The Best Nonsense Verses Part 6

One much prefers those that are dumber, And as for the paragons small-- If a swallow cannot make a summer.

It can bring on a summary fall!

[_Guy Wetmore Carryl_

A NAUTICAL BALLAD

A capital s.h.i.+p for an ocean trip, Was the "Walloping Window-blind"; No gale that blew dismayed her crew Or troubled the captain's mind.

The man at the wheel was taught to feel Contempt for the wildest blow, And it often appeared, when the weather had cleared, That he'd been in his bunk below.

"The boatswain's mate was very sedate, Yet fond of amus.e.m.e.nt, too; And he played hop-scotch with the starboard watch, While the captain tickled the crew.

And the gunner we had was apparently mad, For he sat on the after rail, And fired salutes with the captain's boots, In the teeth of the booming gale.

"The captain sat in a commodore's hat And dined in a royal way On toasted pigs and pickles and figs And gummery bread each day.

But the cook was Dutch and behaved as such; For the diet he gave the crew Was a number of tons of hot-cross buns Prepared with sugar and glue.

"All nautical pride we laid aside, And we cast the vessel ash.o.r.e On the Gulliby Isles, where the Poohpooh smiles, And the Rumbletumbunders roar.

And we sat on the edge of a sandy ledge And shot at the whistling bee; And the cinnamon-bats wore water-proof hats As they danced in the sounding sea.

"On rubgub bark, from dawn to dark, We fed, till we all had grown Uncommonly shrunk,--when a Chinese junk Came by from the torriby zone.

She was stubby and square, but we didn't much care, And we cheerily put to sea; And we left the crew of the junk to chew The bark of the rubgub tree."

[_Charles E. Carryl_

THE PLAINT OF THE CAMEL

"Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed, Parrots have crackers to crunch: And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles Have chickens and cream for their lunch.

But there's never a question About MY digestion-- Anything does for me!

"Cats, you're aware, can repose in a chair, Chickens can roost upon rails; Puppies are able to sleep in a stable, And oysters can slumber in pails.

But no one supposes A poor Camel dozes-- Any place does for me!

"Lambs are enclosed where it's never exposed, Coops are constructed for hens: Kittens are treated to houses well heated, And pigs are protected by pens.

But a Camel comes handy Wherever it's sandy-- Anywhere does for me!

"People would laugh if you rode a giraffe, Or mounted the back of an ox; It's n.o.body's habit to ride on a rabbit, Or try to bestraddle a fox.

But as for a Camel, he's Ridden by families-- Any load does for me!

"A snake is as round as a hole in the ground, And weasels are wavy and sleek; And no alligator could ever be straighter Than lizards that live in a creek, But a Camel's all lumpy And b.u.mpy and humpy-- Any shape does for me!"

[_Charles E. Carryl_

CHILD'S NATURAL HISTORY

_Geese_

Ev-er-y child who has the use Of his sen-ses knows a goose.

Sees them un-der-neath the tree Gath-er round the goose-girl's knee, While she reads them by the hour From the works of Scho-pen-hau-er.

How pa-tient-ly the geese at-tend!

But do they re-al-ly com-pre-hend What Scho-pen-hau-er's driving at?

Oh, not at all; but what of that?

Nei-ther do I; nei-ther does she; And, for that matter, nor does he.

_A Seal_

See, children, the Furbearing Seal; Ob-serve his mis-di-rect-ed zeal; He dines with most ab-ste-mi-ous care On Fish, Ice Water and Fresh Air A-void-ing cond-i-ments or spice For fear his fur should not be nice And fine and soft and smooth and meet For Broad-way or for Re-gent Street, And yet some-how I often feel (Though for the kind Fur-bear-ing Seal I harbor a Re-spect Pro-found) He runs Fur-bear-ance in the ground.

_The Ant_

My child, ob-serve the use-ful Ant, How hard she works each day.

She works as hard as ad-a-mant (That's very hard, they say).

She has no time to gall-i-vant; She has no time to play.

Let Fido chase his tail all day; Let Kitty play at tag; She has no time to throw away, She has no tail to wag; She scurries round from morn till night; She nev-er nev-er sleeps; She seiz-es ev-ery-thing in sight, She drags it home with all her might, And all she takes she keeps.

_The Yak_

This is the Yak, so negligee; His coif-fure's like a stack of hay; He lives so far from Any-where, I fear the Yak neglects his hair.

And thinks, since there is none to see, What mat-ter how un-kempt he be: How would he feel if he but knew That in this Picture-book I drew His Phys-i-og-no-my un-shorn, For children to de-ride and scorn?

[_Oliver Herford_

[From "A Child's Primer of Natural History." Copyright, 1899, by Oliver Herford, Chas. Scribner's Sons, Publishers]

ALPHABET OF CELEBRITIES

E is for Edison, making believe He's invented a clever contrivance for Eve, Who complained that she never could laugh in her sleeve.

O is for Oliver, casting aspersion On Omar, that awfully dissolute Persian, Though secretly longing to join the diversion.

R's Rubenstein, playing that old thing in F To Rollo and Rembrandt, who wish they were deaf.

S is for Swinburne, who, seeking the true, The good, and the beautiful, visits the Zoo, Where he chances on Sappho and Mr. Sardou, And Socrates, all with the same end in view.

W's Wagner, who sang and played lots, For Was.h.i.+ngton, Wesley and good Dr. Watts; His prurient plots pained Wesley and Watts, But Was.h.i.+ngton said he "enjoyed them in spots."