The Humbugs of the World Part 25

A charm for the cramp found in vogue in some rustic regions is this:

"The devil is tying a knot in my leg, Mark, Luke and John, unloose it, I beg, Crosses three we make to ease us-- Two for the thieves, and one for Christ Jesus."

Here is another, often used in Ireland, which in the same spirit of superst.i.tion and ignorant irreverence uses the name of the Savior for a slight human occasion. It is to cure the toothache, and requires the repeating of the following string of words:

"St. Peter sitting on a marble stone, our Savior pa.s.sing by, asked him what was the matter. 'Oh Lord, a toothache!' Stand up, Peter, and follow me; and whoever keeps these words in memory of me, shall never be troubled with a toothache, Amen."

The English astrologer Lilly, after the death of his wife, formerly a Mrs. Wright, found in a scarlet bag which she wore under her arm a pure gold "sigil" or round plate worth about ten dollars in gold, which the former husband of the defunct had used to exorcise a spirit that plagued him. In case any of my readers can afford bullion enough, and would like to drive away any such visitor, let them get such a plate and have engraved round the edge of one side, "Vicit Leo de tribus Judae tetragrammaton [cross]." Inside this engrave a "holy lamb." Round the edge of the other side engrave "Annaphel" and three crosses, thus: [cross] [cross] [cross]; and in the middle, "Sanctus Petrus Alpha et Omega."

The witches have always had incantations, which they have used to make a broom-stick into a horse, to kill or to sicken animals and persons, etc.

Most of these are sufficiently stupid, and not half so wonderful as one I know, which may be found in a certain mysterious volume called "The Girl's Own Book," and which, as I can depose, has often power to tickle children. It is this:

"Bandy-legged Borachio Mustachio Whiskerifusticus, the bald and brave Bombardino of Bagdad, helped Abomilique Bluebeard Bashaw of Babelmandel beat down an abominable b.u.mblebee at Balsora."

But to the other witches. Their charms were repeated sometimes in their own language and sometimes in gibberish. When the Scotch witches wanted to fly away to their "Witches' Sabbath," they straddled a broom-handle, a corn stalk, a straw, or a rush, and cried out "Horse and hattock, in the Devil's name!" and immediately away they flew, "forty times as high as the moon," if they wished. Some English witches in Somersets.h.i.+re used instead to say, "Thout, tout, throughout and about;" and when they wished to return from their meeting they said "Rentum, tormentum!" If this form of the charm does not manufacture a horse, not even a saw-horse, then I recommend another version of it, thus:

"Horse and pattock, horse and go!

Horse and pellats, ho, ho, ho!"

German witches said (in High Dutch:)

"Up and away!

Hi! Up aloft, and nowhere stay!"

Scotch witches had modes of working destruction to the persons or property of those to whom they meant evil, which were strikingly like the negro obeah or mandinga. One of these was, to make a hash of the flesh of an unbaptised child, with that of dogs and sheep, and to put this goodly dish in the house of the victim, reciting the following rhyme:

"We put this untill this hame In our Lord the Devil's name; The first hands that handle thee.

Burned and scalded may they be!

We will destroy houses and hald, With the sheep and nolt (_i. e._ cattle) into the fauld; And little shall come to the fore (_i. e._ remain,) Of all the rest of the little store."

Another, used to destroy the sons of a certain gentleman named Gordon was, to make images for the boys, of clay and paste, and put them in a fire, saying:

"We put this water among this meal For long pining and ill heal, We put it into the fire To burn them up stock and stour (_i. e._ stack and band.) That they be burned with our will, Like any stikkle (stubble) in a kiln."

In case any lady reader finds herself changed into a hare, let her remember how the witch Isobel Gowdie changed herself from hare back to woman. It was by repeating:

"Hare, hare, G.o.d send thee care!

I am in a hare's likeness now; But I shall be woman even now-- Hare, hare, G.o.d send thee care!"

About the year 1600 there was both hanged and burned at Amsterdam a poor demented Dutch girl, who alleged that she could make cattle sterile, and bewitch pigs and poultry by saying to them "Turius und Shurius Inturius." I recommend to say this first to an old hen, and if found useful it might then be tried on a pig.

Not far from the same time a woman was executed as a witch at Bamberg, having, as was often the case, been forced by torture to make a confession. She said that the devil had given her power to send diseases upon those she hated, by saying complimentary things about them, as "What a strong man!" "what a beautiful woman!" "what a sweet child!" It is my own impression that this species of cursing may safely be tried where it does not include a falsehood.

Here are two charms which the German witches used to repeat to raise the devil with in the form of a he goat:

"Lalle, Bachea, Magotte, Baphia, Dajam, Vagoth Heneche Ammi Nagaz, Adomator Raphael Immanuel Christus, Tetragrammaton Agra Jod Loi. Konig! Konig!"

The two last words to be screamed out quickly. This second one, it must be remembered, is to be read backward except the two last words. It was supposed to be the strongest of all, and was used if the first one failed:

"Anion, Lalle, Sabolos, Sado, Poter, Aziel, Adonai Sado Vagoth Agra, Jod, Baphra! Komm! Komm!"

In case the devil staid too long, he could be made to take himself off by addressing to him the following statement, repeated backward:

"Zellianelle Heotti Bonus Vagotha Plisos sother osech unicus Beelzebub Dax! Komm! Komm!"

Which would evidently make almost anybody go away.

A German charm to improve one's finances was perhaps no worse than gambling in gold. It ran thus:

"As G.o.d be welcomed, gentle moon-- Make thou my money more and soon!"

To get rid of a fever in the German manner, go and tie up a bough of a tree, saying, "Twig, I bind thee; fever, now leave me!" To give your ague to a willow tree, tie three knots in a branch of it early in the morning, and say, "Good morning, old one! I give thee the cold; good morning, old one!" and turn and run away as fast as you can without looking back.

Enough of this nonsense. It is pure mummery. Yet it is worth while to know exactly what the means were which in ancient times were relied on for such purposes, and it is not useless to put this matter on record; for just such formulas are believed in now by many people. Even in this city there are "witches" who humbug the more foolish part of the community out of their money by means just as foolish as these.

VIII. ADVENTURERS.

CHAPTER x.x.xIX.

THE PRINCESS CARIBOO; OR, THE QUEEN OF THE ISLES.

Bristol was, in 1812, the second commercial city of Great Britain, having in particular an extensive East India trade. Among its inhabitants were merchants, reckoned remarkably shrewd, and many of them very wealthy; and quite a number of aristocratic families, who were looked up to with the abject toad-eating kind of civility that follows "the n.o.bility." On the whole, Bristol was a very fas.h.i.+onable, rich, cultivated, and intelligent place--considering.

One fine evening in the winter of 1812-13, the White Lion hotel, a leading inn at Bristol, was thrown into a wonderful flutter by the announcement that a very beautiful and fabulously wealthy lady, the Princess Cariboo, had just arrived by s.h.i.+p from an oriental port. Her agent, a swarthy and wizened little Asiatic, who spoke imperfect English, gave this information, and ordered the most sumptuous suite of rooms in the house. Of course, there was great activity in all manner of preparations; and the mysterious character of this lovely but high-born stranger caused a wonderful flutter of excitement, which grew and grew until the fair stranger at length deigned to arrive. She came at about ten o'clock, in great state, and with two or three coaches packed with servants and luggage--the former of singularly dingy complexion and fantastic vestments, and the latter of the most curious forms and material imaginable. The eager antic.i.p.ations of hosts and guests alike were not only fully justified but even exceeded by the rare beauty of the unknown, the oriental style and magnificence of her attire and that of her attendants, and the enormous bulk of her baggage--a circ.u.mstance that has no less weight at an English inn than any where else. The stranger, too, was most liberal with her fees to the servants, which were always in gold.

It was quickly discovered that her ladys.h.i.+p spoke not one word of English, and even her agent--a dark, wild, queer little fellow,--got along with it but indifferently, preferring all his requests in very "broken China" indeed. The landlord thought it a splendid opportunity to create a long bill, and got up rooms and a dinner in flaring style, with wax candles, a mob of waiters, ringing of bells, and immense ceremony.

But the lady, like a real princess, while well enough pleased and very gracious, took all this as a matter of course, and preferred her own cook, a flat-faced, pug-nosed, yellow-breeched and almond-eyed Oriental, with a pigtail dangling from his scalp, which was shaved clean, excepting at the back of the head. This gentleman ran about in the kitchen-yard with queer little bra.s.s utensils, wherein he concocted sundry diabolical preparations--as they seemed to the English servants to be,--of herbs, rice, curry powder, etc., etc., for the repast of his mistress. For the next three or four days, the White Lion was in a state bordering upon frenzy, at the singular deportment of the "Princess" and her numerous attendants. The former arrayed herself in the most astonis.h.i.+ng combinations of apparel that had ever been seen by the good gossips of Bristol, and the latter indulged in gymnastic antics and vocal chantings that almost deafened the neighborhood. There was a peculiar nasal ballad in which they were fond of indulging, that commenced about midnight and kept up until well nigh morning, that drove the neighbors almost beside themselves. It sounded like a concert by a committee of infuriated cats, and wound up with protracted whining notes, commencing in a whimper, and then with a sudden jerk, bursting into a loud, monotonous howl. Yet, withal, these attendants, who slept on mats, in the rooms adjacent to that of their mistress, and fed upon the preparations of her own cuisine, were, in the main, very civil and inoffensive, and seemed to look upon the Princess with the utmost awe.

The "agent," or "secretary," or "prime-minister," or whatever he might be called, was very mysterious as to the objects, purposes, history, and antecedents of her Highness, and the quidnuncs were in despair until, one morning, the "Bristol Mirror," then a leading paper, came out with a flaring announcement, expressing the pleasure it felt in acquainting the public with the fact, that a very eminent and interesting foreign personage had arrived from her home in the remotest East to proffer His Majesty, George III, the un.o.bstructed commerce and friends.h.i.+p of her realm, which was as remarkable for its untold wealth as for its marvelous beauty. The lady was described as a befitting representative of the loveliness and opulence of this new Golconda and Ophir in one, since her matchless wealth and munificence were approached only by her ravis.h.i.+ng personal charms. The other papers took up the topic, and were even more extravagant. "Felix Farley's Journal" gave a long narrative of her wanderings and extraordinary adventures in the uttermost East, as gleaned, of course, from her garrulous agent. The island of her chief residence was described as being of vast extent and fertility, immensely rich and populous, and possessing many rare and beautiful arts unknown to the nations of Europe. The princess had become desperately enamored of a certain young Englishman of high rank, who had been s.h.i.+pwrecked on her coast, but had afterward escaped, and as she learned, safely reached a port in China, and thence departed for Europe. The Princess had hereupon set out upon her journeyings over the world in search of him.

In order to facilitate her enterprise, and softened by the deep affection she felt for the son of Albion, she had determined to break through the usages of her country, and form an alliance with that of her beloved.

Such were the statements everywhere put in circulation; and when the Longbows of the place got full hold of it, Gulliver, Peter Wilkins, and Sinbad the Sailor were completely eclipsed. Diamonds as big as hen's eggs, and pearls the size of hazelnuts, were said to be the commonest b.u.t.tons and ornaments the Princess wore, and her silks and shawls were set beyond all price.

The announcement of this romantic and mysterious history, this boundless wealth, this interesting mission from majesty to majesty in person and the reality which every one could see of so much grace and beauty, supplied all that was wanting to set the upper-tendom of the place in a blaze. It was hardly etiquette for a royal visitor to receive much company before having been presented at Court; but as this princely lady came from a point so far outside of the pale of Christendom, and all its formalities, it was deemed not out of place, to show her befitting attentions; and the ice once broken, there was no arresting the flood.

The aristocracy of Bristol vied with each other in seeing who should be first and most extravagant in their demonstrations. The street in front of the "White Lion" was day after day blocked up, with elegant equipages, and her reception-rooms thronged with "fair women and brave men." Milliners and mantuamakers pressed upon the lovely and mysterious Princess Cariboo the most exquisite hats, dresses, and laces, just to acquaint her with the fas.h.i.+onable style and solicit her distinguished patronage; dry-goodsmen sent her rare patterns of their costliest and richest stuffs, perfumers their most exquisite toilet-cases, filled with odors sweet; jewellers, their most superb sets of gems; and florists and visitors nearly suffocated her with the scarcest and most delicate exotics. Pictures, sketches, and engravings, oil-paintings, and portraits on ivory of her rapturous admirers, poured in from all sides, and her own fine form and features were reproduced by a score of artists. Daily she was feted, and nightly serenaded, until the Princess Cariboo became the furore of the United Kingdom. Magnificent entertainments were given her in private mansions; and at length, to cap the climax, Mr. Worrall, the Recorder of Bristol, managed, by his influence, to bring about for her a grand munic.i.p.al reception in the town-hall, and people from far and near thronged to it in thousands.

In the meantime the papers were gravely trying to make out whether the Cariboo country meant some remote portion of j.a.pan, or the Island of Borneo, or some comparatively unfamiliar archipelago in the remotest East, and the "Mirror" was publis.h.i.+ng type expressly cut for the purpose of representing the characters of the language in which the Princess spoke and wrote. They were certainly very uncouth, and pretended sages, who knew very well that there was no one to contradict them, declared that they were "ancient Coptic!"

Upon reading the sequel of the story, one is irresistibly reminded of the ancient Roman inscription discovered by one of d.i.c.kens' characters, which some irreverent rogue subsequently declared to be nothing more nor less than "Bil Stumps His Mark."

All this went on for about a fortnight, until the whole town and a good deal of the surrounding country had made complete fools of themselves, and only the "naughty little boys" in the streets held out against the prevailing mania, probably because they were not admitted to the sport.

Their salutations took the form of an inharmonious thoroughfare-ballad, the chorus of which terminated with: