Who Was Who Part 5

LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic, and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her. From that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an expert prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights. Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally. Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends who wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, n.o.blest, bravest lovey in the wide, wide world. Later L. secured an embarra.s.sing interview and visited a jewelry store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs: None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go.

LUTHER, Martin, a German who started compet.i.tion.

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McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver.

McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's champions.h.i.+p.

MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist.

MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy day.

MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights.

MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little bundle is asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand for the older folks.

MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the fact that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press agent. Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His Kingdom Are Soon Parted.

MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a city, but not a woman.

MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day.

MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New York stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris.

MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on liners out of the regular tourist season.

MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the tourist who dwelt within his ca.n.a.ls.

MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes too good.

MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the teacher, as it was against the regulations of the inst.i.tution to permit animals, other than the children, in the cla.s.s-rooms. M. returned the lamb to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published.

MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation: Bluebird raising.

MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the sights. With the a.s.sistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by his countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition: Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense.

MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill people, and not to financially ruin them.

MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or Presbyterians.

MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute stage.

MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle.

MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his fate.

MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite. Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely distributed, but never admired.

MERCURY, errand boy for the G.o.ds. Wore a pair of winged feet and feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: Same as the G.o.ds. Address: General delivery.

METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand.

MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly made the patron saint of France.

MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat).

MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the t.i.tle of which is known by everybody and the contents by few.

MOET and CHANDON, two compet.i.tors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires.

MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and made Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This did not pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby. Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or Islam. They always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah, Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him.

MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not have to see alone.

MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test.

MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other lines had Marconi lived before his time.

MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the manner of his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the king for permission to close the p.a.w.n shops and clothing stores. Now in those days the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars of the children of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the pa.s.sports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took s.h.i.+p's leave. Adopting an original compa.s.s, he made forced marches to the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this time the journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this was due to good business or sore feet history does not relate. M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten commandments. After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish Legation.

MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around when you hit your finger with the hammer.

MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York City.

MUMM,(7) the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot afford them. They form one of the princ.i.p.al ingredients of a good time (see Paris).

(7) Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated facts.

MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books, lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific men, he is held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery of the north pole.

MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory that while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his medicine.

MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City.

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NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the dunce at school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums as first-row soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of England. N. became unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N. scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into France and carried a third term. Started things. Began quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he was met by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England presented N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking along the sh.o.r.e. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War.

NAPOLEON II. Absent.

NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No Bonaparte.

NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away into a flower and a tiresome song.

NATION, Carrie, a window-smas.h.i.+ng American liquor suffragette who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the time.

NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell.

NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht.

NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation: Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow.

NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband.

NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after it.

NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young man. Set up compet.i.tion and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great people who ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and wives, but seldom troubled the men. Publications: French literature; some fine books and pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You. Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum.

NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license.

NOAH, s.h.i.+p-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young man he shunned the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied s.h.i.+pbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on record. Made quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. Publications: The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis.

n.o.bLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of dynamite and the awarding of the n.o.ble prizes.

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O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin, raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early stages of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green.

O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged about.

ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St. Patrick.) ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise to get out of the place without looking around to see what other respectable people were there. O. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and rubbered. That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain Eurydice is there to this day.

OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that story into print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But Not What He Preached.

OTh.e.l.lO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Oth.e.l.lo lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged husband. Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some money out of it.

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PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos.

PALLAS, a Grecian G.o.ddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by Poe.

PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appet.i.te. Recreation: Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical.

PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States.

PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government, starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for a living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications: From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London. Care Scotland Yard.

PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things.

PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss.

PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor.

PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster. Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them.

PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage.

PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris has been named after him.

PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the shamrock into the Emerald Isle.

PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States. There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set the world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American police force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain and the United States.

PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph: c.u.m Grano Salis.

PEAR,(8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy.

(8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertis.e.m.e.nt. The editor does not use soap.