Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 14

-Rabindranath Tagore, Unending Love Unending Love Carl Gustav Jung was a brilliant Swiss psychiatrist that Freud considered for many years his successor. Their relations.h.i.+p cooled and eventually 176 terminated when Jung rejected key concepts in Freud's theory. While Freud believed that human behavior is conditioned by biological drives and personal history, Jung (1964) believed that it is conditioned by both individual and racial history, goals, and aspirations. In the human psyche, Jung saw not a drive to satisfy biological needs but a constant development in the search for wholeness. And unlike Freud, Jung saw in the individual's personality the product and container of all ancestral history, shaped and molded into its present form by the c.u.mulative experiences of all past generations.

Based on his vast knowledge of mysticism, religion, mythology, anthropology, and the cla.s.sics, Jung formulated his ideas of a collective collective unconscious unconscious that is deeper and more powerful than the personal unconscious. While the individual unconscious houses the impulses and experiences of the individual, the collective unconscious houses the memories and experiences of the entire human race extending far back into its dim and unknown origins. These memories and experiences have been transferred from one generation to the next from the dawn of history. It is possible to learn about them from the appearance of similar images or symbols in different cultures. Jung called these images that is deeper and more powerful than the personal unconscious. While the individual unconscious houses the impulses and experiences of the individual, the collective unconscious houses the memories and experiences of the entire human race extending far back into its dim and unknown origins. These memories and experiences have been transferred from one generation to the next from the dawn of history. It is possible to learn about them from the appearance of similar images or symbols in different cultures. Jung called these images archetypes. archetypes.

Archetypes are universal "thought forms" common to all human beings. The archetypes are based on the collective experience of all of humankind and are expressed as the universal symbols of myths, rituals, visions, works of art, and dreams. Archetypes can be human, such as the "earth mother" or "the old wise man"; they can be places, such as the perfect home in which we would have liked to have lived, or the perfect place, such as the Garden of Eden, in which humans lived in the past; or states of being, such as the archetype of "perfection," the image of the perfect life. All of us share innate archetypes of birth, rebirth, death, G.o.d, the demon, unity, energy, the hero, the child, as well as an archetype of a mother and an archetype of a father. These last two archetypes are universal symbols.

Jung believed that our relations.h.i.+ps with our actual mother and father are formed on the basis of these innate archetypes.

Jung emphasized some archetypes more than others because, among other reasons, he saw evidence for their existence in his clinical work. He believed that these archetypes evolve into separate systems within the personality. One of them is the "shadow," the most powerful and dangerous archetype, which includes the most primitive and b.e.s.t.i.a.l instincts. This is the "dark side" in ourselves, which we don't like, or were taught to hide. The shadow is also the source of creativity, vitality, and spontaneity.

Among the most important archetypes in Jung's theory are the anima anima and the and the animus. animus. Jung believed that the psyche is androgynous THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE Jung believed that the psyche is androgynous THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE 177.

and includes complementary masculine and feminine elements. In the psyche of every man there exists an inner woman, the anima, anima, and in the psyche of every woman there exists an inner man, the and in the psyche of every woman there exists an inner man, the animus. animus. The combination and integration of the masculine and the feminine elements serve the adaptation and survival needs of the human race, both because of the roles they play in the development of the individual and because they enable romantic love, communication, and understanding between the s.e.xes. The combination and integration of the masculine and the feminine elements serve the adaptation and survival needs of the human race, both because of the roles they play in the development of the individual and because they enable romantic love, communication, and understanding between the s.e.xes.

The animus, animus, Latin for the male psyche, is the personification of the masculine archetype, "the masculine principle" in the female unconscious. Jung believed that all women hid a latent masculine personality beneath their conscious feminine personality. The animus is the product of the universal experience of women with men. By living with men throughout the ages, women have developed an internal "masculine voice." The animus expresses such masculine traits as power, ambition, initiative, courage, objectivity, and wisdom; it propels the woman toward a dedication to a "sacred mission." Latin for the male psyche, is the personification of the masculine archetype, "the masculine principle" in the female unconscious. Jung believed that all women hid a latent masculine personality beneath their conscious feminine personality. The animus is the product of the universal experience of women with men. By living with men throughout the ages, women have developed an internal "masculine voice." The animus expresses such masculine traits as power, ambition, initiative, courage, objectivity, and wisdom; it propels the woman toward a dedication to a "sacred mission."

The internal voice of the animus is forceful, persistent, and, at times, cold and distant. It is a voice that emphasizes the ability to be a.s.sertive and to control people and situations.

The positive animus helps a woman build "a bridge to the self"

through creative work and activities in the outside world. The positive animus is represented in legends and folk tales by Prince Charming who comes riding in s.h.i.+ning armor on a white horse and rescues the beautiful maiden from a terrible danger. The animus is seen in different stages of development in the muscle man, such as Tarzan, the romantic hero, such as the British poet Sh.e.l.ley, the man of action, such as Ernest Hemingway, or the spiritual guide, such as Mahatma Gandhi.

The negative animus, represented by death, pushes a woman to abandon her human ties, especially those with men. A famous negative animus figure is the murderous and seductive Bluebeard. As the story goes, the rich and mysterious Count Bluebeard marries a young innocent woman and brings her to his castle. The castle is full of treasures and Bluebeard a.s.sures his wife that they are all hers. One day he tells her that he has to leave for a few days. He brings a giant key ring that holds the keys to all the rooms and closets in the castle.

He tells his wife that she can use all the keys except for one little key.

She is not to use this key under any circ.u.mstance. His young wife cannot withstand the temptation, and her curiosity drives her to try and find the door opened by the forbidden key. Only after a long and extensive search does she find the lock in a door to a room hidden in the castle's bas.e.m.e.nt. Her heart pounding, she opens the 178 secret door with the little key and discovers the murdered bodies of Bluebeard's former wives.

The animus causes women to manifest masculine traits and acts as a collective image that motivates women to respond to and understand men. A woman can truly comprehend the nature of a man by virtue of her animus. But she can also misunderstand him if she projects her animus onto a man without regard for his real personality. Well-adjusted women are able to make a distinction and compromise between the demands of their collective unconscious as represented in their animus, and the reality of the external world as represented by the real man of a romantic relations.h.i.+p.

The anima, anima, Latin for the female psyche, is the personification of the feminine archetype, "the feminine principle," the feminine psychological tendencies in the male unconscious. It is the latent feminine personality hidden underneath the conscious masculine personality and very different from it. The anima is the product of all the universal experiences of men with women. By living with women throughout the ages, men have developed an internal Latin for the female psyche, is the personification of the feminine archetype, "the feminine principle," the feminine psychological tendencies in the male unconscious. It is the latent feminine personality hidden underneath the conscious masculine personality and very different from it. The anima is the product of all the universal experiences of men with women. By living with women throughout the ages, men have developed an internal "feminine voice." It expresses itself through feelings and moods, intuitions about future occurrences, sensitivities to nature and the irrational, and the ability to love. It propels men to connect with people and especially with women.

The positive anima is sometimes represented in folk tales and fairy tales by the beautiful princess who needs a brave hero to rescue her; at other times, in legends of a spiritual, glowing, female figure who helps the hero on his dangerous journey by lighting the road ahead of him. The negative anima is represented by witches and dark sorceresses-the dangerous all-knowing priestesses-who connect with the "spirit world" and the "forces of darkness" that represent the dark side of the unconscious.

The negative anima is also represented by dangerous and evil beauties that tempt men to their death, such as the sirens of Greek mythology, or the Lorelei of ancient German mythology, beautiful female water creatures whose enchanting voices seduced and drew sailors into the deadly waves. (See an artist's portrayal of the Lorelei in Figure 11.) The anima causes men to manifest feminine traits and it acts as a collective image that motivates men to respond to and understand women. A man can truly comprehend the nature of a woman by virtue of his anima. And, it is possible to get to know a man's anima by the type of women he falls in love with. But a man can also misunderstand women if he projects his anima onto them without regard for their true personalities. Well-adjusted men, just like well- THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE.

179.

adjusted women, are capable of compromising the demands of their collective unconscious, represented by their anima, with the demands of the real woman in a romantic relations.h.i.+p.

The anima and the animus can be positive or negative, problematic or wonderful. The feminine side can correct a one-sided masculinity in a man and make him softer, more sensitive, and more communicative. Similarly, the masculine side can correct a one-sided femininity in a woman and make her more a.s.sertive, self-expressive, and active.

Jung's notion that the anima and the animus are archetypes and part of the collective unconscious helps explain a curious phenomenon that neither object relations theory nor evolutionary theory can account for-the fact that there are some men and women that many people fall madly in love with. These are people who represent archetypal masculinity and femininity. Two famous examples of such anima figures are Marilyn Monroe, the s.e.xy woman, and Greta Garbo, the mystery woman.

Since the anima and the animus are archetypes, they can be similar in different people. But since they are also part of the unconscious of an individual, they appear in dreams in the symbolic expression that is appropriate for that individual. Jung believed that a man's anima is shaped by his mother and a woman's animus is shaped by her father. The anima and the animus play central roles in the life of the individual and the survival of the human race because of their influence on falling in love. Every FIGURE 11. The Lorelei. The Lorelei. The beautiful Lorelei man carries in him the The beautiful Lorelei man carries in him the seduce men to their deaths with their sweet eter nal image of a singing.

180.

woman, not a particular woman but a defined feminine image that is fundamentally unconscious; so too, for the woman and her innate image of a man. Since the image is unconscious, it is always unconsciously projected onto the beloved and is one of the primary reasons for romantic attraction.

When a man meets a woman who reminds him in some significant way of his anima, his response is immediate and powerful. He projects onto her his unconscious image and then he no longer sees the real woman, the way she is, but only his projection. If, as is often the case, this man reminds the woman in some significant way of her animus, she too projects onto him her unconscious image. This mutual projection is experienced by both of them as falling in love.

If the anima helps men find an appropriate romantic partner, what about h.o.m.os.e.xual men? Well, it has been suggested that the anima figure for h.o.m.os.e.xual men can be a male rather than a female figure (Hopcke, 1992). And, it can similarly be argued, the animus figure for lesbian women can be a female rather than a male figure.

When a man's anima is projected onto a certain woman, or man, this person is perceived as possessing the traits of his anima. The perceived presence of these anima traits in the woman causes the man to fall in love with her with complete certainty that "she is the one"-the ideal woman he has been looking and longing for.

Since the anima is part of a man's psyche, even if an unconscious part, finding a woman who resembles his anima makes him feel as if he has known her, intimately, all his life. And in a sense he has known her all his life through the image that is engraved in his psyche. He falls in love with her so totally and so helplessly that it appears sheer madness to the people around him. In men who are lacking psychological awareness, projection onto a woman is the only way they ever come to know their anima. Women who are introverted, "mysterious," and "like fairies," tend to attract such anima projections more than other types of women do. Men find that they can project almost anything, weave endless fantasies around creatures so fascinating in their vagueness and mystery. This scenario is equally fitting for a woman in search of her internal image of a man.

HOW WE CHOOSE WITH WHOM TO FALL IN LOVE.

ACCORDING TO EVOLUTIONARY THEORY.

Just like Jungian theory and object relations theory, evolutionary theory a.s.sumes that early childhood experiences of love play a critical role in adult romantic relations.h.i.+ps. The key concept, however, that explains THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE 181.

the reenactment of childhood's love bonds in adult romantic relations.h.i.+ps is not "archetypes," or "object relations," but positive imprints. positive imprints.

According to evolutionary theory, humans develop according to a program constantly exposed to environmental influences. There are "critical periods" in which environmental forces can shape and mold us. This molding process is termed imprinting. imprinting. Imprinting happens very fast during a critical period in the life of the young of every species, causes neural changes in the brain, and is probably irreversible. It has significant long-term effects on behavior. Every new stimulus, in order to give it meaning and significance, is compared to the pattern that already exists in the brain. Imprinting happens very fast during a critical period in the life of the young of every species, causes neural changes in the brain, and is probably irreversible. It has significant long-term effects on behavior. Every new stimulus, in order to give it meaning and significance, is compared to the pattern that already exists in the brain.

Concepts such as love are created in the brain in a network of neural wiring. Once a concept is imprinted in the brain, we continue to use it in order to make sense of the world around us. Ada Lumpert (1997) gives a most appropriate example of the effect of the childhood experience of maternal love on adult romantic attraction. The first love is imprinted on the brain of a child, writes Lumpert, and is engraved on it for better or for worse for the rest of life. A boy who grew up with a cold and hostile mother has such a pattern of love relations.h.i.+ps imprinted on his brain. When he grows up and becomes a gifted and good-looking young man, he enjoys the advances of many young women, and can choose the most attractive and sweetest amongst them. But, instead, he chooses the meanest and coldest.

When his best friend asks him why he has done such a stupid thing, our young man has an interesting answer: "I know she's cold and mean-spirited, but only with her do I feel a spark." And he knows what he says. The meanhearted woman is the one to whom his brain imprintings respond. The response of brain cells is electric, this is why they generate a spark. A kind-hearted, sweet girl cannot spark any of his "romantic love" imprintings; this is why he does not find such a girl attractive.

When the young man marries his mean and cold sweetheart, other imprintings are sparked in his brain. His hostile and cold mother hurt, humiliated, and angered him as a child. As a result, brain imprintings of love, humiliation, pain, and anger are combined, and all of them come to life when sparked in his adult relations.h.i.+ps. Later in the couple's relations.h.i.+p, many old imprintings are likely to reappear and be enforced on the realities of the couple's life. She may say something as insignificant as "Do you mind taking out the garbage?" and he will respond with rage, pain, and humiliation, "You are always sending me out with the garbage. This is all I am for you, a garbage disposal." He was first attracted to the landscape of his childhood, but later, that very same landscape brings up his childhood pain.

182.

Childhood experiences are imprinted on our brains and become the familiar worlds that we seek to recapture for the rest our lives.

These are the positive imprints that childhood landscapes, smells, tastes, and people we grew up with leave engraved on our brains.

Such positive imprints also direct attraction. Every element of physical shape, color, personality, behavior, and att.i.tude can become imprinted and, in adulthood, desired. This, claims Lumpert, is the reason for the high frequency of romantic partners who remind us in some important way of our parents, whether in their features, personality traits, or abilities.

A mechanism similar to positive imprinting is lovemapping lovemapping that s.e.x researcher John Money (1986) talks about. A that s.e.x researcher John Money (1986) talks about. A lovemap, lovemap, according to Money, is a mental map, a template, replete with brain circuitry, that determines the people with whom you will fall in love and what arouses you s.e.xually. Children develop these love maps between ages five and eight, or even earlier, in response to their parents, family, friends, and life experiences. As children grow up, their unconscious maps create subliminal templates of the image of the ideal lover including details about physiognomy, build, and color, not to mention temperament and manners. Lovemaps include the kinds of places people find s.e.xually arousing as well as the kinds of interactions and erotic activities most exciting to them. Since most people are surrounded during their childhoods by members of their biological family, it is only natural that, as adults, they will be attracted to people who are similar to their families. according to Money, is a mental map, a template, replete with brain circuitry, that determines the people with whom you will fall in love and what arouses you s.e.xually. Children develop these love maps between ages five and eight, or even earlier, in response to their parents, family, friends, and life experiences. As children grow up, their unconscious maps create subliminal templates of the image of the ideal lover including details about physiognomy, build, and color, not to mention temperament and manners. Lovemaps include the kinds of places people find s.e.xually arousing as well as the kinds of interactions and erotic activities most exciting to them. Since most people are surrounded during their childhoods by members of their biological family, it is only natural that, as adults, they will be attracted to people who are similar to their families.

If the greater the similarity, the greater the romantic attraction, why aren't we attracted to our family members? The answer evolutionary theorists offer is the same as the answer provided by Freud to the same question, namely the incest taboo. Incestual mating would have decreased the genetic variability that is necessary in order to a.s.sure new solutions for problems and challenges the human race might face in the future. The universality of the incest taboo, which exists in some form in all human societies, suggests to evolutionary scientists that it must be the result of natural selection and is well encoded in our genetic makeup. While the attraction to the similar is aided by positive imprinting, the avoidance, and repulsion, of the too-similar is guaranteed by "negative imprinting."

Negative imprinting guarantees that we will not be s.e.xually attracted to people we grew up with. Such people are negatively imprinted in our brain and don't arouse our pa.s.sion. It cancels the effect of the attraction to the similar and prevents s.e.xual attraction towards parents and siblings.

An example of the operation of such a negative imprinting is described in the doctoral dissertation of Joseph Shefer (1971). In his THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE 183.

research, Shefer examined marriage records of 2,679 Israeli Kibbutz members. Out of all these married couples, only 14 had grown up together in the same Kibbutz. Out of those 14, only 5 couples had lived together in the "children's home" before they were six years old. But even among those five couples, not even one couple had spent all first six years of life together. Shefer explained this phenomenon as the extension of the incest taboo. Kibbutz children who spend their early years together, develop toward their "potty siblings" a negative imprinting of the kind children develop towards parents and biological siblings. As a result of the combined effect of these two mechanisms-positive impr inting and negative imprinting-we tend to fall in love with someone who is similar to us but is not a member of our immediate family.

THE PHYSIOLOGY OF Once we identify someone as the "right person," a certain chemical process is activated. Anthropologist Helen Fisher (1992) says that the chemistry of falling in love starts in a tiny molecule with a very long name-Phenylethylamine-or PEA for short.5 The PEA molecule, a natural amphetamine produced in the brain, is responsible for feelings of excitement, joy, ecstasy, and delight. When the amount of PEA in the brain neurons goes up, it produces a feeling of excitement and emotional uplift. This is the chemical reason why couples in love can spend whole nights making love and having deep heart-to-heart talks, why they tend to be absent-minded, and why they feel so s.e.xually aroused and so optimistic, full of life and vitality. Fisher also emphasizes the role of brain wiring in early childhood and the special effect of smell in lovemaps. Every person's smell is a little different, says Fisher, and each one of us has a "personal smell signature." A baby identifies Mother by her smell. Smells cause a reaction in the part of the brain that controls strong emotions and stores long-term memories. This is why we can remember smells many years after having smelled them. Because of this brain connection, smells can arouse powerful emotions including erotic feelings.

During adolescence, glands located under the arms, around the nipples, and in the s.e.x organs start exuding a smell that attracts the opposite s.e.x. When people meet someone whose smell they enjoy, the smell arouses a pa.s.sion that enhances their romantic attraction.

When the smell, the lovemap, and other conditions, such as the r ight amount of similarity, challenge, and mystery, happen 184 simultaneously, the chemical reaction involving the PEA molecule takes place in the brain and is experienced as falling in love. The well-known work of brain researcher Paul MacLean (1973) enables the identification of the physical location of the lovemap in the brain. MacLean distinguishes among "three brains," or more accurately, among three layers in the human brain: The brain stem The brain stem-the most primitive part of the human brain, a part that humans share with reptiles. It is responsible for instinctive behaviors such as aggression, territoriality, self-defense, rituals, including mating rituals, and reproduction. This brain layer is also responsible for automatic physical activity including breathing, sleep, and blood flow.

The limbic system-the layer that surrounds the brainstem and is shared by humans and primates. This brain layer is responsible for strong emotions including rage, fear, happiness, sadness, disgust, hatred, and pa.s.sionate love.

The cortex-the newest brain layer to evolve, covers the limbic system, and is unique to humans. This brain is responsible for cognitive functioning. It is conscious, awake, rational, and in contact with the environment and with reality. It enables us to make decisions, think, plan, respond, and create. It is the brain layer that helps us find logic, order, and causality in things, the part of us we call "I".

According to this a.n.a.lysis it is clear, as Helen Fisher also notes, that the emotional ecstasy of falling in love happens in the limbic system. the emotional ecstasy of falling in love happens in the limbic system.

While Paul MacLean points to the physical location where falling in love happens and Helen Fisher points to the chemical changes in the brain that are responsible for the experience of falling in love, John Money's lovemaps explain why we fall in love with a particular person.

In summary, whether we are talking about a "love object" of the object relations theorists, or an "archetype" of the Jungian theorists, an "imprint" or a "lovemap"of the evolutionary theorists, it seems clear that we are discussing the same thing- an internal romantic image an internal romantic image that plays a key role in the choice of a person with whom we fall in love. that plays a key role in the choice of a person with whom we fall in love.

THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE AND My beautiful love as yet unknown you are living and breathing somewhere far away or perhaps quite close to me, but still I know nothing of the threads that form the fabric of your life THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE 185.

or the pattern which makes your face distinctive.

My beautiful love as yet unknown, I would like you to think of me tonight as I am thinking of you- not in a golden dream that is far from the real self, but as I really am, a living person that cannot be invented without distorting the truth.

-Michel Quoist, My beautiful love as yet unknown Lovers: the one whom you seek is with you Search within and without, He is with you.

-Shah Nimattuffah, The One Whom You Seek Is With You While most clinical theories emphasize the role of the negative and unconscious elements, when people talk about their romantic relations.h.i.+ps, they tend to emphasize the positive aspects of the romantic image. Many of these positive aspects are conscious and direct us to find a romantic partner with whom we can replicate the positive aspects of our childhood relations.h.i.+ps with our parents.

"The similarity is in the safety. The fact that the person is always there for you with open arms." there for you with open arms."

"I try to make him fatherly toward me. I made him spoil me like my dad did. He's like my dad in being vulnerable and trusting people. my dad did. He's like my dad in being vulnerable and trusting people.

But he can also be like my mom in opening up to people and being warm and loving." warm and loving."

"The really high communication, the high verbal factor is similar.

It was real warm, real close. We didn't hide it from anyone. The way I interacted with her is similar to my parents." interacted with her is similar to my parents."

"He's very similar to my mother, caring, intelligent, that's probably the reason why we got along so well. I'm closer to my mother than to the reason why we got along so well. I'm closer to my mother than to my father and he's more like her." my father and he's more like her."

"They [husband and parents] are all dependable and they all accept me the way I am." me the way I am."

"Many of the words I would use to describe our relations.h.i.+p are also also words I would use to describe my relations.h.i.+p with my mother: words I would use to describe my relations.h.i.+p with my mother: full of laughter, fun, mutually respectful, honest, secure.... I see the full of laughter, fun, mutually respectful, honest, secure.... I see the 186 186 way my mother treated me as an ideal. Honesty, trust, independence, my mother gave me those things, and in all my good relations.h.i.+ps my mother gave me those things, and in all my good relations.h.i.+ps these things are present." these things are present."

While the positive aspects of our romantic models help us reenact the good parts of our childhood relations.h.i.+ps with our parents, the negative aspects direct us to find a partner who can compensate us for negative, early-childhood experiences and things we wanted but did not get: "He is similar to my father in his love and concern for me, but he is not stingy like my father, he spoils me more. And he listens to is not stingy like my father, he spoils me more. And he listens to everything I have to say without screening like my father does. He is everything I have to say without screening like my father does. He is similar to my mother in his concern for me, but he doesn't tell me what similar to my mother in his concern for me, but he doesn't tell me what to do like she does. He only suggests things." to do like she does. He only suggests things."

"I felt totally comfortable with her. I never felt totally open with my parents. I was more open with her." parents. I was more open with her."

"We understand each other much more and he's more interested in understanding me. He doesn't disapprove or approve whereas they understanding me. He doesn't disapprove or approve whereas they do." do."

"He's the same odd mix of emotion and rational thinking, but I think he's more sensitive and tuned to people than my father ever was, think he's more sensitive and tuned to people than my father ever was, very at-tuned. When he listens you're the most important person in very at-tuned. When he listens you're the most important person in the room." the room."

At times the relations.h.i.+p with the parent was rejecting or abusive.

This, of course, has a major effect on the choice of a romantic partner.

"He was physically scary. There was a great deal of aggression in him, which is similar to the way my father was when I was a girl. No him, which is similar to the way my father was when I was a girl. No self control." self control."

"One negative pattern that I've got is trying to provoke him to get really angry. Because he is really calm and diplomatic and doesn't fly really angry. Because he is really calm and diplomatic and doesn't fly off the handle, but I can make him crazy. And I find that I do it. It's off the handle, but I can make him crazy. And I find that I do it. It's also a pattern that I had with my dad. A sense of relief that I get from also a pattern that I had with my dad. A sense of relief that I get from seeing him get so angry." seeing him get so angry."

"She would tell me to do stuff in a similar way to the way my mother told me to do things. I wanted someone to dominate me. I mother told me to do things. I wanted someone to dominate me. I wanted someone who will unconditionally love me. For some reason I wanted someone who will unconditionally love me. For some reason I thought that my mother didn't." thought that my mother didn't."

THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE.

187.

"Having a difficulty being open because I don't want to hurt anyone, and feeling like the Mom, the one who needs to nurture even if it and feeling like the Mom, the one who needs to nurture even if it causes me harm. I'm afraid of anger and rejection. I felt those things causes me harm. I'm afraid of anger and rejection. I felt those things growing up." growing up."

While our romantic images are influenced by the positive and the negative traits of our parents and other important people in our childhoods, there is a significant difference between the impact of the positive and the impact of the negative traits. Sadly, or luckily, which is the way I choose to see it, negative traits have a greater influence on our romantic image. The reason is not, as some psychologists believe, that we choose to marry our worst nightmares, but that with these traits we are far more likely to have unresolved issues. The person who fits our romantic image is the person who can best help us resolve this unresolved issue. This is why we choose to fall in love with people who share the negative traits of our parents (Hendrix, 1992).

In the example of a woman whose father was unfaithful to her mother, while reason will direct her to find a man whose fidelity she can trust, in most cases, she is far more likely to choose a Don Juan like her father. Not because she wants to repeat her childhood trauma, but because only a man like her father can give her what she didn't get from her father-the fidelity of a Don Juan. The paradox is that this woman chooses to fall in love and marry a Don Juan because he is similar to her father, but what she wants more than anything is for him to treat her, and only her, differently than her father. She wants her husband, a s.e.xy and attractive man who loves women and is always surrounded by adoring women, to be a faithful and loving husband. Only a faithful Don Juan can give her the security that her mother did not get as a wife, and that she, because of her identification with her mother, did not get as a child.

Even if she can't satisfy this unconscious need, because her Don Juan husband is unfaithful, the adult repet.i.tion of her childhood trauma with the greater sense of control of herself and her life, many times, has a healing effect.

At other times a romantic image can dictate the choice of a romantic partner who is the exact opposite of a parent with whom the person has an unresolved issue. A man who as a child witnessed the unfaithfulness of his mother can choose to fall in love with a woman whose most notable trait is her fidelity. He can then either enjoy this fidelity and the security it provides directly or else be pathologically jealous and, without any basis, accuse her of being unfaithful. Her repeated declarations and proofs of fidelity can help 188 heal his childhood wound. They prove to him again and again that contrary to his cuckolded father, his wife is faithful (Pines, 1998).

We are attracted to people who fit our romantic images in some significant way. The fit can be in personality, in appearance, in social background, or in behavior. When we meet such a person we project onto him or her our romantic image. If our beloved projects onto us his or her romantic image, and both of us identify with the projection, the mutual projection and identification is experienced as falling in love. This is why when couples fall in love they feel that they have known each other their entire lives.

Because the person with whom we fall in love plays such an important role in the dynamics of our psychological lives, the discovery of such a person is a very powerful experience. When people are in love and their love is reciprocated, it generates a feeling of complete and total happiness. They are convinced that this perfect love will last forever and they will never again feel loneliness, pain, or sorrow. Love paints everything pink and gives life a sense of meaning (Pines, 1997).

SUGGESTIONS FOR PEOPLE SEEKING LOVE.

The romantic image explains how people choose with whom to fall in love. How can you bring your unconscious romantic image to a conscious level? The easiest way is by looking at the projection of your romantic image onto the people with whom you were in love in the past. These people represent your love objects, your anima or animus, your imprinting, and your lovemap. Take time for the wonderful task of remembering-with as much detail and clarity as possible-each and every one of the people with whom you have ever been pa.s.sionately in love. Make a list of their most endearing traits-physical, emotional, behavioral-the traits that made you fall in love with them. Are there traits that several of your beloveds share? Are there traits that your beloveds share with one or both of your parents? These shared traits represent your romantic image. If you have had hundreds of falling-in-love experiences and none of the people with whom you were in love showed any similarity to each other or the people who were significant in your childhood, it may mean that you are falling in love with falling-in-love more than with a particular person.

If your past love experiences have been frustrating, and you decide that you don't like the prescription of your romantic image, you have two main options. One is to avoid people to whom you are THE INTERNAL ROMANTIC IMAGE 189.

attracted and choose instead people with whom you are comfortable, people who can be close and trusted friends, but never bring you to either the height of pa.s.sion or the depth of despair. The other option, rather than a.s.suming that your problematic past relations.h.i.+ps were bad accidents, is to take responsibility for your romantic choices, a.n.a.lyze your romantic image, and try to turn it from a script for disaster into an opportunity for growth. People who choose this option will find suggestions for how to undertake this difficult and exciting task in the last chapter.

11.F O U R S TO R I E S.

Asleep on my bed, night after night I dreamed of the one I love...

As soon as I...found him I held him and wouldn't let him go Until I took him to my mother's house, To the room where I was born.

- Song of Songs, Song of Songs, Old Testament Old Testament A fter reading various quoted remarks throughout the book, the reader may feel a certain curiosity about the man or woman speaking or the particular relations.h.i.+ps they describe. In this chapter, I hope to satisfy a portion of this curiosity. The first ten chapters of this book used the remarks from different interviews to demonstrate aspects of falling in love. In this chapter, in the manner of a clinical interview, we will learn the backgrounds and romantic relations.h.i.+ps of four of the people interviewed.

Out of all the partic.i.p.ants in my clinical studies, 93 Americans and 87 Israelis, I chose the following four interviews for in-depth a.n.a.lysis. Two, a man and a woman, were chosen because they received the highest score possible for the levels of intimacy they described in their romantic relations.h.i.+ps. At age twenty-three they were either married or about to get married to someone with whom they were very much in love, someone they described as a best friend, with whom they had had a long-term, deep, intimate, and highly satisfying relations.h.i.+p. The other two, also a man and a woman, were chosen because they received the lowest possible score in the same category.

At age twenty-three, neither has had an intimate relations.h.i.+p.

These four young people's romantic relations.h.i.+ps will be described, preceded by descriptions of their childhood relations.h.i.+ps with their parents. Let me emphasize that, before a.n.a.lyzing their 191 192.

romantic relations.h.i.+ps, I did not know anything about their childhood experiences; I learned about them after after I had chosen the four interviewees from their very different experiences in intimate relations.h.i.+ps. It is amazing to see in these four case studies just how powerful the influence of childhood experiences is on romantic attraction, and how unaware of it people are. I had chosen the four interviewees from their very different experiences in intimate relations.h.i.+ps. It is amazing to see in these four case studies just how powerful the influence of childhood experiences is on romantic attraction, and how unaware of it people are.

Each story begins with a description of the childhood relations.h.i.+p the person had with his or her mother and father and proceeds to describe the person's most significant intimate relations.h.i.+p. At the end of each story a table displays a numerical a.n.a.lysis of the romantic relations.h.i.+p.1 JILL.

Jill was an only child and a very loved child. As long as she can remember, she felt very close to her mother. Mother used to take her with her everywhere she went, and Jill had a hard time separating from her even for a short time. She was a little less close to her father who was very busy with his work, but her relations.h.i.+p with him was also very loving and physically expressive. Father was very interested in what Jill thought and gave her a feeling that her opinion was important to him.

Jill's father was better in his parental role than in his role as a breadwinner. He used to kiss Jill a lot and tell her often that he loved her. She used to sit on his lap when he watched television and loved it when he would tell funny, amusing stories. But her father had a hard time keeping a steady job and her mother, who carried everything on her shoulders, often lost her temper. She almost always had a good reason, but still felt terrible afterwards.