Boundaries Face To Face Part 21

Remind yourself of what G.o.d has done and who he is. If you have been a Christian for a long time, look back into your life and remember how he has intervened, the situations from which he has delivered you, the ways that he has come through for you. Listen to others. Remember the grace he has shown us in his Son. He did not do that for nothing; he did it for our redemption and future.

If he has let you down or it seems that he has never done anything for you, allow him to start now. Many times G.o.d allowed terrible things for a long time before delivering his people. We do not know G.o.d's timing, but if you have started in recovery now, he is moving in your life. The time of your deliverance is near. Hang on and let G.o.d do for you what he has done for so many. "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of G.o.d, you will receive what he has promised" (Heb. 10:35a36).

Unforgiveness "To err is human, to forgive is divine." And to not forgive is the most stupid thing we can do.

Forgiveness is very hard. It means letting go of something that someone "owes" you. Forgiveness is freedom from the past; it is freedom from the abusive person who hurt you.

The Bible compares forgiving people to releasing them from a legal debt. When a debt is incurred, when people trespa.s.s on your personal property, real "owing" occurs. You have on the "books" of your soul an accounting of who owes you what. Your mother controlled you and owes you to make it right. Your father dominated you and owes you to make it right. If you are "under the law," you are motivated to collect these debts from them.

Attempts at collection may take many forms. You may try to please them to help them pay you back. You think that if you do a little something more, they will pay their bill and give you the love they owe. Or you may think that if you confront them enough, they will see their wrong and make it right. Or you may feel that if you convince enough people of how bad you've had it and how bad your parents were, that will somehow clear the account. Or you could "take it out" on someone else, repeating the sin they did to you on someone else-or on them-to even the score. Or you could continue to try and convince them of how bad they are. You think that if they just understood, they would make it better. They would pay what they owe.

Nothing is wrong with wanting things to be resolved. The problem is that things will get resolved in only one way: with grace and forgiveness. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth does not work. The wrong can never be undone. But it can be forgiven and thereby rendered powerless.

To forgive means to write it off. Let it go. Tear up the account. It is to render the account "canceled." "Having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross" (Col. 2:14).

To forgive means we will never get from that person what was owed us. And that is what we do not like, because that involves grieving for what will never be: The past will not be different.

For some, this means grieving the childhood that never was. For others it means other things, but to hang on to the demand is to stay in unforgiveness, and that is the most destructive thing we can do to ourselves.

Warning: Forgiveness and opening up to more abuse are not the same thing. Forgiveness has to do with the past. Reconciliation and boundaries have to do with the future. Limits guard my property until someone has repented and can be trusted to visit again. And if they sin, I will forgive again, seventy times seven. But I want to be around people who honestly fail me, not dishonestly deny that they have hurt me and have no intent to do better. That is destructive for me and for them. If people are owning their sin, they are learning through failure. We can ride that out. They want to be better, and forgiveness will help. But if someone is in denial, or only giving lip service to getting better, without trying to make changes, or seeking help, I need to keep my boundaries, even though I have forgiven them.

Forgiveness gives me boundaries because it unhooks me from the hurtful person, and then I can act responsibly, wisely. If I am not forgiving them, I am still in a destructive relations.h.i.+p with them.

Gain grace from G.o.d, and let others' debts go. Do not keep seeking a bad account. Let it go, and go and get what you need from G.o.d and people who can give. That is a better life. Unforgiveness destroys boundaries. Forgiveness creates them, for it gets bad debt off of your property.

Remember one last thing. Forgiveness is not denial. You must name the sin against you to forgive it. G.o.d did not deny what we did to him. He worked through it. He named it. He expressed his feelings about it. He cried and was angry. And then he let it go. And he did this in the context of relations.h.i.+p. Within the Trinity, he was never alone. Go and do the same. And watch out for the resistance that will want you to stay in the past, trying to collect what will never be.

External Focus People tend to look outside of themselves for the problem. This external perspective keeps you a victim. It says that you can never be okay until someone else changes. This is the essence of powerless blame. It may make you morally superior to that person (in your own thinking, never in reality), but it will never fix the problem.

Face squarely the resistance to looking at yourself as the one who has to change. It is crucial that you face yourself, for that is the beginning of boundaries. Responsibility begins with an internal focus of confession and repentance. You must confess the truth about the ways you are keeping your boundarylessness going, and you must turn from those ways. You must look at yourself and face the internal resistance of wanting the problem to be on the outside of you.

Guilt Guilt is a difficult emotion, for it is really not a true feeling, such as sadness, anger, or fear. It is a state of internal condemnation. It is the punitive nature of our fallen conscience saying, "You are bad." It is the state Jesus died for, to put us into a state of "no condemnation." Biblically, it is something legal, not emotional.

Scripture teaches that we are to be out from under condemnation and that guilt should not be a motivator of our behavior. We are to be motivated by love, and the resulting emotion that comes out of love when we fail is "G.o.dly sorrow" (2 Cor. 7:10). This is contrasted with "worldly sorrow," which is guilt, and "brings death."

This guilt comes mainly from how we have been taught in our early socialization process. Therefore, our guilt feelings are not inerrant. They can appear when we have not done anything wrong at all, but have violated some internal standard that we have been taught. We have to be careful about listening to guilt feelings to tell us when we are wrong, for often, the guilt feelings themselves are wrong. In addition, guilt feelings are not good motivators anyway. It is hard to love from a condemned place. We need to feel not condemned, so that we can feel "G.o.dly sorrow" that looks at the hurt we have caused someone else, instead of how "bad" we are. Guilt distorts reality, gets us away from the truth, and away from doing what is best for the other person.

This is particularly true when it comes to boundaries. We have seen over and over in this book how the Bible tells us to have good boundaries, to enforce consequences, to set limits, to grow up and separate from families of origin, and to say no. When we do these things, we are doing right. These boundaries are loving actions to take. Even though they are painful, they are helpful to others.

But our fallen consciences can tell us that we are bad or doing something mean when we set boundaries. The people with whom we are setting boundaries will often say things to reinforce our guilty consciences. If you have been raised in a family that said implicitly or explicitly that your boundaries are bad, you know what I am talking about. When you say no to a request, you feel guilty. When you do not allow someone to take advantage of you, you feel guilty. When you separate from the family to create a life of your own, you feel guilty. If you do not rescue someone who is irresponsible, you feel guilty. The list goes on.

Guilt will keep you from doing what is right and will keep you stuck. Many people do not have good boundaries because they are afraid of disobeying the internal parent inside their heads. There are several steps you can take to avoid this guilt, but you must begin with one realization: the guilt is your problem. Many people without boundaries complain about how "so and so makes me feel guilty when I say no," as if the other person had some sort of power over them. This fantasy comes from childhood, when your parents seemed so powerful.

No one has the power to "make you feel guilty." A part of you agrees with the message because it taps into strong parental messages in your emotional brain. And that is your problem; it is on your property, and you must gain control over it. See that being manipulated is your problem, and you will be able to master it.

1. Own the guilt.

2. Get into your support system.

3. Begin to examine where the guilt messages come from.

4. Become aware of your anger.

5. Forgive the controller.

6. Set boundaries in practice situations with your supportive friends, then gradually set them in more difficult situations. This will help you to gain strength as well as gain the supportive "voices" you need to rework your conscience.

7. Learn new information for your conscience. This is where reading books like this and reading what G.o.d says about your boundaries will give you new information that will become the new guiding structures in your head instead of the old voices. Learning G.o.d's ways can restore your soul and make your heart rejoice instead of feeling that controlling, parental guilt.

8. Acquire guilt. That may sound funny, but you are going to have to disobey your parental conscience to get well. You are going to have to do some things that are right but make you feel guilty. Do not let the guilt be your master any longer. Set the boundaries, and then get with your new supporters to let them help you with the guilt.

9. Stay in your support group. Guilt is not resolved by just retraining your mind. You need the new connections to internalize new voices in your head.

10. Do not be surprised by grief. This will be sad, but let others love you in that process. Mourners can be comforted.

Abandonment Fears: Taking a Stand in a Vacuum Remember from the developmental section in Chapter 4 that boundaries come after bonding. G.o.d designed the learning process this way. Babies must be secure before they learn boundaries so that learning separateness will not be frightening, but new and exciting. Children who have good connections naturally begin to set boundaries and move away from others. They have enough love inside to risk setting boundaries and gaining independence.

But if one does not have secure bonding, setting boundaries is too frightening. Many people stay in destructive relations.h.i.+ps because they fear abandonment. They fear that if they stand up for themselves, they will be all alone in the world. They would rather have no boundaries and some connection than have boundaries and be all alone.

Boundaries are not built in a vacuum. They must be undergirded by strong bonding to safe people, or they will fail. If you have a good support group to go to after setting boundaries with someone you love, you will not be alone.

Being "rooted and grounded" in love in the body of Christ and with G.o.d will be the developmental fuel you need to risk boundary setting. People often vacillate between compliance and isolation. Neither is healthy or sustainable for very long.

Over and over in our hospital program we have seen people in destructive patterns unable to set limits because they were working in a vacuum. They repeatedly say that the understanding support they received in the program fueled them to do the hard things they had never been able to do.

If It Were Easy, You Would Have Done It By Now This chapter is about trouble, the kind Jesus warned about. "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). When you begin to do things Jesus' way, you will encounter troubles-from both outside and inside. The world, the Devil, and even your own flesh will resist you and pressure you to do it the wrong way.

But the wrong way is not working. To do it right will be difficult, but he warned us about that. "Narrow [is] the road that leads to life" (Matt. 7:14). To hammer out a G.o.dly ident.i.ty takes a lot of courage and a lot of work. And a lot of battles.

Running into resistance is a good sign that you are doing what you need to do. It will be worth it. Remember the clear message of the Scriptures: when you encounter resistances, persevering to the end will bring great reward, "receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls" (1 Peter 1:9). As James puts it, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2a4).

These resistances will surely come. I promise you. If they didn't come, you would have established boundaries a long time ago. But as they come, see them in their biblical perspective. They are part of a long history of your sisters and brothers-people who have encountered many trials as they ventured out on the road of faith, seeking a better land. This journey is always riddled with trouble, but also with the promises of our Shepherd to carry us through if we do our part. Go for it.

15.

How to Measure Success with Boundaries

Jean sat at her kitchen table, teacup in hand, amazed. It was an unfamiliar sensation, but a pleasant one. Her mind wandered back to the events of the morning.

Her eight-year-old son Bryan had begun the day with his usual waking-up shenanigans. He sulked and pouted his way to the breakfast table, announcing, "I'm not going to school-and no one's going to make me!"

Normally Jean would have either tried to talk Bryan into attending school, or blown up at him in frustration. However, this morning was different. Jean simply said, "You're right, Honey. No one can make you go to school. That has to be something you choose to do. However, if you don't choose to go to school, you are choosing to stay in your room all day with no TV. But that's something you'll have to decide for yourself, like you did last week."

Bryan hesitated in his tantrum. He was thinking about when Mom had made him stay in his room and miss dinner when he had refused to set the table. Finally, he said, "Well, I'll go-but I don't have to like it!"

"Absolutely," Jean agreed. "You don't have to like a lot of things like school. But I'm sure you've made the right choice." She helped Bryan on with his jacket and watched him walk to the carpool ride outside.

Not ten minutes later, Jean had received a call from her husband, Jerry, who had driven to work early. "Honey," he said. "I just found out I have a meeting after work. The last time I showed up late for dinner, there wasn't any. Think you could save some this time?"

Jean laughed. "Last time, you never called me to let me know. I really appreciate your telling me in advance. I'll feed the kids, and you and I'll eat together later."

My son makes it to school, even with a cranky att.i.tude. My husband calls me to inform me about schedule changes. I'm dreaming, aren't I, Lord?

Jean wasn't dreaming. She was, for the first time in her life, experiencing the rewards of setting and maintaining clear boundaries in her life. A great deal of hard work and risk-taking had gone into them. But it was worth it. She rose up from the table and began to ready herself for work.

Jean saw visible, demonstrable proof that her boundary work was bearing fruit in her life. Things were different. But how did she get from Point A (boundarylessness) to Point B (mature boundaries)? Can we measure our boundary development?

Yes. Specific, orderly changes herald the emerging of mature boundaries. It's helpful to be aware of them. The following eleven steps allow you to measure your growth-to see where you are in your development. Use this chapter as a guide to the next step in your growth.

Step #1: Resentment-Our Early-Warning Signal

Randy had never before felt irritated at his best friend Will's sarcastic digs. Resentment was a new sensation for him. Being the b.u.t.t of the jokes had always been easy for him. "Good-natured Randy" could roll with the punches.

But when Will came up to him at church and said in front of several observers, "Are you buying smaller clothes-or putting on weight?" Randy didn't laugh it off. He said nothing to his friend, but the remark stuck inside him. He was embarra.s.sed and hurt. He couldn't shake it off as he had for so many years.

This never got to me before, Randy thought to himself. Why is it getting to me this time? Maybe I'm getting too sensitive.

One of the first signs that you're beginning to develop boundaries is a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and not-so-subtle violations in your life. Just as radar signals the approach of a foreign missile, your anger can alert you to boundary violations in your life.

Randy had come from a family who largely avoided conflict and disagreement. Arguments were replaced by compliance. When Randy was in his thirties, he sought therapy for a long-standing eating disorder. To his surprise, instead of discussing diet and exercise plans, the therapist had asked him about how he reacted to controlling people in his life.

At first, Randy couldn't think of a controlling person. But after some consideration, he thought of Will. Will teasing Randy. Will humiliating Randy in front of friends. Will taking Randy for granted. Will taking advantage of Randy.

Those memories were not simply intellectual pictures in Randy's mind. They carried hurt, anger, and resentment. They were the seeds of boundaries in Randy's life.

People who can't get angry when they are being violated, manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap. No "warning light" alerts them to boundary problems. This light, when functioning properly, should turn on quickly when you are being attacked. The Bible describes anger in terms of heat: "Then the LORD's anger burned against Moses" (Exod. 4:14); "Therefore the LORD's anger burned against this land" (Deut. 29:27). Anger is like a fire that shoots up within your heart, letting you know there's a problem to confront.

Our inability to get angry is generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling the truth. We fear that saying the truth about our unhappiness with someone will damage the relations.h.i.+p. But when we acknowledge that truth is always our friend, we often give ourselves permission to be angry.

So before you say anything confrontive, even before you set that first boundary, examine your heart. Ask yourself, "Do I have permission to feel angry when I'm controlled by others? Am I aware when I'm being violated? Can I hear my early-warning signal?" If so, you're on the right track. If not, this is a good time to work on finding a safe place to tell the truth. As you are better able to be honest about differences and disagreements, you will be better able to allow your anger to help you.

Step #2: A Change of Tastes-Becoming Drawn to Boundary-Lovers

It had been a full twelve months since Tammy and Scott had changed churches. They were reflecting back on the last year.

They had attended their former church since their marriage several years ago. It was a doctrinally correct and active fellows.h.i.+p. But one problem that didn't go away was the church members' att.i.tude toward attendance at church functions. They placed a great premium on being present at each and every gathering, from choir specials to night-time services to weekly Bible studies.

When Scott and Tammy had to miss meetings, conflicts arose. They recalled the night old friends from out-of-town came to visit them. Tammy had called Janice, her Bible study leader, to tell her they'd be missing that evening's meeting.

"I think there's a problem in commitment here, Tammy," Janice had replied. "If we really meant something to you, you'd be here. But you just go and do what you have to do."

Tammy was furious-and hurt. Janice had shamed her for wanting to have a night off with her friends. It was this inability of her group to understand the word no that subsequently fueled the couple's move to another church.

Now, a year later, she and Scott were pleased with their decision. Though their present fellows.h.i.+p was also conservative and active, stressing lots of involvement, they didn't become critical or judgmental when members needed time off for some reason or another.

"How's this for a contrast?" Scott said to Tammy. "I called Mark, our men's prayer breakfast leader yesterday-I'd just flown in on a red-eye flight from L.A. I told him I'd be shot if I went to the breakfast. What do you think he told me? 'What are you doing on the phone with me?' he said. 'Get yourself in bed and catch some Z's!' That sort of understanding makes me want to be there next time."

At one time both Scott and Tammy thought their first church's att.i.tude was correct. They weren't even aware that others could understand their no. Now, a year later, they couldn't conceive of returning to that situation.

People with immature limit-setting abilities often find themselves involved with "boundary-busters." These may be family members, colleagues, spouses, church members, or friends. The boundary confusion seems normal to them-so they aren't very aware of the destruction it causes for themselves and others.

As boundary-injured individuals begin developing their own boundaries, however, a change occurs. They become attracted to people who can hear their no without being critical. Without getting hurt. Without personalizing it. Without running over their boundaries in a manipulative or controlling fas.h.i.+on. People who will simply say, "Okay-we'll miss you. See you next time."

The reason for this s.h.i.+ft is hidden in the way we have been constructed by G.o.d. We were created free for one basic purpose: to love, to be meaningfully close to G.o.d and to others: "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" (Col. 3:14). This fundamental truth underscores the deepest parts of our hearts. And when we find relations.h.i.+ps in which we have freedom to set limits, something wonderful happens. In addition to the freedom to say no, we find the freedom to say a wholehearted, unconflicted, grat.i.tude-driven yes to others. We become attracted to boundary lovers, because in them, we find permission to be honest, authentic, loving individuals.

To a boundary-injured person, people who can say a clear no sometimes seem curt and cold. But as the boundaries become more firm, curt and cold people change into caring, refres.h.i.+ngly honest people.

We need to join with boundary lovers in deep, meaningful attachments. Boundaries can't develop in a vacuum. As we make connections involving asking for support and understanding with these people, G.o.d gives us, through them, the grace and power to do the hard work of limit setting. This drawing to boundaried individuals extends to G.o.d. Some people will begin finding out that the holy, just G.o.d about whom they read in the Old Testament isn't so bad or scary. He just has very clear boundaries: "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isa. 55:9).

Step #3: Joining the Family

As we find our tastes changing, from boundary-muddied relations.h.i.+ps to more clearly defined people, we begin developing close and meaningful connections with people who have clear boundaries. We begin either growing in boundaries in our present relations.h.i.+ps, or finding new attachments in which to invest, or both. This is a crucial phase in boundary development.