Frivolities Part 44

"Take it away, sir--horribly smelling thing."

"Wot are you calling a 'orribly smelling thing? Wot would you say if I was to bash your 'at in?"

"I should bash it in if I was you, Jimmy."

"So I will if 'e don't look out, and so I tell 'im."

The gentleman whose coat had been grabbed still seemed unappeased, and still seemed labouring under a misapprehension.

"Persons who are in an intoxicated condition ought not to be allowed on public conveyances." I turned to Stacey-Lumpton.

"I don't know if you are aware that you almost pulled that gentleman's coat off his back?"

The old gentleman's observations, although addressed to no one in particular, had been audible to all. Twisting himself round in his seat, Stacey-Lumpton proceeded to explain.

"I hope, sir, I didn't hurt you."

The coster chose to take this remark as being addressed to him.

"But you 'urt my 'at! I give fourpence for that 'at not three months ago. 'Ow d'yer suppose I'm going to keep myself in 'ats?"

"If I have been so unfortunate as to damage your hat, sir, I shall be happy to present you with the sum of fourpence with which to provide yourself with another."

Jimmy's friend highly approved of this suggestion. He immediately proceeded to embellish it with an addition of his own.

"That's right. You give 'im fourpence and you give me fourpence.

That's what I call be'aving like a gentleman."

Stacey-Lumpton failed quite to follow the line of reasoning.

"Why should I give you fourpence?"

"Why? Because I asks for it. I suppose you can 'ear me. You bashes in my friend's 'at, and I'm 'is friend, and we shares and shares alike.

As you treats 'im you treats me. Ain't that right, Jimmy?" Jimmy said it was.

"Quite right, 'Enery--it's quite right. If the gentleman is a gentleman 'e'll give us fourpence apiece--both the two of us. 'E looks a gentleman, don't 'e? 'Is 'at wasn't never bought for fourpence--no, nor for three fourpences neither."

A feminine voice was heard in the rear. It was the lady Stacey-Lumpton had seized by the bonnet; she seemed to have been nursing a grievance.

"And what about me? I suppose it doesn't matter anything at all about me. Oh dear no! I have had my bonnet tore almost off my head, and my hair too, but, of course, I am n.o.body. If a drunken wretch was to handle some wives some husbands would want to know the reason why. But if I was to be thrown right off the omnibust, and trampled under foot, my husband would sit still and never say a word--oh dear no!"

The husband in question appeared to be a stout individual who, seated by the lady's side, leaned his chin on the handle of an umbrella. He seemed to consider that the remark was, at least, partially addressed to him.

"It was only an accident, Eliza."

"Oh, of course, it was only an accident. Whenever anyone insults me it always is an accident. Some husbands wouldn't say it was an accident, but I have to look after myself, I have." She immediately proceeded to do it. Raising her voice she addressed herself to Stacey-Lumpton.

"Young man, I don't know if you happen to be aware that you've scrunched my new bonnet out of shape, and drove a hairpin through my head. Is that the way you always get on omnibuses?"

Stacey-Lumpton was all apologies.

"I beg ten thousand pardons, madam, but the fact is I am not accustomed to travelling on an omnibus, and I'm afraid----"

"Fares, please." The conductor came along cutting the apologies short.

"Your fare if you please, sir."

"What is the fare?"

"Arf a crown."

This was Jimmy's friend.

"Where are you going?"

This was the conductor. I explained.

"We want a pennyworth." I turned to Stacey-Lumpton. "I have no coppers. Have you got twopence?"

He produced a sovereign purse.

"Have you change for a sovereign?"

This to the conductor, and the conductor was contemptuous.

"Change for a sovereign! I haven't got change for no sovereign, unless you like to take it all in coppers."

"Take change for a sovereign in coppers? What do you suppose I should do with a sovereign's worth of coppers?"

"I don't know nothing at all about it. I've got to do with 'em, haven't I? Twopence, please!"

Jimmy's friend interposed.

"You 'and me over the sovering. I'll change it. I got sevenpence-'apenny,"

Jimmy chorussed.

"And I dessay I could make it up to a bob, and then we'll take our two 'ats out of it, and then we'll give yer wot's left next time we sees yer--eh, 'Enery?"

The driver, turning his head, nodded to his colleague.

"That's all right, Tom. You give the gentlemen their tickets. I'll see you get your twopence. The gentlemen can owe it me." He gave his whip an artistic twirl. "I've known myself what it's like to have a sovereign and no change to be had--ah, and more than a sovereign, though you mightn't think it to see me here."

Not feeling inclined to be indebted to an omnibus driver for the loan of twopence, I suddenly discovered that I had two coppers. The conductor retired. There was an interval of silence--spent, I imagine, by Stacey-Lumpton in endeavouring to smooth his ruffled plumage.

Presently Jimmy's friend began again:

"I say, Jimmy, how about our fourpences?"

"That's what I say. Guv'nor, 'ow about our fourpences? I ain't seen no fourpence."