Twenty Years of Hus'ling Part 38

"Great ----!" he e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed. "You cussed, impudent Arab! Who got you this job?"

"You did," I replied; "but only for your beautiful figure and winning ways catching the eye of the land----"

"Shut up! shut up!" he yelled. "Don't you open your infernal head again."

Then I apologized, and said:

"Well, Doctor, you have satisfied me that you don't owe your washerwoman, so I'll take the bet you offered to make. And," I added, "I'll bet another cigar she won't let you in the house unless you have a bundle of was.h.i.+ng along, and show her that you have a legitimate right to call on her."

This exasperated him again, and made him more determined than ever to show us what he could do.

He selected a bracket, and started for the washerwoman, who lived directly back of the hotel, on another street. It fifteen minutes to twelve o'clock when he started.

About noon one of the kitchen girls came running to the office, and called me to come quick to the back door. I hastened, and to my astonishment found the Doctor, under the greatest excitement. No spectacles on, his hat gone, a large piece torn from his fine swallow-tailed coat, and to all appearances he had just emerged from the sewer.

"Great Heavens! Doctor; what is up?" I asked.

"Don't say a word! don't say a word!" he cried. "Get me to my room, quick, before any one sees me."

"Where is your hat?" I asked.

"Over to the washerwoman's," he gasped.

"And your cane--what has become----"

"Great Heavens! sure enough," he interrupted. "I forgot that. It's on her table. And my spectacles--the Lord knows where they are! But get me out of this, quick; and hurry over there and fix it."

"Fix what?" I asked. "What did she say, Doctor?"

"Good! all I heard her say was: 'What will my poor Mike do for his dinner?' and then she--never mind what she said, but hurry up."

I then said to him:

"Doctor, you go right through the dining room and on up-stairs to your room, and I'll go over and see if I can find what there is left of you."

He asked if there were no back stairs. I said yes, but they were very dark. I then led him to the back stair-way, and offered to accompany him to his room. But he said I should hurry over there and fix things. So, after explaining to him the back-stair route to his room, I was about to close the door on him, when he placed his hand on his head and said:

"My! just feel of this bunch. And I guess my hat is ruined, Hurry over and see about it, quick."

I closed the stair-way door and started across the back yard. When not more than six or eight rods away, I heard a noise at the house that startled me. One of the girls came running out, and screamed for me to come back, quick.

By the time I arrived there they had succeeded in hauling the Doctor out from the entrance to the stair-way, and he was completely deluged with slops.

He began swearing and cursing the chambermaid, and cursed me for hiring a Dutchman to do the work.

He then explained that after getting about two-thirds up the stairs, he had concluded to give it up and go the front way; and while descending he had come on the opposite side from that which he had ascended, and had stepped on a bucket filled with slops; and as a result he had landed at the very bottom of the stairs, with the contents all over him.

"Well, Doctor," said I, leading him to his room, "you are the most horrible-looking sight I ever beheld. It will be terrible, if the landlady comes home on the noon train."

"Good ----!" he faltered, "do you expect her home on this train? Here, let me go alone. You hurry over there. ---- that lazy Dutchman! Why didn't he empty the slops?"

I then made a fresh start for the Doctor's washerwoman. On the way I found his spectacles in a ditch, which had no water in, but plenty of mud. He had gotten out of the regular path, and in his excitement had waded into the ditch.

Upon reaching the house, I found the old lady under a high pressure of exasperation and excitement. When I asked if Doctor ---- had been there,

"Howly Moses!" she shrieked, "I shud think he _had_ been here, wid his dommed old stove-pipe demolisher. Be jabbers! he got a good whack over the head wid me mop-stick to pay for his flabbergasted stubbornness. And I think he'll have to sell more nor wan of thim pesky wire flumadoodles before he can replace the ould plug hat, which yez'll foind layin' theer in the wud-box."

I asked for an explanation.

She showed me how the Doctor had come in without any authority, and insisted on putting "wan of thim dom things on her stove-poipe." After fastening it on and explaining its purpose, he asked her to set her kettle of boiled dinner on, and see how stout and strong it was. This she refused to do, not believing it to be safe.

But the Doctor, "wid his dom jacka.s.s stubbornness," as she termed it, had forcibly taken the kettle from her hands and lifted it to the bracket.

No sooner was it done than the whole thing, bracket, stove-pipe, and kettle of dinner went cras.h.i.+ng to the floor; and without further ceremony she grabbed the nearest weapon to her, which happened to be the mop-stick, and a.s.sailed the intruder. She first struck his hat, knocking it off and bruising it badly, and next gave him a good whack over the head.

I asked how he tore his coat. She said, as he pa.s.sed out on the jump his coat caught on a nail, but it didn't lessen his speed one bit.

I returned to the hotel with the Doctor's hat, cane, spectacles, and the wire bracket, which the irate woman declared she wouldn't give house-room to.

The Doctor was in quite a critical condition. His head was badly swollen, several bruises were on his body from the fall down stairs, and a high fever had set in, compelling him to take to his bed.

His first question, when I entered his room, was: "What did she say?"

and the second was: "Did the landlady come on the train?"

I answered both, and gave him all the aid and consolation in my power.

Among other things, I promised if he ever recovered we would have his favorite pie and coffee every meal for two weeks. This pleased him greatly, for his appet.i.te for apple pie and Java coffee was seldom if ever satisfied.

He recovered in a few days, and said he was glad the landlady didn't return in the midst of that fracas.

A few days later he came rus.h.i.+ng into the hotel from up town, and said:

"I just met an old friend and former patron, who used to live in the southern part of the State. He now lives five miles from here, and they are going to have a dance at his house next Friday night. He wants me to come out, and bring you with me, as I told him all about you, and whose daughter you married. He has always known John Higgins, your father-in-law. I told him we would be there, so you must make calculations to go."

"All right, Doctor; we'll drive our horse out."

"That's what we'll do, that's what we'll do," he laughingly remarked.

If there was any one thing the Doctor prided himself in more than another, it was his gracefulness in "tripping the light fantastic toe."

He talked of nothing else from that time till Friday, and made more preparations for the occasion than the average person would for his own wedding.

When the hostler drove our rig to the front door, the Doctor with his highly polished boots, his heavy-checked skin-tight pants (then the height of fas.h.i.+on), his swallow-tailed coat--renovated and mended for the occasion, his low-cut vest, and his immaculate s.h.i.+rt-front with a large flaming red neck-tie, his face cleanly shaven, his ivory-white moustache waxed and twisted, his gold-headed cane and gold spectacles, and lastly, his newly ironed hat--standing there, as described, he certainly made a very striking appearance.

On our way out he became very impatient to make faster time, and declared that we got cheated when we traded the jewelry for such an infernal horse, and wanted to sell his half to me. I told him I would buy him out if he would take his pay in board. He became excited at once, and said he would be an idiot to do that, as it was just the same as understood that I was to board him, if I got the hotel to run.

"But suppose I should remain here for five years," said I, "what then?"

"What then?" he quickly e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed, "why then I suppose you'd find me here to the end of that time. I started out with you, and I intend to stay with you."