Ever Heard This? Part 9

DRAUGHTS

A well-known judge was so afraid of draughts that the air of his courts was always of a very high temperature. One of his colleagues once explained this habit by saying that he was preparing the bar for a future state.

TENDERNESS

A beggar in Dublin had been a long time besieging an old gouty, testy, limping gentleman, who refused his mite with much irritability; on which the mendicant said, "Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish your heart were as tender as your toes."

HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP

Little May was going to tea, and her mother was giving her some words of advice. "There will be a Bishop, dear; remember always to address him as My Lord when you speak."

During the afternoon the Bishop approached May, and, patting her on the head, said, "Well, little girl, how old are you?"

The Bishop's surprise was great when she replied, "My G.o.d, I'm eight."

HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE

One of the best known of Hook's puns was uttered to a visitor to his house at Fulham. The visitor, looking at Putney Bridge, said that he had heard that it was a good investment, and turning to his host asked if that was really so. "I really don't know," was the answer, "but you have only to cross it and you will certainly be tolled."

A GOOD EXAMPLE

A Welsh parson, in his sermon, told his congregation how kind and respectful we ought to be towards each other, and added, that in this respect we were greatly inferior to animals. To prove this, he mentioned as an example the circ.u.mstance of two goats, which met one another upon a narrow plank across a river, so that they could not pa.s.s by without one thrusting the other off, "Now, how do you think they did?

Why, I'll tell you. One lay down, and let the other leap over him. Ah, my beloved, let us live like goats."

A MISFIT

_a.s.sistant_: "Do the shoes fit, madam?"

_Madam_: "Oh, yes, they fit me perfectly; but they hurt me terribly when I try to walk."

A CHEERFUL INVITATION

An odd instance of the force of technical training is afforded by a story of one of the official attendants at a funeral. Having been charged with a message from a relative of the departed to another guest, he came across the room, and translating it into his own language, said, "If you please, sir, the corpse's brother would be happy to take wine with you."

THE INEVITABLE RESULT

The fervent temperance orator stopped in the midst of his speech, and said, impressively: "I wish all the pubs were at the bottom of the sea."

Voice in crowd, "Hear, hear!" "Ah, there speaks a n.o.ble teetotaller!"

"Not at all, I'm a diver."

JUSTICE

An Irishman, who was to undergo trial for theft, was being comforted by his priest. "Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy. Take my word for it, you'll get justice." "Troth, yer riverence," replied Dennis in an undertone, "and that's just what I am afraid of."

THAT AWFUL CHILD

"What does G.o.d have for His dinner, mother?" asked w.i.l.l.y.

"Sh-h. You must not ask such questions. G.o.d does not need any dinner."

"Then I suppose he has an egg for his tea."

A COSMOPOLITAN

Speaking of the different languages of Europe, a professor thus described them: "The French is the best language to speak to one's friend; the Italian to one's mistress; the English to the people; the Spanish to G.o.d, and the German to a horse."