Passage. Part 13

"Can I have a blanket?" Amelia asked. "I always get cold."

Cold? Joanna wondered. She had said she felt warm and cozy. Joanna thought back to Lisa Andrews, s.h.i.+vering as she said she felt warm and safe.

"When do you get cold, Amelia?" she asked.

"Afterward. When I wake up, I'm freezing."

"Body temperature drops when you're lying down," Nurse Hawley said, and Joanna could have throttled her.

"Do you wake up and then get cold, or are you already cold when you wake up?" Joanna asked.

"I don't know. After, I think," but there was that same questioning inflection in her voice.

Richard spread a white cotton blanket over Amelia's body, leaving the arm with the IV uncovered. "How's that?" he asked her.

"Good."

"Okay, I'm putting your headphones on," he said to her. He placed them over her ears upside down, the headband under her chin. So they don't obstruct the scan, Joanna thought.

"White noise is being fed through the headphones," Richard said to Joanna. "It masks any stray inner-ear noises along with any outside sound. Amelia?" he said loudly. No answer. "Okay," he said, stepping around Joanna to take down the cardboard screen in front of the scan. "You ready?"

"Yes," Joanna said, but looking down at Amelia, lying still and silent under the white blanket, her black hair splayed out around her head, she felt a s.h.i.+ver of anxiety. "You're sure this procedure is safe?"

"I'm sure," Richard said. "And you don't have to whisper. Amelia can't hear you. It's perfectly safe."

That's what the pa.s.sengers on the Hindenburg thought, Joanna thought. And Mr. O'Reirdon had coded in the middle of a scan. "But what if something did go wrong while Amelia's under?"

"There's a program that continuously monitors the vitals readouts and the RIPT scan images,"

Richard said. "Any abnormality in brain function or heart activity triggers a computer alarm that automatically stops the dithetamine and administers norepinephrine. If it's a serious problem, the computer's hooked up to the code alarm for a crash cart team."

"On this floor?" Joanna asked, thinking of a crash cart trying to find its way up from five-west."On this floor," Richard rea.s.sured her. "In this wing. But we won't need it. The procedure's perfectly safe, and the subjects are continuously monitored during and after the session."

"I think I should tell you nothing's happening," Amelia said, her voice with the too-loud emphasis of nonhearing.

Richard raised one headphone an inch, said, "Coming right up," and replaced it carefully over her ear. "You think there's some other precaution we should be taking?" he asked Joanna.

Yes, Joanna thought. "No."

"Okay, then, let's do it," he said. "Nurse, start the zalepam. I put the subjects into non-REM sleep first," he explained to Joanna, "though it's possible for them to achieve an NDE-state without."

Nurse Hawley began the feed. Richard positioned himself in front of the console. After a minute, Amelia's hands relaxed, the fingers splaying out a little from the position they had consciously held.

Her face, half-hidden by the sleep mask, the electrodes, seemed to relax, too, the lips parting slightly, her breathing becoming lighter. Joanna glanced at the readouts. Amelia's pulse had risen slightly and her brainwaves were shallower.

"See how the activity s.h.i.+fts from the motor and sensory cortexes to the inner brain," he said, pointing to the screens. "She's in non-REM sleep. Okay, now I'm starting the dithetamine. Watch."

He pointed to the scan image again, where the color in the anterior temporal lobe was deepening from yellow to red and changing shape. "The temporal lobe's taking on the characteristic pattern of the NDE," he said, and, as the temporal lobe flared to red, "And we have liftoff."

"She's experiencing an NDE?" Joanna looked up at the image and then back down at Amelia.

"Right now?"

He nodded. "She should be looking at the light," he said, "and feeling warm and peaceful."

Joanna looked at Amelia. There was no indication that she was experiencing a tunnel or a bright light, and no sense, as Joanna had felt with Coma Carl or Greg Menotti, of Amelia's being somewhere far away, out of reach. She simply looked asleep, her lips still slightly parted, her face relaxed, giving no clue of what she was experiencing.

Joanna looked up at the screen, but its bright blotches of blue and red and yellow told her no more than Amelia's expression.

Richard had said her brain activity and vital signs were being monitored and an alarm would go off at any change in her blood pressure or brain function, but what if it didn't show up on the monitors? Fourteen percent of NDEers reported having frightening experiences, devils and monsters and suffocating darkness. What if something terrifying was happening to Amelia right now and she had no way to tell them?

But she didn't look terrified. In fact, she was smiling slightly, as if she were seeing something pleasant. Angels? Heavenly choirs? "How long does the NDE last?" Joanna asked.

"It depends," Richard said, busy at the console. "Mr. O'Reirdon's NDE lasted three minutes, b.u.t.there's no physical reason they can't go ten to fifteen minutes."

But four to six minutes causes brain death, Joanna thought, still unable to shake the feeling that this was an actual NDE and not a simulation.

"Theoretically, it could last as long as dithetamine's being fed in," he said, "but half the time, the-d.a.m.n!"

"What? Is something wrong?" Joanna asked, glancing anxiously at the monitors and then at Amelia.

"She came out of the NDE spontaneously," Richard said. "I don't know if it's a problem with the dosage or if it's related to the NDE. It's one of the things we need to find out, what's kicking them out of the NDE-state and back into consciousness."

"She's awake?"

"No," Richard said, taking another look at the monitors. "She's back in non-REM sleep."

Joanna looked down at Amelia. Her hands still lay limply on the foam. The pleased half-smile remained. "If the NDE is causing it," Richard said, "it may be the same mechanism that causes patients experiencing an NDE to revive, and if that's the case-"

There was a sound. "Shh," Joanna said, and bent over Amelia.

"Is she awake?" Richard said, looking at the screens. "She shouldn't be. The pattern shows her in non-REM sleep."

"Shh," Joanna said and bent close to Amelia's mouth.

"Oh, no," Amelia murmured, and her voice was hoa.r.s.e and despairing. "Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no."

8.

"To die would be an awfully big adventure."

-Last words of Broadway producer Charles Frohman, quoting from his close friend James Barrie's Peter Pan just before he went down on the Lusitania.

Amelia Tanaka had no memory of anything negative in her NDE. "It was just like the last time,"

she told Joanna. "There was a light, and this wonderful feeling."

"Can you describe it?""The feeling?" Amelia said dreamily. "Calm... safe. I felt enveloped in love."

You didn't sound enveloped in love, Joanna thought. You sounded terrified. "Did you have that feeling the entire time?"

"Yes."

Joanna gave up on that for the moment. "Can you describe the light?"

"It was beautiful," Amelia said. "It was bright, but it didn't hurt my eyes."

"What color was it?"

"White. Like a lamp, only really bright," she said, and this time she squinted, as if it had hurt to look at it, in spite of what she had said.

"Was the light there all the time?"

"No, not at first, not till after they opened the door."

Richard looked sharply at Joanna. I'm going to have to tell him he can't be present at these interviews, she thought. "Where was the door?" she asked impa.s.sively.

"At the end of... I don't know," Amelia said, frowning. "I was in a hall, or a tunnel, or..." She shook her head.

Joanna waited, giving her time to say something else. When she didn't, Joanna said, "You said, 'They opened the door.' Can you be more specific?"

"Um, I didn't actually see anybody open the door," Amelia said. "It was dark, and then all of a sudden, there was a light, like when somebody opens a door at night and the light spills in. I thought..." She squinted again and then shook her head. "There was a light."

"Did you hear anything?"

She shook her head, and then said, "There was a sound at the very beginning."

"Can you describe it?"

"It was a..." A ringing or a buzzing, Joanna thought resignedly. "I can't really describe it," Amelia said. "I heard a sound, and then I was in this hall and the door opened and I saw the light. It was very real."

"How did it feel real?"

"It wasn't like a dream. I was really there," but when Joanna pressed her about tactile sensations and sensory involvement, she turned vague again. "The light was all around me. I felt warm and...

nice.""What about before the light? When you were in the dark place?"

Amelia smiled. "Peaceful."

"Were you aware of the temperature?"

"No, not at all."

You just said you felt warm, Joanna thought, but she didn't say it. She switched the questioning to the door and the people in white, and then, after several minutes, brought the conversation back to feelings, but Amelia merely repeated that she had felt calm, nice, warm. "The warmth surrounded me, like the light," she said, "and then Dr. Wright was removing my headphones and asking me how I was feeling."

When Joanna told her she was finished asking questions, Amelia said eagerly, "When do I get to go under again?" and later, after she'd gotten dressed, she asked again, "When's my next session?"

She shouldered her backpack. "This is a lot more fun than biochem."

"Joanna, you were great," Richard said as soon as Amelia was gone. "I can't believe how much you got out of her."

"I didn't find out why she said, 'Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.' "

"That may have been part of the waking process and not the NDE," he said. "Mr. Wojakowski said something the first time he came out of the dithetamine."

"What?" Joanna demanded.

"I don't remember," Richard said. "Knowing him, it probably had something to do with the Yorktown."

"When he said it, did he sound frightened?"

"I don't think so. I don't remember. The nurse might. Her name is in the session transcripts. It couldn't have been part of the NDE, you know. Speech isn't possible in the NDE state. The outer brain, including the speech cortex, is essentially shut down."

But it could be Amelia's memory of the NDE immediately after she was revived, Joanna thought.

A memory much different from the NDE she reported.

Richard said, "What I'm really interested in is, how does her account compare with the subjects you've interviewed?"

"She had three of the ten core elements: the sound, the light, and the feeling of peace."

"And the tunnel," Richard said.

Joanna shook her head. "Too vague. She couldn't describe either the darkness or the tunnel-slash-hall, and she didn't even mention it till I asked her if the light had been there all along.There may simply have been a blank s.p.a.ce there between the sound and the light, and she was confabulating something to fill it."

"But if you don't count the tunnel because she couldn't describe it, what about the sound?"

Richard asked. "She couldn't describe that either."

"n.o.body is able to describe the sound with any certainty," Joanna said. "Most of them can't describe it at all, and the ones who can say it's a ringing the first time you ask them and a whoosh the next, or a scream or a sc.r.a.ping sound or a thud. Or all three. Mr. Steinhorst described it as someone whispering, and then, the second time I asked him, as a whole supermarket shelf of canned goods cras.h.i.+ng down. I don't think they have any idea what they heard."

"Do they have the same inconsistency describing what they've seen?"

"Yes and no. They're more consistent, but unless they've been coached by Mr. Mandrake, they tend to use vague, general terms. The light is 'bright,' the place they're in is 'beautiful.' They hardly ever use specific sensory words or colors, with the exception of 'white' and 'golden.' "

"That might indicate that the language cortex is only marginally involved," he said, making a note of that. "Which could cause their vagueness in describing the sound, too."

She shook her head. "They're not the same. When they describe what they've seen, they're vague, but they know what they've seen, even if they have trouble describing it. But with the sound, they don't seem to have any idea what they've heard. I get the idea they're just guessing."

"You said she had three of the ten core elements," Richard said. "Do most subjects have all ten?"