Boundaries Face To Face Part 19

Jesus was perfected through his suffering (Heb. 5:7a10). In the Garden of Gethsemane, he asked that his cup of suffering pa.s.s from him, but G.o.d said no. Jesus accepted G.o.d's wishes, submitted to them, and through that "became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him" (Heb. 5:9). If Jesus had not respected G.o.d's boundaries and G.o.d's no, we would all be lost.

In the same way that we want others to respect our no, G.o.d wants us to respect his. He does not want us to make him the bad guy when he makes a choice. We do not like others trying to manipulate or control us with guilt, and neither does he.

"I Respectfully Disagree"

Then again, G.o.d does not want us to be pa.s.sive in our relations.h.i.+p with him either. Sometimes, through dialogue, he changes his mind. We can influence him because ours is a real relations.h.i.+p of the kind Abraham had with G.o.d (Gen. 18:16a33). G.o.d said that he would destroy Sodom, yet Abraham talked him out of it if he could find ten righteous people.

When we make our feelings and wishes known, G.o.d responds. We do not often think of G.o.d this way, but the Bible is clear. It is as though G.o.d says, "If it really means that much to you, it's okay with me." One of the most astounding teachings of the Bible is that we can influence G.o.d. It wouldn't be a real relations.h.i.+p if we couldn't. " 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD" (Isa. 1:18). Like a real friend, or a real father, he says, "Let me hear your side of things and I will consider them. They matter to me. Maybe you can convince me to change my mind."

Consider Jesus' parables about prayer. In one story a judge who "neither feared G.o.d nor cared about men," for some time refused to grant a widow her request for justice. But because the widow kept bothering him, he changed his mind and granted her wish (Luke 18:1a8). Jesus told them this parable so "that they should always pray and not give up" (v. 1). In another story, a neighbor who persistently asks for bread is granted the request because of his continuing boldness (Luke 11:5a9). Other people Jesus decided to heal after they persisted in asking for healing.

G.o.d wants us to respect his boundaries; he doesn't want us to withdraw our love when he says no. But he has nothing at all against our trying to persuade him to change his mind. In fact, he asks for us to be tenacious. Often he says, "Wait," seeing how much we really want something. Other times, it seems he changes his mind as a result of our relations.h.i.+p with him. Either way, we respect his wishes and stay in relations.h.i.+p.

Respecting His Own

In addition to our respecting G.o.d's boundaries and his respecting ours, he is a good model for how we should respect our own property.

G.o.d is the ultimate responsibility taker. If someone else causes him pain, he takes responsibility for it. If we continue to abuse him, he is not m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic; he will take care of himself. And for our own sakes, we do not want to suffer the consequences of his boundaries.

The parable of the wedding banquet shows us G.o.d taking responsibility (Matt. 22:1a14). A king who was planning a banquet invited many people to come. When they said no, he pleaded with them. They continued to say no and went about their own business. Finally, the king had had enough. Taking responsibility for the situation, he said to his servants, "The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find" (vv. 8a9).

Whenever G.o.d decides that "enough is enough," and he has suffered long enough, he respects his own property, his heart, enough to do something to make it better. He takes responsibility for the pain and makes moves to make his life different. He lets go of the rejecting people and reaches out to some new friends.

G.o.d is a good model. When we are hurting, we need to take responsibility for the hurt and make some appropriate moves to make things better. This may mean letting go of someone and finding new friends. It may mean forgiving someone and letting them off the hook so we can feel better.

A Real Relations.h.i.+p

We started this chapter talking about relations.h.i.+p. Relations.h.i.+p is what the gospel is about. It is a gospel of "reconciliation" (Rom. 5:11; Col. 1:19a20). This gospel brings hostile parties together (Col. 1:21) and heals relations.h.i.+ps between G.o.d and humanity, and between people.

The gospel brings things back to their created order, the truth and order of G.o.d. In terms of relations.h.i.+ps, we think that G.o.d's order of relations.h.i.+p is himself and the way he works. And that is why we think boundaries are so important, because he has them and we are to be redeemed into his image.

Boundaries are inherent in any relations.h.i.+p G.o.d has created, for they define the two parties who are loving each other. In this sense, boundaries between us and G.o.d are very important. They are not to do away with the fundamental oneness or unity that we have with him (John 17:20a23), but they are to define the two parties in unity. There is no unity without distinct ident.i.ties, and boundaries define the distinct ident.i.ties involved.

We need to know these boundaries between us and him. Boundaries help us to be the best we can be-in G.o.d's image. They let us see G.o.d as he really is. They enable us to negotiate life, fulfilling our responsibilities and requirements. If we are trying to do his work for him, we will fail. If we are wis.h.i.+ng for him to do our work for us, he will refuse. But if we do our work, and G.o.d does his, we will find strength in a real relations.h.i.+p with our Creator.

PART THREE.

DEVELOPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

14.

Resistance to Boundaries

We have talked about the necessity of boundaries and their wonderful value in our lives. In fact, we have all but said that life without boundaries is no life at all. But establis.h.i.+ng and maintaining boundaries takes a lot of work, discipline, and, most of all, desire.

The driving force behind boundaries has to be desire. We usually know what is the right thing to do in life, but we are rarely motivated to do it unless there's a good reason. That we should be obedient to G.o.d, who tells us to set and maintain boundaries, is certainly the best reason. But sometimes we need a more compelling reason than obedience. We need to see that what is right is also good for us. And we usually only see these good reasons when we're in pain. Our pain motivates us to act.

Even with the desire for a better life, we can be reluctant to do the work of boundaries for another reason: it will be a war. There will be skirmishes and battles. There will be disputes. There will be losses.

The idea of spiritual warfare is not new. For thousands of years, G.o.d has given people the choice of living lives of ruin, or possessing what he has secured for them. And it has always involved battles. When he led the Israelites out of Egypt toward the promised land, they had to fight many battles and learn numerous lessons before they could possess the land.

We have to fight for our healing as well. G.o.d has secured our salvation and our sanctification. In position and principle he has healed us. But we have to work out his image in us.

Part of this process of healing is regaining our boundaries. As we become like him, he is redeeming our boundaries and our limits. He has defined who we are and what our limits are so that he can bless us: "LORD, you have a.s.signed me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance" (Ps. 16:5a6).

But we are the ones who have to do battle. The battles fall into two categories: outside resistance and inside resistance-the resistance we get from others and the resistance we get from ourselves.

Outside Resistance

Julie had had a difficult time with boundaries most of her life. As a child, she had a domineering father and a mother who controlled her with guilt. She had been afraid to set boundaries with some people because of their anger and with others because of the guilt she would feel for "hurting them." When she wanted to make a decision for herself, she would listen to other people's anger or pouting and let their reactions affect her decision.

Coming out of this family, she married a very self-centered man who controlled her with his anger. Throughout her adult life, she alternated between being controlled by her husband's anger and by her mother's guilt trips. She was unable to set limits on anyone. After many years, depression caught up with her, and she ended up in one of our hospitals.

After a number of weeks of therapy, she was beginning to understand that she was miserable because she lacked boundaries. She finally decided to take a risk and set some limits with her husband.

One day in a joint session with her therapist and her husband, she confronted him. She returned to her support group in tears.

"How did it go?" one group member asked.

"Terrible. This boundary stuff doesn't work," she said.

"What do you mean?" the group therapist asked her.

"I told my husband that I was tired of being treated that way and that I was not going to put up with it any more. He got angry and started yelling at me. If the therapist had not been there, I don't know what I would have done. He's never going to change."

She was right. It was a good thing that the therapist was there and that she was in the hospital. She needed a lot of support in learning to set boundaries, for she would encounter a lot of resistance from both her husband and herself.

She learned through the next few weeks that others were going to fight hard against her limits and that she needed to plan how she was going to fight back. If she did that, the chances of their changing were pretty good. In fact, that is exactly what happened. Her husband finally learned that he could no longer "have it his way" all the time and that he needed to consider other people's needs as well as his own.

Angry Reactions The most common resistance one gets from the outside is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves.

When they hear no, they have the same reaction a two-year-old has when deprived of something: "Bad Mommy!" They feel as though the one who deprives them of their wishes is "bad," and they become angry. They are not righteously angry at a real offense. Nothing has been done "to them" at all. Someone will not do something "for them." Their wish is being frustrated, and they get angry because they have not learned to delay gratification or to respect others' freedom (Prov. 19:19).

The angry person has a character problem. If you reinforce this character problem, it will return tomorrow and the next day in other situations. It is not the situation that's making the person angry, but the feeling that they are ent.i.tled to things from others. They want to control others and, as a result, they have no control over themselves. So, when they lose their wished-for control over someone, they "lose it." They get angry.

The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people.

Second, you must view anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot "get inside" you unless you allow it. Staying separate from another's anger is vitally important. Let the anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get better. If you either rescue him from it, or take it on yourself, the angry person will not get better and you will be in bondage.

Third, do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do.

Fourth, make sure you have your support system in place. If you are going to set some limits with a person who has controlled you with anger, talk to the people in your support system first and make a plan. Know what you will say. Antic.i.p.ate what the angry person will say, and plan your reaction. You may even want to role-play the situation with your group. Then, make sure your support group will be available to you right after the confrontation. Perhaps some members of your support group can go with you. But certainly you will need them afterward to keep you from crumbling under the pressure.

Fifth, do not allow the angry person to get you angry. Keep a loving stance while "speaking the truth in love." When we get caught up in the "eye for eye" mentality of the law, or the "returning evil for evil" mentality of the world, we will be in bondage. If we have boundaries, we will be separate enough to love.

Sixth, be prepared to use physical distance and other limits that enforce consequences. One woman's life was changed when she realized that she could say, "I will not allow myself to be yelled at. I will go into the other room until you decide you can talk about this without attacking me. When you can do that, I will talk to you."

These serious steps do not need to be taken with anger. You can empathize lovingly and stay in the conversation, without giving in or being controlled. "I understand that you are upset that I will not do that for you. I am sorry you feel that way. How can I help?" Just remember that when you empathize, changing your no will not help. Offer other options.

If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time, instead of "other control," which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But, as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change.

Sometimes, the hard truth is that they will not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relations.h.i.+p if they can no longer control you. This is a true risk. G.o.d takes this risk every day. He says that he will only do things the right way and that he will not partic.i.p.ate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, he lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same.

Guilt Messages A man telephoned his mother, and she answered the phone very weakly, with hardly any voice at all. Concerned, thinking she was sick, he asked her, "Mother, what's wrong?"

"I guess my voice doesn't work very well anymore," she replied. "No one ever calls me since you children left home."

No weapon in the a.r.s.enal of the controlling person is as strong as the guilt message. People with poor boundaries almost always internalize guilt messages leveled at them; they obey guilt-inducing statements that try to make them feel bad. Consider these: "How could you do this to me after all I've done for you?"

"It seems that you could think about someone other than yourself for once."

"If you really loved me, you would make this telephone call for me."

"It seems like you would care enough about the family to do this one thing."

"How can you abandon the family like this?"

"You know how it's turned out in the past when you haven't listened to me."

"After all, you never had to lift a finger around here. It seems like it's time you did."

"You know that if I had it, I would give it to you."

"You have no idea how much we sacrificed for you."

"Maybe after I'm dead and gone, you'll be sorry."

Sometimes guilt manipulation comes dressed up in G.o.d talk: "How can you call yourself a Christian?"

"Doesn't the Bible say 'Honor your parents'?"

"You're not being very submissive. I'm sure that grieves the Lord."

"I thought Christians were supposed to think of others."

"What kind of religion would teach you to abandon your own family?"

"You must really have a spiritual problem to be acting this way."

People who say these things are trying to make you feel guilty about your choices. They are trying to make you feel bad about deciding how you will spend your own time or resources, about growing up and separating from your parents, or about having a life separate from a friend or spiritual leader. Remember the landowner's words in the parable of the workers in the vineyard: "Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money?" (Matt. 20:15). The Bible says that we are to give and not be self-centered. It does not say that we have to give whatever anyone wants from us. We are in control of our giving.

Probably everyone is able to some degree to recognize guilt messages when they hear them. But if you feel bad about your boundaries, maybe you have not looked specifically at the ones your family or other people are using. Here are a few tips about dealing with these external messages: 1. Recognize guilt messages. Some people swallow guilt messages without seeing how controlling they are. Be open to rebuke and feedback; you need to know when you are being self-centered. But guilt messages are not given for your growth and good. They are given to manipulate and control.

2. Guilt messages are really anger in disguise. The guilt senders are failing to openly admit their anger at you for what you are doing, probably because that would expose how controlling they really are. They would rather focus on you and your behavior than on how they feel. Focusing on their feelings would get them too close to responsibility.

3. Guilt messages hide sadness and hurt. Instead of expressing and owning these feelings, people try to steer the focus onto you and what you are doing. Recognize that guilt messages are sometimes an expression of a person's sadness, hurt, or need.

4. If guilt works on you, recognize that this is your problem and not theirs. Realize where the real problem is: inside. Then you will be able to deal with the outside correctly, with love and limits. If you continue to blame other people for "making" you feel guilty, they still have power over you, and you are saying that you will only feel good when they stop doing that. You are giving them control over your life. Stop blaming other people.