The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe Part 20

You may deal as you please with Hindoos and Chinese, Or a Mussulman making his heathen salaam, or A Jew or a Turk, but it's rather guess work When a man has to do with a Pilgrim or Palmer.

By chance the Prince Bishop, a Royal Divine, Sends his cards round the neighborhood next day, and urges his Wish to receive a snug party to dine, Of the resident clergy, the gentry, and burgesses.

At a quarter past five they are all alive, At the palace, for coaches are fast rolling in, And to every guest his card had express'd "Half-past" as the hour for "a greasy chin."

Some thirty are seated, and handsomely treated With the choicest Rhine wine in his Highness's stock When a Count of the Empire, who felt himself heated, Requested some water to mix with his Hock.

The Butler, who saw it, sent a maid out to draw it, But scarce had she given the windla.s.s a twirl, Ere Gengulphus's head, from the well's bottom, said In mild accents, "Do help us out, that's a good girl!"

Only fancy her dread when she saw a great head In her bucket;--with fright she was ready to drop:-- Conceive, if you can, how she roar'd and she ran, With the head rolling after her, bawling out "Stop!"

She ran and she roar'd, till she came to the board Where the Prince Bishop sat with his party around, When Gengulphus's poll, which continued to roll At her heels, on the table bounced up with a bound.

Never touching the cates, or the dishes or plates, The decanters or gla.s.ses, the sweetmeats or fruits, The head smiles, and begs them to bring his legs, As a well-spoken gentleman asks for his boots.

Kicking open the cas.e.m.e.nt, to each one's amazement Straight a right leg steps in, all impediment scorns, And near the head stopping, a left follows hopping Behind,--for the left leg was troubled with corns.

Next, before the beholders, two great brawny shoulders, And arms on their bent elbows dance through the throng; While two hands a.s.sist, though nipped off at the wrist, The said shoulders in bearing the body along.

They march up to the head, not one syllable said, For the thirty guests all stare in wonder and doubt, As the limbs in their sight arrange and unite, Till Gengulphus, though dead, looks as sound as a trout.

I will venture to say, from that hour to this day, Ne'er did such an a.s.sembly behold such a scene; Or a table divide fifteen guests of a side With a dead body placed in the center between.

Yes, they stared--well they might at so novel a sight No one utter'd a whisper, a sneeze, or a hem, But sat all bolt upright, and pale with affright; And they gazed at the dead man, the dead man at them.

The Prince Bishop's Jester, on punning intent, As he view'd the whole thirty, in jocular terms Said "They put him in mind of a Council of Trente Engaged in reviewing the Diet of Worms."

But what should they do?--Oh! n.o.body knew What was best to be done, either stranger or resident; The Chancellor's self read his Puffendorf through In vain, for his book could not furnish a precedent.

The Prince Bishop mutter'd a curse, and a prayer, Which his double capacity hit to a nicety; His Princely, or Lay, half induced him to swear, His Episcopal moiety said "Benedicite!"

The Coroner sat on the body that night, And the jury agreed,--not a doubt could they harbor,-- "That the chin of the corpse--the sole thing brought to light-- Had been recently shav'd by a very bad barber."

They sent out Van Taunsend, Von Burnie, Von Roe, Von Maine, and Von Rowantz--through chalets and chateaux, Towns, villages, hamlets, they told them to go, And they stuck up placards on the walls of the Stadthaus.

"MURDER!!

"WHEREAS, a dead gentleman, surname unknown, Has been recently found at his Highness's banquet, Rather shabbily dressed in an Amice, or gown In appearance resembling a second-hand blanket;

"And WHEREAS, there's great reason indeed to suspect That some ill-disposed person, or persons, with malice Aforethought, have kill'd, and begun to dissect The said Gentleman, not far from this palace.

"THIS IS TO GIVE NOTICE!--Whoever shall seize; And such person or persons, to justice surrender, Shall receive--such REWARD--as his Highness shall please, On conviction of him, the aforesaid offender.

"And, in order the matter more clearly to trace To the bottom, his Highness, the Prince Bishop, further, Of his clemency, offers free PARDON and Grace To all such as have NOT been concern'd in the murther.

"Done this day, at onr palace,--July twenty-five-- By command, (Signed) Johann Von Russell,

N.B.

Deceased rather in years--had a squint when alive; And smells slightly of gin--linen marked with a G."

The Newspapers, too, made no little ado, Though a different version each managed to dish up; Some said "The Prince Bishop had run a man through,"

Others said "an a.s.sa.s.sin had kill'd the Prince Bishop."

The "Ghent Herald" fell foul of the "Bruxelles Gazette,"

The "Bruxelles Gazette," with much sneering ironical, Scorn'd to remain in the "Ghent Herald's" debt, And the "Amsterdam Times" quizz'd the "Nuremberg Chronicle."

In one thing, indeed, all the journals agreed, Spite of "politics," "bias," or "party collision;"

Viz.: to "give," when they'd "further accounts" of the deed, "Full particulars" soon, in "a later Edition."

But now, while on all sides they rode and they ran, Trying all sorts of means to discover the caitiffs, Losing patience, the holy Gengulphus began To think it high time to "astonish the natives."

First, a Rittmeister's Frau, who was weak in both eyes, And supposed the most short-sighted woman in Holland, Found greater relief, to her joy and surprise, From one glimpse of his "squint" than from gla.s.ses by Dollond.

By the slightest approach to the tip of his Nose, Meagrims, headache, and vapors were put to the rout; And one single touch of his precious Great Toes Was a certain specific for chillblains and gout.

Rheumatics,--sciatica,--tic-douloureux!

Apply to his s.h.i.+n-bones--not one of them lingers-- All bilious complaints in an instant withdrew, If the patient was tickled with one of his fingers.

Much virtue was found to reside in his thumbs: When applied to the chest, they cured scantness of breathing.

Sea-sickness, and colic; or, rubb'd on the gums, Were "A blessing to Mothers," for infants in teething.

Whoever saluted the nape of his neck, Where the mark remain'd visible still of the knife, Notwithstanding east winds perspiration might check, Was safe from sore-throat for the rest of his life.

Thus, while each acute and each chronic complaint Giving way, proved an influence clearly Divine, They perceived the dead Gentleman must be a Saint, So they lock'd him up, body and bones, in a shrine.

Through country and town his new Saints.h.i.+p's renown As a first-rate physician kept daily increasing, Till, as Alderman Curtis told Alderman Brown, It seem'd as if "Wonders had never DONE CEASING,"

The Three Kings of Cologne began, it was known, A sad falling off in their offerings to find, His feats were so many--still the greatest of any,-- In every sense of the word, was-behind.

For the German Police were beginning to cease From exertions which each day more fruitless appear'd, When Gengulphus himself, his fame still to increase, Unravell'd the whole by the help of--his beard!

If you look back you'll see the aforesaid barbe gris, When divorced from the chin of its murder'd proprietor, Had been stuffed in the seat of a kind of settee, Or double-arm'd chair, to keep the thing quieter.

It may seem rather strange, that it did not arrange Itself in its place when the limbs join'd together; Perhaps it could not get out, for the cus.h.i.+on was stout, And constructed of good, strong, maroon-color'd leather

Or what is more likely, Gengulphus might choose, For saints, e'en when dead, still retain their volition, It should rest there, to aid some particular views, Produced by his very peculiar position,

Be that as it may, on the very first day That the widow Gengulphus sat down on that settee, What occur'd almost frightened her senses away, Beside scaring her hand-maidens, Gertrude and Betty,

They were telling their mistress the wonderful deeds Of the new Saint, to whom all the Town said their orisons; And especially how, as regards invalids, His miraculous cures far outrival'd Von Morison's.

"The cripples," said they, "fling their crutches away, And people born blind now can easily see us!"

But she (we presume, a disciple of Hume) Shook her head, and said angrily, "'Credat Judaeus!'

"Those rascally liars, the Monks and the Friars, To bring grist to their mill, these devices have hit on.

He works miracles!--pooh!--I'd believe it of you Just as soon, you great Geese,--or the Chair that I sit on!"

The Chair--at that word--it seems really absurd, But the truth must be told,--what contortions and grins Distorted her face!--She sprang up from her place Just as though she'd been sitting on needles and pins!