Red-Tape and Pigeon-Hole Generals Part 14

"Good Lord! Doctor, you might as well try to milk a he-goat with a bramble bush as to get money in camp now," said the Major.

"Corporal," said the Adjutant, a fast friend of the Doctor's, and being of a musical turn, his partner in many a Dutch duet, as a bright idea struck him, "you don't want the money now--there are no sutlers about, suppose the Doctor gives you an order on the Pay-Master."

"Well," said the Corporal, after some little study, and keeping a sharp look-out on the Adjutant, whose features were fixed, "that's a fact, I have no use for the money now. If one of you Head-Quarter officers endorses it, I will. 'Spose it's all straight."

The Adjutant drew the order, and one of the Field-Officers endorsed it, after the manner of doc.u.ments forwarded through regular military channels:

"Approved and respectfully forwarded."

It was handed to the Corporal, and he turned to go, leaving the horse with the Doctor, and giving the crowd an opportunity for their laugh, so far suppressed with difficulty. He had gone but a few paces when an exclamation from the quondam Third cavalryman called him back, and ended for the moment the laughter.

"Where does the old fellow live, Corporal?"

"Keep out that lane to the left, then across lots by a narrow path.

Can't miss it. He has no more horses."

"Don't want horses."

"That apple brandy it's no use trying for."

"Boys," said the Captain, "I'm good for half a dozen canteens of the stuff, I'll bet my boots on it. Who'll go along?"

"I," replied a st.u.r.dy brother Captain.

"Recollect now. All here at nine to-night to receive our report. No use to tell you that, though, when whiskey is about," said the first Captain, as the crowd dispersed.

And that report was given by his comrade to the punctual crowd as follows:

"When I came out to the charred pine stumps on the lane, where I was to meet the Captain, it was a little before dusk. I was just about clear of the wood, when the Colonel's big black mare, ridden by the Captain, came bouncing over a scrub pine and lit right in front of me. The d----l himself couldn't have made me feel a colder shudder.

"'What's the matter? Where's your horse?'

"'I thought we had better walk,' said I, recovered from the fright; 'it's only a short distance.'

"'That ain't the thing. There must be some style about this matter.'

"I had noticed that the Captain had on the Colonel's fancy Regulation overcoat, a gilt edged fatigue cap, his over-long jingling Mexican spurs, and the Major's sabre dangling from his side. I came back, got the Adjutant's horse, and rejoined him.

"'Now, I want you to understand,' said the Captain, putting on his prettiest, as we jogged along the lane, 'that I'm General Burnside. How does that strike you?'

"'That you don't look a d--n bit like Burney. He is no fancy man. Your style is nearer the Prince's,--Fitz John. All you want are the yellow kids,' rejoined I.

"'Too near home, that. How will Gen. Franklin do?'

"As I knew nothing about Franklin's appearance, I said I supposed that would do. Before respectable people I'd have hated to see any of our Generals wronged by the Captain's looks, but as it was only a Rebel, it didn't make any difference. And then the object overcame all scruples.

"'Well,' continued the Captain, 'you are to be one of my aids. When we get near the house, just fall back a pace or two.'

"And off he rode, the big mare trotting like an elephant, and keeping my nag up to a gallop. Keeping back a pace or two was a matter of necessity. The Captain was full a hundred yards ahead when he halted near the house to give me time to get in position, his black mare prancing and snorting under the Mexican ticklers in a manner that would have done credit to Bucephalus. He pranced on up towards the house, which was a long weather-boarded structure, a story and a half high, with a porch running its entire length. The building was put up, I should judge, before the war of 1812, and not repaired since. A crabbed old man in a grey coat, with horn b.u.t.tons, and tan-colored pantaloons, looking as if he didn't know what to make exactly of the character of his visitors, was on the porch. Near him, and somewhat in his rear, was a darkie about as old as himself.

"'Won't you get off your critters?' at length said the old man, his servant advancing to hold the horses.

"The Captain dismounted, and as his long spurs jingled, and the Major's sabre clattered on the rotten porch floor, the old fellow changed countenance considerably, impressed with the presence of greatness.

"'I am Major-General Franklin, sir, commander of a Grand Division of the Grand Army of the Potomac,' pompously said the Captain, at the same time introducing me as his Aid, Major Kennedy.

"'Well, gentlemen officers,' stammers the old man, confusedly, and bowing repeatedly, 'I always liked the old Union. I fit for it in the milish in the last war with the Britishers. Walk in, walk in,' continued he, pointing to the door which the darkie had opened.

"We went into a long room with a low ceiling, dirty floor with no carpet on, a few old chairs, with and without backs, and a walnut table that looked as if it once had leaves. In one corner was a clock, that stopped some time before the war commenced, as the old man afterwards told us, and in the opposite corner stood a dirty pine cupboard. While taking seats, I couldn't help thinking how badly the room would compare with a dining room of one of the neat little farm houses that you can see in any of our mountain gaps, where the land produces nothing but gra.s.shoppers and rocks, and the farmers have to get along by raising chickens to keep down the swarms of gra.s.shoppers, and by peddling huckleberries, and they say, but I never saw them at it, by holding the hind legs of the sheep up to let them get their noses between the rocks for pasture."

This latter a.s.sertion was indignantly denied by an officer who had his home in one of the gaps.

"'Well,' continued the Captain, 'I only give it as I heard it. The old man talked Union awhile, said he tried to be all right, but that his sons had run off with the Rebels; and he hemmed and hawed about his being all right until the Captain, who had been spitting fips a long time, got tired, especially after what the Corporal had said.

"'Well, my old brother patriot,' said the Captain, bending forward in his chair, and putting on a stern look, 'it don't look exactly right.'

"'How! What! gentlemen officers,' said the old Rebel, pretending, as he raised his hand to his ear, not to hear the Captain.

"The Captain repeated it louder in his gruff voice, and with a few more airs.

"'Why, gentlemen officers?' said the old man, rising, half bowing, and looking about, ready to do anything.

"'You know as well as we do,' said the Captain; 'that you wouldn't let two of your neighbors be this long in the house without offering them something to drink. Now, my old friend, as you say you're all right, we're neighbors in a good cause, and one neighborly act deserves another; you might be wanting to have your property protected, or to go to the Ferry, or to send something, and you could hardly get a pa.s.s without a Major-General having something to do with it.'

"At this last the old fellow's face brightened up somewhat.

"'I'll lose a right smart lot of crops,' said the old man, drawing his chair close to the Captain in a half begging, confidential sort of a way, 'if I don't get to the Ferry this fall. They're stored up there, and I want to go up and show them I am a Union man all right. George,'

turning to the darkie, who, cap in hand, stood at the door, 'strike a light and get the waiter, and three gla.s.ses, and bring up some of the old apple in a pitcher. Be careful not to spill any. Liquor is mighty scarce,' continued he, turning to us, 'in these parts since the war.

This 'ere I've saved over by hard squeezin'. It was stilled seven years ago this fall--the fall apples were so plenty.'

"George had the tallow-dip, a rusty waiter, three small old-fas.h.i.+oned blue gla.s.s tumblers, and a pitcher with the handle knocked off, on the table in good time. We closed around it with our chairs, and the Captain filled the gla.s.ses, and rising, gave for the first round 'The old Union.' Our gla.s.ses were emptied; the old man had but sipped of his.

"'My old friend, you fought in 1812, you say, and hardly touch your tumbler to the old Union. Come, it must have a full gla.s.s.' The authority in the tone of the Captain made the old man swallow it, but as he did so he muttered something about its being very scarce.

"'Now,' said the Captain, refilling the gla.s.ses, 'Here is The Union as it is.'

"The old Rebel feeling his first gla.s.s a little, and they say anyway when wine goes in the truth comes out, said in rather a low, trembling tone,

"'Now, the fact is, gentlemen officers, some Yankees--not you! not you!

but some Yankees way up North, acted kind of bad.'

"'That's not the question,' said the Captain, 'there are bad men all over, and lots of them in Virginia. The toast is before the house,'--the Captain had already swallowed his--'and it must be drunk;' and the Major's sabre struck the floor till the table shook.

"With a shudder at the sound the old man gulped it down. The gla.s.ses were refilled and the pitcher emptied.

"'Here's to The blessed Union as it will be, after all the d----d Rebels are either under the sod or swinging in hemp neck-ties about ten feet above it,' the Captain shouted, waving at the same time his uplifted gla.s.s in a way that brought a grin on George's face, and made the old man look pale.

"'Now! now! now! gentlemen officers,' gasped the old traitor, as if his breath was coming back by jerks, 'that is pretty hard, considerin'--considerin' my two sons ran off 'gainst my will--'gainst my will, gentlemen officers, understand, and jined the Rebels;' and then, as the liquor worked up his pluck and pride, he went on, 'and old Stonewall when he was here last, told me himself at this very table that such soldiers the South could be proud of; and Turner Ashby told me the same thing, and it would be agin all natur for an old man not to feel proud of such boys, after hearing all that from such men, and now you want me to drink such a toast. That----'