The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe Part 96

A mechanic his labor will often discard If the rate of his pay he dislikes: But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard-- Will continue to work though it STRIKES.

EPIGRAMS BY W. SAVAGE LANDOR

ON OBSERVING A VULGAR NAME ON THE PLINTH OF AN ANCIENT STATUE.

Barbarians must we always be?

Wild hunters in pursuit of fame?

Must there be nowhere stone or tree Ungashed with some ign.o.ble name.

O Venus! in thy Tuscan dome May every G.o.d watch over thee!

Apollo I bend thy bow o'er Rome, And guard thy sister's chast.i.ty.

Let Britons paint their bodies blue As formerly, but touch not you.

LYING IN STATE.

Now from the chamber all are gone Who gazed and wept o'er Wellington; Derby and Dis do all they can To emulate so great a man: If neither can be quite so great, Resolved is each to LIE IN STATE.

[Ill.u.s.tration: LANDOR]

EPIGRAMS FROM PUNCH.

THE CAUSE.

Lisette has lost her wanton wiles-- What secret care consumes her youth, And circ.u.mscribes her smiles?-- A SPECK ON A FRONT TOOTH?

IRISH PARTICULAR.

s.h.i.+el's oratory's like bottled Dublin stout-- For, draw the cork, and only froth comes out.

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER

A poor man went to hang himself, But treasure chanced to find: He pocketed the miser's pelf And left the rope behind.

His money gone, the miser hung Himself in sheer despair: Thus each the other's wants supplied, And that was surely fair.

STICKY.

I'm going to seal a letter, d.i.c.k, Some WAX pray give to me.

I have not got a SINGLE STICK, Or WHACKS I'd give to thee.

THE POET FOILED.

To win the maid the poet tries, And sometimes writes to Julia's eye She likes a VERSE--but, cruel whim, She still appears A-VERSE to him.

BLACK AND WHITE

The Tories vow the Whigs are black as night, And boast that they are only blessed with light.

Peel's politics to both sides so incline, His may be called the EQUINOCTIAL LINE.

INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.

Great Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head, And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!

A jury sat, and found the verdict plain-- She died of MILK and WATER ON THE BRAIN.

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

Said Stiggins to his wife, one day, "We've nothing left to eat; If things go on in this queer way, We shan't make BOTH ENDS MEET."

The dame replied, in words discreet, "We're not so badly fed, If we can make but ONE end MEAT, And make the other BREAD."

ON SEEING AN EXECUTION.

One morn, two friends before the Newgate drop, To see a culprit throttled, chanced to stop: "Alas!" cried one, as round in air he spun, "That miserable wretch's RACE IS RUN."

"True," said the other, drily, "to his cost, The race is run--but, by a NECK 'tis lost."

A VOICE, AND NOTHING ELSE.

"I wonder if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"

Said a punster, perusing a trial: "I vow, since his lords.h.i.+p was made Baron Vaux, He's been VAUX ET PRAETEREA NIHIL!"

THE AMENDE HONORABLE.

Quoth Will, "On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes."

"Quite safe!" cries d.i.c.k, "don't be afraid-- She pays for all she breaks."

THE CZAR.

CZAR NICHOLAS is so devout, they say, His majesty does nothing else than prey.

BAS BLEU.

Ma'amselle Bas Bleu, erudite virgin, With learned zeal is ever urging The love and reverence due From modern men to things antique, Egyptian, British, Roman, Greek, Relic of Gaul or Jew.

No wonder that, Ma'amselle, the love Due to antiquity to prove And urge is ever p.r.o.ne; She knows where'er there cease to be Admirers of Antiquity, She needs must lose her own!

TO A RICH YOUNG WIDOW.

I will not ask if thou canst touch The tuneful ivory key?