The Cocaine Chronicles Part 14

After that there were others, some the same ones who had come for my mother. Chester told me I had to earn my room and board, kept my pockets stuffed with condoms, held clean cloths against me after as I bled and bled. He bought me new clothes, tight things it embarra.s.sed me to wear. He sits in the parking lot or the coffee shop now and waits, talks to the men and gets their money when they're through. They don't leave, though, he won't let them leave, until I tell him they didn't hit me, and that they put on the condom I offered. They're all different, those men-some never say a word to me, some use language my mother would have covered my ears against, some talk to me awhile, before and after. Some bring a flask or bottle into the room, some the little plastic bags that Chester sells them. Most of them drive nice cars and dress in suits, sneaking over from their downtown offices on their lunch breaks. Two of them are lawyers, one works in a bank, another does something in movies.

Sometimes they're young, no bristle of beard against my cheek, but most of them are older than Chester.

When I'm with them I try to listen to the sounds of the freeway, or to count, and not think about my mother, or what she would do if she knew what was happening. I look away when they take out their mirrors or their little gla.s.s pipes, and as soon as they leave, I run to the shower and scrub myself all over until it hurts. It doesn't matter, though. The dirt's under my skin, and I can't seem to get it off me. The bed smells like the men, and me, and I don't want to sleep there; I curl up at night on the floor. Chester started buying me more food to fatten me up-spaghetti and bread and milkshakes-but it doesn't work, I can't keep it down anymore, even when I eat alone. I think of running away, but if my mother comes back she wouldn't be able to find me. So I stay.

Once a week Chester takes me somewhere nice, the movies or the mall or the beach. He buys me things-a radio, a small stuffed pig to sleep with. One time he even took out a pipe and asked if I wanted something to make me feel better. But I just shook my head no, because I saw what that did; I knew what it could do to me. Chester tries to get me to talk, but I don't say much, and I never laugh at his stupid jokes. Sometimes when we're driving around, I look out the window and start to cry, and he looks over at me between sips of his c.o.ke-can beer. "Why you so sad?" he asks. "I take good care of you, don't I? s.h.i.+t, at least you ain't out on the streets."

At 12:10 we pull up beside the schoolyard. I get out of the car to wait the five minutes till the kids come out, hoping Yvonne will be with them. She doesn't disappoint me. She steps out the door and smiles so wide I can see her teeth all the way across the schoolyard. As she comes toward me, I notice for the first time how she always walks a little awkwardly, faltering now and then, like her body's a borrowed car she isn't sure how to handle.

"Hi," she says, "I missed you yesterday."

"I was sick," I say. That isn't true. I was in the motel room with the banker.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah."

"Want a candy bar?" She takes a Mars bar out of her pocket and sticks it through the fence. I take it. There are no Marys on the concrete today, but two on the side of the building. They're bigger than Yvonne, but nothing's in them, they're just outlines-cold, white, untouchable. "Aren't those clothes a little old for you?" she asks. She looks at me kind of sideways, then she glances toward the car.

"They're all I got," I say, and I start to tell her that Chester picked them out for me, but don't.

She looks over at the car again. "Listen," she says softly, "do you need some food? Some clothes? Cos I've got a whole bunch of stuff at home I could-"

"No thanks," I say, and I look quickly behind me. Chester's watching us now, his forehead wrinkled, his hands wrapped tight around the wheel.

Yvonne looks like she's about to say something else but then three little boys run up to her. They're cute, smiling and huffing, and they only come up to her waist. One of them makes a high, weird, wavering noise, and another answers him the same way; they sound like whales talking underwater. The first one holds his arms out toward Yvonne, asking to be picked up.

"Hey, handsome," Yvonne says, and then, "You're a little old for this, Miguel," but she picks him up anyway. She turns to me again, and the two boys on either side of her tug at the legs of her shorts.

"Hi, guys," I say. They all keep staring at Yvonne and don't say anything. I look at her. "Hey, how come the kids never answer when I talk to them?" I ask.

Yvonne looks at me like she's surprised at the question. "Don't you know?" she says, smiling. "They're deaf."

It's the mornings I think most about my sister. The picture my mother brought is still in the room, and when the men come in, I turn it face down on the dresser. Early mornings I have time, though, and I sit and look at it awhile. It was taken two years ago, when Tammy was three. She's laughing in it and looking off at something above the camera, and I remember the day it was taken, a Sat.u.r.day, and that we all went out for ice cream after. When the picture was made and framed, we showed it to Tammy. She'd never seen a picture of herself before and she didn't believe it was her.

What happened was that Tammy came down with something, maybe pneumonia, no one ever knew for sure. She got a real high fever and my mother pressed ice bags to her head, put her in a tub full of cold water, but nothing brought her temperature down. My mother had no insurance, and we couldn't afford a doctor. Three days after she took sick, Tammy died. My mother went a little crazy after that, shaking Tammy like she could shake her alive, my sister's head flopping forward like that Raggedy Ann's. It was a few days later that we up and left for L.A.

One Friday we get to the school a little late. The kids have eaten already, and a bunch of them are climbing on the jungle gym. Yvonne stands next to them, laughing out loud and talking although she knows they can't hear. I look at the way the sun s.h.i.+nes off her hair, the way she stands so straight and proud, and I think of how lucky she is, how she has everything, or at least she can someday. I get out of the car and go to the fence, and when she sees me, she starts to walk over.

"I brought you a candy bar," I say, and I have, a Milky Way that one of the lawyers gave me. But when I reach into my pocket, I pull a condom out, too, and the blue square of foil flutters down my leg and lands in front of my feet.

Yvonne sees it and her eyes get wide. "Is that yours?" she asks.

I keep my head down, not able to look at her, and I want to say I'm sorry. I can't seem to hold my face together, and I feel the tears begin to come. "Not exactly. I mean . . ." I move my shoulders a bit, half-nod in the direction of Chester. She doesn't say anything, and I finally bring myself to glance at her. She looks like she can't believe it, but like she has has to believe it, and then she steps up close to the fence. to believe it, and then she steps up close to the fence.

"Why don't you come in here?" she says. "Let me call someone. Go around to the front of the building and come in."

Just then I hear the car door slam, and Chester yells, "Hey!"

I turn and look at him; he saw the condom fall, or maybe he heard Yvonne. He starts to walk over, glaring at me, hands open like he's ready to catch something.

"Come on, come in the school," Yvonne urges quietly, but I can't move, I feel stuck, and Chester's getting closer. When he's right behind me, I stick my fingers through the squares of the fence.

"Hey, girl, let's go!" Chester says, but I tighten my grip, and then I feel him grab the back of my s.h.i.+rt, pull so hard it starts to tear.

"Stop it, leave her alone!" Yvonne says, but Chester just ignores her, and starts pounding my fingers, hard metal cutting into my flesh.

Yvonne reaches out with both her hands and touches my fingers, hooked down to the second knuckle through the squares; it's the warmest touch I've felt in weeks, and I want to close my eyes and fall into it. But Chester's yanking at my shoulders now and I think, I hate this man, I hate him I hate this man, I hate him, and I think, Please let me squeeze through these squares so I can be safe with Yvonne Please let me squeeze through these squares so I can be safe with Yvonne. And I think how nice it would be to play in the schoolyard with the kids, who are finally looking over at us now, but my fingers are getting tired and the metal starts to hurt and he's pulling even harder and I let go.

Chester falls backward with the weight of me, but then he gets his balance again. He goes up to the fence and punches out at Yvonne, slams his fist against the metal so hard I see the blood on his hand when he pulls away. He drags me to the car, and I look back at Yvonne, her foot on the head of a Mary and her fingers looped through the fence where my hands just were. Chester throws me into the front seat and then shoves himself in after me, screeches away from the curb. He raises his hand, and I expect to feel it any second, but although his fist is clenched, he doesn't hit me. "G.o.dd.a.m.nit, girl," he says, "we're never going back there."

And as he puts his hand back on the wheel and cuts hard around a corner, I look at him and say, "Where's my mother?"

"I don't know know!" he yells, swerving into the middle lane, and then, again, softer, "I don't know."

I turn from him and look out the window, toward downtown, toward D.C., and I know that she's not coming back. Chester keeps driving, breathing heavy, and I don't say anything. But when we stop at a red light, I open the door and jump out of the car.

"Hey!" Chester yells, but I'm running already, toward the sidewalk, where I'll turn right, go down the block. I hear him get out and start after me, hear the honks of the people stuck behind his car. I'm on the sidewalk now, on Venice, heading west toward the school and Yvonne. Chester's not far behind; he's faster than I thought. We pa.s.s a taco place, a liquor store, a place that sells car radios. Chester's breathing hard, and every second or two I hear another sc.r.a.p of his shouts: "Get . . . back here . . . girl! You . . . can't . . . get away!" And maybe he's right-my lungs hurt and I'm tired; maybe he'll catch up with me and take me back to the motel and it'll all start over again. But right now, this second, the wind is cool and the sky is clear; right now, I've left him behind me and I'm free.

Florence Hernandez-Ramos

MANUEL RAMOS MANUEL RAMOS has published several crime-fiction novels including the Edgar Award finalist has published several crime-fiction novels including the Edgar Award finalist The Ballad of Rocky Ruiz The Ballad of Rocky Ruiz and a noir-tinged private-eye saga, and a noir-tinged private-eye saga, Moony's Road to h.e.l.l. Moony's Road to h.e.l.l. He lives in Denver, Colorado, where he is an attorney with the state's legal-aid program. His current writing project is a collection of short stories. He lives in Denver, Colorado, where he is an attorney with the state's legal-aid program. His current writing project is a collection of short stories.

sentimental value

by manuel ramos

The Sunday insert, tucked in among the comics and grocery 1988 1988 coupons, had a three-page, color baseball article. coupons, had a three-page, color baseball article.

Latin American Ball Players. Latin Stars of the National Pastime. The Latin American Connection. Latin? Latin?

Plenty of hype about the current crop of players. Sure, they were good. Who wouldn't want Canseco, or Valenzuela? And some of them born in the States. But they couldn't even be bat boys for Cepeda, Aparicio, Marichal, or Zorro-Zoilo Versalles, MVP that year it all changed for Ray. He had read about these players when he was growing up, had kept their cardboard images in a box with his glove. They were the men who inspired the skinny, quiet Raymond Lopez.

He had been fast. Fifty stolen bases his senior year, good hands, a better bat. Ah, but his arm. A toda madre! A cannon that made him famous, a starter for four years at North High, and a City League All-Star right fielder. That arm generated a couple of calls from bald short guys in plaid sport coats who said they were scouts. Talk about characters! Smoking their smelly cigars, going on about the big leagues like Ray was the next bonus baby and it was right around the corner.

"Just sign this contract and we'll hook you up in the Instructional League, buy your momma a house one of these days, boy. A little extra in it (and for you, too, Mr. Scout, as long as you got my name on a piece of paper that locks me in forever, but if, just if, mind you, if I don't cut it, phfft! So long, boy!). We'll even cover your bus ticket to spring training."

Mama wanted Ray to continue with school, a community college, and that was fine with the scouts, but they couldn't provide any help.

"Let's see how you do against stiffer compet.i.tion, boy, then we can talk about financial a.s.sistance."

And the scouts shook their heads, flicked the ashes off their cigars, and walked away, muttering about the waste of time, late for the next Latin or black or farm kid with the strong arm, fast legs, quick bat.

Clemente. Had to be included. Roberto Clemente. Nice picture, good-looking guy, for a P.R. First Latin in the Hall of Fame.

Exactly 3,000 hits. Lifetime .317. Played in fourteen World Series games and hit in every one. The long throw to Sanguillen at home, right on the money, and you're out you're out! Yeah, yeah, everyone knew about the New Year's Eve mercy mission, the horrible plane crash, and the special election to the Hall of Fame. So what? Ray knew what was really important about Clemente.

No mention, this time, of how they all hated him. Even Ray understood that and he was just a kid during that 1960 season when the writers bypa.s.sed "Bob" for MVP and gave it to Groat.

Clemente had to wait six years, and by then Ray had forgotten about a baseball career.

The usual quote not included.

"The Latin player doesn't get the recognition he deserves. Neither does the Negro unless he does something really spectacular."

Not that kind of feature.

Ray trimmed the pages of the article, carefully applied glue to the edges, and gently centered them in a sc.r.a.pbook. He waited for the glue to dry, took one last look at Clemente, then returned the sc.r.a.pbook to the makes.h.i.+ft shelf where it sat with a dozen other sc.r.a.pbooks. He threw the rest of the paper in the trash. It was time for Christina and he had to get ready. He pushed himself into the bathroom and began the ordeal of cleaning his body.

The hot towel felt good on his arms and chest. Of course, he couldn't feel it on his legs, what was left of them. Only three weeks since her last visit and he was h.o.r.n.y as a teenage kid. Business had been good, thank G.o.d. Pumping his sax for the tourists down in LoDo might not sound like a real gig, but he made enough to pay the rent on his dump, eat a couple times a day, and every once in a while buy a bottle of Old Crow, or something close.

He antic.i.p.ated her touch, her mouth, the feel of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s in his hands, the sounds she made when he worked his Chicano magic on her. G.o.d, he was hot already. Think of something else, man, don't get too worked up or Christina won't have anything to do.

Lefty Gomez, half-Spanish, half-Irish. Ray couldn't believe it when he read about Lefty in the Baseball Almanac Baseball Almanac. He a.s.sumed that the great Yankee pitcher, winner of the first All-Star Game, was a Chicano from California (he wouldn't have been Chicano, of course-what would they have called him back then?), but there it was, half-Spanish, half-Irish. A cover? Apparently not. "El Gomez," "Goofy." Colorful nicknames for a colorful personality, everyone said. One of the greatest, but Ray still felt disappointment because Lefty wasn't raza.

Ray had a way with baseball. He knew from the day he picked up a bat and hit his father's first toss back at the old man and knocked him on his b.u.t.t. Ray, Sr. shouted, "Wise a.s.s," and threw him some smoke. Ray swung and missed, but he stood his ground and the old man got this gleam in his eyes and a smile about a mile wide, and then he tried a curve and d.a.m.n if little Ray didn't drill it in the direction of first base. Ray, Sr. couldn't spend a lot of time with little Ray, working at night, on the weekends, or on the road, doing anything to hustle a buck, but when he had a few hours they gathered the mitts and b.a.l.l.s and bats he had scrounged from second-hand stores and junk dealers, and father and son played ball.

Ray slipped on his cleanest s.h.i.+rt. Christina liked him to be fresh and neat, she demanded it, and at fifty bucks a shot he thought he should try to maintain some standards. She was his last luxury, his only extravagance.

Why would the old man, a wetback orphan with a wife and three of his own kids before he was twenty years old, on the edge of big-city desperation, pick up on American baseball? It could be something as simple as playing the game in an overgrown field somewhere on the outskirts of Durango, Mexico. Sneaking in to watch winter ball. Sal Maglie and those other gabacho players who told the Major Leagues to get screwed, for a couple of years anyway, and then crossed the border to keep in shape, make their fortunes, until they realized where their bread really was b.u.t.tered. Or it could be-he never let on-that the old man understood the more complex things in life, like the fact that his kids were definitely not Mexicans, and although they carried tags like Chicano or cholo or pachuco, they were American, even if he wasn't, just not quite as American as the snot-nosed, blond-haired children who wanted to play with little Ray, and what could be more American than baseball?

Nah. The old man just liked to play ball.

He rushed to the door when he heard the knock. Christina waited for him, smiling.

"Ray, how've you been? We got to get together more often, baby. I kind of missed you."

Christina earned her money. She bent over and planted a kiss on Ray's lips that almost raised him out of the chair, a crane lifting steel girders. She tongued him, rubbed his back, brought him back to life-miracle worker, Christina!-then eased up.

"How about a drink, Ray? I got some time."

Ray poured the last two shots from his bottle, then pulled two beers from the fridge and twisted off the tops with an easy flick. His meaty arms and thick wrists looked as if they could swing a forty-ounce bat with the precision of Ernie Banks.

"How's your boy, Christina? Haven't seen little Julian for months. Must be big, eh?"

"Jules, Ray. His name's Jules. He ain't no Spanish kid. He's a terror. Can't keep up with him. He's got all this energy, the terrible twos."

She swallowed the shot in one gulp and sipped the beer.

Ray could see the tiredness around her eyes, but he didn't check her out too closely. She was sensitive about her looks. Ray thought she was fine. She liked to show her legs. She wore tight skirts with slits up the side, or skirts so short that Ray knew before they had a date that she had a rose tattooed on her thigh. Ray told her often that she would be surprised how good she would look and feel if she laid off the c.o.ke. She needed it, she would answer with a grunt. Her line of work required something to get over, something to take off the edge.

In any event, she was getting old, she said, especially for what she did, and the extra dose of "fire in the blood" kept her on her feet-and her back.

But d.a.m.n, Ray was already in his forties, what the h.e.l.l can you do about getting old? Did Ray, Sr. get old, was he even alive, did he ever think about playing catch with little Ray?

"Bring him by, Christina. I'll show him my sc.r.a.pbooks, teach him how to play ball."

"Oh, Ray. He's too little. He'll tear up your books. Maybe when he's older. You guys can play catch or something. Or teach him how to play some music."

Sure, Christina, whatever.

She stretched a line of powder on his wobbly table and snorted it quicker than Ray could get it together to object.

"Oh yeah," she whispered.

Her eyes glazed and a faint reddish tint crept up her jaw line. She breathed deeply for a few minutes, then she shook her head and gave Ray one of the smiles that filled his dreams. She walked around the room, stepping out of pieces of clothing, and Ray watched in silence. He loved it when she stripped for him. Lacy black things with hooks and straps hung on her skin, jiggling when she moved slowly toward him. The rose sat like a bruise on her leg, warm and swollen, ready for his caress. She stood at the edge of his desk, turned away from him so that he could watch her wiggle her a.s.s.

"Ray, you never showed me this. Wha's it?"

She held a baseball in her hands.

"Uh, Christina, be careful. My old man got me that. Here, give it to me."

And although he didn't want to ruin the mood, he rolled to her with a little too much speed, a little too much urgency in his response, and s.n.a.t.c.hed the ball from her hand.

"Is jus' a ball, ain't it?" Her words slipped out half-formed. She wasn't wiggling anymore.

Ray relented. He handed it back to Christina.

"All right. But be careful. See, there it is, Roberto Clemente's autograph. The old man got it for me one time when he worked in L.A. Clemente signed it before a game with the Dodgers. He's dead, you know."

"Your old man?"

"Clemente. Plane crash. The ball's worth a lot of money. But it's about the only thing I got from my old man, so it's kind of special to me."

Christina returned the ball to its s.p.a.ce on Ray's desk.

"You kept it all these years? How old's it?"

"Early sixties. I was a kid. Actually, I lost it, didn't know what the h.e.l.l happened to it. But when my mother died, I came back from 'Nam for the funeral, and there it was in a box with her rosaries, pictures, and mantillas. She didn't have much. For some reason she kept this old ball."

Christina watched him drift away. His scarred face saddened, his body slumped in the wheelchair. She took his head in her hands and held him against her, smoothed the strands of wispy hair, and helped Ray in the only way she knew.