Mr. Punch at the Seaside Part 5

Now, these Joneses and Browns cordially detest each other in London, and are not even on speaking terms; yet such is the depressing effect of "perfect quiet" that, as soon as they meet at Shrimpington-super-Mare, they rush into each other's arms with a wild sense of relief!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HEARTS OF OAK

_Angelina_ (_who has never seen a revolving light before_). "How patient and persevering those sailors must be, Edwin! The wind has blown that light out six times since they first lit it, and they've lighted it again each time!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SHANKLIN]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCILLY]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HAYLING ISLAND]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MUMBLES]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Now, mind, if any of those nasty people with cameras come near, you're to send them away!"]

SEASIDE SOLITUDE

HIGHBURYBARN-ON-SEA

(_From our Special Commissioner_)

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CUTTER ROUNDING THE BUOY]

Dear Mr. Punch,--This is a spot, which, according to your instructions, I reached last evening. In these same instructions you described it as "a growing place." I fancy it must be of the asparagus order, that vegetable, as you are well aware, taking three years in which to develop itself to perfection. Highburybarn-on-Sea is, I regret to say, in the first stage--judged from an asparagus point of view. I cannot entertain the enthusiastic description of the candid correspondent (I refer to the cutting forwarded by you from an eminent daily paper under the heading, "By the Golden Ocean.") He describes it as "an oasis on the desert coast of Great Britain." Far be it from me to deny the desert--all I object to is the oasis.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Limpets]

I ask you, sir, if you ever, in the course of the travels in which you have out-rivalled Stanley, Cameron, Livingstone, Harry de Windt, and, may I add, De Rougemont, ever came across an oasis, consisting of two score villas, built with scarcely baked bricks, reposing on an arid waste amid a number of tumbled-down cottages, and surmounted by a mighty workhouse-like hotel looking down on a pre-Adamite beershop?

The sky was blue, the air was fresh, the waves had retreated to sea when I arrived in a jolting omnibus at Highburybarn-on-Sea, and deposited myself and luggage at the Metropolitan Hotel. A page-boy was playing airs on a Jew's-harp when I alighted on the sand-driven steps of the hostelry. He seemed surprised at my arrival, but in most respectful fas.h.i.+on placed his organ of minstrelsy in his jacket pocket, the while he conveyed my Gladstone bag to my apartment, secured by an interview with an elderly dame, who gave an intelligent but very wan smile when I suggested dinner. She referred me to the head waiter. This functionary pointed in grandiose fas.h.i.+on to the coffee-room, wherein some artistic wall-papering wag had committed atrocities on which it would be libel to comment.

[Ill.u.s.tration: TAKING A DIP AND GETTING A BLOW]

There was only one occupant, a short clean-shaven gentleman with white hair and a red nose, who was apparently chasing s.p.a.ce. This turned out to be a militant blue-bottle. Meantime, the head-waiter produced his bill of fare, or rather the remains of it. Nearly every dish had apparently been consumed, for the most tempting _plats_ were removed from the _menu_ by a liberal application of red pencil. Finally, I decided on a fried sole and a steak. The white-haired man still pursued the blue-bottle.

I went up to my room, and after was.h.i.+ng with no soap I returned to the coffee-room. The blue-bottle still had the best of it. The head-waiter, after the lapse of an hour, informed me that the sole would not be long.

When it arrived, I found that he spoke the truth. If you have any recollection of the repast which _Porthos_ endured when entertained by _Madame Coquenard_, you will have some notion of my feast. The head-waiter told me that some bare-legged persons who had waded into the water were shrimp-catchers. I only wished that I were one of them, for at least they found food.

[Ill.u.s.tration: BIRCHINGTON]

Later on I retired to rest. I was visited in the hours of darkness, to which I had consigned myself, by a horde of mosquitoes, imported, so I was informed in the morning, by American travellers, who never tipped the waiters. I fulfilled their obligations, still gazing on the auburn sand-drift, still looking on the sea, still feeling hungry and murmuring to myself, "Highburybarn-on-Sea would be a capital place for children, if I could only see any cows." A melancholy cocoa-nut shy by the station appeared to afford all the milk in the place.

Yours despondently, NIBBLETHORPE n.o.bBS.

EMBARRa.s.sMENT OF RICHES: MARGATE.--_Mother._ "Now, Tommy, which would you rather do--have a donkey ride or watch father bathe?"

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Bathing Woman._ "Master Franky wouldn't cry! No! Not he!--He'll come to his Martha, and bathe like a man!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BATHING QUESTION

Master Tommy is emphatically of the opinion that the s.e.xes ought not to bathe together.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHITBOROUGH. LOW TIDE. ARRIVAL OF THE SCARBY STEAMER]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "DENUDATION"

_Niece_ (_after a header_). "Oh, aunt, you're not coming in with your spectacles on?"

_Aunt Clarissa_ (_who is not used to bathe in the "open"_). "My dear, I positively won't take off anything more, I'm determined!!"]

TO THE FIRST BATHING-MACHINE

(_After Wordsworth_)

[Ill.u.s.tration: MOORINGS]

O Blank new-comer! I have seen, I see thee with a start: So gentle looking a Machine, Infernal one thou art!

When first the sun feels rather hot, Or even rather warm, From some dim, hibernating spot Rolls forth thy clumsy form.

Perhaps thou babblest to the sea Of suns.h.i.+ne and of flowers; Thou bringest but a thought to me Of such bad quarter hours.

I, grasping tightly, pale with fear, Thy very narrow bench, Thou, bounding on in wild career, All shake, and jolt, and wrench.