Losing Control Part 15

"Her name is Cyndi. She works here. We used to go out but that was years ago. We're just friends now. And not very close at that. She just needed my help with something, so I had to come. I couldn't talk in front of the people she works with so we were going to the empty rooms. To talk, Elena."

"I don't buy it."

"I would never lie to you."

"I don't buy it!"

The look on his face changed. "Elena," Thorne said. "Why don't you do us both a favor and just say what's really bothering you."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't hate that I was with some other girl," Thorne said. "You hate that you found me in a bondage club!"

"Pardon me for being normal!"

This time he looked hurt. "Normal?" he said. "Right. Cause I must be completely f.u.c.ked up if I'm into this stuff."

"Thorne-"

He let go of my arm. "You know what, Elena? I'm glad you found out. At least now I don't have to pretend that s.e.x between us is fine!"

"Wait...you're saying the s.e.x is bad?"

"I'm saying it could be better."

"Well I'm sorry if I don't appreciate the same kind of perverted...twisted form of intimacy that you seem to enjoy!"

"Perverted huh?" his blue eyes were on fire. "Well tell you what. Why don't you go back to your boring life and your boring normal s.h.i.+t, while people who still have a s.e.x drive can actually enjoy themselves in bed!"

"Hey, I'm plenty good in bed!"

"You're like one of those mind-numbingly boring housewives who refuse to give their husbands a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b and then complain when they go to prost.i.tutes!"

"You really think this is going to work? This whole reverse psychology thing?"

"No," he said. "I know it won't. So please. Do us all a favor and go back to your rule-book, missionary-position s.e.x!"

"Come on Thorne what I saw back there...that wasn't right!"

"Neither were b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs in the eighteenth century, but guess what? People change Elena! People learn new things. You still think your body is like some kind of holy thing that you need to keep in lock and key. Well you know what; it's not that big of a deal. You know we're right for each other. You know how I feel about you. I read your stuff Elena. Every d.a.m.n hero in your novels is this sensitive superhero, psychic guy who comes to you quietly at night and fills your room with flowers. But I send Stanton to your motel to make sure you're okay, and that's stalking? What do you really want Elena? Why is it okay for a fantasy character to do something but when a normal guy does the same, it's just wrong?"

"Don't do that," I said, mad.

"Do what?"

"This," I said. "Making up an excuse for f.u.c.king some woman like Nick used to do. Like somehow it's my fault!"

"I wasn't sleeping with her!" he snapped, his voice breaking just a little.

"That's what Nick kept telling me all this time."

"Well, I'm not Nick, Elena!"

"Not if I can help it."

"What do you want from me?"

For the first time I calmed down a bit. "I have to go," I said, because I didn't think I could make any good decisions right then.

Thorne looked disappointed. "Fine," he said. "Go back to your stupid life and your boring rule-book. This isn't something you're capable of anyway. I'm sure that's the reason Nick ventured out too."

He did not just say that.

I looked up at him and this time, I meant business. "You have no idea what I'm capable of," I said and there were some crazy ideas going through my mind. I hated that he thought he could just say these things and get away with it. I couldn't believe he was trying to make up a lame excuse for being with another woman, just like Nick used to do. Well, Nick deserved to be treated a lot worse for what he did, but I never got around to doing it. But as far as Thorne is concerned, I can still do something to make sure he regretted this. I ran a hand through my hair, to make sure they were okay and headed in the direction of the club.

"Elena where are you going?" I heard Thorne saying, but I didn't stop.

The music and the applause got louder the closer I got to the stage. I started unb.u.t.toning my s.h.i.+rt, thankful for the camisole I was wearing inside. I found the first guy holding a drink and I smiled at him as I took his drink. He didn't say a thing and looked on, holding me with his gaze. He's cute and when I returned his gla.s.s, he smiled. I gestured to the floor where the previous couple is getting off by now. "Would you like to do this with me?" I asked the cute guy and he smiled even wider.

"I'm always up for it," he said.

I tried to smile. "Lead the way," I said.

I turned to look at the floor and I realized I was more drunk than I cared to admit. Someone grabbed my arm to stop me. "Elena," I heard Thorne growling. "Stop this!"

I yanked my arm away from his grip. "You think you're hot, don't you? Well I'm going to show you what it feels like to be so full of yourself. I'm going to stand in the middle of the floor and the eyes of every sad pathetic loser in here will be on me! How's that for boring?"

"Elena..." he tried to get a hold of me but I was quick at slipping away.

This time, when I turned, I didn't look back.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the middle of the same stage, the burning glow of lights directed on me and there was the same guy standing there, and he was asking me what implement I would like him to use. That's when I realized I was making a mistake. Maybe Thorne was right and he wasn't here because he was sleeping around. I just had trouble believing anything since Nick broke my trust so badly, but was that me now? Paranoid and untrusting? Was I going to push everyone away because one guy had wronged me?

"Well?" the cute guy asked. "Have you decided or what?"

I looked at him and he was good looking, attractive in every way, muscled physique and everything. But I didn't want him.

The only guy I still really wanted, even right now was that stupid jerk standing there in the corner who I just caught with some dumb b.i.t.c.h with a wig, and I had to teach him a lesson. I had to show him, that if he tried to pull this kind of s.h.i.+t or called me boring, there would be consequences. You couldn't just tell someone you were bad in bed and get away with it! He needed to see I was desirable. This guy standing in front of me was proof of that. But you called him a liar. And a cheat.

You know he didn't mean it. You know no one can fake the chemistry you had in bed with him. He just said that because he was hurt. And angry. Just like you.

Perhaps this was right.

This club, these crude, h.o.r.n.y men, who just wanted to f.u.c.k. They were all looking at me and I was getting all kinds of glares, stares and then people started yelling and they were urging me on now because I was taking a lot of time thinking. Maybe this was what men were capable of, maybe they didn't really want relations.h.i.+ps and they messed up when they had one. For a minute, I wanted to just be that person who would enjoy a set up like this one. But I know that even if I did it as part of a drunken mistake, it wouldn't last for me. The shouts were getting louder and the audience demanded a performance. The host, dressed in leather bare essentials, came towards me and because he knew I might be in need of help, he brought me a drink. I almost took it from his hand when I felt Thorne's fingers on my arm again. He was standing right there, under the light on the floor with me.

"Are you done?" he asked. The anger hadn't left his face. "Or are you going to see this through?"

I looked around at the audience. Taking my pants off may have seemed like a good idea at the time but now it just seemed stupid. Suddenly, I was thankful for Thorne. I wasn't sure what I would have ended up doing if it wasn't for him. But still, I was angry.

"You don't understand the concept of backing off do you?" someone said and I realized it was me. What the h.e.l.l was wrong with me? Was I on some kind of auto pilot? I had to stop, accept the fact that I needed help. His help.

Thorne was watching me with something that was a mix of anger, frustration, and love. "Please," he said. "You made your point. Let's just get off the floor and talk. If you still feel like you want to take your clothes off in front of these people, then I won't stop you. I'm just here to make sure that's what you really want."

The host was getting annoyed by now and asking me if this was going to happen because other people were in line, waiting. I didn't think I wanted to keep them waiting any more. I broke away from Thorne's grip and stormed off the floor this time, kept walking, again, till I was outside, away from that world. I didn't care that the crowd was not pleased and I didn't care that I made a fool of myself again. Tears came to my eyes and I didn't stop them. I could hear Thorne walking up to me.

"What the h.e.l.l was that Elena?" he said.

"What? Not bold and dangerous enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean any of that. I was just hurt."

"Hurt?"

"You called me a liar, Elena! You said I was a pervert! When I hadn't done anything. Cyndi is my friend. Everyone in the club can confirm that for you. I didn't lie to you and I had no intention of cheating on you."

I looked into his eyes and I knew he meant it. But what I didn't know is if people are actually capable of being truthful. "Why didn't you tell me about the club?" I said. "Why didn't you tell me about her?"

"Elena," he said. "We've barely been going out for a month. I didn't want to freak you out. That's why I didn't tell you about the club. And Cyndi, she just never came up."

"You told me what you were into," I said. "You could have told me this!"

"Tell me honestly," Thorne said. "What was your first impression when you saw that scene? You were shocked, and you didn't like it one bit. You were totally out of your element. You didn't know what you were supposed to do."

"I won't deny that," I said. "So yes I was shocked for like five d.a.m.n minutes Thorne! And that's only because this whole thing was unexpected. But I got over it!" I said. "And then there was a point where I wanted that to be us."

Wow. That just flew right off my tongue, didn't it? Thorne was just staring at me and looking more surprised than I felt.

"You wanted that to be us?" he said, and his eyes were full of some strange emotion I didn't quite understand. It was more than love, a lot more than just plain l.u.s.t. "Elena, you don't have to say something like that just to prove something to me."

"That's not what I'm trying to do here."

He looked like he didn't believe it for a second and then he inched closer to me. "Elena," he said. "People don't just wake up one day and realize they're into bondage!"

I must have been blus.h.i.+ng. Even the alcohol inside my system can't stop that from happening. I was giving away a secret but only because I wanted to make sure he didn't get the wrong impression. I wanted to make sure he realized that I wasn't going to judge him for having certain tastes, even if they were new to me. I wanted him to be comfortable with me, just as I always felt comfortable with him.

"I don't like admitting this, but it's true," I said. "It's not the first time I've fantasized about something like this. But I just...I don't know, for me it can never be something that I do with a complete stranger. For me, this has to be something..."

"Intimate," he finished for me.

He pulled me in closer and kissed my forehead. It was such a sweet gesture most of my anger curiously subsided. Then he tilted my head up and found some leftover tears on my cheeks that he promptly wiped away with his fingers. His touched was so warm, so loving and so special I couldn't help but look into his eyes again. "I don't know what I want," I said at last. "I am having some mixed feelings here."

"Listen, I don't expect you to just become level ten BDSM expert right this moment! There's nothing to freak out about. We can start small."

"How small?"

"Dinner and a bondage-club date small."

Somehow, I couldn't help but smile.

"We won't do anything," he said. "We'll just watch. I'd never do anything to hurt you and I'd never do anything that you're not comfortable with. You know that, right?"

I nodded.

"And these actions they're just actions," he said. "There are no rules here. We have to figure out whatever we're comfortable with and work with that. I have no problems if there are certain limits you'd rather not cross. I enjoy the domination part, not the s.a.d.i.s.tic one so much. Knowing that you're mine, that you're devoted to me, that's what matters most. Not the actual acts we do or don't do."

I didn't know how to respond. Thorne's hand reached mine. "I want you Elena," he said. "I want you like I have never wanted anyone in my life. And I won't stop until you want me the same way."

I couldn't help that his words made a lot of sense. "Do you have to go back in there?" I asked.

"Cyndi's father died recently," Thorne explained. "She needed money. I was the only person she could ask. She's never asked me for help before. I couldn't refuse. But if you have a problem with me going in there-"

"No," I blurted out. "No! You should go. It's fine. Really."

"You're sure?"

"Of course."

Thorne cupped my face with his hand. "Tell me what you're thinking, Elena."

"I don't know, I just feel...strange."

"Elena," he said, a grave seriousness in his voice. "Do you want to be with me?"

I looked up at his face, and I knew the answer to that. "Yes."

"Then I guess you've made a choice, haven't you?"

"This feels more like a compulsion, than something I'm choosing."

"That's love Elena," he said.

"Don't you think it's a bit soon to use that word?"

"Maybe it is. But it doesn't change the way I feel."

"What if you're some axe murderer and I don't even know it!"

Thorne grinned. "You do realize there's no bas.e.m.e.nt in the loft?"

"So, what I should go out with you because you don't have a headless body hanging in your bas.e.m.e.nt?"

He took my hand to his lips and kissed it. "You should go out with me because you are just as f.u.c.king hooked to me as I am to you."

"Is everything okay, Elena?" Penny said and jolted me out of my thoughts.

"Penny," I said, wiping off the few remainder tears. "You're here."

"Do you want me to go back inside?" she asked.