The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven Part 10

Alex knew them all by name, and he would carry on conversations with them. John, Vent, and Ryan were names he mentioned. A typical reaction, of course, is to observe that a little boy on a ventilator, who has a baby brother named Ryan, is going to give those names to his imaginary friends. We know that children create imaginary friends to help them cope with new and difficult situations. Pa.s.sing tedious hours in a wheelchair without the use of anything below his neck would surely inspire a child's imagination as a coping mechanism. Couldn't this explain these bizarre angel adventures, as well as the suspiciously familiar names? I wrestled with these doubts for a long time.

In the end, if what we see, hear, or read strains credibility, we must choose whether to believe it. It's not my job to convince you. But in fairness, I'll make this point about the veracity of Alex's claims. Just as when you see a tree swaying mightily in the wind, you know there is a powerful force behind the movement, so the look that comes across Alex's face when he sees angels reveals that he is in powerful yet unseen company.

Margaret, our friend who was in the hospital room when we first became aware of Alex's heavenly visitors, wrote the following words on our Web site after that first amazing experience: "I wish everyone reading these words could see Alex's face. He was truly radiant!"

Radiant, like the face of Stephen, whose face was as bright asan angel's when the Holy Spirit came over him (Acts 6:15). The paths of many people have crossed our own during these months and years-as many as one hundred people have been present during the kinds of experiences I've described. I haven't met a single one who has doubted that Alex was speaking the truth or suspected that he was delusional.

One day when our friend Laryn was at our house playing checkers, I asked, "Laryn, you've heard Alex describe his visits to the heavenly realm. What is your honest opinion ... about what Alex reports?"

"Kevin, I have no earthly idea what that boy is talking about. But the deepest place in my heart that is aware of G.o.d screams screams when Alex's lips move." when Alex's lips move."

That's quite a statement, but I know precisely what he's talking about: Alex's experience has an infectious component to it. You feel feel what he's talking about. what he's talking about.

It's hard to say, "You had to be there" and to expect that to suffice. I can only hope G.o.d's Spirit communicates through our words in this book so that you can picture yourself in the room with my son.

We've come to believe there are angels around our family at all times. The Bible hints at "guardian angels." For example, we read, "For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go" (Psalm 91:11). And Jesus once said about children, "Beware that you don't look down on any of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels are always in the presence of my heavenly Father" (Matthew 18:10). An angel protected Daniel from the lions (Daniel 6:21-22), and when Peter was miraculously released from prison, his friends heard his voice at the door and said, "It must be his angel" (Acts 12:15). It's clear in the Bible that angels often minister, serve, and protect people, but we can't be certain whether there is a lifelong guardian angel for every believer.

We observed a pattern in the ministry of angels to our family. When Alex's life is calm, the angels are silent and discreet, if not altogether absent; when Alex struggles, their activity increases. During his first year home, when we went back and forth to the hospital so often, there was almost daily talk of angels. That pattern actually undermines the idea that angels are the figment of a bored child's imagination-our angels arrive with the problems and excitement. Every single time Alex was in the hospital, I heard about them. When he is at home and doing well, weeks may pa.s.s with no mention ofthem.

I know that we have more courage and less anxiety when we feel the a.s.surance that angels are watching over us. We feel strong in theLord.

But there are other visitors, too-and those aren't as friendly.

From AlexDemonsWe are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.Ephesians 6:12One day I wanted to tell my daddy something important. Itold him that he had to promise me he wouldn't be sad. Thisis not a sad thing, but a happy thing, I said.After he said okay, I told him that there are two days I look forward to more than any others in my life.The first is the day I die. You see, I really can't wait to get home. It's not that I want to die right now; I'm not sad.It's not that I'm sick of all this and want to leave. It's just that Heaven is my home. I want to go back to it.The second is the day when the devil goes to the lake of fire. I can't wait for him to be gone for good.I remember the devil telling me a lie in the car accident: "Your daddy is dead, and it's your fault!" He is the father of lies, and I am so glad I know now that he is a liar.Sometimes I have visitors I don't want to have-my daddy knows the sound of my voice when this is happening, and he comes to pray with me.But I don't always need him to come, since he taught me how to pray. The demons leave when they hear the name of Jesus. Daddy told me about what Jesus taught his followers: "I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy" (Luke 10:19).So I say, "Devil-or demons-in Jesus' name, leave my room and leave this house. By the blood of Jesus, I command you to go. Leave me alone."Once my brother Aaron ended my prayer with, "Bye-bye, Snake Boy!"Sometimes my daddy doesn't know if the evil spirits have left the room-but I always know! There is peace again.My daddy asks me what it is like to be around a demon. Well, it's evil, scary, and ugly! They accuse me of things, bring me doubt, make me feel sad, and tell me I will never be healed and that G.o.d won't protect me.I know these things sound bad, but I also know something much better: "The Spirit who lives in [us] is greater than the spirit who lives in the world" (1John 4:4). My G.o.d is true and faithful and loving. He's perfect!Everyone is curious about the devil, what he looks like. I don't want to talk about this! The devil is scary! But I can tell you a few things.The devil is the ugliest thing imaginable. He has three heads. All the heads are the same and have hair on top made of fire. He's got beaming red eyes with flames for pupils, and his nose is nasty and torn up. Each of the heads speaks different lies at the same time. He speaks to me in English, but his voice is screechy like a witch and changes into different sounds.The devil's mouth is funny looking, with only a few moldy teeth. And I've never noticed any ears.His body has a human form, with two bony arms and two bony legs. He has no flesh on his body, only some moldy stuff. His robes are torn and dirty.I don't know about the color of the skin or robes-it's all just too scary to concentrate on these things!My daddy asked me if the devil takes on different forms when I see him. No. He is always the same freaky devil.The devil usually comes alone. Sometimes I can see him, but usually I just feel him-that's more than enough! It's hard to find the right words for all of this-the devil is truly indescribable.Demons are often green. They have hair made of fire, and their skin and robes are just like the devil's, too. The eyes are the same, and demons have long fingernails. Sometimes they're alone, but they're more likely than the devil to attack in groups.I don't count them or look too closely because it's so scary. When it's angels, I know them and their names, but one demon is just like another to me.What do they do? They walk around telling people lies.There's a spiritual war that never stops-angels against demons.Sometimes I haven't been able to visit Heaven because there was too much warfare going on.

Chapter 9

Endings and Beginnings

I wish you could see his eyes, hear his voice, and sense the fragrance of Heaven about this young and innocent boy, all wrapped up in a few simple words that he shares, and the manner in which he shares them.

The boy who came back from Heaven was the son we knew, but something more. He had been "away from [his] earthly bod[y] ... [and] at home with the Lord" (2Corinthians 5:8), and the experience had changed him forever. It took us some time to understand that.

When Alex emerged from his coma in January 2005, he rejoined our world gradually. It was like seeing someone slowly push out of a fog separating two different realities. He was present without being fully aware. Like a newborn baby, he had to learn how to make sense of this world.

As the days went by, Alex's mind began interpreting the information from his senses. His conscious mind was going back to work. He quickly learned how to communicate, using rudimentary signs for yes and no. Soon he was capable of forming words with his mouth, giving him access to a world of more complex ideas and expressions.

Even at this point, as basic as his messages were, he was signaling to us that he had been to places and seen things that we couldn't imagine. Yet so much was still beyond his ability to explain.

From our perspective, our son had been a sleeping six-year-old boy in a hospital bed. Our prayers were focused simply on bringing him back, on seeing his eyes open, and on being able to tell him we loved him. Then, knowing we serve a loving G.o.d, we dared to hope that the Alex we had raised from infancy, our unique and recognizable Alex, would return to us.

Dwelling in the invisible world had sharpened Alex's spiritual senses far beyond what is ordinary for a little boy. It left him with a powerful longing to be with his Lord and Savior once again, whether in the flesh or in the spirit. It even endowed him with a new sense of humor that was the substance of inner joy.

Even before Alex emerged from the coma, people would come out of his room after prayer and tell us they had experienced something spiritually powerful, just from speaking to G.o.d beside his bed. Today many more are being transformed by Alex and his life. He has opened up just a little bit about what he saw and learned, though there are aspects of it he still won't discuss-in some cases, details about Heaven that he has been told not to share.

+ + +I've been amazed by Alex's closeness to Jesus. One day his dad, Kevin, had a question for me:"Jami, I don't want this to come out wrong, but ... well ... I'm starting to wonder if Alex has something of aprophetic gift. I know it sounds a little funny, but-""Prophetic gift," I interrupted, "you don't have to tell me. Two years ago, after church I was in the foyer pulling onmy coat. I saw Alexin his wheelchair across the foyer and decided to go say hi.We talked for a little bit, and then just asI turned to leave, Alex said, 'Jami, you need to go home andread Deuteronomy 18.'"'Okay, Alex, I'll do it. Can you tell me why I need to read Deuteronomy18?'"'G.o.d told me to tell you your son is coming home.'"I just stared at him, Kevin. How did he know anything about my teenage prodigal son, living in a different city with his father? I had wanted him to come home so much and had been praying for himconstantly. With the child supportall arranged, it was out of the question, not to mention that he wanted wanted to live with his father.But thereAlex was, telling me my son was coming home.It was a bit of a shock to hear, buton the other hand, Alex says a lot ofsurprising things. I said good-bye and hurried home, sat down ina chair,and opened the Bibleto Deuteronomy18. The first verse talks about theestablishment of the Levitical priesthood in the nation of Israel through the tribe of Levi. It took my breath away. Levi is the name of my prodigal teenage son.Two weeks later,my Levi moved back to live with me." to live with his father.But thereAlex was, telling me my son was coming home.It was a bit of a shock to hear, buton the other hand, Alex says a lot ofsurprising things. I said good-bye and hurried home, sat down ina chair,and opened the Bibleto Deuteronomy18. The first verse talks about theestablishment of the Levitical priesthood in the nation of Israel through the tribe of Levi. It took my breath away. Levi is the name of my prodigal teenage son.Two weeks later,my Levi moved back to live with me."

Jami Kreutzer, a family friend from church

In late 2006 and into 2007, Alex began to tell us more about angels, demons, and Heaven itself. We already had a basic understanding of his experience-his trip to Heaven, his encounter with spiritual beings, and so on. We knew he'd had what is commonly called a near-death experience, and we realized he wasn't the first person to come back with such an account. It was true that he had spoken of seeing angels during the time he was emerging from his coma. And we knew miracles had already occurred: the vertebrae in his neck had returned to their normal position without medical intervention, for one thing.

At that point, however, what we knew about the whole matter was only the tip of a vast, astonis.h.i.+ng iceberg. As Alex regained the ability to communicate with more than labored, one-syllable words, he could tell us far more. For instance, Heaven is not the "next" world; it is now now. Heaven is not in "the heavens" or the sky. It is everywhere and nowhere. Alex says it's hard to explain.

Our earthly minds struggle to understand a "place" that is not a place and a "time" with no past, present, or future, but only the eternal now. The earth, the sky, the cosmos, and time-these are things that G.o.d made. They are the home He made for us, and He enters into them to interact with us, but He doesn't live in s.p.a.ce or time. Time will end, and even this universe will end. But G.o.d, His angels, and all of us who accept His gift will live together forever inHeaven.

Yet we didn't view these events as particularly unusual. For us, the time itself was unusual. Watching our son sleep for seven weeks-that was unusual. Our everyday lives had been turned upside down, and in a way, there was was no usual-not for us. When life careens off course, we tend to expect the unexpected. So what was happening around Alex was probably less surprising to us than it may seem to you. no usual-not for us. When life careens off course, we tend to expect the unexpected. So what was happening around Alex was probably less surprising to us than it may seem to you.

The years following Alex's return to our home, then, were about endings and beginnings-it was the end of Alex's coma and our dependence on the hospital. But it was also the beginning to a new and challenging kind of family life. Even more than this, it felt like the beginning of our awareness of another world, the powerful reality that continues to permeate our son's life.

I'm Not Allowed to Tell You "I'm not allowed to tell you." I guess that I've heard that phrase several hundred times during the past five years. You see, I tend to pester Alex with a lot of questions. Who wouldn't? When someone in your household professes to visit Heaven, to see angels, and to watch demons flee, it piques your interest. But Alex doesn't appreciate questions that are asked merely to satisfy a curiosity rather than to draw near to G.o.d. I'm always intrigued by the kinds of questions Alex will answer and the kinds he won't. The details he gives are often surprising and unpredictable-the devil's having three heads when manifesting directly to Alex, for example, or angels' wings that look like "masks." Such things don't come from picture books, movies, or video games.

Alex knows where his boundaries lie, which subjects he is not to reveal. But there are other reasons he chooses not to speak. Alex often says, "Daddy, this isn't about me."

Alex truly doesn't want to make a big deal out of what he has seen. I think that when he first began sharing, he had no idea what the impact would be beyond his mommy and daddy. He is a shy boy, and what seemed to him like a pebble tossed into a lake created ripples that fanned out further than he could have ever expected. He's not crazy about the attention.

He's also well aware that others cannot see what he sees, and I know he wishes they could. I suppose it feels strange for him to know he has the only eyes that see certain realities. It has been said that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Alex definitely has a sight most of us do not, but there is nothing in Alex that enjoys being "king."

When I try to talk to Alex about heavenly things, he is almost always uncomfortable. Some items he isn't permitted to discuss; other times he struggles to find the needed vocabulary. It can be difficult for him to determine what falls into those limited areas and what he can reveal.

Another reason Alex is sometimes reluctant to share all he has seen in Heaven is that he feels as if he's telling everyone, if you will, what's under the gift-wrapping of their Christmas presents. Alex has seen Christmas morning. He's had a sneak peek at wonderful, s.h.i.+ning gifts marked "Do not open before Christmas" for the rest of us. He doesn't want to spoil the great joy we will all experience when we ourselves arrive in Heaven and toss away the ribbons and wrappings.

Thinking about that point, I asked, "What about you, Alex? Will your current experience of Heaven take anything away from the day when you go there forever?"

A ma.s.sive smile came across his face. "No way. I can't wait to go!" That wonderful day pulls upon his heart with an irresistible spiritual magnetism. I then pointed out to him that if Heaven is too wonderful to be spoiled for him, the same could be true for the rest of us. So why not tell us us what's inside a couple of those packages before Christmas? what's inside a couple of those packages before Christmas?

He got the point and became slightly more generous with his details. But some matters remain off the record; his lips are sealed this side of eternity.

One day, as we talked over all these chapters, Alex said, "Daddy, are you sure we should really write this book?"

"Well, I did pray about it, Alex," I said. "But if you're uncomfortable with it, and if G.o.d doesn't give you a clear go-ahead, then we won't publish it. Can you tell me what you're struggling with?"

"I don't want people making a big deal about me."

"Well, I agree with that, and you know, no matter what we do or say, some people are probably going to do that anyway. What we have to share, though, is encouraging others. We want to help them think about G.o.d in new ways, and we want to bring honor and glory to His name. Even if some people make a big deal over you, won't it be worth it if many, many more of them make a big deal over Jesus?"

Alex remained quiet, betraying a continuing sense of unease.

"Alex," I began, attempting to help him see a broader picture, "some people in the Bible saw Heaven too. Take John, for instance. He traveled to Heaven and saw amazing things that he came back and wrote about for millions and millions of people to read. People are encouraged when they read about Heaven because they get a glimpse of the awesome majesty of G.o.d and are reminded that Heaven is a real place. In Revelation4, John tells about how he saw angels with six wings-"

"I saw that!" Alex grinned.

I asked him to tell me more ... and you have now heard his testimony in this book. We hope it brings the majesty of G.o.d alive for you in new ways so that your life can continue to grow in disciples.h.i.+p to Christ.

Alex is always delighted to discover that what he has seen is also described in the Bible. Naturally, Beth and I know exactly what Alex has and hasn't learned about the Bible, since we're the ones who have taught him from birth. And Alex has described countless details about Heaven that we know he had not previously learned from the Bible. For example, we never taught him the book of Revelation. We spent our time with Alex in the Gospel of John.

"Daddy, I'm just a kid!" Alex says. "I don't know all the stuff that's in the Bible. I just know what Jesus shows me."

Alex's Trips to Heaven Continue Perhaps by now it is clear that Alex has been to Heaven several times, but the first trip on the day of the accident was different from what occurs now. At the time of the accident, Alex proceeded through a tunnel of light and had a series of interactions with angels and with G.o.d. At that time, he could also observe earthly events such as what happened at the accident site (even after the MedFlight chopper had already taken his body from the scene) and the emergency room, where he and Jesus watched as doctors operated on Alex's own body. He remembers the discussions concerning whether he would stay in Heaven or return to earth. Many of these reports seem fantastical, but they are not unprecedented in the realm of near-death/life-after-death experiences. Others who have gone to Heaven have described many details similar to Alex's experiences.

Alex's experiences have one major difference, however: he still periodically goes to Heaven. When does this happen? Mostly in his sleep. It also happens occasionally when he lies in bed awake. There's a certain regularity about how the visits progress. He arrives just inside the gates. He talks with the angels who stand guard. Those angels are usually buzzing with excitement about the day when Jesus will return to earth. And as usual, they always tell Alex not to beafraid.

"Alex, why do the angels always tell you not to be afraid? What do you think they are referring to?"

"I think the angels are talking about the glory of G.o.d."

This answer is consistent with Scripture. These powerful angels know they are talking to a human being, who is unaccustomed to the magnificence and unfiltered glory of G.o.d-what the Bible calls the shekinah shekinah. The Lord once granted Moses his request to see the awesome glory of G.o.d. But G.o.d told Moses to stand in a cleft of the rock as His glory pa.s.sed by, and G.o.d protected him with His hand. Moses couldn't look upon the face of G.o.d and live. When Moses came down Mount Sinai to rejoin his people, Moses' face was glowing with G.o.d's reflected glory, and the Bible tells us that when the Israelites "saw the radiance of Moses' face, they were afraid to come near him" (Exodus 34:30).

+ + +G.o.d knows how to extend grace to sustain a person. He has away of bringing out glory from every situation, so I don't think it's so far-reaching that a loving G.o.d, a graceful Lord Jesus Christ, would touch a young man's life and show himthings.At the same time, we believe that the Bible is infallible. The Word of G.o.d is the final statement, and all things must be filtered through it. So if Alex says he's seen Heaven, we have to go through Scripture and ask, "Has anyone else seen Heaven?" And if that answer is yes, and since Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever, then it can be yes today. And that's the basis from which we evaluate all revelation-whether we're skeptical or whether we're believing-we evaluate all revelation from the Word of G.o.d. If G.o.d has done it before, He can do it again.

Pastor Robin Ricks, Christ Our King Church

Or consider those shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night when Jesus was born. "An angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them. They were terrified" (Luke 2:9). There are many angelic visits recorded in Scripture where people were frightened at the sight of angels. No wonder the angels of Heaven are worried about a little visitor's reaction to the glory of G.o.d.

Next Alex will enter the Temple and speak to G.o.d Himself. On the way, he may speak to other angels, or he may not.

"Alex, when you move about in Heaven-"

"I can move by my own power there. My legs work perfectly in Heaven," he smiles. "On earth, I can't walk or move around, but it's different in Heaven."

+ + +Everyone has a purpose, and Alex's purpose is to spread G.o.d's Word. ... Ilost my buddy for a while, but it is worth it because of all the people that will come to Jesus.Aaron Malarkey, Alex's brother+ + + How wonderful to know that G.o.d's grace offers Alex a place where he can have the full movement he was created to have, as well as a foretaste of the perfection he will one day enjoy!

Even in Heaven Alex doesn't have the perfect "resurrection body" that Paul describes in the New Testament. He is a visitor who still has his earthly body; it's simply free of human wounds there. Alex eagerly antic.i.p.ates the day when he is in Heaven to stay and will finally receive his heavenly body.

Alex converses with G.o.d until the Lord tells him the visit is finished. Sometimes other angels are in the meetings, and sometimes it is only G.o.d and Alex.

"Alex, do you miss G.o.d when you're here?"

"No, Daddy, it's the opposite. I miss G.o.d when I am with with Him, because I know I'm going to be away from Him, and I never want to leave. It's sort of like right now, Daddy. You're getting ready to go to your office, and I'm already starting to miss you. That's how it is when I'm with G.o.d. I can't wait until I just get to stay. You can't imagine what it's like to be with G.o.d, but to also know you're going to have to leave. That's why when I return from Heaven I usually cry." Him, because I know I'm going to be away from Him, and I never want to leave. It's sort of like right now, Daddy. You're getting ready to go to your office, and I'm already starting to miss you. That's how it is when I'm with G.o.d. I can't wait until I just get to stay. You can't imagine what it's like to be with G.o.d, but to also know you're going to have to leave. That's why when I return from Heaven I usually cry."

Alex also has an ongoing connection with Heaven in his prayer life. A few years ago, when I was wrestling with a particular issue, I did what has become natural to me: I prayed about it. Then, just before leaving to go to work, I asked Alex, "When you are praying today, would you remember to pray for me?"

Alex looked at me with a penetrating gaze and said, "Daddy, I'm always in prayer because part of my brain, through the Holy Spirit, is in constant communication with Heaven. My mouth is for talking to people."

+ + + + + +I went to learn from Alex about G.o.d.Pastor Robin Ricks, pastor ofChrist Our King Church+ + + My mind immediately went to the verse in the Bible that says to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). I had always thought it meant we should pray a lot a lot, but somehow Alex's words caused me to better understand the continuous nature of communion the verse is calling us to.

My Meeting with an Angel Thanks to Alex, talk of the presence of angels, demons, and the devil became commonplace in our home-hardly anything to cause alarm. By the middle of 2006, I thought I had seen and heard just about everything regarding the spiritual realm; nothing could surprise me. We always took these visitations seriously, but they no longer elicited astonishment. Then on a warm summer evening in 2006, Alex said, "Daddy, there is an angel in our house, and he wants to talk with you."

I admit it: I was caught off guard .. . again, for the thousandth time. Unsure of how to respond, I laughed a little nervously and said, "Wait a minute, Alex, you're the one who's the 'angel boy,' not me!"

Alex looked at me matter-of-factly, completely ignoring my evasion."It's the angel John who is asking for you."

"His name is John? Can you tell me anything else about him?"

"Well, you've already met him, sort of. He helped the other angels pull you out of the car when we had our accident. There were five angels who carried you, and John was one of them. He's the one who held your head."

"I never knew that, Alex. And he has come back?"

"No, not really. He is here all the time. He follows you around a lot."

Still a bit nervous, I said, "What do you want me to do, Alex?"

"Just look for him, Daddy! He's right here."

"Alex, I can't see angels the way you can." Alex's experience with angels is so familiar to him that he takes it all for granted, often forgetting that others don't see as he sees.

His brow furrowed, and I could tell his mental gears were turning.

"Daddy, what is that word that means you can see through something?"

"Um ... transparent transparent?"

"Yes, Daddy, that's it. Just try to be transparent in your spirit. Then you'll see the angel."

Oh, that's all I had to do, just be transparent in my spirit in my spirit. For Alex, it was as simple as that. But what did that mean? I struggled to get my mind around what Alex was trying to explain, but after a few minutes of intense concentration, all I saw was what everyone with "normal" vision sees upon entering our house-a living room with furniture. I felt spiritually uncoordinated. My son couldn't function in the physical world, but I was handicapped in the spiritual world. Who had the greater disability?

A strong sense of disappointment settled over me. I have learned to trust Alex when he makes these kinds of proclamations, but something was hindering my receiving what G.o.d had for me.

"Alex, I need to take out the trash. I'll see you in a few minutes."

Alex, who had been studying my face, sensed my low spirits. "Daddy, don't give up on seeing John, okay?"

Alex always wanted Beth and me to enter the spiritual realm with him-to experience what he experienced and to see what he saw.

"I'll keep trying," I said. "I'll do my best."

Taking the Malarkey trash bins to the street takes effort. Our driveway is about a tenth of a mile long. After walking to the end of the driveway, I paused in the growing dusk. It was a beautiful evening. I waited and listened and heard ... a chorus of crickets.

I really was trying, because I believed Alex. There were too many times he had spoken into people's lives, too many times he had direct experiences with angels, too many miracles to doubt that G.o.d had opened to Alex some rare window into the heavenly realm. Surely if an angel had a message from G.o.d to deliver to me, I must have the ability to see or hear it. I slowly lifted my heart and my hands to Heaven. "G.o.d, I am here. If You want to say something to me through one of Your angels, I am willing to receive any experience You want me to have."