Ilustrado Part 13

Me: "We're six, ma'am. My parents kept having kids until they had one they actually liked."

Raqel: "What number are you in the family?"

Me: "Number five."

Raqel: "That's funny! Isn't that funny, Effy?"

Effy: "We're lucky we had a girl, then a boy. We could stop trying."

Sadie: "You know, Miguel is a writer. A d.a.m.n fine writer, too."

Toofy: "Have you even read his work?"

Raqel: "Oh! What do you write, Miguel? My daughter is a big reader. She inherited her worldly inquisitiveness from me. I used to read her the-"

Effy: "Tell me, how do you earn a living, Miguel? I guess your rich grandparents support your hobby."

Raqel: "Effy!"

Sadie: "Dad!"

(Toofy drops his cutlery on his plate.) Spooky Lolo: "I taught you better than that. I remember when you killed your puppy because I got angry with you."

Effy: "No, Miguel, I'm just curious. Really. If that's what my daughter wants, that's what she gets, right? I just want to know how much to save for her inheritan-"

Sadie: "Daddy, please."

Raqel: "You must excuse my husband. His art is making money."

Me: "It's a hard art to master, ma'am. Actually, I make enough to support myself. Freelancing and what have you."

Effy: "You can't do that here in the Philippines, no? There's not enough money in it. Maybe in the States yes, but here ..."

Raqel: "I wanted to be a writer, too, you know. Then I got pregnant and there were so many things keeping me busy. A household to run, my work at the Chosen Children Foundation, Christmas bazaars, Pilates, et cetera."

Sadie: "My mom used to hang with poets and Maoist revolutionaries."

Effy: "You know, speaking of revolutionaries, someone at the office told me he knows the rumors are true. About s.e.xys.e.xygate. Vita Nova has a videotape that will implicate the president."

Raqel: "That's an example of in flagrante derelicto."

Sadie: "Eew!"

Toofy: "It's delicto delicto."

Effy: "The poor b.a.s.t.a.r.d, betrayed by his new mistress."

Sadie: "I heard Reverend Martin's backing him anyway. Despite all that 'morality' stuff."

Raqel: "Why can't Filipino men stay monogamous, I don't get it. Like dogs on the street."

Effy: "Because of their wives, that's why."

Raqel (ignoring her husband): "That's the problem with a charismatic order like Reverend Martin's. They're unsanctioned by the Church, but they get away with almost murder ..."

Sadie: "They deliver the votes."

Effy: "I think they give people hope."

Raqel: "Well, how many millions belong to the El Ohim? Ten? He's a kingmaker. But no matter how populist you are, what kind of Christians are you if the Pope doesn't recognize you?"

Spooky Lolo: "I'm telling you, Satan came as Jesus."

Effy (sounding long-suffering): "Papa. Don't blaspheme." Sadie: "Mom, Miguel is doing the biography of Crispin Salvador. He's one of your favorites, no?"

Raqel: "Well, just one of my favorite local local ones. He's no Paulo Coelho. ones. He's no Paulo Coelho. The Alchemist The Alchemist changed my life. But it's great that you're writing Salvador's biography. How wonderful for you. Finally, someone's doing it." changed my life. But it's great that you're writing Salvador's biography. How wonderful for you. Finally, someone's doing it."

Sadie: "Mom, did you know that Crispin-"

Effy: "My wife was once in love with him, Miguel. She had his photograph in her locker at school."

Raqel: "It was a wonderful photo. Salvador looked like a silent-era film star. But Dr. Gonzales exaggerates. I was taking photography at the time, and my teacher at a.s.sumption, the famous Miss Florentina, she asked us to replicate the lighting for our portraiture project."

Effy: "But after that, you went and read all his books."

Raqel: "Oh, you're so funny. Sadie, isn't your dad funny when he's jealous? Well, it'll be a good biography. Salvador was quite the character. I saw him once on campus, giving a talk. Very magnetic. You know, there was always something melancholy about him that-"

Me: "I'll be interviewing Miss Florentina."

Raqel: "Oh! Do give her my regards. If she remembers me. It was so long ago. She was a real dynamo. With her poetry and her travels and her men. She had a joie de vivre that made us us students feel old. And she was as clever as a mousetrap. She always played the fool in order to control us." students feel old. And she was as clever as a mousetrap. She always played the fool in order to control us."

Toofy: "I read on a blog that Salvador, like, offed himself."

Sadie: "Mom, listen. Did you know-"

Raqel: "Did he? Oh my. How sad."

Toofy: "That's why you should read the papers, Ma."

Effy: "Wasn't Salvador a h.o.m.o?"

Sadie: "Dad!"

Toofy (throwing his fork onto the plate again): "May I be excused?"

Raqel: "No, you may not. We're not halfway through dinner."

Sadie: "Mom, let him go. He's got so much homework."

Effy (looking at his son): "What's the problem? Are there h.o.m.os.e.xuals here? Of course not."

Raqel: "Toof, stay put. Pray tonight for a coup if you don't want to go to school."

Spooky Lolo: "In the end, somebody else will be telling the truth, and it will all be different."

Raqel (mildly raising her voice): "Papa, please! It's time for your next spoonful. Why don't you go into the kitchen?"

Effy: "Miguel, where did you receive your education?"

Sadie: "Miguel went to an Ivy League school for his master's. For creative writing. Bet you didn't know Ivy League schools had creative writing programs."

Effy: "I went to Harvard for my master's, then to Princeton for my PhD. MBA, then doctorate in economics. And you?"

Raqel: "My husband used to spend his tuition on trips to New York, staying at the Plaza and blowing his parents' money on blond hotsipatootsies."

Me: "Columbia, sir."

Effy: "That's not true. I did that one one semester. My last. I'd earned a scholars.h.i.+p for students from the Third World, so my tuition money was a bonus." semester. My last. I'd earned a scholars.h.i.+p for students from the Third World, so my tuition money was a bonus."

Raqel: "Lord, how could you go out with white women? White people don't use water to wipe their bottoms after they use the toilet."

Toofy: "That's called 'dry-wiping.'"

Raqel: "Toof! Please, we're eating!"

Effy: "Sorry, Miguel, did you say Columbia? A Little Ivy then." Me: "Actually, sir, I think it was one of the Founding Four." Effy: "No, it's Harvard, Yale, University of Pennsylvania, and Princeton."

Me: "I don't think so, sir. I think it was Columbia and not Prince ton. I guess it depends on whom you ask."

Effy: "I'm sure it's Princeton."

Raqel: "Who wants mangoes? We had some flown in from the farm in Cebu."

Me: "Thank you, Mrs. Gonzales. I'd love some."

Raqel: "Please, call me t.i.ta Raqy."

Me: "Thank you, t.i.ta Raqy."

(Mrs. Gonzales rings a delicate silver bell on the lazy Susan and watches the kitchen door for the maid. When n.o.body comes she rings it again.) Effy: "That bell doesn't work. It's not loud enough. I'll use the remote."

Raqel: "That thing is so cra.s.s. This bell is much more elegant."

(Dr. Gonzales reaches for the remote control on the buffet table behind him. He presses the b.u.t.ton and an electronic bell sounds in the kitchen-ding, dong dong, dang dang, dong dong-like Big Ben on the hour. A second later, a maid comes out with a tray.) Effy: "If the system ain't broke, don't fix it."

Raqel (speaking in Cebuano): "Inday, please clear the table and bring out some sliced mangoes. One for each ..."

Sadie (rubbing her foot against mine, then whispering to me): "Ask my mom about Dulcinea."

Me: "I keep trying."

Raqel: "... Cut them in halves first, then peel the skin of the pit and stick a knife into the pit. Repeat my instructions."

(The maid repeats the instructions in Cebuano. She returns to the kitchen.) Raqel: "She's new. We're still house-training her."

Spooky Lolo: "You were so beautiful when you were young. So much idealism it was inspiring."

(Dr. Gonzales rings the electronic bell and the maid reappears.) Effy (in Tagalog): "I think my father is ready for his next scoop of food."

(The maid guides Spooky Lolo by the arm into the kitchen.) Toofy (conspiratorially again): "You know, that maid, she washed her feet in the toilet when she first arrived from the province."

Raqel: "Toofy, be Christian, child! You know, Miguel, how these maids are. So hard to find good ones, and tougher to train. You have to tell them thrice how to do everything. Once so that they can forget it, twice so they can get it wrong, three times so they are reminded how to do it correctly. My friend Jessica Rodriguez had this story about her new maid ... you know the Rodriguezes? They live in Forbes Park also, near the back of the Polo Club. You can smell the stables from their pool."

(Spooky Lolo comes out of the kitchen again, chewing, and resumes shuffling around the dining table.) Effy: "Doesn't your family own a compound there, Miguel?"

Me: "My grandparents and my aunts, sir. But it's not a compound, just a few properties."

Effy: "Imagine, a compound in Forbes Park! I should have gone into zippers and politics."

Raqel: "As I was saying ... Jessica was hosting a dinner last week and they were serving lechon. You know, roast suckling pig."

Sadie: "Mom, Miguel grew up in the Philippines."

Raqel: "Ah, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting. You don't have a Filipino accent anymore! Good for you. Anyway, so Jessica Rodriguez, she told her new maid to serve the pig on the large silver platter, but with an apple in the mouth. Of course, who wants to see the fangs and tongue of the pig, no? The maid goes away and the guests eagerly await the entrance of the lechon. When she returns, sure enough, the pig is on the silver platter, and the apple is right there, plop! plop!, in the mouth of the maid. Oh my lord, everyone couldn't stop laughing, no? The poor maid didn't know what was going on. Even when she set down the lechon and started to carve it, the apple was right there in her yap."

Sadie: "That's such an old urban myth. It always happens to someone's t.i.ta So-and-So. It's like seeing the White Lady of Balete Drive on a stormy night."

Toofy: "A night like this one."

Raqel: "No, it's really true. It happened to Jessica. She told me when I saw her in the parlor at the Polo Club. Why would she lie?"

(The maid comes with the plates of mangoes and we're all quiet as she serves each of us. Spooky Lolo stops his circling and watches the maid complete her task.) Me (turning to Toofy): "So, Toofy, what are you going to study in college?"

Toofy: "Dunno."

Raqel: "Inday, serve from the right, and remove from the left. Please repeat to me."

Inday: "Serve from right to left."

Raqel: "No. Serve from left, remove plates from right."

Me: "Do you know where you're going to college?"

Toofy: "Not sure. Far away."

Inday: "Yes, ma'am. Serve from left, remove plates from right."

Raqel: "Good. Now you can go."