Behaving Badly Part 22

'Yes, you can have parties there, apparently. I've never been to one myself,' she went on, as we looked at the gla.s.s-ware. 'It's going to be on the day itself-August the second. They were very lucky that it was available at such short notice.'

'Are you going to arrange it?'

She shook her head. 'The zoo do it all, which is great as I haven't got time. All I'm doing is sending the invites-I sneaked the addresses from Nigel's Filofax. I'm asking about seventy people.'

'I hope you don't have to ask that colleague of his, Mary. I thought she was rather unpleasant at the barbecue,' I added, though I wasn't going to tell Daisy why.

'I'm afraid I will have to ask her,' Daisy replied. 'She works quite closely with him, and she seems to have the ear of their new head of department, so Nigel likes to keep in with her-but I agree, she's a bit of a cow. You can invite David, if you like,' she added, as we looked at the standard lamps.

'Can I?'

'Of course. Nigel won't mind, and it'll be nicer for you as I'll be pretty busy, and anyway, I'd like to meet him. I know so much about him. In fact-Christ, Miranda-just think: I know things about David that he doesn't even know himself.'

'I will ask him, then,' I said. 'Thanks. After all, if it wasn't for you, Daisy, I wouldn't have met him.'

'Is that right?'

'Yes, because you recommended me to Caroline-' Trigger was the trigger, I suddenly realized, '-which is how I met Jimmy again. And then you encouraged me to look for David.'

'And you found him!'

'Yes.' My heart turned over. 'I did. Anyway, I'm glad Nigel's having a party-it would be a shame not to.'

'And obviously, I'm not going to bring up the marriage issue before then,' Daisy went on, with surprising calm. 'Because, well, it would spoil his birthday, wouldn't it, if we were having a crisis.'

'It's up to you.'

'And what's another two weeks, when you think about it?'

'Hmm.' We finished browsing and made our way outside. 'That's where the self-defence cla.s.ses are, by the way,' she said, as the traffic roared past. 'Over there, in Howland Street. You will come this week, won't you?'

'Yes, sure.'

'Marcus is a great teacher. And although you're not very likely to be mugged again, I think it's good to have these techniques up your sleeve. Anyway, I'd better dash. I've got an underwater theme party to organize and I've got to find some mermaids' tails for the waitresses.'

'And I have to attend to a nymphomaniac cat.'

Animal Crackers has been getting huge ratings-seven million-which is great for business. By Wednesday afternoon I'd taken six new bookings. If I have seven a week, I'm fine. With eight I'm in profit. Nine and I'm laughing. My money worries have begun to subside. Unlike my mother's.

'The cash-flow's dire,' she said, when she called for a chat at six. 'So I've decided I'm definitely going to do the Llama Psychotherapy during the week. I'm going to call it "Llama Karma". I've already put it on my website and I've had some leaflets printed up. I put some in the post to you yesterday.'

'How much will you charge?'

'A hundred for the day, to include lunch. The local radio people are interviewing me about it but what I really need is national publicity. Do you know anyone on one of the broad-sheets?'

'I'm afraid I don't. I'm not in that loop. Oh, I do know a young guy on the Independent on Sunday,' I suddenly remembered. 'He's on the diary, but he'd tell you who you could contact for some feature coverage.'

'Are you sure you can't get me on Animal Crackers?' she asked plaintively.

'You know I can't, Mum. I don't want to annoy them by even asking again, to be honest.'

'Well, if there's anyone you know who's really stressed-anyone at all-then tell them to call me and they can come and spend the day with the boys.'

Ten minutes later, Dad phoned-it's funny how he and Mum often phone within minutes of each other. Perhaps they're more in tune than they realize.

Dad sounded depressed. 'I've had the chairman giving me an ear-bas.h.i.+ng about the cost of paving the parking lot, and hiring green-keeping staff, and we've only had five new members this week. Plus the golf pro has resigned because he thinks the club isn't going to work out. Plus I sent your mother a friendly card, and she returned it, unopened.'

'Oh dear.'

'I just don't understand. You said she was "fine" about me coming down here. But she clearly isn't. I can't even get her to acknowledge me, let alone be civil. She pretends not to know me. It's absurd.'

'Then why don't you just turn up at the house?'

'Jesus, no! She'd probably call the police. I didn't exactly expect her to hang up a "Welcome" sign for me; but I didn't think she'd be so openly hostile either.'

'Well, she's not the most forgiving person in the world.'

'Tell me about it. You know, Miranda, maybe I've made a big mistake in coming back,' he went on. 'I mean, I've been here less than a month and already I'm so wound up. I'm just so stressed,' he added wearily. Ah...

By seven, the puppy party crowd had arrived. Lily had come in brandis.h.i.+ng two bottles of champagne to celebrate the fact that Moi! had won Magazine of the Year the night before.

'Let's have a proper party!' she said. 'You don't mind do you, teach'?'

'No,' I said. 'That's fine by me.' I nipped round the corner and bought some crisps and olives. Then we all sat there sipping Laurent-Perrier, playing Pa.s.s the Puppy.

'Couldn't we go outside with them?' Lily suddenly asked. 'Yes,' Phyllis agreed, with another large swig. Her papery cheeks were quite pink. 'Couldn't we go outside?'

'Yes, Miranda, please, please, please-can't we go outside?' they chorused.

'Okay,' I said. 'Why not? There's plenty of light left, and we could do some basic disobedience.'

'Shouldn't that be "obedience"?' said Sue.

My head was swimming slightly as I reached for Herman's lead. 'Yes. Obedience. That's what I said.' As we left the Mews, the chiropractor grinned at us as he got into his car.

'It's the puppy posse!' Lily called out.

'Now, do tell me more about your film stunts,' Phyllis asked Marcus as they strolled along in front of me. He'd gallantly offered her his arm.

'No, Phyllis,' he protested. 'It's too boring talking about work.'

'But your work isn't boring at all. Please tell us,' she insisted.

'Yes, do, Marcus,' said Lily. 'Anyway, I need to know because I might do an article about you.'

'What do you enjoy most?' Phyllis asked, as a small boy stopped to stroke the puppies. 'Horse-riding stunts?'

'No, horses aren't really my thing. My favourites are aerial stunts-parachuting, flying, sky-diving, hang-gliding-anything like that. I like stair falls, and motorbike skids; and I do enjoy a good car crash.' I noticed that the little boy was giving Marcus odd looks. 'I also quite enjoy being blown up when I get the chance,' he added. 'Air rams are brilliant for that.'

'What are air rams?' asked Phyllis, enthralled, as we walked on.

'They're nitrogen-powered footplates. You just step onto them and they blow you right into the air. We used them in Private Ryan-we got some fabulous explosions.'

Phyllis was sighing with happiness.

'What's your best stunt ever?' Lily asked, as we pa.s.sed The Queens pub.

'Do I have to tell you?' he groaned.

'Yes, you do,' she commanded.

'Okay,' he sighed. 'But only as you're asking. It was a high level fight I once did.'

'How high?' asked Phyllis.

'Well, you know that statue of Christ outside Rio de Janeiro.'

'Jesus!' Lily exclaimed.

'Yes-that one. I had to climb up into the head via a small hole and cling to the crown of thorns. Then I walked out along an arm, two and a half thousand feet above the city and had to fight this other stuntman.'

Phyllis had clapped her hand to her chest in an ecstasy of terror. I was worried that she was going to collapse.

'Did you have a safety harness?' Lily asked, her eyes goggling.

'No.'

'Did you fall?' Phyllis asked. 'Is that how you broke your nose?'

'If I'd fallen two and a half thousand feet, Phyllis, I can a.s.sure you I'd have broken a lot more than my nose. No, I was lifted off by helicopter, on the end of a rope, and they dropped me on Copacabana beach.'

'Were you always a daredevil?' Phyllis asked as we crossed Primrose Hill Road.

'No, I was a bit of a squit really. I was very anxious and got picked on all the time. That's how my nose got broken-in the playground. Maybe that's why I went into this business-to conquer my fears.'

'And how's your new young lady?' Phyllis asked with a tipsy smirk.

'Oh she's...fine,' he replied. 'She's absolutely fine.'

'She must have been thrilled with the chocolates,' I said.

'Well, she was,' he replied. 'Except...well, unfortunately, chocolate gives Natalie migraines.'

'Really? Oh dear.'

'Yeah.' He shrugged. 'I didn't know that. It's quite a serious problem for her actually, she really suffers with them but-hey-there she is!' Coming towards us, on our side of the road, was a slender blonde of exquisite prettiness. It was her-the Timotei ad. The girl I'd seen in the Mews. So she was Marcus's new flame.

'She's very pretty,' Phyllis said admiringly.

'Yes, she's gorgeous,' Marcus whispered back. He waved at Natalie who suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, then crossed to the other side of the road. Then she got out her mobile phone, and dialled. Suddenly Marcus's mobile trilled out.

'Hi, Nats!' he said. 'How are you? Good. Yes, I'm fine-apart from a slight sniffle. And where are you going? To the chemist? Piriton? For your hay fever? Oh, I see. Well we're just going onto the Hill with the puppies.'

'Why's she doing that?' Phyllis whispered to Lily. Lily shrugged her slim shoulders.

'Haven't a clue. Maybe it's her way of playing hard to get.'

'Okay,' said Marcus. 'See you later, then.' He snapped shut his phone, and waved at Natalie, who gave him a little wave back-then she carried on down Regents Park Road.

'What was that about?' Lily enquired.

'Oh, well, unfortunately, Natalie's allergic to dogs. And when she saw all the puppies she just knew it would bring her out in b.u.mps.'

'Oh dear,' I said.

'Yes, it can be quite bad actually-so she was just playing it safe. With cats it's even worse. She has a very nasty reaction.'

'But isn't that a bit of a problem?' Phyllis asked. She nodded at Twiglet.

'Oh not...really,' he said, s.h.i.+fting slightly. 'No, no, I wouldn't say that's a problem.'

'I've seen her in the Mews,' I said, as we turned in at the gate. 'Quite often actually. I a.s.sumed she worked there. I didn't realize she was your girlfriend.'

'Well, she has aromatherapy once a week to de-stress her, and she goes to the homeopath for her allergies, and to the chiropractor for her lower back pain. She has a cranial ma.s.sage once a fortnight for her migraines, and she uses Chinese herbal remedies to improve her yin and yang. That's how I knew about you,' he said. 'Because she saw your plaque on the wall when you first opened up.'

'I see.' We'd caught up with the rest of the group. 'Anyway, everyone, we're going to do some sit and stay. So take the puppies off the lead and plonk them down in a row, here, next to Herman. Then, using hand signals, like this-make them wait to the count of five; then fling open your arms, and they'll come. If they do it properly, reward them with lots of praise and a liver treat-I've got the bag here-but don't reward them until they've done it.'

'-Stay, Bentley.'

'-Stay, Lola.'

'-Staaaaay, Sooty.'

'-Maisie, sta-a-a-a-ay!'

'-Stay there, Gwyneth darling, don't move an inch.'

'-STAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!'

'-Not an inch, Gwyneth-do you hear me?'

The puppies all looked stupefied to start with, but then they got the hang of it.

'-Oh darling, well done, that was just so brilliant-you little genius!'

'-Good girl, Roxy!'

'-Good boy, Cosmo!'