Ever Heard This? Part 27

A Suffolk clergyman asked a schoolboy what was meant in the Catechism by succouring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt reply.

THE LATIN FOR COLD

A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars, in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "Oh! sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."

THE CUT DIRECT

A gentleman having his hair cut was asked by the garrulous operator how he would have it done?--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in silence."

COMMON WANT

In the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:

"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense----"

"Exactly," interrupted the chairman, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"

The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.

NOT TO BE BEATEN

A Highlander who prided himself on being able to play any tune on the pipes perched himself on the side of one of his native hills one Sunday morning and commenced blowing for all he was worth.

Presently the minister came along and, going up to MacDougall with the intention of severely reprimanding him, asked in a very harsh voice, "MacDougall, do you know the Ten Commandments?"

MacDougall scratched his chin for a moment and then, in an equally harsh voice, said:

"D'ye think you've beat me? Just whistle the first three or four bars, and I'll hae a try at it."

AN ODD NOTION

A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"

"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," replied the girl; "I'm married!"

"IF----"

"Faith, and it's meself as 'ill niver foind my s.h.i.+lling by the loight of a match. If I 'adn't 'ave lost it I could 'ave bought a flashloight to foind it with."

LATE AND EARLY

The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late to the office." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but see how early I go!"

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE

"I keep an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little upon it."

SHARP BOY

A mother admonis.h.i.+ng her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding tonight."

THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH

"Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," said a dear old lady in a country village, "as it seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry to be relieved of his watch."