Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas - LightNovelsOnl.com
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[_A huge Shadow is thrown on the road outside_; LYDIA _starts_.
Whose shadow is it makes the highway darker?
That bullet head! those ears! it is----Jack Parker!
[_Chord. The Chorus flee in dismay, as_ JACK _enters with a reckless swagger_.
_Song_--JACK PARKER.
I'm loafing about, and I very much doubt If my excellent Ma is aware that I'm out; My time I employ in attempts to annoy, And I'm not what you'd call an agreeable boy!
I shoe the cats with walnut-sh.e.l.ls; Tin cans to curs I tie; Ring furious knells at front-door bells-- Then round the corner fly!
'Neath donkeys' tails I fasten furze, Or timid hors.e.m.e.n scare; If chance occurs, I stock with burrs My little Sister's hair!
[_The Bull shakes his head reprovingly._
Such tricks give me joy without any alloy, But they do not denote an agreeable boy!
[_As_ JACK PARKER _concludes, the Bull ducks cautiously below the half-door, while_ LYDIA _conceals herself behind the pump_, L.C.
_Jack_ (_wandering about stage discontentedly_). I thought at least there'd be _some_ beasts to badger here!
Call this a farm--there ain't a blooming spadger here!
[_Approaches stall--Bull raises head suddenly._
A bull! This is a lark I've long awaited!
He's in a stable, so he should be baited.
[_The Bull shows symptoms of acute depression at this jeu de mots_; LYDIA _comes forward indignantly_.
_Lydia._ I _can't_ stand by and see that poor bull suffer!
Excitement's sure to make his beef taste tougher!
[_The Bull emphatically corroborates this statement._
Be warned by Miss Jane Taylor; fractured skulls Invariably come from teasing bulls!
So let that door alone, nor lift the latchet; For if the bull gets out--why, then you'll catch it.
_Jack._ A fractured skull? Yah, don't believe a word of it!
[_Raises latchet: chord; Bull comes slowly out, and crouches ominously_; JACK _retreats, and takes refuge on top of pump: the Bull, after scratching his back with his off foreleg, makes a sudden rush at_ LYDIA.
_Lydia_ (_as she evades it_). Here, help!--it's chasing me!--it's too absurd of it!
Go away, Bull--with _me_ you have no quarrel!
[_The Bull intimates that he is acting from a deep sense of duty._
_Lydia_ (_impatiently_). You stupid thing, you're _ruining_ the moral!
[_The Bull persists obstinately in his pursuit._
_Jack_ (_from top of pump_). Well dodged, Miss Banks! although the Bull I'll back!
[_Enter_ Farm-hands.
_Lydia._ Come quick--this Bull's mistaking me for Jack!
_Jack._ He knows his business best, I shouldn't wonder.
_Farm-hands_ (_philosophically_). He ain't the sort of Bull to make a blunder.
[_They look on._
_Lydia_ (_panting._) Such violent exercise will soon exhaust me!
[_The Bull comes behind her._
Oh, Bull, it _is_ unkind of you ... you've _tossed_ me!
[_Falls on ground, while the Bull stands over her, in readiness to give the coup de grace_; LYDIA _calls for help_.
_A Farm-hand_ (_encouragingly_). Nay, Miss, he seems moor sensible nor surly-- He knows as how good children perish early!
[_The Bull nods in acknowledgment that he is at last understood, and slaps his chest with his forelegs._
_Lydia._ Bull, I'll turn naughty, if you'll but be lenient!
Goodness, I see, is sometimes inconvenient.
I promise you henceforth I'll _try_, at any rate, To act like children who are unregenerate!
[Ill.u.s.tration: On top of the Pump.]
[_The Bull, after turning this over, decides to accept a compromise._
_Jack._ And, Lydia, when you ready for a lark are, Just give a chyhike to your friend--Jack Parker!
[_They shake hands warmly._
FINALE.
_Lydia._ I thought to slowly fade away so calm and beautiful.
(Though I didn't mean to go just yet); But you get no chance for pathos when you're chivied by a bull!
(So I thought I wouldn't go just yet.) For I did feel so upset, when I found that all you get By the exercise of virtue, is that bulls will come and hurt you!
That I thought I wouldn't go just yet!
_Chorus._ We hear, with some regret, That she doesn't mean to go just yet.
But a Bull with horns that hurt you Is a poor return for virtue, So she's wiser not to go just yet!
[_The Bull rises on his hindlegs, and gives a forehoof each to_ LYDIA _and_ JACK, _who dance wildly round and round as the Curtain falls_.
[N.B.--Music-hall Managers are warned that the morality of this particular Drama may possibly be called in question by some members of the L. C. C.]
