The Adventures of Hajji Baba of Ispahan Part 43

?Did not I tell you so?? exclaimed he; ?did I not say that you were a man of ingenuity? Acknowledge, then, that I am not without penetration; own, that it requires a sharp discernment to discover at once where abilities lie; and that had it not been for me, we should never have discovered this katib, who is to tell us everything, and thus fulfil the instructions of the Asylum of the Universe.?

He then empowered me, if I found it necessary, to promise him a present, by which means, should there be any deficiency in his information, he might perhaps succeed in obtaining it from the fountain head, namely, the Reis Effendi himself.

I went to the coffee-house at the proper time, and there found my friend. I approached him with great demonstrations of friends.h.i.+p; and calling to the waiting man, ordered some best Yemen coffee, which was served up as we sat one opposite the other. In the course of conversation he pulled out his watch, when I seized the opportunity of introducing my subject.

?That is an European watch,? said I, ?is it not??

?Yes, truly,? said he; ?there are none in the world beside.?

?Wonderful,? answered I,--?those Franks must be an extraordinary people.?

?Yes,? said he, ?but they are kafirs? (infidels).

?In the name of Allah,? taking my pipe from my mouth and putting it into his, ?tell me something respecting them. This Frangistan, is it a large country? Where does its king reside??

?What say you, friend?? answered he; ?a large country, do you ask?

A large country indeed, not governed by one king alone, but by many kings.?

?But I have heard,? said I, ?it is composed of many tribes, all having different names and different chiefs; still begin, in fact, but one nation.?

?You may call them one nation if you choose,? said he, ?and perhaps such is the case, for they all shave their chins, let their hair grow, and wear hats,--they all wear tight clothes,--they all drink wine, eat pork, and do not believe in the blessed Mahomed. But it is plain they are governed by many kings; see the numerous amba.s.sadors who flock here to rub their foreheads against the threshold of our Imperial Gate. So many of these dogs are here that it is necessary to put one?s trust in the mercies of Allah, such is the pollution they create.?

?In the name of the Prophet speak on,? said I, ?and I will write. Praise be to Allah! you are a man of wisdom.? Upon which, whilst I took out my inkstand from my girdle, and composed myself to write, he stroked his beard, and curled the tips of his moustachios, recollecting within himself which were the princ.i.p.al nations of Europe.

He prefaced his information by saying, ?But why trouble yourself? They all are dogs alike,--all sprung from one dunghill; and if there be truth in Heaven, and we believe our blessed Koran, all will burn hereafter in one common furnace. But stop,? said he, counting his fingers: ?in the first place, there is the _Nemse Giaour_, the Austrian infidel, our neighbours; a quiet, smoking race, who send us cloth, steel, and gla.s.sware; and are governed by a Shah springing from the most ancient race of unbelievers: he sends us a representative to be fed and clothed.

?Then come those heretics of Muscovites, a most unclean and accursed generation. Their country is so large, that one extremity is said to be buried in eternal snows, whilst its other is raging with heat. They are truly our enemy; and when we kill them, we cry _Mashallah_, praise be to G.o.d! Men and women govern there by turns; but they resemble us inasmuch as they put their sovereigns to death almost as frequently as we do.

?Again, there is a Prussian infidel, who sends us an amba.s.sador, Allah only knows why; for we are in no need of such vermin: but, you well know, that the Imperial Gate is open to the dog as well as the true believer; for the rain of Providence descends equally upon both.

?Who shall I say next, in the name of the Prophet? Let us see: there are two northern unbelievers, living at the extremity of all things,--the Danes and Swedes. They are small tribes, scarcely to be accounted among men, although it is said the Shah of Denmark is the most despotic of the kings of Franks, not having even janissaries to dispute his will; whilst the Swedes are famous for a madman, who once waged a desperate war in Europe; caring little in what country he fought, provided only that he did fight; and who, in one of his acts of desperation, made his way into our borders, where, like a wild beast, he was at length brought to bay, and taken prisoner. Owing to this circ.u.mstance we were introduced to the knowledge of his nation; or otherwise, by the blessing of Allah, we should never have known that it even existed.

?I will mention one more, called Flemengs, infidels, dun, heavy, and boorish; who are amongst the Franks what the Armenians are amongst us,--having no ideas beyond those of thrift, and no ambition beyond that of riches. They used to send us a sleepy amba.s.sador to negotiate the introduction of their cheeses, b.u.t.ter, and salt-fish; but their government has been destroyed since the appearance of a certain Boonapoort, who (let them and the patron of all unbelief have their due) is in truth a man; one whom we need not be ashamed to cla.s.s with the Persian Nadir, and with our own Suleiman.?

Here I stopped the Katib in his narrative, and catching at the name, I exclaimed, ?Boonapoort, Boonapoort,--that is the word I wanted! Say something concerning him. I have heard he is a rare and daring infidel.?

?What can I say,? said my companion, ?except that he once was a man of nothing, a mere soldier; and now he is the sultan of an immense nation, and gives the law to all the Franks? He did his best endeavours to molest us also, by taking Egypt, and sent innumerable armies to conquer it; but he had omitted to try the edge of a true believer?s sword ere he set out, and was obliged to retreat, after having frightened a few Mamalukes, and driven the Bedouins into their deserts.?

?But is there not a certain tribe of infidels called Ingliz?? said I, ?the most unaccountable people on earth, who live in an island, and make pen-knives??

?Yes, truly,? said the Katib, ?they, amongst the Franks, are those who for centuries have most rubbed their heads against the imperial threshold, and who have found most favour in the sight of our great and magnanimous sultan. They are powerful in s.h.i.+ps; and in watches and broadcloth unrivalled.?

?But what have you heard of their government?? said I: ?is it not composed of something besides a king??

?Yes,? returned he, ?you have been rightly informed; but how can you and I understand the humours of such madmen? They have a Shah, ?tis true; but it is a farce to call him by that t.i.tle. They feed, clothe, and lodge him; give him a yearly income, surround him by all the state and form of a throne; and mock him with as fine words and with as high-sounding t.i.tles as we give our sovereigns; but a common aga of the Janissaries has more power than he; he does not dare even to give the bastinado to one of his own viziers, be his fault what it may; whereas the aga, if expedient, would crop the ears of half the city, and still receive nothing but reward and encouragement.

?Then they have certain houses full of madmen, who meet half the year round for the purposes of quarrelling. If one set says white, the other cries black; and they throw more words away in settling a common question than would suffice one of our muftis during a whole reign.

In short, nothing can be settled in the state, be it only whether a rebellious aga is to have his head cut off and his property confiscated, or some such trifle, until these people have wrangled. Then what are we to believe? Allah, the Almighty and All wise, to some nations giveth wisdom, and to others folly! Let us bless Him and our Prophet, that we are not born to eat the miseries of the poor English infidels, but can smoke our pipes in quiet on the sh.o.r.es of our own peaceful Bosphorus!?

?Strange, strange things you tell me,? said I, ?and had I not heard them, I could not believe something more, which is, that all India belongs to them, and that it is governed by old women. Do you know that fact??

?I shall not be surprised to hear of anything they do,? answered he, ?so mad are they generally reported to be; but that India is governed by infidel old women, that has never yet reached our ears. Perhaps it is so. G.o.d knows,? continued he, musing, ?for mad people do wonderful things.?

After a pause, ?Now,? said I, ?have I learnt all, or are there more unbelievers? By your beard, tell me; for who would have thought that the world was so composed??

He reflected for some time, and said, ?O yes, I forgot to mention two or three nations; but, in truth, they are not worthy of notice. There are Spanish, Portuguese, and Italian infidels, who eat their swine, and wors.h.i.+p their image after their own manner; but who, in fact, are nothing even amongst the Franks. The first is known to us by their _patakas_ (dollars); the second sends us some Jews; and the third imports different sorts of dervishes, who pay considerable sums into the imperial treasury for building churches, and for the privilege of ringing bells. I must also mention the _papa_ (pope), the Caliph of the Franks, who lives in Italia, and does not cease his endeavours to make converts to his faith; but we are more than even with him, for we convert infidels in greater proportion than they, notwithstanding all the previous pain which man must suffer before he is accepted for a true believer.

?One more question I must ask,? said I, ?and then I am satisfied. Can you tell me anything positive about Yengi duniah, the New World; for I have heard so many contradictory reports that my brain is bewildered?

How do they get at it, underground, or how??

?We have not had many dealings with it,? said the Katib, ?and, therefore, know not much of the matter; but this is true, that one can get there by s.h.i.+p, because s.h.i.+ps belonging to the New World have actually been seen here. They are all infidels, my friend,? exclaimed he, with a sigh; ?all infidels, as much as those of the old world, and, by the blessing of Allah, they will all grill in the same furnace.?

Finding that upon this subject the Katib was deficient, I ceased questioning; and our conversation having now lasted a long time, I released him from further importunity, by calling for more coffee and replenis.h.i.+ng our pipes. We then separated, with mutual promises of meeting again.

CHAPTER LXXVI

Hajji Baba writes the history of Europe and with his amba.s.sador returns to Persia.

I returned to my amba.s.sador full of the information I had acquired, and all-joyous at the success which had attended my first essay in diplomatic life. He was delighted at the memoir I had drawn up from the materials furnished me by the Katib, and as long as we remained at Constantinople daily sent me in search of further particulars, until we both thought ourselves sufficiently in force to be able to draw up a general History of Europe, which the Centre of the Universe in his instructions to the amba.s.sador had ordered him to present on his return.

Most a.s.siduously did I apply myself in composing this precious morsel of history. I made a rough draft, which was submitted to the correction of my chief, and when he had seasoned its contents to the palate of the King of Kings, softening down those parts which might appear improbable, and adding to those not sufficiently strong, he delivered it over to a clerk, who in a fair hand transcribed the whole, until a very handsome volume was produced. It was duly bound, ornamented, and inserted in a silk and muslin bag, and then the amba.s.sador conceived it might be fit to be placed in the hands of the Shah.

Mirza Firouz having now, as he conceived, accomplished the objects of his mission, prepared to return, and announced his intention not only of taking me with him, but also of continuing me in the employ of the government as soon as we should reach Tehran; ?for,? said he, ?a person so well acquainted with the interests of the Franks will be of great use in treating with the infidel amba.s.sadors now in Persia.?

He could not have devised a plan better suited to my wishes; for after my cruel treatment by the Turks, I hated everything relating to them. Their city was become odious to me, and whenever I thought upon Shekerleb my heart swelled with rage. Much time had now elapsed since my affair with the chief priest of Tehran. The mollah Nadan, so I had heard, had long ago been blown from the mouth of a mortar, and the widow, whom I left in the hands of the Curds, had never returned to Persia. Therefore, I concluded I might show myself in all safety, for I argued thus: should I even be recognized, still who would venture to molest me, powerfully protected as I should be by men in office? The chief executioner had recovered possession of his horse and furniture, when the unfortunate Nadan had been seized; and there was every reason to suppose that Abdul Kerim had shared the fate of his mistress, the chief priest?s widow, for he had no more been heard of; so I did not fear that he would call upon me to refund the hundred tomauns. What had I then to apprehend on returning to Tehran? Nothing that I could foresee; and if once it were known that I was a servant of the Shah, even being a thousand times more criminal than I was in fact, I might put my cap on one side and walk all over the empire with impunity.

Fortified by these reflections, I made my preparations with alacrity to accompany the amba.s.sador. But previous to our departure, I determined upon visiting my countrymen in the caravanserai, where with a better chance of success I now might give myself those airs of importance which had succeeded so ill at my last exhibition. Having taken some trouble to make it well understood that I was attached to the emba.s.sy, I no longer dreaded their contempt; and such is the respect that one invested with that character is sure to inspire, that on this occasion I had no reason to complain of any want of attention. Every word addressed to me was now prefaced with, By your favour, By your condescension, May your kindness never be less; and compliments which never ended, interlarded all the fine discourses I heard. To hear them, n.o.body could have ever supposed that I was the same person whom not two months before they had laughed to scorn: on the contrary, one ignorant of the circ.u.mstance would have set me down for a personage upon whom the issues of life and death depended. But when I took my leave of the old Osman, I found him unchanged, and every word he spoke showed that his affection for the son of the barber of Ispahan was the feeling which ever actuated his conduct towards me. ?Go, my son,? said he, as he parted from me, ?whether you be a prisoner with the Turcomans, or a priest, or a seller of pipe-sticks, or a Turkish aga, or a Persian mirza; be you what you may. I shall always put up my prayers for your prosperity, and may Allah attend your steps wherever you go.?

Having made his visits of ceremony, and taken his leave of the Turkish authorities, the amba.s.sador left Scutari, accompanied by a large company of his own countrymen, who conducted him about one parasang on the road to Persia, and then received their dismissal. Our journey was propitious, and nothing took place in it worthy of notice from the day of our departure until our arrival in Persia. At Erivan we heard the news of the day, though but imperfectly; but at Tabriz, the seat of Abbas Mirza?s government, we were initiated into the various questions which then agitated the country and the court. The princ.i.p.al one was the rivalry between the French and English amba.s.sadors; the object of the former, who had already been received by the Shah, being to keep away the latter, who had not yet reached the foot of the throne.

Various were the anecdotes related of the exertions made by them to attain their ends, and the whole of Persia was thrown into astonishment upon seeing infidels come so far from their own countries, at so much trouble and expense, to quarrel in the face of a whole nation of true believers, who were sure to despise, to deride, and to take them in.

The Frenchman, by way of enforcing his demands, constantly brought forward the power of his own sovereign, his greatness and preponderance over all the states of Europe, and did not cease to extol the immense numbers of troops he could bring into the field.

To this he was answered, ?That may be very true; but what is that to us? Whole empires intervene, and, therefore, what affinity can there be between France and Persia?

?But,? said the Frenchman, ?we want to conquer India from the English, and we wish to have an open road through your territories.?

?What is that to us?? again said the Shah: ?you may want India, but we are in no way anxious to entertain your troops.?

?But we will conquer Georgia for you, put you in possession of Teflis, and secure you from further molestation from the Russians.?

?That is another case,? said the Shah; ?when once we see the effects of your interference, and hear that there are no more Russians on this side the Caucasus, we will treat with you: until then we can allow no pa.s.sage through our territories, nor break with our old friends the Englis.h.!.+?

On the other hand, the English said, ?The French can have no other object in coming to Persia than to molest us; we require that you send them away.?