Love's Suicide Part 38

When all was agreed upon and I received way too many condolences, I called to order flowers and double checked with the funeral home that Bobby's body was being delivered the next day. His family had little money and his life insurance would only pay for a regular funeral. I wanted it to be special, as sort of a final plea for his forgiveness, so I paid for it to be as beautiful as possible. I ordered him a nice headstone that stated 'Loving Father'. It was difficult, knowing that I'd been the reason for his death, and yet I was planning to have him put into the ground. I felt evil, as if everyone around me would accuse me of wanting him dead.

As much as I wished things would have been different, I never wanted to hurt him like I had. Not only had I ripped apart his heart, but I'd also caused his death. I felt wretched inside, like I wasn't worth the love that I was receiving.

They couldn't understand what it felt like knowing that I'd swung that bottle at his head and knocked him unconscious. They weren't hearing the sound I heard when it made contact with his jaw. They didn't see his eyes when he barely opened them moments later.

Over and over it was all I saw and I couldn't get it out of my head.

Then there was Brooks; committed to us no matter what I decided, or how long it took me to come to grips with my actions.

Having so much on my mind did nothing for the pounding headache I'd woken up with and I knew I couldn't drive anywhere without it being complicated.

I was going to have to ask Danica to take me and I didn't want to, so I dialed Sarah's number and took a deep breath, knowing I was taking the cowardly approach to telling them that their best friend was gone.

"h.e.l.lo?"

"Sarah, it's me, Katy. I've got some bad news."

She started crying immediately. "Bobby's cousin saw Dave last night at the gas station. We heard about the accident."

"I wanted to come tell you in person, but I can't get around easily. I'm so sorry, Sarah. I know you both loved him very much."

The line got quiet and I didn't hear her sniffles anymore. "And what about you, Katy? Did you ever love that man at all? What was he in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. for in the first place?"

I stared at the charred ceiling and started to cry. "He was furious with me for serving him papers. Sarah, you might not believe this, but he was going to hurt me again."

"Bulls.h.i.+t!" I'd never heard her use profanity, which could only mean she was irate with me. "That man loved you more that his own life. How dare you sit there on that pedestal and act like he wasn't a fine person. He gave you everything and he died because of it. I hope you're happy with yourself, when you're walking around town with your soldier boyfriend. Just know that when you feel like people are talking about you, they will be."

"Sarah, I've never lied to you. I swear."

"Save it. I don't want any more of your excuses. You don't know how hard it's been to live with knowing that I brought you into our lives. You ruin everything you touch, Katy. I should have left you at that store and kept driving."

I was crying so hard that Danica had come running to the room. The phone was still in my hand, but the line had gone dead. Sarah, my only friend that I'd relied on since arriving in town, not only hated me, but wished she'd never met me.

Danica held me and let me cry. She didn't ask questions, or try to talk to me. There wasn't a way that I could even express my feelings any other way. I felt like I wanted to die myself. I'd taken away a man that my town considered the ideal person. They'd never know what he was like behind closed doors. They'd never understand that I'd tried to be good to him, even after so much pain.

Finally, she climbed off of the box spring and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

When the phone started ringing, I jumped. Thinking it was Sarah or maybe even Dave, calling me to give me another bout of verbal torture, I answered as calm as possible. "h.e.l.lo?"

"You're crying? What's wrong?" Hearing his voice made me cry harder. There he was calling me at that exact moment where I felt so helpless.

"I just got off the phone with Sarah."

"That bad?"

"Well, they all loved him. They could never believe the things that I said he did, and of course, I got blamed for everything that happened, including him coming to D.C. and losing his life. She even said that the whole town was going to hate me and I needed to prepare myself for it." I started to sob so loudly that I couldn't hear him talking.

"Kat, listen to me. You've got to calm down."

Finally, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Sorry."

"We're going to get through these next couple of days. Mom and I will be by your side the whole time. I don't give a s.h.i.+t what those people think of you. I know the real Katy; the one that cares about other people and leaves her life and everything behind because she's disappointed them. I know the girl that lost her parents and somehow grew up to be an amazing mother. And last but never least, I know the woman that loves someone with her whole heart, no matter how far away they might be. Please, try to calm down. I'll be there around four. I've got to stop and do something first."

"Brooks?"

"Yeah?"

I sniffled and tried to think of what to say to him, because thank you was never going to be enough. "I don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do. Go take a hot bath. Close your eyes and think about B's smile. Think about how happy she is when you walk into the room. Think of things that make you happy. Just try to relax."

"I'll think about you, Brooks."

He laughed and I knew he was smiling. "Without clothes. That always seems to change my mood."

I snickered through another wave of tears. "I'll try that."

"That's my girl. I'll see you in a bit."

I held the phone up to my chest and was able to finally calm down. It was obvious that I was fighting a losing battle with my heart. I was going to have to stop disputing it, because more than ever, I needed Brooks. I just had to figure out how to get past the demons in my head that was torturing the part of me that needed closure.

That was a battle that I wasn't sure how to overcome.

Chapter 56.

Since I'd decided to do everything over the phone and not leave my house, I was determined to get things as cleaned up as I could.

Bobby's family and friends were going to handle everything at the church being that I was no longer a welcome part of the congregation. I'd like to think that it didn't hurt me, but it would have been a lie. Not only was I hurting, but I was sad for my daughter, whether she even remembered all of them or not. I hated that people were only judged from the outside. Though I may not have been the best to Bobby, I did try to make him happy. When the abuse began, I did everything for him.

I had to keep reminding myself that Bobby's alcohol addiction wasn't directly due to Brooks. For a while there he'd even thought Brooks was dead. I don't know how much more someone could be out of the picture than that.

Danica was a blessing to have around, always keeping B occupied in and outside, while I hobbled around, trying to put my house back in order. She'd done most of the scrubbing and picking up the little pieces, so I wouldn't have to.

I didn't even realize how late it was until I heard a vehicle coming down the driveway. It was too difficult to make my way over to the window, so I sat there in my chair waiting for him to come inside.

I knew it was Brooks, because he never let me down. I just didn't know he'd been coming with gifts.

He walked through the door with both hands full of bags. "Hey. Now, before you freak out I just want to say that I did my best picking out something you'd like. If it's no good, we'll take it all back and pick out something else."

He sat the bags down on the coffee table and leaned over to kiss me. "You didn't have to buy me anything."

He started walking back outside, but turned around to answer. "If I'm going to be living here, then I need to pitch in." He winked before walking outside and I was left sitting there, speechless.

I started pulling things out of the bags, realizing that he'd gone to a store and bought things to replace what had been damaged. The first thing I noticed was how close to the originals he'd gotten. Danica must have been sending him pictures all day long and never telling me.

I started opening the packages that contained new curtains, when he came walking back in with more bags. "I can't believe you did all this. Did you take off early?"

"No. I ordered it all on the computer and it was ready when I got off. Mom suggested it."

I laughed, thinking about Danica and her love for shopping. "This is pretty amazing. I can't believe you did this."

Brooks sat the next couple of bags down next to me. He ran the back of his hand over my cheek. "I'd do anything to see you smile, Kat. Put your feet up and start opening packages. I've got to go back outside and help my buddies with something."

"Your buddies?"

I had no idea what he was talking about. B and Danica were outside. I could hear them playing near the swing set.

Then I saw the door swing open and two men in fatigues holding one end of a mattress. They nodded when they saw me sitting down and I smiled politely.

In came Brooks with one other guy helping him. The moment I saw him my heart rate increased. The b.u.t.terflies in my stomach were getting stronger as he made his way with the mattress to our bedroom. I was in awe over him, and the things that he did for me and for us.

In a matter of minutes, they were then carrying the large full-sized throw rug out of the house and bringing in another still wrapped in plastic. I sat there, listening to them talking while moving things around. I knew what they were doing, but I couldn't believe it. It was just outrageous.

I waited until he saw his friends out before getting up and making my way into the bedroom. Brooks came over and picked me up, carefully laying me on the new mattress. "So, how does it feel? The internet said it's the most sold bed in America. The rug is even softer than the one we had to throw away. It matches all the new bedding. Mom picked them out based on what you had before."

I closed my eyes and let my body sink down in the memory foam. It was the utmost comfortable thing I'd ever laid on. I leaned up on my elbow and looked at him. "It's great, but there's just one problem."

He looked concerned, as if he was going to have to return it. "What? Too soft? I know some people like a bed to be firm."

"No. It's too comfortable. I don't see how you're ever going to get any action, when I fall asleep as soon as my back hits the bed."

Brooks began to laugh at my comment. He pulled me close against him and looked down at my lips. "Am I allowed to kiss you or are we still waiting?"

I closed my eyes and prepared for his lips to make contact with mine. "Waiting only prolongs the inevitable."

He kissed me slowly, brus.h.i.+ng our lips together and then pulled away. "I don't think I have to worry about you falling asleep on me. I know ways to keep you alert and ready." Just as he ran his hands down between my legs, I heard the door open and shut and our daughter's voice.

We both sat up and prepared for her presence. Danica let her climb up to hug Brooks. "Hey, Daddy will be outside in just a second. I need to talk to Mommy about something first. Go on with Mom mom and I'll meet you there."

She hopped down and went running back outside. Danica smiled at him as if she knew a secret that I didn't. I felt overwhelmed for a second, thinking that he was getting ready to, of all times, ask me to marry him.

I pulled away and must have gotten a shocked look on my face. "What's wrong with you?"

I put my hands up in front of me. "Don't you dare do it. I need time, Brooks. I can't just spit on a grave that hasn't even been dug yet."

I watched his face change, and as he realized what I'd been thinking, I discovered that my a.s.sumption had been way off.

I felt so stupid.

He shook his head. "Look, now I get that you're worried I'm going to push you, but I won't push for that. Kat, I will wedge myself so far into your life that you won't be able to get rid of me, but I wasn't going to ask you what you think I was. In fact, I wasn't going to ask you anything."

"Sorry." I was completely embarra.s.sed. "What was it?"

"While you were in the hospital I had my appointment with the medical board. It seems that my injuries are more severe than I thought. They're going to have to do surgery, and they're not real sure that he can fix the damage."

I looked down at the scars on his arm; the scars that saved that young child. My finger traced over them. "What does that mean?"

"Well, depending on a few factors, I may not be able to stay on active duty. I know I can't pa.s.s a normal physical evaluation. Without feeling in my hand and arm, I can't operate the machinery that I was trained to use."

"You said it didn't bother you."

He began to laugh. "It doesn't. For the most part, I can't feel much of anything. I just a.s.sumed that it was alright. But I can tell that sometimes I lose the feeling and control over it."

I put my hand over my mouth. "Jesus, you picked me up before. You just carried a mattress. What were you thinking?"

He shrugged again and reached over to touch my lips. "I was thinking that I'd waited my whole life to be with you and hold a child that we shared together. When the opportunity was in front of me, I couldn't refuse it."

I felt terrible and couldn't look at him in the face. "So, it's our fault you may not be able to work?"

He pulled me back toward him and my body fell over his. "Even if it was, I wouldn't be mad. I've got plans for us, Kat, and they don't involve the military. Getting out wouldn't be that bad. I could get a job and we'd be fine."

"I still can't believe that you want to be with me. So much has happened. If you were smart, you would have forgotten about me a long time ago."

He patted me on the back. "We're a family. I've doubted myself for many reasons in my life, but deciding to love you was never something I ever considered giving up. That probably makes me a fool. I really don't care what anyone thinks about it. We can be something beautiful together and that's all I need to know."

I lightly smacked his chest. "Stop doing that."

"What?" He acted like he didn't know.

"Making me love you even more."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Then he went right into another topic. "I've got some paint outside. I'm going to need to paint the ceiling before we can get the sheets on the bed. I bought you the nice thick ones like we had growing up."

I rolled over, slowly, taking my time so I didn't hurt too much. "I guess I'll just lay here and watch."

He sat up and kissed me on my nose. "Sounds good to me." Brooks stood up and before walking out of the room, he turned around and looked at me. "So, did you get everything taken care of today?"

I leaned up on both elbows. "For the most part. The church is basically taking over and everyone pretty much made it clear that I wasn't going to be welcome. They all think I'm a terrible person. I know you don't see it, but maybe they're all right. How else could I feel so happy to start over with you, in the midst of a tragedy?"

Brooks walked over to the bed and kneeled in front of me. "Kat, you're human and you're coping. If I wasn't here life would be different, but I can't let what's happened come between us. I won't. Only you and Bobby know what happened in that truck. You can blame yourself for the rest of your life, if that will help you cope. The fact is that, he forced you into that vehicle, after breaking a protective order and hunting you down, with every intention of harming you, or maybe even worse. Wake up and see what I see, because nowhere does it say that defending yourself can be construed as murder. You were trying to survive in a dire situation, one where your life felt threatened. If they can't understand that, then screw them. They weren't your real friends anyway."

He patted on my leg before standing up and walking out of the room.

After I knew he'd gone outside, I looked down at the mattress and the new rug. He was going to have to cover the whole room in plastic while he repaired the black mark from the flames. It was a good thing that ceiling paint was easy to come by.

Brooks entered the room with a bunch of trash bags that he started spreading out over the floor, and once I got up, the bed as well. He opened a can of primer and held it and a paintbrush as he climbed onto the bed. "I need to seal the spot. I checked earlier and it didn't go through. He must have put out the flames as soon as they started to get high. One coat of this primer and couple coats of the paint should do the trick. If you hate it, I'll rip out the drywall and replace the whole area."

"You know how to do all that?"

"Do you think I just wear this uniform and walk around all day looking s.e.xy?" he kept preparing while he spoke.

I laughed at him. "Of course not. I just didn't think they taught you stuff like this."