The Monikins Part 27

The queen's advocate made a bitter attack on the animus of the unfortunate prisoner. He described her majesty as a paragon of excellences; as the depositary of all the monikin virtues, and the model of her s.e.x. "If she, who was so justly celebrated for the gifts of charity, meekness, religion, justice, and submission to feminine duties, had no memory," he asked leave to demand, in the name of G.o.d, who had?

"Without a memory, in what manner was this ill.u.s.trious personage to recall her duties to her royal consort, her duties to her royal offspring, her duties to her royal self? Memory was peculiarly a royal attribute; and without its possession no one could properly be deemed of high and ancient lineage. Memory referred to the past, and the consideration due to royalty was scarcely ever a present consideration, but a consideration connected with the past. We venerated the past. Time was divided into the past, present, and future. The past was invariably a monarchical interest--the present was claimed by republicans--the future belonged to fate. If it were decided that the queen had no memory, we should strike a blow at royalty. It was by memory, as connected with the public archives, that the king derived his t.i.tle to his throne; it was by memory, which recalled the deeds of his ancestors, that he became ent.i.tled to our most profound respect."

In this manner did the queen's attorney-general speak for about an hour, when he gave way to the counsel for the prisoner. But, to my great surprise, for I knew that this accusation was much the gravest of the two, since the head of Noah would be the price of conviction, my brother Downright, instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I had fully antic.i.p.ated, merely said a few words, in which he expressed so firm a confidence in the acquittal of his client, as to appear to think a further defence altogether unnecessary. He had no sooner seated himself, than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction with this course, and avowed an intention to make an effort in behalf of my poor friend, myself.

"Keep silence, Sir John," whispered my brother Downright; "the advocate who makes many unsuccessful applications gets to be disrespected. I charge myself with the care of the lord high admiral's interests; at the proper time they shall be duly attended to."

Having the profoundest respect for the brigadier's legal attainments, and no great confidence in my own, I was fain to submit. In the meantime, the business of the court proceeded; and the jury, having received a short charge from the bench, which was quite as impartial as a positive injunction to convict could very well be, again rendered the verdict of "guilty."

In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to wear clothes, it is also esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high functionaries to adorn their persons with suitable badges of their official rank. We have already had an account of the hierarchy of tails, and a general description of the mantle composed of tenth-hairs; but I had forgotten to say that both my lord chief-justice and Baron Longbeard had tail-cases made of the skins of deceased monikins, which gave the appearance of greater development to their intellectual organs, and most probably had some influence in the way of coddling their brains, which required great care and attention on account of incessant use. They now drew over these tail-cases a sort of box-coat of a very bloodthirsty color, which, we were given to understand, was a sign that they were in earnest, and about to p.r.o.nounce sentence; justice in Leaphigh being of singularly bloodthirsty habits.

"Prisoner at the bar," the chief-justice began, in a voice of reproof, "you have heard the decision of your peers. You have been arraigned and tried on the heinous charge of having accused the sovereign of this realm of being in possession of the faculty called 'a memory,' thereby endangering the peace of society, unsettling the social relations, and setting a dangerous example of insubordination and of contempt of the laws. Of this crime, after a singularly patient and impartial hearing, you have been found guilty. The law allows the court no discretion in the case. It is my duty to pa.s.s sentence forthwith; and I now solemnly ask you, if you have anything to say why sentence of decaudization should not be p.r.o.nounced against you." Here the chief-justice took just time enough to gape, and then proceeded--"You are right in throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which better knows what is fittest for you, than you can possibly know for yourself. You will be taken, Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forthwith, to the centre of the public square, between the hours of sunrise and sunset of this day, where your cauda will be cut off; and after it has been divided into four parts, a part will be exposed towards each of the cardinal points of the compa.s.s; and the brush thereof being consumed by fire, the ashes will be thrown into your face, and this without benefit of clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your soul!"

"Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color," put in Baron Longbeard, without giving the culprit breathing-time, "you have been indicted, tried, and found guilty of the enormous crime of charging the queen-consort of this realm of being wanting in the ordinary, important, and every-day faculty of a memory. Have you anything to say why sentence should not be forthwith pa.s.sed against you? No; I am sure you are very right in throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which is quite disposed to show you all that is in its power, which happens, in this case, to be none at all. I need not dwell on the gravity of your offence. If the law should allow that the queen has no memory, other females might put in claims to the same privilege, and society would become a chaos. Marriage vows, duties, affections, and all our nearest and dearest interests would be unhinged, and this pleasant state of being would degenerate into a moral, or rather an immoral pandemonium.

Keeping in view these all-important considerations, and more especially the imperativeness of the law, which does not admit of discretion, the court sentences you to be carried hence, without delay, to the centre of the great square, where your head will be severed from your body by the public executioner, without benefit of clergy; after which your remains are to be consigned to the public hospitals for the purposes of dissection."

The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard's mouth, before both the attorneys-general started up, to move the court in behalf of the separate dignities of their respective princ.i.p.als. Mr. Attorney-General of the crown prayed the court so far to amend its sentence, as to give precedency to the punishment on account of the offence against the king; and Mr. Attorney-General for the queen, to pray the court it would not be so far forgetful of her majesty's rights and dignity, as to establish a precedent so destructive of both. I caught a glimpse of hope glancing about the eyes of my brother Downright, who, waiting just long enough to let the two advocates warm themselves over these points of law, arose and moved the court for a stay of execution, on the plea that neither sentence was legal--that delivered by my lord chief-justice containing a contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered the decaudization to take place between THE HOURS OF SUNRISE AND SUNSET, and also FORTHWITH; and that delivered by Baron Longbeard, on account of its ordering the body to be given up to dissection, contrary to the law, which merely made that provision in the case of condemned MONIKINS, the prisoner at the bar being entirely of another species.

The court deemed all these objections serious, but decided on its own incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was a question for the twelve judges, who were now on the point of a.s.sembling, and to whom they referred the whole affair on appeal. In the meantime, justice could not be stayed. The prisoner must be carried out into the square, and matters must proceed; but, should either of the points be finally determined in his favor, he could have the benefit of it, so far as circ.u.mstances would then allow. Hereupon the court rose, and the judges, counsel, and clerks repaired in a body to the hall of the twelve judges.

CHAPTER XXI. BETTER AND BETTER--MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE--TAILS AND HEADS: THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE.

Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where I promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh, curiosity inducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The brigadier told me in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that the affair was now getting to be one of great interest; that hitherto it had been mere boy's play, but it would in future require counsel of great reading and research to handle the arguments, and that he flattered himself there was a good occasion likely to present itself, for him to show what monikin reason really was.

The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they presented a formidable array of intellectual development. As the cause of Noah was admitted to be one of more than common urgency, after hearing only three or four other short applications on behalf of the crown, whose rights always have precedence on such occasions, the attorney-general of the king was desired to open his case.

The learned counsel spoke, in antic.i.p.ation, to the objections of both his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright.

Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four hours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus, forthwith of a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at noon, would mean at noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover, in a legal signification, forthwith must mean between sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding that all executions shall take place by the light of the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified and confirmed each other, instead of conveying a contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would most probably be contended by the opposite counsel.

To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions, objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period when the whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant between sunrise and sunset; which might be immediately, or might not.

On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did not mean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose; and fifthly, that the objection was of no avail, as respected the case of No. 1, sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal lose his tail forthwith.

The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and monikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men, or some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the sentence be confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the soundest of the two; for I had often had occasion to observe, that there were very startling points of resemblance between monkeys and our own species.

The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in earnest; and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a lively--I may say an engrossing--interest in all the hearers. It was settled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in favor of the king, whose royal dignity the twelve judges were unanimously of opinion was ent.i.tled to precedency over that of the queen. To my great surprise, my brother Downright volunteered an argument on this intricate point, making an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the king's dignity, as was admitted by every one who heard it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into the culprit's face. It is true this might be done physically after decapitation, but it could not be done morally. This part of the punishment was designed for a moral effect; and to produce that effect, consciousness and shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act of throwing the ashes into the face of the criminal could only be done while he was living, and capable of being ashamed.

Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed as very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred and inviolable character of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as he termed them), and was so lucid in pointing out the general inferiority of the queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was not present to hear herself and s.e.x undervalued. As might have been expected, it allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the brigadier. The decision was in the following words, viz.: "Rex et Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of justice shall proceed forthwith to decaudizate the defendant before they decapitate him; provided he has not been forthwith decapitated before he can be decaudizated."

The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper officer, Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall of justice, as if both out lives depended on our expedition. I was about to reproach him for having volunteered to aid the king's attorney-general, when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the want of a b.u.t.ton-hole, he said, with evident satisfaction:

"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to have been employed, for some years, in a more interesting litigation. Now this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a close, has just reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see every prospect of extricating our client with great credit to myself."

"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted; "the accused is finally sentenced, if not actually executed!"

"Not so fast, my good Sir John--not so fast, by any means. Nothing is final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way; much better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was arraigned."

Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to demand an explanation.

"All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brother Downright, "whether the head is still on the body of the accused or not.

Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution; and, should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a proper religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the fact. I ask but two things of you--speed in coming with the news, and perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest of the frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of justice!"

"The case seems desperate--would it not be as well for me to run down to the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties, throw myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a pardon?"

"Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons: firstly, there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted without a special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor a queen!"

"No king in Leaphigh!"

"I have said it."

"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to refute what you say, by the evidence of my own senses."

"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there was a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned. But the n.o.bles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to trouble his majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon themselves all the trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save his feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical force and abuses of the ma.s.s. After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive to feed and otherwise support the royal family, and all its members were privately s.h.i.+pped to a distant region, which had not yet got to be so far advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep up a monarchy without a monarch."

"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?"

"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations enough, even greater exploits may be performed."

"But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no such thing as a monarch in this country?"

"Literally."

"And the presentations?"

"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy."

"And the crimson curtains?--"

"Conceal empty seats."

"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?"

"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in danger, if there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch, and another to have no throne. But all this time our client is in great jeopardy.

Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I have just instructed you."

I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the centre of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my friend waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did not recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for, luckily for himself, and more especially for the success of his princ.i.p.al counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the court had not yet arrived--justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as her ministers are dilatory--two blocks were prepared, and the culprit was about to get down on his hands and knees between them, just as I forced my way through the crowd to his side.

"Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!" exclaimed the rebuked Noah; "a ra'ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!"

"While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be prepared for the worst--he who is thus prepared never can meet with a disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners"--for there were two, that of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the unhappy criminal--"Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the culprit a moment to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!"

To this reasonable pet.i.tion neither of the higher functionaries of the law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they might lose their places. They did not see, however, but a man might pause for a moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that there had been a little misunderstanding between the executioners themselves on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of the delay, and which had been disposed of by an arrangement that both should operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought down to his hands and knees, "moored head and starn," as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd, expressed it, between the two blocks, his neck lying on one and his tail on the other. While in this edifying att.i.tude, I was permitted to address him.

"It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain," I said; "for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and sanguinary appearance."