Once More A Family Part 12

"Ree, think about that. That's two round trips, two hours on the road that Icould spend with the boy. Does that really make sense?"

Instead of answering, she s.h.i.+fted her gaze to the window. He didn't need thewords to know what was going on inside her. She was frustrated and a littlepanicky. His lady was only safe when she was in control. The lists she madeand checked and then checked again, the separate savings account she'dinsisted on keeping when they were married, the need to weigh everydecision-they ordered a world that the child in her still expected to shatterinto chaos. So he'd let her organize big chunks of his life as well as hers.But not all.

"Trust me on this,Ree ." His words were just shy of pleading. "My gut tellsme this is what Jimmy needs."

"I don't think I've had enough wine to deal with this," she muttered, takinganother sip.

"Give it some time to settle in."

She slanted him a look that had him fighting a need to grin. "Good idea. I'lllet you know in twenty years."

"Honey, I'd give you that and more, but I think this is a decision that has...o...b.. made tonight."

"Why tonight?" she demanded, her chin up a little more than usual.

Instead of answering, he glanced at the sleeping bag he'd propped against thefireplace. Watching her, he saw the exact moment when she made the connection.

"I was afraid you'd say that."

She took a gulp of wine, then licked a stray drop from her lower lip with thetip of her tongue. His body reacted with a hot, hard speed.

"Even with twin beds it would never work," she declared in a tight voice."Sharing a bedroom is too ... intimate. We wouldn't have any privacy. Besides,you sleep in the nude."

"So?"

She frowned, then exhaled a little puff of air. "So we were always great inbed. It wouldn't be long before we'd start remembering that."

Remember. He'd just spent two and half years trying to forget, with about asmuch luck as that tired old s...o...b..ll in h.e.l.l.

"I won't deny I want to sleep with you,Ree . I do. So bad it's making me alittle crazy. But I'm handling it and I'll keep on handling it. You have myword I won't crowd you."

Yes, you will,Ria thought as she smiled again at the cat he'd brought home toher for tending.

His mere presence crowded her. Seeing the way his eyes lit an instant beforehe smiled at her in that special way crowded her. The brush of his hand whenhe'd handed her the wine or guided her through the restaurant. Most of all,her memories crowded her. Sweet, special moments like the time he'd come homewith a bruised jaw after a dust-up with a whacked-out addict to find herhuddled in the middle of their bed, terrified that the spotting she was havingwas the beginning of a miscarriage.

He'd held her for hours, rubbing her back until she fell asleep. He was stillawake the next morning, still holding her, his eyes glazed with exhaustion.And then he'd told her how proud he was of her.

She humbled him with her courage, he'd told her, his voice reverent.

Her heart had tumbled then. It tumbled now.

Steeling herself, she brought her gaze back to his. "I don't know why I'meven bothering to argue," she said, smiling a little to signal her surrender."We both knew I'd agree before we even started this discussion. I'll dowhatever it takes to bring my son back to me." She closed her eyes for a longmoment, gathering strength.

"Ree, it'll work out. We both love Jimmy enough to keep whatever resentmentswe have private."

One side of her mouth slanted as she let her eyes drift open again. "I don'tresent you, Grady," she said softly. "It would have been so much easier if Icould."

"I wouldn't blame you. I was a jerk." He glanced away, then almostreluctantly it seemed, brought his gaze back to hers. His shoulders eased. "Icouldn't stand coming home empty-handed every night, so I ran. It was probablythe stupidest mistake I've made in a long line of mistakes." His smile wasfleeting, but still potent, she realized when she felt a familiar littleflurry in her chest. "I've had a lot of lonely days and nights to regret it."

Lonely?

She felt a splash of cold on her bare thigh and realized she'd tipped thegla.s.s. Hastily, she wiped at the spill with two fingers, then licked themoisture from her fingertips. Glancing up, she caught the flash of somethinghot and needy in his eyes.

The ivory walls she'd painted herself suddenly seemed to pull in closer untilshe was aware of her own suddenly erratic breathing. It had been so long sinceshe'd felt like a woman. So long since she'd felt his long, hair-roughenedlegs tangling with hers on sheets hot and slick with their shared pa.s.sion, solong since she'd thrilled to feel that magnificently male body pressing herinto the mattress while his thickly engorged arousal thrust possessivelyinside her, making them one.

Desire uncurled inside her, an insistent, hungry feeling in hidden placesonly he knew. She wanted him, and it was useless to pretend otherwise. b.u.t.that would only stir up all the misery she'd oh-so slowly put behind her.

"Don't, Grady," she said in strained vice. "You're making a.n.a.lready-difficult situation worse."

His mouth slanted into the wry, self-mocking grin that was as much a defenseas it was a weapon. "Why not go for broke?" He leaned forward, his body astense as a predator about to make his move. But it was the fierce look in hiseyes that kept her from moving so much as a muscle.

"It's a whole lot more than s.e.x,Ria , what I feel when I look at you. I fellin love with you the first time I saw you, and I'm still in love with you.I've tried every way I know how to shake free, but you're dug in deep. I'dgive half the life remaining to me to wake up every morning next to you. Witha ring on your finger or without, you're mine. You'll always be mine."

He stood suddenly, surprising her into a soft, gasping breath. "Now I'm goingfor a run and cool-off before I do something I'll spend the next fifty yearsregretting. When I come back, we'll figure out what happens next."

On the way to the door he grabbed the Lafayette SWAT cap he'd tossed onto achair. He jammed it on his head and kept going. An instant later, the doorclicked shut behind him.

It had been an hour since Grady had dumped his bombsh.e.l.l on her. As soon a.s.she could breathe again, she'd dived into the bathroom for a quick shower,then armored herself in her frumpiest nights.h.i.+rt and, for good measure, therobe that was making her feel hot and uncomfortable.

It annoyed her no end that she was still vulnerable to the man-and very tempted.

The house was quiet as she stalked to her dresser and glared at herreflection. Her cheeks were stained with color and her eyes were bright.

Behind her was her bed. Her very ordinary double bed. No one had slept thereexcept her. But now she saw him there, stretched out on his back, his legssprawled in that loose-jointed way he had, his eyes dark and hungry.

Desire was a gloved fist hitting her squarely in her midsection.

"What a lousy, stinking thing to do," she muttered to the cat who sat on herpillow, staring at her in the mirror with the unblinking eyes of a born cynic."You were there, Trouble," she muttered, picking up her hairbrush. "You sawhow hard I tried to keep the marriage together. Ibegged him to fight for usthe way he'd fought that horrible Russian. But you saw how he avoided me, how... how he flinched when I touched him."

It had hurt then. It hurt now.

She jerked the brush through her hair, wincing as the bristles sc.r.a.ped herscalp. "I adored him, Trouble," she muttered as she ruthlessly twisted herhair into a spinster's knot at the back of her head. "The blasted man broke myheart at the precise moment when I needed him most." She jammed another pininto the bun and glared at the cat in the mirror. "I won't ... Ican't go throughthat again."

"Guess I can't blame you."

She spun around to find Grady leaning against the doorjamb with his armscrossed, watching her with hooded eyes. Below the bill of the ratty cap he'dlifted from his SWAT team brother, Elijah, his face was flushed from wind andexertion, and his s.h.i.+rt was sweat darkened in a raggedly triangular patch fromhis shoulders to his lean belly. He looked hot and virile and very, very male.She held her breath, then realized she was waiting ...wis.h.i.+ng for him to chargeacross the room and sweep her into his arms.

In spite of the s.e.xless image she had carefully pulled around her, a part ofher was desperate to feel the wild exhilaration of his touch, the mindlesspleasure that splintered into rainbow shards of bliss when he was hot and hardinside her.

He didn't move. She stopped wis.h.i.+ng.

"I think we need to set some ground rules for the next few weeks." She'dtried for stern and ended up with peevish. "For starters, you have got to buysome pajamas."

He didn't smile, but his eyes crinkled just enough to tell her he'd thoughtabout it. "I'll agree to bottoms. No tops."

"And no flirting."

His mouth slanted this time. "You're going to have to define that for me,honey."

"First off, don't call me honey. Secondly, don't ... look at me so much."

"Now that's a problem, seeing as how I just can't seem to help myself."

"Well, try."

Trouble chose that moment to sink his needlelike claws into the satin duvet and tug. She saw the material stretch, and lunged. She came up with an armfulof startled cat who immediately transferred his grip to her forearm. Sheshrieked and let go.

The cat executed a graceful leap to the floor, then paused, tail waving likea battle flag to look back at her with an expression of outraged innocence onhis funny face.

"Best lie low for a while, buddy," Grady advised as he straightened andunfolded the brawny arms she'd been so eager to feel close around her. "Thelady doesn't like to share her bed with scruffy dudes like you and me."

Trouble let out an indignant and decidedly masculine meow before ambling outof the room.Ria watched him go, then s.h.i.+fted her gaze to the other sleek malein the room.

The darkness in his eyes tugged at her. They'd made it work for eight of thenine years they'd had together. That made him special to her. No matter what,he would always be Jimmy's father. They would be together many times duringthe next decades, marking the milestones of their son's life.

That counted for a great deal. But not enough to risk her cobbled-togetherpeace of mind. She'd spent the first half of her life feeling like an unwantedburden. She refused to feel that way again.

"There's something I need you to do for me," she said as she got to her feet.

"Name it." His tone was suddenly so serious it scared her.

"Don't be so quick to agree," she said with a smile that wasn't quite a.s.steady as it should be.

"Anything you want, it's yours. I love you, Ree."

The house seemed to hold its breath as he took a step toward her. The earthyscent of wind and a powerful man's sweat enveloped her as he cupped his handsover her shoulders.

She felt a nearly overpowering need to burrow into his strength and cling,and it shook her to the core. "That's just it, you don't really love me. Youonly think you do, and I'm asking you, please, not to say that you do."

His brows drew together. "Not saying the words won't change how I feel."

The mild tone both annoyed and encouraged her. "What you feel is l.u.s.t. Youwant me physically, and because I'm the mother of your son and you're a verydecent man, you've convinced yourself it's love."

"Sounds like you've made up your mind." His hands were working magic on hershoulders. She wanted to purr.

"Don't," she whispered, her gaze on the pulse beating furiously in the hollowof his sun-bronzed throat. Her own was hammering just as wildly.

"Kiss me, Ree. Just once." His expression was intense, his eyes needy. Shecould swear his hand shook as he pulled the pins from her hair one by one,dropping them to the floor.

He released her shoulders in order to frame her face with his hands. Inch byslow inch he pushed his fingers through her hair until it was fluffing aroundher neck.

"Kiss me, Ree. Give me your sweetness."

She felt the heat of him now, and the need, drawing her in. Promisingexcitement and a soul-shattering pleasure. But at what cost?

More years of struggling not to be hurt when he missed birthdays andanniversaries? Long, lonely nights waiting for him to come home? Emotionalupheaval?

Chaos.

"I can't."

His eyes darkened. "You want to. Your eyes are wild with wanting."

She didn't bother to deny it. What was the point? They both knew he couldmake her burn with merely a look.

"I've wanted your kisses before. I wanted all of you. Your smiles, yourlaughter. Your love. And more. But it's not enough. I want dependability andstability. And I want those things for Jimmy."

His big hand ma.s.saged the spot between her shoulder blades that always madeher crazy. Already s.h.i.+vers were sliding like warm rivulets down her spine.

"I'll give you those things, Ree. I'm a desk jockey now. Some weeks I neverhit the street at all."

"It's too late, Grady. Maybe if Jimmy hadn't been taken, we might have beenable to make it right."

"That's it then? No second chances?"

"I'll always care for you, Grady," she said around the sudden swift rush ofpain. "But I don't love you anymore. What we had is gone."

"For you maybe, but not me. I promised to stick and that's what I'm doing."His jaw took on a harder line. "Those words we said in church, I meant them. Istill do, though G.o.d knows, it doesn't seem to matter."

He let her go so quickly she swayed. "You wanted the divorce."

"Youwanted the divorce," he said in a hard, clipped tone. "I figured you'dbeen through enough, so I signed the papers your lawyer stuck in front of me.But make no mistake, Ree, I didn't want to split up."

She stared at him, unable to believe her ears. Not once, during the torturousprocess of dismantling their marriage had he even hinted he was feeling morethan a certain detached relief.

"What choice did we have?" she said when she realized she had to saysomething. "We were tearing each other apart. A few more months and we wouldhave ended up saying ugly, awful things that neither of us would ever havebeen able to forget." She took a breath. "Or forgive," she added more softly.

He flexed his shoulders, as though shaking off a blow. "We could have hungin. Gotten counseling. Talked it out."

"How could we talk when you were never there?" She hadn't meant to say that."I'm sorry," she said, then smiled sadly. "See, it's starting already." Sheglanced past his shoulder. The house was quiet, the walls well insulated. b.u.t.the cottage walls were thin.

"We can't do this again. If Jimmy should hear, it would destroy everythingwe're trying to accomplish." She touched his arm. It went iron hard, but atleast he didn't flinch. "Agreed?"

"Agreed," he said with a careless movement of one big shoulder.

"That ... that doesn't mean we can't be friends," she a.s.sured him. And herself."For Jimmy's sake."

"Sure, friends." He whipped off his cap and ran a hand through his damp hairbefore sniffing the air. "d.a.m.n, one of us in this room stinks."

She felt a smile tug at her lips. He made it easy to tell herself he wasn'treally hurting. "I'm pretty sure it's not me."

"Guess that leaves me." His grin was crooked and almost careless. Almost."I'll grab a quick shower and then we can work out some more of those houserules."

So much for baring his soul.