The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll Volume XI Part 52

Fifty-first. Can we blame the Hebrews for getting tired of their G.o.d?

Never was a people so murdered, starved, stoned, burned, deceived, humiliated, robbed, and outraged. Never was there so little liberty among men. Never did the meanest king so meddle, eavesdrop, spy out, hara.s.s, torment, and persecute his people. Never was ruler so jealous, unreasonable, contemptible, exacting, and ignorant as this G.o.d of the Jews. Never was such ceremony, such mummery, such stuff about bullocks, goats, doves, red heifers, lambs, and unleavened dough--never was such directions about kidneys and blood, ashes and fat, about curtains, tongs, fringes, ribands, and bra.s.s pins--never such details for killing of animals and men and the sprinkling of blood and the cutting of clothes. Never were such unjust laws, such punishments, such d.a.m.ned ignorance and infamy! Fifty-second. Is it not wonderful that the creator of all worlds, infinite in power and wisdom, could not hold his own against the G.o.ds of wood and stone? Is it not strange that after he had appeared to his chosen people, delivered them from slavery, fed them by miracles, opened the sea for a path, led them by cloud and fire, and overthrown their pursuers, they still preferred a calf of their own making? Is it not beyond belief that this G.o.d, by statutes and commandments, by punishments and penalties, by rewards and promises, by wonders and plagues, by earthquakes and pestilence, could not in the least civilize the Jews--could not get them beyond a point where they deserved killing? What shall we think of a G.o.d who gave his entire time for forty years to the work of converting three millions of people, and succeeded in getting only two men, and not a single woman, decent enough to enter the promised land? Was there ever in the history of man so detestible an administration of public affairs? Is it possible that G.o.d sold his children to the king of Mesopotamia; that he sold them to Jabin, king of Canaan, to the Philistines, and to the children of Ammon?

Is it possible that an angel of the Lord devoured unleavened cakes and broth with fire that came out of the end of a stick as he sat under an oak-tree?1 Can it be true that G.o.d made known his will by making dew fall on wool without wetting the ground around it?2 Do you really believe that men who lap water like a dog make the best soldiers?3 Do you think that a man could hold a lamp in his left hand, a trumpet in his right hand, blow his trumpet, shout "the sword of the Lord and of Gideon," and break pitchers at the same time? 4

Fifty-third. Read the story of Jephthah and his daughter, and then tell me what you think of a father who would sacrifice his daughter to G.o.d, and what you think of a G.o.d who would receive such a sacrifice. This one story should be enough to make every tender and loving father hold this book in utter abhorrence. Is it necessary, in order to be saved, that one must believe that an angel of G.o.d appeared unto Manoah in the absence of her husband; that this angel afterward went up in a flame of fire; that as a result of this visit a child was born whose strength was in his hair? a child that made beehives of lions, incendiaries of foxes, and had a wife that wept seven days to get the answer to his riddle?

Will the wrath of G.o.d abide forever upon a man for doubting the story that Samson killed a thousand men with a new jawbone? Is there enough in the Bible to save a soul with this story left out? Is h.e.l.l hungry for those who deny that water gushed from a "hollow place" in a dry bone? Is it evidence of a new heart to believe that one man turned over a house so large that over three thousand people were on the roof? For my part, I cannot believe these things, and if my salvation depends upon my credulity I am as good as d.a.m.ned already. I cannot believe that the Philistines took back the ark with a present of five gold mice, and that thereupon G.o.d relented.5

1 Judges vi, 21. 2 Judges vi, 37. 3 Judges vii, 5.

4 Judges vii, 20. 5 I Sam. vi. 4.

I can not believe that G.o.d killed fifty thousand men for looking into a box.1 It seems incredible, after all the Jews had done, after all their wars and victories, even when Saul was king, that there was not among them one smith who could make a sword or spear, and that they were compelled to go to the Philistines to sharpen every plowshare, coulter, and mattock.2 Can you believe that G.o.d said to Saul, "Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling"? Can you believe that because Saul took the king alive after killing every other man, woman, and child, the ogre called Jehovah was displeased and made up his mind to hurl Saul from the throne and give his place to another?3 I cannot believe that the Philistines all ran away because one of their number was killed with a stone. I cannot justify the conduct of Abigail, the wife of Nabal, who took presents to David. David hardly did right when he said to this woman, "I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person." It could hardly have been chance that made Nabal so deathly sick next morning and killed him in ten days. All this looks wrong, especially as David married his widow before poor Nabal was fairly cold.4

Fifty-fourth. Notwithstanding all I have heard of Katie King, I cannot believe that a witch at Endor materialized the ghost of Samuel and caused it to appear with a cloak on.5 I cannot believe that G.o.d tempted David to take the census, and then gave him his choice of three punishments: First, Seven years of famine; Second, Flying three months before their enemies; Third, A pestilence of three days; that David chose the pestilence, and that G.o.d destroyed seventy thousand men.6

1 I Sam. vi, 19. 3 I Sam. xv. 5 I Sam. xxviii.

2 I Sam. xiii, 19, 20. 4 I Sam. xxv. 6 2 Sam. xxiv.

Why should G.o.d kill the people for what David did? Is it a sin to be counted? Can anything more brutally h.e.l.lish be conceived? Why should man waste prayers upon such a G.o.d?

Fifty-fifth. Must we admit that Elijah was fed by ravens; that they brought him bread and flesh every morning and evening? Must we believe that this same prophet could create meal and oil, and induce a departed soul to come back and take up its residence once more in the body? That he could get rain by praying for it; that he could cause fire to burn up a sacrifice and altar, together with twelve barrels of water?1 Can we believe that an angel of the Lord turned cook and prepared two suppers in one night for Elijah, and that the prophet ate enough to last him forty days and forty nights?* Is it true that when a captain with fifty men went after Elijah, this prophet caused fire to come down from heaven and consume them all? Should G.o.d allow such wretches to manage his fire?

Is it true that Elijah consumed another captain with fifty men in the same way?3 Is it a fact that a river divided because the water was struck with a cloak? Did a man actually go to heaven in a chariot of fire drawn by horses of fire, or was he carried to Paradise by a whirlwind? Must we believe, in order to be good and tender fathers and mothers, that because some "little children" mocked at an old man with a bald head, G.o.d--the same G.o.d who said, "Suffer little children to come unto me"--sent two she-bears out of the wood and tare forty-two of these babes? Think of the mothers that watched and waited for their children.

Think of the wailing when these mangled ones were found, when they were brought back and pressed to the b.r.e.a.s.t.s of weeping women. What an amiable gentleman Mr. Elisha must have been.4

Fifty-sixth. It is hard to believe that a prophet by lying on a dead body could make it sneeze seven times.5

1 I Kings xviii. 3 2 Kings i. 5 2 Kings iv.

2 I Kings xix. 4 2 Kings ii.

It is hard to believe that being dipped seven times in the Jordan could cure the leprosy.1 Would a merciful G.o.d curse children, and children's children yet unborn, with leprosy for a father's fault?2 Is it possible to make iron float in water?3 Is it reasonable to say that when a corpse touched another corpse it came to life?4 Is it a sign that a man wants to commit a crime because he refuses to believe that a king had a boil and that G.o.d caused the sun to go backward in heaven so that the shadow on a sun-dial went back ten degrees as a sign that the aforesaid would get well?5 Is it true that this globe turned backward, that its motion was reversed as a sign to a Jewish king? If it did not, this story is false, and that part of the Bible is not true even if it is inspired.

Fifty-seventh. How did the Bible get lost?5 Where was the precious Pentateuch from Moses to Josiah? How was it possible for the Jews to get along without the directions as to fat and caul and kidney contained in Leviticus? Without that sacred book in his possession a priest might take up ashes and carry them out without changing his pantaloons. Such mistakes kindled the wrath of G.o.d.

As soon as the Pentateuch was found Josiah began killing wizards and such as had familiar spirits.

Fifty-eighth. I cannot believe that G.o.d talked to Solomon, that he visited him in the night and asked him what he should give him; I cannot believe that he told him, "I will give thee riches and wealth and honor, such as none of the kings have had before thee, neither shall there any after thee have the like."7 If Jehovah said this he was mistaken. It is not true that Solomon had fourteen hundred chariots of war in a country without roads. It is not true that he made gold and silver at Jerusalem as plenteous as stones. There were several kings in his day, and thousands since, that could have thrown away the value of Palestine without missing the amount.

1 2 Kings v. 3 2 Kings, vi. 6. 5 2 Kings xx, 1-11.

2 2 Kings v. 27. 4 2 Kings xiii, 21. 6 2 Kings xxii, 8.

7 2 Chron. i, 7, 12.

The Holy Land was and is a wretched country. There are no monuments, no ruins attesting former wealth and greatness. The Jews had no commerce, knew nothing of other nations, had no luxuries, never produced a painter, a sculptor, architect, scientist, or statesman until after the destruction of Jerusalem. As long as Jehovah attended to their affairs they had nothing but civil war, plague, pestilence, and famine. After he abandoned, and the Christians ceased to persecute them, they became the most prosperous of people. Since Jehovah, in anger and disgust, cast them away they have produced painters, sculptors, scientists, statesmen, composers, and philosophers.

Fifty-ninth. I cannot admit that Hiram, the King of Tyre, wrote a letter to Solomon in which he admitted that the "G.o.d of Israel made heaven and earth." 1 This King was not a Jew. It seems incredible that Solomon had eighty thousand men hewing timber for the temple, with seventy thousand bearers of burdens, and thirty-six hundred overseers.2

Sixtieth. I cannot believe that G.o.d shuts up heaven and prevents rain, or that he sends locusts to devour a land, or pestilence to destroy the people.3 I cannot believe that G.o.d told Solomon that his eyes and heart should perpetually be in the house that Solomon had built.4

Sixty-first. I cannot believe that Solomon pa.s.sed all the kings of the earth in riches; that all the kings of the earth sought his presence and brought presents of silver and gold, raiment, harness, spices, and mules--a rate year by year.5 Is it possible that s.h.i.+shak, a King of Egypt, invaded Palestine with seventy thousand hors.e.m.e.n and twelve hundred chariots of war?6

1 2 Chron. ii, 12. 3 2 Chron. vii, 13. 5 2 Chron. ix, 22-24.

2 2 Chron. ii, 18. 4 2 Chron. vii, 16. 6 2 Chron. xii, 2, 3.

I cannot believe that in a battle between Jeroboam and Abijah, the army of Abijah actually slew in one day five hundred thousand chosen men.1 Does anyone believe that Zerah, the Ethiopian, invaded Palestine with a million men?2 I cannot believe that Jehoshaphat had a standing army of nine hundred and sixty thousand men.3 I cannot believe that G.o.d advertised for a liar to act as his messenger.4 I cannot believe that King Amaziah did right in the sight of the Lord, and that he broke in pieces ten thousand men by casting them from a precipice.5 I cannot think that G.o.d smote a king with leprosy because he tried to burn incense.6 I cannot think that Pekah slew one hundred and twenty thousand men in one day.7

1 2 Chron. xiii, 17. 3 2 Chron. xvii, 14-19. 5 2 Chron. xxv, 12.

2 2 Chron. xiv, 9. 4 2 Chron. xviii, 19-22. 6 2 Chron. xxvi, 19.

7 2 Chron. xxviii, 6.