Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 14

Celebrate the Rhythms of the Year: Winter Solstice The winter solstice is the meeting point of opposites: night and day, darkness and light, cold and warmth. Find activities to explore these contrasts and to reconnect light, cold and warmth. Find activities to explore these contrasts and to reconnect with an earlier time when humans eagerly antic.i.p.ated and celebrated the slow return of the sun at the darkest and coldest moment of the year. with an earlier time when humans eagerly antic.i.p.ated and celebrated the slow return of the sun at the darkest and coldest moment of the year.

* Design different symbols of the sun and color them. Make a mobile Make a mobile from the designs. from the designs.

* Rewrite the lyrics of familiar songs or poems Rewrite the lyrics of familiar songs or poems to fit the themes of the solstice, including the return of light, the retreat of night, or an awareness of our humbling place in nature. to fit the themes of the solstice, including the return of light, the retreat of night, or an awareness of our humbling place in nature.

* If you live in an area with snow in the winter, make a large sun sculpture make a large sun sculpture out of the snow in your yard. Use food coloring to decorate the sculpture with bright colors.

* Explain the concept of seasons Explain the concept of seasons by putting one toothpick in the top of an orange (Earth) and another in the bottom. In a dark room, s.h.i.+ne a flashlight (the Sun) directly at the middle of the orange. Tilt the North Pole by putting one toothpick in the top of an orange (Earth) and another in the bottom. In a dark room, s.h.i.+ne a flashlight (the Sun) directly at the middle of the orange. Tilt the North Pole toothpick slightly toward the light and note that most of the light s.h.i.+nes 164on the top of the orange/Earth during the Northern Hemisphere summer.

Keeping the poles at the same angle, orbit your orange/Earth to the other side of the flashlight and turn the light to continue facing the orange. The North Pole will now be tilted slightly away from the light-the position of the Earth at the time of the Northern Hemisphere's winter solstice when it receives less sunlight than the Southern Hemisphere. Note that people near the Equator really don't have true seasons because the amount of light and temperature is usually about the same year-round.

Celebrate a Secular Advent In December, instead of focusing on the weeks until Jesus' birth, why not take Advent and reshape it into your values system? Instead of an Advent Wreath, take a log (images of Yule Log!) and drill four holes in the top. Place a candle in each, one for each week in December. Use a permanent marker to label each candle with something that you want to focus on for a week. My family uses Love, Hope, Peace, and Joy. For the first week in December at dinnertime, we light the first candle and talk about how love can help the world and this family. The next week we light the two candles and talk about what we hope for- and so on, for the four weeks of December. You can pick your own words (Reason, Humor, Compa.s.sion, and Fun, perhaps) and begin a holiday advent tradition of your own. The colors of the candles can also be your choice, with your choice of meaning attached to each one: In the book A Grateful Heart, A Grateful Heart, M.J. Ryan suggests "White for spiritual truth and household purification, M.J. Ryan suggests "White for spiritual truth and household purification, Green for healing, prosperity and luck, Red for physical health and vigor, and Yellow for charm and confidence. 5 5 Other Adapted Advent Activities * Kindness Calendar. Kindness Calendar. Make up an advent calendar with the days of December. On each day of December, write something kind that you will do Make up an advent calendar with the days of December. On each day of December, write something kind that you will do for one family member as an expression of your family's humanistic pri- orities. Put flaps over the activities so your family will be surprised what each day will bring.

* Cosmic Advent Calendar Cosmic Advent Calendar (from Friendly Humanist Timothy Mills). (from Friendly Humanist Timothy Mills). 6 6 The advent calendars of my youth had little windows for each December day, The advent calendars of my youth had little windows for each December day, behind each of which was a tiny toy or stale bit of chocolate. Imagine in- stead a Cosmic Advent Calendar paying homage to the landmarks of evo- lution! First, read about Carl Sagan's Cosmic Calendar (back in Chapter 1, 165 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Activities section, a.n.a.logy 1), which compresses the history of the uni- verse into a single year. Then Google "Cosmic Calendar" for the daily de- tails of December. Arrayed through that cosmic "month" are great steps in evolutionary history. Worms evolve on the cosmic equivalent of De- cember 16-so imagine an advent calendar with gummy worms on the 16th! Put gummy fish on the 19th, Pop Rocks to represent the dinosaur- smacking asteroid on the 28th, chocolate monkeys on the 29th . . . and Flintstones vitamins on the 31st! (Okay, it needs some refinement. So re- fine it, and drop Dale an email at [email protected] !) * Contribute money each day for something that you have in the house and then give the money to a charity of your choice. Example: Day One, put $1 into the pot for every TV that you have; Day Two, put 5 into a collec- tion box for every can of soup that you have in the house-and so on, throughout the month.

* Make holiday cards with your kids that reflect your family's holiday values.

You could focus on peace, kindness, or other secular values a.s.sociated with the December holiday season. Remember to save those holiday cards that you get so that you can cut them up next year and make your own cards or wrapping paper.

* Talk about the mainline holidays in ways that make you comfortable and your children at ease about joining in the cultural traditions: Christmas = the gift of birth and the promise of each child that is born; Easter = the wonder of natural cycles and life itself; Hanukah = the idea that light is a miracle; solstice = the cycles of nature and life.

Explore Other December Traditions As a family, make a recipe from the Kwanzaa tradition and talk with your children about the principles put forth with this celebration: unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. Do they understand these concepts, and why do you think that African Americans chose these principles? What principles would your family think would be ones that they would include in their lives?

Cosmic Holidays Related to the Cosmic Advent Calendar idea above: Why not let Sagan's Cos- mic Calendar also generate some cool new humanist holidays? In the com- pressed cosmic year, the Milky Way came into being on May 1-so celebrate 166.May 1 as Milky Way May Day! September 9 is Sun Day, for obvious reasons.

November 1 is s.e.x Day (evolution of s.e.xual reproduction, 2.5 billion years ago). Kudos again to Friendly Humanist Timothy Mills for this one.

Celebrate Peace The values of peace and nonviolence are a wonderful fit with the values of humanism. Two international holidays draw particular attention to these values: United Nations Peace Day ( United Nations Peace Day (September 21) and International Day of Nonviolence International Day of Nonviolence (October 2-Gandhi's birthday). Some ways your family can observe and celebrate these holidays: (October 2-Gandhi's birthday). Some ways your family can observe and celebrate these holidays: * Write letters to the leaders.h.i.+p of your country about your desire for peace in a certain part of the world.

* Have a neighborhood picnic for peace.

* Make a banner or poster and place it on your front lawn.

* Create your own video project of people talking about their hopes for peace.

* Light a candle for peace and place it on the table while you eat.

* Mail out Peace Cards to family and friends.

* Buy Peace Bonds to support the work of Nonviolent Peaceforce ( www.nonviolentpeaceforce.org).

* Visit the "One Safe Generation" webpage at the Inst.i.tute for Humanist Studies ( www.humanistparenting.org > One Safe Generation) for ideas about protecting children from violence at all levels. > One Safe Generation) for ideas about protecting children from violence at all levels.

(See the Resources section for websites with resources for celebrating and promoting peace and nonviolence.) Celebrate the Cycle of Life and Death: Day of the Dead It sometimes takes a bit of doing to get beyond our traditional aversion toward death. Day of the Dead is a terrific way to do it. Create an altar in your home. Place on it pictures of the person who has died, flowers, and candles.

Talk about what good memories you have of that person and what he or she was like as a person. You can place a mirror on this altar in remembrance that we will all die someday. Google the recipe for sugar skulls! Buy wooden skeletons at a local craft store and decorate the skeleton like a person who has died and talk about the memories you have of that person. Visit the graves of loved ones to clean, sweep, and weed the area-and to tell stories about the person.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Celebrate Coming of Age: Rites of Pa.s.sage This is a time to use some creativity and insight about what your child turning into an adolescent or your adolescent turning young adult might like. One thing I think that is universal to any Coming of Age ceremony is the planning of special time with an adult or adults in the child's/youth's life. Planning a special dinner with just the teen or a camping trip is a way to say that we recognize the pa.s.sage of time and that the child is growing up. There are huge celebrations planned in some religious traditions, but don't be intimidated by those big celebrations into doing nothing! A quiet and meaningful time can be as simple as a dinner at home with special readings. The book Coming of Age, Coming of Age, A Treasury of Poems, Quotations and Readings on Growing Up A Treasury of Poems, Quotations and Readings on Growing Up collected by Edward Searl is a great place to get such readings. collected by Edward Searl is a great place to get such readings.

I love this quote from Mary Pipher: "Maturity involves being honest and true to oneself, making decisions based on a conscious internal process, a.s.suming responsibility for one's decisions, having healthy relations.h.i.+ps with others and developing one's own true gifts. It involves thinking about one's environment and deciding what one will and won't accept." Decorate a frame for your child and frame this or another special quote that captures your feelings about maturity.

Coming of age is also a great time to pa.s.s down special keepsakes from family members-a true statement that the maturing young person represents the future.

Many Unitarian Universalist churches have Coming of Age programs for teens where they look at themselves and the big questions in life. It would worth looking into for a group experience for your youth.

This is also the perfect time to write your growing child a letter telling how you treasure him or her, your hopes for the future, and what values you hope your child will have. It should be a time to talk about how far he or she has come and how far is still left to go! Talk to your child about the life lessons you have learned that might help along the way. Present this at a special time in a special envelope.

Adapt Existing Ceremonies Choose a traditional coming-of-age ceremony, such as a Mexican Quinceanera.

Adapt it by subst.i.tuting your values and symbols for the traditional elements.

(Also see the Appendix for great movies with themes related to coming- of-age and other issues of finding one's ident.i.ty.) 168.Celebrate Rebirth: Spring Try having a hunt with plastic eggs filled with varying amounts of money.

When the children have gathered up all of the eggs, do some math and count the total amount collected and then decide to which charity you want to donate the money.

Instead of the traditional Easter Egg Hunt, have the children "hunt" for canned goods by doing a collection of canned goods in the neighborhood the week before Easter and then organize the canned goods and donate them on Easter morning to some charity.

Take this morning to go walking and to see what is starting to bloom and be "reborn," or visit a farm to see what animals are being born.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Resources Planning Celebrations-General Lang, Virginia, and Louise Nayer. How to Bury a Goldfish and Other Ceremonies How to Bury a Goldfish and Other Ceremonies and Celebrations for Everyday Life and Celebrations for Everyday Life (Boston: Skinner House, 2007). New traditions to commemorate the special moments and milestones in life. More than 100 rituals for everything from holidays and birthdays to teen's first job and a woman's midlife journey. All ages. (Boston: Skinner House, 2007). New traditions to commemorate the special moments and milestones in life. More than 100 rituals for everything from holidays and birthdays to teen's first job and a woman's midlife journey. All ages.

c.o.x, Meg. The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Great Rituals for The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays and Everyday Holidays and Everyday (Philadelphia: Running Press, 2003). A compilation of interviews with diverse families about family rituals and celebrations. Adult. (Philadelphia: Running Press, 2003). A compilation of interviews with diverse families about family rituals and celebrations. Adult.

Rites of Pa.s.sage Wall, Kathleen. Rites of Pa.s.sage: Celebrating Life's Changes Rites of Pa.s.sage: Celebrating Life's Changes (Hillsboro, OR: Beyond Words Publis.h.i.+ng, 1998). Provides a very good description of how to create ritual/traditions for various times in life. The chapter on Ritual for the Healthy Family includes insights on such issues as communication, mealtime, and holidays. (Hillsboro, OR: Beyond Words Publis.h.i.+ng, 1998). Provides a very good description of how to create ritual/traditions for various times in life. The chapter on Ritual for the Healthy Family includes insights on such issues as communication, mealtime, and holidays.

Definitely on the "spiritual but not religious" side of the spectrum. Adult.

Searl, Edward. A Treasury of Poems, Quotations and Readings on Growing Up A Treasury of Poems, Quotations and Readings on Growing Up (Boston: Skinner House, 2007).You can get it at the Unitarian Universalist bookstore, (Boston: Skinner House, 2007).You can get it at the Unitarian Universalist bookstore, uua.org/bookstore uua.org/bookstore. This small book gives poems, quotations, and readings from around the world on growing up from adolescence to adulthood. All ages.

(See the first Appendix for an extensive list of movies with coming-of-age themes.) Special Occasions Seaburg, Carl. Great Occasions: Readings for the Celebration of Birth, Coming of Great Occasions: Readings for the Celebration of Birth, Coming of Age, Marriage and Death Age, Marriage and Death (Boston: Skinner House Press, 2003). Words from many traditions to celebrate life pa.s.sages, including Christian traditions. All ages. (Boston: Skinner House Press, 2003). Words from many traditions to celebrate life pa.s.sages, including Christian traditions. All ages.

Solstice Pfeffer, Wendy. The Shortest Day The Shortest Day (New York: Dutton Juvenile, 2003). Ages 410. (New York: Dutton Juvenile, 2003). Ages 410.

Shragg, Karen. A Solstice Tree for Jenny ( A Solstice Tree for Jenny ( Amherst, NY: Prometheus, 2001). Ages 48. Amherst, NY: Prometheus, 2001). Ages 48.

(Both reviewed in Parenting Beyond Belief.) Parenting Beyond Belief.) 170.Martin, Jacqueline Briggs. Snowflake Bentley Snowflake Bentley (New York: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1998). A winner of the Caldecott Medal, this is the true story of Wilson Bentley, who used a microscopic camera to photograph the wonders (New York: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1998). A winner of the Caldecott Medal, this is the true story of Wilson Bentley, who used a microscopic camera to photograph the wonders of snow, showing that no two flakes are alike and that each has stunning beauty. Ages 48.

(See also the marvelous In Nature's Honor In Nature's Honor in the Earth Day section, below.) Expressing Thanks in the Earth Day section, below.) Expressing Thanks Wood, Douglas. The Secret of Saying Thanks The Secret of Saying Thanks (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2005). A nonreligious look at how to give thanks without giving thanks to (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2005). A nonreligious look at how to give thanks without giving thanks to G.o.d. Ages 48.

London, Jonathan. Giving Thanks Giving Thanks (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick Press, 2005). (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick Press, 2005).

A moving nonreligious approach to giving thanks for the nature that is all around us. Ages 48.

Christmas Waldron, Jan. Angel Pig and the Hidden Christmas Angel Pig and the Hidden Christmas (London: Puffin Books, 2000). Shows the joy of turning away from commercialism and making your (London: Puffin Books, 2000). Shows the joy of turning away from commercialism and making your own gifts. Ages 48.

Robinson, Jo, and Jean Staehel. Unplug the Christmas Machine Unplug the Christmas Machine (New York: William Morrow Publis.h.i.+ng, 1991). A cla.s.sic for parents (now in its thirteenth printing) on ways to decommercialize Christmas. Special attention is paid to the nonreligious. Adult. (New York: William Morrow Publis.h.i.+ng, 1991). A cla.s.sic for parents (now in its thirteenth printing) on ways to decommercialize Christmas. Special attention is paid to the nonreligious. Adult.

Elliot, Jock. Inventing Christmas: How Our Holiday Came to Be Inventing Christmas: How Our Holiday Came to Be (New York: Harry N. Abrams, 2002). A great, easy-to-read historical look the beginnings of the Christmas holiday and its traditions. All ages. (New York: Harry N. Abrams, 2002). A great, easy-to-read historical look the beginnings of the Christmas holiday and its traditions. All ages.

Krismas: http://krismas.org The Twelve Days of Christmas: www.tetrakatus.org EvolveFISH.com has some interesting and unique secular holiday greeting cards ranging from combative to inspirational and from naughty to nice. has some interesting and unique secular holiday greeting cards ranging from combative to inspirational and from naughty to nice.

Choosing the right one might be an interesting discussion opportunity for your family.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Earth Day Brisson, Pat. Wanda's Roses Wanda's Roses (Homesdale, PA: Boyds Mills Press, 1994). The story of a little girl who has the imagination and hope to turn an old, run-down lot into a garden, creating community at the same time. (Homesdale, PA: Boyds Mills Press, 1994). The story of a little girl who has the imagination and hope to turn an old, run-down lot into a garden, creating community at the same time.

Montley, Patricia. In Nature's Honor, Myths and Rituals Celebrating the Earth In Nature's Honor, Myths and Rituals Celebrating the Earth (Boston: Skinner House Books, 2005). Gives the background of winter solstice, Imbolc, Purification and Candlemas, Spring Equinox, Beltane and May Day, Summer Solstice and Midsummer, Lughnasa and Lammas, Autumn (Boston: Skinner House Books, 2005). Gives the background of winter solstice, Imbolc, Purification and Candlemas, Spring Equinox, Beltane and May Day, Summer Solstice and Midsummer, Lughnasa and Lammas, Autumn Equinox and Samhain, All Souls Day and Day of the Dead, as well as descriptions of contemporary celebrations, readings, and ways for individuals and families to celebrate these holidays.

Birth/Adoption Costanzo, Charlene. The Twelve Gifts of Birth The Twelve Gifts of Birth (New York: HarperCollins, 2001). (New York: HarperCollins, 2001).

Simple exploration of gifts you could give a new child, such as courage, hope, and beauty.

Searl, Edward. Bless This Child: A Treasury of Poems, Quotations, and Readings Bless This Child: A Treasury of Poems, Quotations, and Readings to Celebrate Birth to Celebrate Birth (Boston: Skinner Publis.h.i.+ng, 2007). (Boston: Skinner Publis.h.i.+ng, 2007).

Kranz, Linda. Only One You Only One You (New York: Rising Moon Publishers, 2006). "There is only one you in this great big world. Make it a better place." (New York: Rising Moon Publishers, 2006). "There is only one you in this great big world. Make it a better place."

Table Reflections and Blessings Ryan, M. J. A Grateful Heart: Daily Blessings for the Evening Meal from Buddha A Grateful Heart: Daily Blessings for the Evening Meal from Buddha to the Beatles to the Beatles (Newburyport, MA: Conari Press, 2002). A marvelous source of diverse reflections and meditations from diverse sources both religious and nonreligious. (Newburyport, MA: Conari Press, 2002). A marvelous source of diverse reflections and meditations from diverse sources both religious and nonreligious.

Easter Berenstain, Stan and Jan. The Berenstain Bears and the Real Easter Eggs The Berenstain Bears and the Real Easter Eggs (New York: Random House, 2002). An Easter Egg hunt shows the Bears that new life is the real message of Easter. Ages 48. (New York: Random House, 2002). An Easter Egg hunt shows the Bears that new life is the real message of Easter. Ages 48.

Barth, Edna. Lilies, Rabbits, and Painted Eggs: The Story of the Easter Symbols Lilies, Rabbits, and Painted Eggs: The Story of the Easter Symbols (New York: Clarion Books, 2001). A great reference book for Easter with clear explanations for many Easter customs and symbols. Ages 912. (New York: Clarion Books, 2001). A great reference book for Easter with clear explanations for many Easter customs and symbols. Ages 912.

172.Peace and Nonviolence Munson, Derek. Enemy Pie Enemy Pie (San Francisco: Chronicle Books, 2000). An enemy is turned into a friend through the actions of a very insightful parent. (San Francisco: Chronicle Books, 2000). An enemy is turned into a friend through the actions of a very insightful parent.

Rice, David. Because Brian Hugged His Mother Because Brian Hugged His Mother (Nevada City, CA: Dawn, 1999). (Nevada City, CA: Dawn, 1999).

One act of kindness ricochets into a whole day of kindnesses.

Pearson, Emily. Ordinary Mary's Extraordinary Deed Ordinary Mary's Extraordinary Deed (Layton, UT: Gibbs Smith, 2002). How one good deed leads to another. (Layton, UT: Gibbs Smith, 2002). How one good deed leads to another.

MacLean, Kerry Lee. Peaceful Piggy Meditation Peaceful Piggy Meditation (Morton Grove, IL: Albert Whitman and Co., 2004). Teaches children how to meditate when they are (Morton Grove, IL: Albert Whitman and Co., 2004). Teaches children how to meditate when they are feeling stressed.

Websites to celebrate and promote peace and nonviolence www.internationaldayofpeace.org www.peaceoneday.org Miscellaneous Resources Pagan Inst.i.tute Report www.paganinst.i.tute.org/PIR/contents.shtml British Humanist a.s.sociation www.humanism.org.uk Inst.i.tute for Humanist Studies www.humaniststudies.org Secular Seasons www.secula.r.s.easons.org Notes.1. In 2005, violent crime in the United States across the board reached its lowest level ever ever-yet our hysteria about violent crime has never been more extreme (U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/glance/ viort.htm).

2. See Robinson, B.A. "The Myth of Samhain." Accessed February 11, 2008, from www.religioustolerance.org 173.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief 3. Danaher, Kevin. The Year in Ireland: Irish Calendar Customs The Year in Ireland: Irish Calendar Customs (New York: Mercier, 1972); O'Driscoll, Robert (Ed.), (New York: Mercier, 1972); O'Driscoll, Robert (Ed.), The Celtic Consciousness The Celtic Consciousness (New York: Braziller, 1981). (New York: Braziller, 1981).

4. Landon, Christa. The Pagan Inst.i.tute ( www.paganinst.i.tute.org) 5. The Grateful Heart The Grateful Heart, p. 62. Full citation in Resources.

6. Visit Friendly Humanist Timothy Mills at www.friendlyhumanist.blogspot .com. Accessed August 17, 2008. Accessed August 17, 2008.

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CHAPTER 7.

Death and Life Dale McGowan Of the hundreds of questions about nonreligious parenting I've fielded from reporters and audiences, one stands head and shoulders above the rest for its ability to amaze, amuse, and confound me: "Without heaven, how will you "Without heaven, how will you make your kids okay with death?" make your kids okay with death?"

I can't get used to it no matter how often I hear it. No fewer than three myths are embedded in those eleven words-three common misunderstand- ings that must be unpacked before we can get a handle on this topic. Let's look at those three myths, as well as the two obligations that nonreligious parents have to their children regarding the subject of death.

Three Myths, Two Obligations Myth 1: Religion Cures the Fear of Death Given the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I'm baffled whenever I hear it implied that religion cures the fear of death. I know many deeply religious people, all of whom work hard at delaying their demise. They look carefully before crossing the street. They watch what they eat, follow doctor's orders, shrink in terror when given a troubling diagnosis, pray for the recovery of seriously ill friends, and weep as uncontrollably as the rest of us when someone close to them dies. They are every bit as dissatisfied with company policy as I am.

If not more so. I also know some who worry themselves to distraction over whether they've satisfied the requirements for entrance to Paradise. One 175.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief woman I know lost sleep for weeks after her husband died, convinced that he had gone to "If we are immortal, it is a fact of nature, and that fact h.e.l.l for missing too many Ma.s.ses.

does not depend on bibles, Some comfort.

on Christs, priests or creeds. It When it comes to comforting children cannot be destroyed by un- in the face of loss, most mainstream parent- belief.

ing experts find the invocation of heaven problematic at best. In Guiding Your Child Guiding Your Child "

-Robert Green Ingersoll, orator, Through Grief, James and Mary Ann Em- James and Mary Ann Em- "The Great Agnostic"

swiler caution against such wincers as "G.o.d took Mommy because she was so good," or "G.o.d took Daddy because He wanted him to be with Him," for reasons that should be obvious. "Don't use G.o.d or religion as a pacifier to make grieving children feel better. It probably won't work," they continue. "Do not explain death as a punishment or a reward from G.o.d." 1 1 By the time they and most other child development experts are done, the single greatest supposed advantage of religion lies in tatters. By the time they and most other child development experts are done, the single greatest supposed advantage of religion lies in tatters.

We've now set the bar more reasonably. Our goal as parents is not to some- how cure the fear of death, but to keep that natural and unavoidable fear from interfering overly much with the experience of life.

Myth 2: Children Are Less Able Than Adults to Think About Death We grownups flatter ourselves by suggesting that we are in a position to comfort our children when it comes to thinking about and dealing with death. If anything, the opposite is true. Compared to their parents, children have a greatly reduced grasp of death. As Emory University psychologist Melvin Konner notes in his brilliant cla.s.sic The Tangled Wing, The Tangled Wing, "From age 3 to 5 they consider it reversible, resembling a journey or sleep. After 6 they view it as a fact of life but a very remote one." "From age 3 to 5 they consider it reversible, resembling a journey or sleep. After 6 they view it as a fact of life but a very remote one." 2 2 Although rates of conceptual development vary, Konner places the first true grasp of the finality and universality of death around age 10-a realization that includes the first dawning deep awareness that it applies to them as well. Although rates of conceptual development vary, Konner places the first true grasp of the finality and universality of death around age 10-a realization that includes the first dawning deep awareness that it applies to them as well.

Critics of approaching the topic of death straightforwardly with children a.s.sume that nonreligious parents are telling their children, in essence, "deal with it." This is a willfully ignorant critique. Nonreligious parents are every bit as concerned for the comfort and happiness of their children as religious parents. They simply recognize that an early, naturalistic engagement with the 176topic makes it easier to come to terms this most difficult of human realities, not harder.

The fact that children tend not to fully "get" death during the early years has its downside-crossing the street would be easier, for example, if they did-but it also has a decided advantage. These are the years during which they can engage the idea of death more more easily and easily and more more dispa.s.sionately than they will as adults. And such early engagement can only help to build a foundation of understanding and familiarity to ease and inform their later en- dispa.s.sionately than they will as adults. And such early engagement can only help to build a foundation of understanding and familiarity to ease and inform their later en- counters with this most profound of all human realities.

Myth 3: We Can, Even Should, Be Comfortable with the Idea of Death Fear of death is among our healthiest and most desirable fears. Natural selection put it there, after all, and for good reason. Imagine two early ancestors crossing the savannah. One has a genetically endowed fear of death, while the other is indifferent to it. A predator sprints their way. All other things being equal, which of these guys will survive to pa.s.s on his att.i.tude toward death?

The desire to live is also a helpful social regulator. It has been noted by several commentators that only by using the promise of a glorious afterlife to suppress the simple and natural fear of death were the attacks of September 11 made possible. 3 3 Members.h.i.+p in the ranks of those who stand fearless in the face of death is not something we should wish for our children. Members.h.i.+p in the ranks of those who stand fearless in the face of death is not something we should wish for our children.

So perhaps we can agree that curing our children of the fear of death is off the table. But then what are our obligations to our children regarding mortality? I would suggest two: to provide reasonable comfort and to encourage thoughtful engagement.

Obligation 1: To Provide Comfort Although we can't cure our kids of the fear of death, it's important to keep that fear from overwhelming them.

Even when it does not involve death, loss is a difficult issue for kids, especially in their first few years. Peek-a-boo is riveting for infants precisely because the parent vanishes and then returns- and then returns- a kind of mini-resurrection worthy of a squeal of delight. A toy that rolls under the crib gives rise to a keen-ing wail worthy of an Irish widow. Only after a good deal of experience and development does the child begin to learn that things that go away continue to exist out of sight-and generally return. a kind of mini-resurrection worthy of a squeal of delight. A toy that rolls under the crib gives rise to a keen-ing wail worthy of an Irish widow. Only after a good deal of experience and development does the child begin to learn that things that go away continue to exist out of sight-and generally return.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief It's hardly surprising that the child's first confrontation with death is such a cruel blow. After that long, hard climb out of her early misconceptions about loss, she suddenly learns that Mr. Skittles the hamster is gone and not not coming back. Little wonder that we create safe and happy places in our imaginations for our loved and lost ones to continue running on the exercise wheel. coming back. Little wonder that we create safe and happy places in our imaginations for our loved and lost ones to continue running on the exercise wheel.