The Optimist's Daughter Part 9

"The boys"-there were six-saddled the pony for their sister; then they rode off with her. They lay on blankets and saddles under the apple tree and played the banjo for her. They told her so many stories she cried, all about people only she knew and they knew; had she not cried she would have never been able to stop laughing. Of her youngest brother, who sang "Billy Boy" and banged comically on the strings, she said, "Very well for Sam. He went out and cried on the ground when I married."

In sight of the door there was an iron bell mounted on a post. If anything were ever to happen, Grandma only needed to ring this bell.

The first time Laurel could remember arriving in West Virginia instead of just finding herself there, her mother and she had got down from the train in early morning and stood, after it had gone, by themselves on a steep rock, all of the world that they could see in the mist being their rock and its own iron bell on a post with its rope hanging down. Her mother gave the rope a pull and at its sound, almost at the moment of it, large and close to them appeared a gray boat with two of the boys at the oars. At their very feet had been the river. The boat came breasting out of the mist, and in they stepped. All new things in life were meant to come like that.

Bird dogs went streaking the upslanted pasture through the sweet long gra.s.s that swept them as high as their noses. While it was still day on top of the mountain, the light still warm on the cheek, the valley was dyed blue under them. While one of "the boys" was coming up, his white s.h.i.+rt would s.h.i.+ne for a long time almost without moving in her sight, like Venus in the sky of Mount Salus, while grandmother, mother, and little girl sat, outlasting the light, waiting for him to climb home.

Wings beat again. Flying in from over the mountain, over the roof and a child's head, high up in blue air, pigeons had formed a cl.u.s.ter and twinkled as one body. Like a great sheet of cloth whipping in a wind of its own making, they were about her ears. They came down to her feet and walked on the mountain. Laurel was afraid of them, but she had been provided with biscuits from the table to feed them with. They walked about, opalescent and solid, on worm-pink feet, each bird marked a little differently from the rest and each with a voice soft as a person's.

Laurel had stood panic-stricken, holding a biscuit in a frozen gesture of appeal.

"They're just Grandma's pigeons."

Her grandmother smoothed Laurel's already too straight hair and pushed it behind her ears. "They're just hungry."

But Laurel had kept the pigeons under eye in their pigeon house and had already seen a pair of them sticking their beaks down each other's throats, gagging each other, eating out of each other's craws, swallowing down all over again what had been swallowed before: they were taking turns. The first time, she hoped they might never do it again, but they did it again next day while the other pigeons copied them. They convinced her that they could not escape each other and could not themselves be escaped from. So when the pigeons flew down, she tried to position herself behind her grandmother's skirt, which was long and black, but her grandmother said again, "They're just hungry, like we are."

No more than Laurel had known that rivers ran clear and sang over rocks might her mother have known that her her mother's pigeons were waiting to pluck each other's tongues out. "Up home," just as Laurel was in Mount Salus, her mother was too happy to know what went on in the outside world. Besides, when her mother looked closely, it was not in order to see pigeons but to verify something-the truth or a mistake; hers or another's. Laurel was ashamed to tell anybody else before she told her mother; as a result the pigeons were considered Laurel's pets. mother's pigeons were waiting to pluck each other's tongues out. "Up home," just as Laurel was in Mount Salus, her mother was too happy to know what went on in the outside world. Besides, when her mother looked closely, it was not in order to see pigeons but to verify something-the truth or a mistake; hers or another's. Laurel was ashamed to tell anybody else before she told her mother; as a result the pigeons were considered Laurel's pets.

"Come on!" cried "the boys" to Grandma. "Let "Let the little beggar feed her pigeons!" the little beggar feed her pigeons!"

Parents and children take turns back and forth, changing places, protecting and protesting each other: so it seemed to the child.

Sometimes the top of the mountain was higher than the flying birds. Sometimes even clouds lay down the hill, hiding the treetops farther down. The highest house, the deepest well, the tuning of the strings; sleep in the clouds; Queen's Shoals; the fastest conversations on earth-no wonder her mother needed nothing else!

Eventually her father would come for them-he would be called "Mr. McKelva"; and they would go home on the train. They had taken a trunk with them-this trunk, with all the dresses made in this room: they might have stayed always. Her father had not appeared to realize it. They came back to Mount Salus. "Where do they get the trunk, with all the dresses made in this room: they might have stayed always. Her father had not appeared to realize it. They came back to Mount Salus. "Where do they get the mount?" mount?" her mother said scornfully. "There's no 'mount' here." her mother said scornfully. "There's no 'mount' here."

Grandma had died unexpectedly; she was alone. From the top of the stairs Laurel had heard her mother crying uncontrollably: the first time she had ever heard anyone cry uncontrollably except herself.

"I wasn't there! I wasn't there!" there!"

"You are not to blame yourself, Becky, do you hear me?"

"You can't make me lie to myself, Clinton!"

They raised their voices, cried out back and forth, as if grief could be fabricated into an argument to comfort itself with. When, some time later, Laurel asked about the bell, her mother replied calmly that how good a bell was depended on the distance away your children had gone.

Laurel's own mother, after her sight was gone, lay in bed in the big room reciting to herself sometimes as she had done on horseback at sixteen to make the long ride over the mountain go faster. She did not like being read to, she she preferred to do the reading, she said now. "'If the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted?'" she had asked, the most reckless expression on her wasted face. She knew Dr. Courtland's step, and greeted him with "'Man, proud man! Dress't in a little brief authority!'" preferred to do the reading, she said now. "'If the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted?'" she had asked, the most reckless expression on her wasted face. She knew Dr. Courtland's step, and greeted him with "'Man, proud man! Dress't in a little brief authority!'"

"Don't let them tie me down," her mother had whispered on the evening before the last of the operations. "If they try to hold me, I'll die."

Judge McKelva had let this pa.s.s, but Laurel had said, "I know-you're quoting the words of your own father."

She had nodded at them fervently.

When she was fifteen years old, Becky had gone with her father, who was suffering pain, on a raft propelled by a neighbor, down the river at night when it was filled with ice, to reach a railroad, to wave a lantern at a snowy train that would stop and take them on, to reach a hospital.

("How could you make a fire on a raft?" asked Laurel, here on this matting. "How could a fire burn on water?" "We had to have a fire," said her mother, sewing on her fingers. "We made made it burn.") it burn.") In the city of Baltimore, when at last they reached the hospital, the little girl entrusted the doctors with what he had told her: "Papa said, 'If you let them tie me down, I'll die.'" He could not by then have told the doctors for himself; he was in delirium. It turned out that he had suffered a ruptured appendix.

Two doctors came out of the operating room, to where Becky stood waiting in the hall. One said, "You'd better get in touch with whoever you know in Baltimore, little girl." "But I don't know anybody in Baltimore, sir." "Not know anybody in Baltimore?" Baltimore?"

This incredulity on the part of the hospital was the memory that had stayed sharpest in Becky's mind, although afterwards she had ridden home in the baggage car of the train, guided herself back to her mother and the houseful of little boys, bearing the news and bringing the coffin, both together.

Neither of us saved our fathers, Laurel thought. But Becky was the brave one. I stood in the hall, too, but I did not any longer believe that anyone could be saved, anyone at all. Not from others.

The house shook suddenly and seemed to go on shaking after a long roll of thunder.

"Up home, we loved a good storm coming, we'd fly outdoors and run up and down to meet it," her mother used to say. "We children would run as fast as we could go along the top of that mountain when the wind was blowing, holding our arms wide open. The wilder it blew the better we liked it." During the very bursting of a tornado which carried away half of Mount Salus, she said, "We "We never were afraid of a little wind. Up home, we'd welcome a good storm." never were afraid of a little wind. Up home, we'd welcome a good storm."

"You don't know anybody in Baltimore?" they had asked Becky.

But Becky had known herself.

There had been so much confidence when first her vision had troubled her. Laurel remembered how her mother, early in the morning of her first eye operation (and after an injection supposed to make her sleepy), was affected with the gayest high spirits and antic.i.p.ation, and had asked for her dressing case, and before the inadequate mirror had powdered and dabbed rouge on her face and put on a touch of lipstick and even sprayed about with her scent, as though she had been going to an evening party with her husband. She had stretched out her hand in exhilaration to the orderly who came to wheel her out, as if after Nate Courtland had removed that little cataract in the Mount Salus Hospital, she would wake up and be in West Virginia.

When someone lies sick and troubled for five years and is beloved, unforeseen partisans.h.i.+p can spring up among the well. During her mother's long trial in bed, Laurel, young and recently widowed, had somehow turned for a while against her father: he seemed so particularly helpless to do anything for his wife. He was not pa.s.sionately enough grieved at the changes in her! He seemed to give the changes his same, kind recognition-to accept them because they had to be only of the time being, even to love them, even to laugh sometimes at their absurdity. "Why do you persist in letting them hurt me?" her mother would ask him. Laurel battled against them both, each for the other's sake. She loyally reproached her mother for yielding to the storms that began coming to her out of her darkness of vision. Her mother had only to recollect herself! As for her father, he apparently needed guidance in order to see the tragic.

What burdens we lay on the dying, Laurel thought, as she listened now to the accelerated rain on the roof: seeking to prove some little thing that we can keep to comfort us when they can no longer feel-something as incapable of being kept as of being proved: the lastingness of memory, vigilance against harm, self-reliance, good hope, trust in one another.

Her father in his domestic gentleness had a horror of any sort of private clash, of divergence from the affectionate and the real and the explainable and the recognizable. He was a man of great delicacy; what he had not been born with he had learned in reaching toward his wife. He grimaced with delicacy. What he could not control was his belief that all his wife's troubles would turn out all right because there was nothing he would not have given her. When he reached a loss he simply put on his hat and went speechless out of the house to his office and worked for an hour or so getting up a brief for somebody.

"Laurel, open my desk drawer and hand me my old McGuffey's Fifth Reader," her mother would sometimes say while she sat there alone with her. It had become a book of reference. Laurel's hand, now, drew open the drawer of the desk, and there lay McGuffey. She took it out and let it fall open. "The Cataract of Lodore." She could imagine every word on the page being recited in her mother's voice-not the young mother who had learned it on her mountain, but the mother blind, in this house, in the next room, in her bed.

... "Rising and leaping- Sinking and creeping, Swelling and sweeping- Showering and springing, Flying and flinging, Writhing and ringing...Turning and twisting, Around and around With endless rebound; Smiting and fighting, A sight to delight in; Confounding, astounding-"

Whatever she recited she put the same deep feeling into. With her voice she was saying that the more she could call back of "The Cataract of Lodore," the better she could defend her case in some trial that seemed to be going on against her life.

"And glittering and frittering, And gathering and feathering, And whitening and brightening, And quivering and s.h.i.+vering, And hurrying and skurrying, And thundering and floundering..."

Then when he'd come home, her father would stand helpless in bewilderment by his wife's bed. Spent, she had whispered, "Why did I marry a coward?"-then had taken his hand to help him bear it.

Later still, she began to say-and her voice never weakened, never harshened, it was her spirit speaking in the wrong words-"All you do is hurt me. I wish I might know what it is I've done. Why is it necessary to punish me like this and not tell me why?" And still she held fast to their hands, to Laurel's too. Her cry was not complaint; it was anger at wanting to know and being denied knowledge; it was love's deep anger.

"Becky, it's going to be all right," Judge McKelva whispered to her.

"I've heard that before."

One day her mother had from her torments gasped out the words, "I need spiritual guidance!" She, who had dared any McKelva missionary to speak his piece to her, sent out through Laurel an invitation to the Presbyterian preacher to call upon her soon. Dr. Bolt was young then, and appealing to women-Miss Tennyson Bullock used to say so; but his visit upstairs here had not been well taken. He had begun by reading her a psalm, which she recited along with him. Her tongue was faster than his. When he was left behind on everything he tried, she told him, "I'd like better than anything you can tell me just to see the mountain one more time." When he wondered if G.o.d intended her to, she put in a barb: "And on that mountain, young man, there's a white strawberry that grows completely in the wild, if you know where to look for it. I think it very likely grows in only one spot in the world. I could tell you this minute where to go, but I doubt if you'd see them growing after you got there. Deep in the woods, you'd miss them. You could find them by mistake, and you could line your hat with leaves and try to walk off with a hatful: that would be how little you knew about those berries. Once you've let them so much as touch each other, you've already done enough to finish 'em." She fixed him with her nearly sightless eyes. "Nothing you ever ate in your life was anything like as delicate, as fragrant, as those wild white strawberries. You had to know enough to go where they are and stand and eat them on the spot, that's all."

"I'll take you back to your mountains, Becky," her father had said into the despairing face after Dr. Bolt had tiptoed away. Laurel was certain it was the first worthless promise that had ever lain between them. And the house on the mountain had by that time, anyway, burned. Laurel had been in camp the summer it happened; but her mother had been "up home." She had run back into the flames and rescued her dead father's set of d.i.c.kens at the risk of her life, and brought the books down to Mount Salus and made room for them in the library bookcase, and there they stood now. But before she died it had slipped her mind that the house had ever burned down at all.

"I'll carry you there, Becky."

"Lucifer!" she cried. "Liar!"

That was when he started, of course, being what he scowlingly called an optimist; he might have dredged the word up out of his childhood. He loved his wife. Whatever she did that she couldn't help doing was all right. Whatever she was driven to say was all right. But it was not not all right! Her trouble was that very desperation. And no one had the power to cause that except the one she desperately loved, who refused to consider that she was desperate. It was betrayal on betrayal. all right! Her trouble was that very desperation. And no one had the power to cause that except the one she desperately loved, who refused to consider that she was desperate. It was betrayal on betrayal.

In her need tonight Laurel would have been willing to wish her mother and father dragged back to any torment of living because that torment was something they had known together, through each other. She wanted them with her to share her grief as she had been the sharer of theirs. She sat and thought of only one thing, of her mother holding and holding onto their hands, her own and her father's holding onto her mother's, long after there was nothing more to be said.

Laurel could remember, too, her mother holding her own hands before her eyes, very close, so that she seemed to be seeing them, the empty, working fingers.

"Poor hands in winter, when she came back from the well-bleeding from the ice, from the ice!" ice!" her mother cried. her mother cried.

"Who, Mother?" Laurel asked.

"My mother!" she cried accusingly. mother!" she cried accusingly.

After a stroke had crippled her further, she had come to believe-without being able to see her room, see a face, to verify anything by seeing-that she had been taken somewhere that was neither home nor "up home," that she was left among strangers, for whom even anger meant nothing, on whom it would only be wasted. She had died without speaking a word, keeping everything to herself, in exile and humiliation.

To Laurel while she still knew her, she had made a last remark: "You could have saved your mother's life. But you stood by and wouldn't intervene. I despair for you."

Baltimore was as far a place as you could go with those you loved, and it was where they left you.

Then Laurel's father, when he was approaching seventy, had married Fay. Both times he chose, he had suffered; she had seen him contain it. He died worn out with both wives-almost as if up to the last he had still had both of them.

As he lay without moving in the hospital he had concentrated utterly on time pa.s.sing, indeed he had. But which way had it been going for him? When he could no longer get up and encourage it, push it forward, had it turned on him, started moving back the other way?

Fay had once at least called Becky "my rival." Laurel thought: But the rivalry doesn't lie where Fay thinks. It's not between the living and the dead, between the old wife and the new; it's between too much love and too little. There is no rivalry as bitter; Laurel had seen its work.

Later and later into the night, with the buffeting kept at its distance, though it never let up, Laurel sat under the lamp among the papers. She held in her hands her mother's yellowed notebooks-correspondence records, address books-Virginia aunts and cousins long dead, West Virginia nieces and nephews now married and moved where Laurel no longer quite kept up with them. The brothers had moved down the mountain into town, into the city, and the banjo player who had known so many verses to "Where Have You Been, Billy Boy?" had turned into a bank official. Only the youngest had been able to come to Mount Salus to his sister's funeral. He who had been the Evening Star climbed on two canes to her grave and said to Judge McKelva, as they stood together, "She's a long way from West Virginia."

A familiar black-covered "composition book" came off the shelf and lay open on Laurel's lap to "My Best Bread," written out twenty or thirty years ago in her mother's strict, pointed hand, giving everything but the steps of procedure. ("A cook is not exactly a fool.") Underneath it had lain something older, a cla.s.s notebook. Becky had sent herself to teacher's college, wearing the deep-dyed blouse. It was her keeping keeping her diagrams of her diagrams of Paradise Lost Paradise Lost and Milton's Universe that was so like her, pigeonholing them here as though she'd be likely to find them useful again. Laurel gazed down at the careful figuring of the modest household accounts, drifted along the lined pages (this was an old Mount Salus Bank book) to where they eased into garden diaries and the plots of her rose beds, her perennial borders. "I have just come in. Clinton is still toiling. I see him now from my kitchen window, struggling with the Mermaid rose." "That fool fig tree is already putting out leaves. Will it never learn?" and Milton's Universe that was so like her, pigeonholing them here as though she'd be likely to find them useful again. Laurel gazed down at the careful figuring of the modest household accounts, drifted along the lined pages (this was an old Mount Salus Bank book) to where they eased into garden diaries and the plots of her rose beds, her perennial borders. "I have just come in. Clinton is still toiling. I see him now from my kitchen window, struggling with the Mermaid rose." "That fool fig tree is already putting out leaves. Will it never learn?"

The last pigeonhole held letters her mother had saved from her own mother, from "up home."

She slipped them from their thin envelopes and read them now for herself. Widowed, her health failing, lonely and sometimes bedridden, Grandma wrote these letters to her young, venturesome, defiant, happily married daughter as to an exile, without ever allowing herself to put it into so many words. Laurel could hardly believe the bravery and serenity she had put into these short letters, in the quickened pencil to catch the pocket of one of "the boys" before he rode off again, dependent-Grandma then, as much as Laurel now-upon his remembering to mail them from "the courthouse." She read on and met her own name on a page. "I will try to send Laurel a cup of sugar for her birthday. Though if I can find a way to do it, I would like to send her one of my pigeons. It would eat from her hand, if she would let it."

A flood of feeling descended on Laurel. She let the papers slide from her hand and the books from her knees, and put her head down on the open lid of the desk and wept in grief for love and for the dead. She lay there with all that was adamant in her yielding to this night, yielding at last. Now all she had found had found her. The deepest spring in her heart had uncovered itself, and it began to flow again.

If Phil could have lived- But Phil was lost. Nothing of their life together remained except in her own memory; love was sealed away into its perfection and had remained there.

If Phil had lived- She had gone on living with the old perfection undisturbed and undisturbing. Now, by her own hands, the past had been raised up, and he he looked at her, Phil himself-here waiting, all the time, Lazarus. He looked at her out of eyes wild with the craving for his unlived life, with mouth open like a funnel's. looked at her, Phil himself-here waiting, all the time, Lazarus. He looked at her out of eyes wild with the craving for his unlived life, with mouth open like a funnel's.

What would have been their end, then? Suppose their marriage had ended like her father and mother's? Or like her mother's father and mother's? Like- "Laurel! Laurel! Laurel!" Phil's voice cried.

She wept for what happened to life.

"I wanted it!" Phil cried. His voice rose with the wind in the night and went around the house and around the house. It became a roar. "I wanted it!"

Four.

SHE HAD SLEPT in the chair, like a pa.s.senger who had come on an emergency journey in a train. But she had rested deeply. in the chair, like a pa.s.senger who had come on an emergency journey in a train. But she had rested deeply.

She had dreamed that she was was a pa.s.senger, and riding with Phil. They had ridden together over a long bridge. a pa.s.senger, and riding with Phil. They had ridden together over a long bridge.

Awake, she recognized it: it was a dream of something that had really happened. When she and Phil were coming down from Chicago to Mount Salus to be married in the Presbyterian Church, they came on the train. Laurel, when she travelled back and forth between Mount Salus and Chicago, had always taken the sleeper-the same crack train she had just ridden from New Orleans. She and Phil followed the route on the day train, and she saw it for the first time.

When they were climbing the long approach to a bridge after leaving Cairo, rising slowly higher until they rode above the tops of bare trees, she looked down and saw the pale light widening and the river bottoms opening out, and then the water appearing, reflecting the low, early sun. There were two rivers. Here was where they came together. This was the confluence of the waters, the Ohio and the Mississippi.

They were looking down from a great elevation and all they saw was at the point of coming together, the bare trees marching in from the horizon, the rivers moving into one, and as he touched her arm she looked up with him and saw the long, ragged, pencil-faint line of birds within the crystal of the zenith, flying in a V of their own, following the same course down. All they could see was sky, water, birds, light, and confluence. It was the whole morning world.

And they themselves were a part of the confluence. Their own joint act of faith had brought them here at the very moment and matched its occurrence, and proceeded as it proceeded. Direction itself was made beautiful, momentous. They were riding as one with it, right up front. It's our turn! she'd thought exultantly. And we're going to live forever.

Left bodiless and graveless of a death made of water and fire in a year long gone, Phil could still tell her of her life. For her life, any life, she had to believe, was nothing but the continuity of its love.

She believed it just as she believed that the confluence of the waters was still happening at Cairo. It would be there the same as it ever was when she went flying over it today on her way back-out of sight, for her, this time, thousands of feet below, but with nothing in between except thin air.

Philip Hand was an Ohio country boy. He had a country boy's soft-spokenness and selfless energy and long-range plans. He had put himself through architectural school-Georgia Tech, because it was cheaper and warmer there-in her country; then had met her when she came north to study in his, at the Art Inst.i.tute in Chicago. From far back, generations, they must have had common memories. (Ohio was across the river from West Virginia; the Ohio was his river.) But there was nothing like a kins.h.i.+p between them, as they learned. In life and in work and in affection they were each shy, each bold, just where the other was not. She grew up in the kind of shyness that takes its refuge in giving refuge. Until she knew Phil, she thought of love as shelter; her arms went out as a naive offer of safety. He had showed her that this need not be so. Protection, like self-protection, fell away from her like all one garment, some anachronism foolishly saved from childhood.

Philip had large, good hands, and extraordinary thumbs-double-jointed where they left the palms, nearly at right angles; their long, blunt tips curved strongly back. When she watched his right hand go about its work, it looked to her like the Hand of his name.

She had a certain gift of her own. He taught her, through his example, how to use it. She learned how to work by working beside him. He taught her to draw, to work toward and into her pattern, not to sketch peripheries.

Designing houses was not enough for his energy. He fitted up a workshop in their South Side apartment, taking up half the kitchen. "I get a moral satisfaction out of putting things together," he said. "I like to see a thing finished." He made simple objects of immediate use, taking unlimited pains. What he was, was a perfectionist.

But he was not an optimist-she knew that. Phil had learned everything he could manage to learn, and done as much as he had time for, to design houses to stand, to last, to be lived in; but he had known they could equally well, with the same devotion and tireless effort, be built of cards.

When the country went to war, Philip said, "Not the Army, not the Engineers. I've heard what happens to architects. They get put in Camouflage. This war's got to move too fast to stop for junk like camouflage." He went into the Navy and ended up as a communications officer on board a mine sweeper in the Pacific.

Taking the train, Laurel's father made his first trip to Chicago in years to see Phil on his last leave. (Her mother was unable to travel anywhere except "up home.") "How close have those kamikaze kamikaze come to you so far, son?" the Judge wanted to know. come to you so far, son?" the Judge wanted to know.

"About close enough to shake hands with," Phil said.

A month later, they came closer still.

As far as Laurel had ever known, there had not happened a single blunder in their short life together. But the guilt of outliving those you love is justly to be borne, she thought. Outliving is something we do to them. The fantasies of dying could be no stranger than the fantasies of living. Surviving is perhaps the strangest fantasy of them all.

The house was bright and still, like a s.h.i.+p that has tossed all night and come to harbor. She had not forgotten what waited for her today. Turning off the panicky lights of last night as she went, she walked through the big bedroom and opened the door into the hall.

She saw the bird at once, high up in a fold of the curtain at the stair window; it was still, too, and narrowed, wings to its body.

As the top step of the stairs creaked under her foot, the bird quivered its wings rapidly without altering its position. She sped down the stairs and closed herself into the kitchen while she planned and breakfasted. She'd got upstairs again and dressed and come out again, still to find the bird had not moved from its position.

Loudly, like a clumsy, slow echo of the wingbeating, a pounding began on the front porch. It was no effort any longer to remember anybody: Laurel knew there was only one man in Mount Salus who knocked like that, the perennial jack-leg carpenter who appeared in spring to put in new window cords, sharpen the lawn mower, plane off the back screen door from its wintertime sag. He still acted, no doubt, for widows and maiden ladies and for wives whose husbands were helpless around the house.

"Well, this time it's your dad. Old Miss been gone a dozen year. I miss her ever' time I pa.s.s the old place," said Mr. Cheek. "Her and her ideas."

Was this some last, misguided call of condolence? "What is it, Mr. Cheek?" she asked.