Stephanie Plum - Finger Lickin' Fifteen Part 7

"I borrowed it from Bobby Booker. He brought it over in his truck on the promise he was gonna get some of our award-winning barbecue chicken someday. Now that we got this here grill, my barbecue is gonna turn out perfect. Only thing is, I can't get it to work. He said there was lots of propane in the tank. And my understanding is, all I have to do is turn the k.n.o.b."

"I got some matches," Grandma said. "Maybe it's got one of them pilot lights that went out."

Lula took the matches, bent over the grill, and Phunnf! Phunnf! Flames shot four feet into the air and set her chef's hat on fire. Flames shot four feet into the air and set her chef's hat on fire.

"That did it," Lula said, stepping back, hat blazing. "It's cookin' now."

Grandma and I had a split second of paralysis, mouths open, eyes bugged out, staring at the flaming hat.

"What?" Lula said.

"Your hat's on fire," Grandma told her. "You look like one of them cookout marshmallows."

Lula rolled her eyes upward and shrieked. "Yow! My hat's on fire! My hat's on fire!"

I tried to knock the hat off her head, but Lula was running around in a panic.

"Hold still!" I yelled. "Get the hat off your head!"

"Somebody do something!" she shouted, wild-eyed, arms waving. "Call the fire department!"

"Take the d.a.m.n hat off," I said to her, lunging for her and missing.

"I'm on fire! I'm on fire!" Lula yelled, running into the grill, knocking it over. Her hat fell off her head onto the ground and ribbons of fire ran raced in all directions across my parents' yard.

Growing gra.s.s was never a priority for my father. His contention was if you grew the gra.s.s, you had to cut the gra.s.s. And what was the point to that? The result was that most of our backyard was dirt, with the occasional sad sprinkling of crab gra.s.s. In seconds, the fire burned up the crabgra.s.s and played itself out, with the exception of a half-dead maple tree at the back of the yard. The tree went up like Vesuvius.

I could hear fire trucks whining in the distance. A car pulled into the driveway, a car door opened and closed, and Morelli strolled into the yard. Lula's hat was a lump of black ash on the ground. The tree was a torch in the dusky sky.

"I saw the fire on my way home from work," Morelli said. "I stopped by to help, but it looks like you have everything under control."

"Yep," I said. "We're just waiting for the tree to burn itself out."

He looked at the grill and the chicken. "Barbecuing tonight?"

A pack of dogs rounded the corner of the house, ran yapping up to the chicken, and carried it off.

"Not anymore," I said. "Want to go for pizza?"

"Sure," he said.

We each took our own cars, sneaking out between the fire trucks that were angling into the curb. I followed Morelli to Pino's, parked next to his SUV in Pino's lot, and we pushed through the restaurant's scarred oak front door into the heat and noise of dinner hour. At this time of day, the majority of tables were filled with families. At ten in the evening, Pino's would be crammed with nurses and cops unwinding off the second s.h.i.+ft. We were able to snag a small table in the corner. We didn't have to read the menu. We knew it by heart. Pino's menu never changes.

Morelli ordered beer and a meatball sub. I got the same.

"Looks like you're working for Rangeman," Morelli said, taking in my black T-s.h.i.+rt and sweats.h.i.+rt with the Rangeman logo on the left front. "What's that about?"

"It's temporary. He needed someone to fill in on the search desk, and I needed the money."

Back when we were a couple, Morelli hated when I a.s.sociated with Ranger. He thought Ranger was a dangerous guy from multiple points of view, and of course Morelli was right. From the set of his jaw, I suspected he still hated that I was a.s.sociating with Ranger.

"What have you got on your desk these days?" I asked him, thinking it best to get off the Ranger topic.

"A couple gang slayings and the Chipotle thing."

"Are you making any progress with Chipotle?"

We paused while the waitress set two gla.s.ses of beer on the table.

Morelli sipped his beer. "Originally, I thought it felt like a couple professionals had come in from out of town, but that didn't make sense after they went for Lula. These guys are afraid Lula will finger them."

"She gave you a description. Have you had any luck with that?"

"Lula's description fit half the men in this country. Average height, one shorter than the other, brown hair, average build, late forties to early fifties, she wasn't close enough to see eye color. No distinguis.h.i.+ng features, and she said they dressed like white men. What the h.e.l.l is that supposed to mean?"

"So you have nothing?"

"Worse than that, we have more than we can manage. The million-dollar reward brought out every crackpot in the state. We had to pull Margie Slater off traffic duty and sit her in a room with a phone so she could field the calls coming in. They were clogging the system."

"Lula's convinced Chipotle was killed over barbecue sauce, and she figures the killers will be at the cook-off. She's entered the contest so she'll have the inside track at identifying them."

"That'll make sense if she lives that long."

"Do you have someone watching her house?"

"That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We're so underbudgeted we're one step away from holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper."

"Have you considered the barbecue sauce connection?"

"I've considered a lot of connections. Chipotle had so much bad juju going it's a wonder he wasn't killed sooner. He has three ex-wives who hated him. Everyone on his television show hated him. His sister hated him. He was suing his manager. And the tenants in his New York co-op signed a pet.i.tion to get him evicted."

"Who would have thought? He was all smiley on the jar of barbecue sauce."

"It's not that easy to slice off someone's head," Morelli said.

"The way Lula tells it, there wasn't any struggle."

"Yeah. That bothers me. Would you stand there and let someone decapitate you? And what about the guy who did it? Why would he choose decapitation? There are so many easier, cleaner ways to kill someone. And this was done in broad daylight in front of the Suns.h.i.+ne Hotel. It was almost like it wasn't planned."

"A spontaneous decapitation?"

Morelli grinned. "Yeah."

"And he just happened to be carrying a meat cleaver around with him?"

"Maybe he was a butcher."

"So all we have to do is look for an impulsive butcher."

Morelli signaled for another beer. "I'm having fun."

"Me, too."

"Do you want to go home and go to bed?"

"Jeez," I said. "Is that all you ever think about?"

"No, but I think about it a lot. Especially when I'm with you."

"I thought we were supposed to be mad at each other."

Morelli shrugged. "I don't feel mad anymore. I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"Peanut b.u.t.ter."

"It was about more than peanut b.u.t.ter."

"So you do do remember?" remember?"

"You called me an insensitive clod," Morelli said.

"And?"

"I'm not a clod."

"But you admit to being insensitive?"

"I'm a guy. I'm supposed to be insensitive. It's my birthright."

I was pretty sure he was kidding. But then, maybe not. "Okay," I said. "I'll take half of it back. You're not a clod."

The waitress brought our food and Morelli took out his credit card. "We'll take the check now, and we'd like a to-go box."

"Since when?" I said.

"I thought we decided to go home."

"I can't go home. I have to go back to work."

"Doing what?"

"Doing what I do. I'm working at Rangeman."

"At night?"

"It's complicated," I said.

"I bet."

I felt my eyebrows squinch together. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't trust him. He's a total loose cannon. And he looks at you like you're lunch."

"It's a job. I need the money."

"You could move in with me," Morelli said. "You wouldn't have to pay rent."

"Living with you doesn't work. Last time we tried to cohabitate, you threw my peanut b.u.t.ter away."

"It was disgusting. It had grape jelly and potato chips in it. And something green."

"Olives. It was just a little cross-contamination. Sometimes I'm in a hurry and stuff gets mixed into the peanut b.u.t.ter. Anyway, when did you get so fussy?"

"I'm not fussy," Morelli said. "I just try to avoid food poisoning."

"I have never poisoned you with my food."

"Only because you don't cook."

I blew out a sigh because he was right, and this was going to lead to another contentious topic. Cooking. I'm not sure why I don't cook. In my mind, I cooked a lot. I made whole mental turkey dinners, baked pies, roasted tenderloins, and whipped up rice pudding. I even owned a mental waffle maker. So to some extent, I understood Lula's delusional belief that she could barbecue. The difference between Lula and me being that I knew fact from fiction. I knew I was no kind of cook.

The waitress came back with a couple plastic take-out boxes and the check.

"Well?" Morelli asked me.

"Well what?"

"Are we eating here or are we taking these subs back to my house?"

"I'd rather eat here. I have to go back to work tonight, and this is closer to Rangeman."

"So you're choosing Ranger over me?"

"Rangeman. Not Ranger Ranger. I have a project I can only do in the evening. You should understand that. You choose your job over me all the time."

"I'm a cop."

"And?"

"And that's different," Morelli said. "I'm serving the public, investigating murders, and serving the public, investigating murders, and you're you're working for ... Batman." working for ... Batman."

"Gotham City would have been a mess without Batman."

"Batman was a nutcase. He was a vigilante."

"Well, Ranger isn't a nutcase. He's a legitimate businessman."

"He's a loose cannon hiding behind a veneer of legitimacy."