The Tables Turned Part 4

_J. F_. H'm! So I should think. That'll do, Mr. Potlegoff; I won't muddle your "Rent-of-Ability" any more. Good bye.

[SERGEANT STICKTOIT _called_.

_Mr. H_. Have you heard the prisoner speaking?

_St_. Yes.

_Mr. H_. Where?

_St_. At Beadon Road amongst other places: that's where I took him.

_Mr. H_. What was he doing?

_St_. Standing on a stool, speaking

_Mr. H_. Yes; speaking: to how many people?

_St_. About a thousand.

_Mr. H_. Could you get near him?

_St_. Nowhere near.

_Mr. H_. Well, can you tell me what he was saying?

_St_. Well, he said that all the rich people and all the shopkeepers (_glancing at the Jury_) should be disemboweled and flayed alive, and that all arrangements had been made for doing it, if only the workingmen would combine. He then went into details as to where various detachments were to meet in order to take the Bank of England and capture the Queen.

He also threatened to smash Mr. Justice Nupkins' "Rent-of-Ability," by which I understood him to mean his skull.

_J. N_. His--my brains, you mean!

_St_. No, my lord; for he said that you--that he--hadn't any brains.

_Mr. H_. Did you find any doc.u.ments or papers on him when he was arrested?

_St_. Yes; he had a bundle of papers with him.

_Mr. H_. Like this? (_showing a number of_ "_Commonweal_")

_St_. Yes.

_J. F_. (_Aside_: Two quires that I couldn't sell, d.a.m.n it!)

_Mr. H_. We put this paper in, my lord. Your lords.h.i.+p will notice the vileness of the incendiarism contained in it. I specially draw your attention to this article by one Bax, who as you will see, is familiar with the use of dynamite to a fearful extent. (J. N. _reads, muttering_ "_Curse of Civilisation_.") Gentlemen of the Jury that is our case.

_J. N_. (_looking up from_ "_Commonweal_"). Prisoner at the bar, what have you to say? Do you call witnesses?

_J. F_. Yes, I call witnesses, but I haven't much to say. I am accused of obstruction, but I shan't argue that point, as I know that I should do myself no good by proving that I had not obstructed. I am accused of being a Socialist and a revolutionist. Well, if you, my lord, and you, gentlemen of the Jury, and the cla.s.ses to which you belong, knew what Socialism means--and I fear you take some pains not to--you would also know what the condition of things is now, and how necessary revolution is. So if it is a crime to be a Socialist and a revolutionist, I have committed that crime; but the charge against me is that I am a criminal fool, which I am not. And my witnesses will show you, gentlemen of the Jury, that the evidence brought against me is a ma.s.s of lies of the silliest concoction. That is, they will show it you if you are sensible men and understand your position as jurymen, which I almost fear you do not. Well, it will not be the first time that the judge has usurped the function of the jury, and I would go to prison cheerfully enough if I could hope it would be the last.

[_He pauses as if to listen. Confused noises and the sound of the_ "_Ma.r.s.eillaise_" _a long way off_. (_Aside_: What is it, I wonder?--No; it's nothing.)

_J. N_. Prisoner, what is the matter with you? You seem to be intoxicated; and indeed I hope you are, for nothing else could excuse the brutality of your language.

_J. F_. Oh, don't put yourself out, my lord. You've got the whip-hand of me, you know. I thought I heard an echo; that's all. Well, I will say no more, but call the Archbishop of Canterbury.

[_Enter the_ ARCHBISHOP, _who is received with much reverence and attention. He is sworn_.

_J. F_. Your Grace, were you present at the meeting at Beadon Road where I was arrested?

_Arch_. Yes--yes, I _was_ there. Strange to say, it was on a Sunday morning. I needed some little refreshment from the toils of ecclesiastical office. So I took a cab, I admit under the pretext of paying a visit to my brother of London; and having heard the fame of these Socialist meetings, I betook me to one of them for my instruction and profit: for I hold that in these days even those that are highest in the Church should interest themselves in social matters.

_J. F_. Well, my lord, were you pleased with what you saw and heard?

_Arch_. I confess, sir, that I was disappointed.

_J. F_. Why, my lord?

_Arch_. Because of the extreme paucity of the audience.

_J. F_. Were there a thousand persons present?

_Arch_. (_severely_). I must ask you not to jest with me in the sacredly respectable precincts of a Court of Justice. To the best of my remembrance, there were present at the commencement of your discourse but three persons exclusive of yourself. That fact is impressed on my mind from the rude and coa.r.s.e words which you said when you mounted your stool or rostrum to the friend who accompanied you and had under his arm a bundle of a very reprehensible and ribald print called the _Commonweal_, one of which he, I may say, forced me to purchase.

_J. F_. Well, what did I say?

_Arch_. You said, "I say, Bill! d.a.m.ned hard lines to have to speak to a lamp-post, a kid, and an old buffer"--by the latter vulgarity indicating myself, as I understand.

_J. F_. Yes, my lord, so it is. Now let me ask you, if that matters, is Beadon Road a thronged thoroughfare?

_Arch_. On the contrary; at least on the morning on which I was there, there was a kind of Sabbath rest about it, scarcely broken by the harangue of yourself, sir.

_J. F_. You heard what I said, my lord?

_Arch_. I did, and was much shocked at it.

_J. F_. Well, did I say anything about bowels?

_Arch_. I regret to say that you did.

_J. F_. Do you remember the words I used?

_Arch_. Only too well. You said, but at great length, and with much embroidery of language more than questionable, that capital had no bowels for the worker, nor owners of capital either; and that since no one else would be kind to them, the workers must be kind to themselves and take the matter into their own hands.

_J. N_. (_making notes_). Owners of _the capital_; workman must take the matter--take the matter--into their own hands.

_J. F_. Well, I have no more questions to ask your Grace.

_Mr. H_. With many excuses, your Grace, _I_ will ask you a question.

_Arch_. Certainly, Mr Hungary.