School Room Humour Part 2

The curious workings of the child-mind are nowhere more conspicuously ill.u.s.trated than in the little essays and "pieces of composition" which they are set to write. Of course many of the children in the poorer elementary schools possess only a very limited and very primitive vocabulary. Hence, when they adventure upon rather long and unfamiliar words--conscientiously trying to reproduce what they have just heard the teacher say in the general verbal description of the story to be committed by them to paper--they often achieve fantastic results. But far more interesting is the fresh and original view of a given situation which emerges. Far more interesting, too, are the homely wit and the shrewd wisdom which these wholly delightful little efforts display. Let these attest.

"IT WOULD BE WORTH IT."--"What would you do with 5?" having been set to a cla.s.s of girls, the following was one of the forthcoming replies: "Dear Teacher,--If I had five pounds of my very own to do just what I like with, I should go on a railway journey and pull the alarm signal and just see what really would happen. Of course the five pounds would go to pay the fine; but I think it would be worth it.--I remain your loving ----."

MAN'S CLEVERNESS.--In a composition on Man a boy wrote, among other things: "Man is the only animal that can strike a light, and also he is the only animal that blows his nose."

WHY THEY PUNCH THE TICKET.--In a piece of composition on "A Railway Journey" a girl writes: "You have to get a ticket, which is a piece of paper, and you give it to a man, who cuts a hole in it _to let you pa.s.s through_."

GUNPOWDER PLOT.--"Gunpowder plot," wrote a nine-year-old youngster, "died in the year 1603. They gave Guyfawlks 100 of pounds for to blow up the parlament. Gunpowder plot married Sir Philp Sidny. Gunpowder plot had a battle with Guyfawlks. Guyfawlks wone the battle."

SHOULD MAKE A GOOD JOURNALIST.--The other day I told my cla.s.s (Standard VII.) to write me an account of an imaginary expedition to the North Pole. Here is an extract from one paper: "At last, we reached the North Pole. _We sailed into the harbour and went to see the town!_"

CONCERNING THE PIG.--Standard V. Boy: "A pig when living has four legs, but when you kill it the butcher says it only has two, because he calls the front legs shoulders and the back legs are called hams. Ham tastes nice, and they boil it to eat at a wedding. The missus sprinkles little bits of toast on it to make it look pretty."

CONCERNING HARES (Standard III. Composition).--"Young hairs are called leveretts. Hairs sleep much. They always sleep with their eyes open.

Hairs have no eyelashes. Their four legs are shorter than their hind legs. Their ear-ring is remarkably good. Hairs pa.s.s their lives in soletude and silents. They are often hunted on horseback and by hownds."

ON "AN INSECT."--"An insect's body is made up of ringed segments. When we tread on beetles we hear them crack, that is the segments. Insects have not red blood it is a sort of white liquid squas a fly and you will see what colour blood it has. The fly likes to lay its eggs in meat where the maggots will have food for she must die soon and will not be able to feed her brood."

THE CAMEL (by a beginner).--"Its nest is a very mean one, made of twigs, leaves, &c. It has a large body, and it is able to carry it full of water. It has two humps of fat on its back, on which it is able to feed when it is hungry. Its feet are webbed, in which it is able to cross the desert. Its air is used to make brushes which are used for painting. It also lays eggs. It eats worms."

THE SALVATION ARMY (Standard IV.).--"The Salvation Army is mostly on the street. The women in it cover up all their hair with funny sorts of bonnets that stick out in front to keep the rain off their faces.

Sometimes they have names on their hats like sailors. They make a deal of noise the worsed two is called captain and leftennant. They tell people about Jesus and make collections."

GIBRALTAR.--"Gibraltar is a strait on the west coast of France. It is famous for a beautiful rock. It is about one mile wide and five miles long. The English people took Gibraltar, and they placed a great many big guns there. There are a great many people at Gibraltar called apes.

And the other people are very proud of them because they are the only apes in Gibraltar. It is said they came from America."

ALCOHOL AND THE BLOOD.--"Of what is our blood composed, and what effect has alcohol upon it?" This was the question. The following is the written answer: "It is made up of five million red insects and one thousand white ones to every drop of blood. If alcohol is taken it causes these insects to dry up and die and come to the front of the body. Sometimes it is from this cause that people who drink alcohol are red in the face."

THE ANCIENT BRITONS.--It was the first year of compulsory composition, and Standard III. were asked to reproduce a lesson on the Ancient Britons in their own words. One young hopeful wrote: "The acient britons had no close on, they painted a wode on there body and it kept them a bit warm, there chief men was called druids and my farther is one, they call them acient britons becose it is a long time since."

PERSEVERANCE. [Essayist aged 10.]--"Were theirs a will theirs a way.

This is a very old proverb that has to do with what I'm writing. If we nearly always succeed we always is getting on, but if we don't succeed, we should try till we dose and then we should do it again which is a very wise way to persever. People who sits down never gets on and People who gets on dont sit down. We should all get on because it is the best thing to do at all times. We will have trails (trials?) but we must try again until them trails is gone."

TOUCHING BREAD.--The exercise was, "Write an essay on Bread." The following was the result: "Bread is made with flour and barm and is very useful. It is used for the people to eat and feeds them right. The bread gets cheapper every year sometimes. The bread as raised this year. But the people says it is getting the right weather. The bread is needed up by men and women. It is best when the men make the bread. Some of the women says that brown bread is good for their health. Bread is sometimes used for bread potises. Bread is a useful food escpecially the crust.

But crust is the best for to make peoples hair curel. Bread is used for making sop for children. The bread is made with flour, barm, and water."

A j.a.pANESE LAD'S DIARY.--This is an extract from a diary kept by a j.a.panese boy who, when he wrote it, was a pupil of an English school in China. The boy was sixteen years of age, and had been studying English for two and a half years:--"19th January.--I was up before the school's clock struck six. On going to the was.h.i.+ng chamber I found that the day was not very severe. I went to my cover (cupboard) and obtained the soap and sponge; the water was not so cold as previous days, but as usual when I finished was.h.i.+ng my fingers lost sense. I dressed myself and rang the bell at 7 o'clock punctually. At about 10 minutes past 7 Mr. A.

wanted me. He wished me to descend the stairs and command the boy (chief house servant) to attend to him and also to see whether the fire was made in the studio. I obeyed implicity, but just as I was descending the stairs I caught sight of the boy, so immediately told him to go to Mr.

A.; the fire was already made in downstairs. I rang the second bell and went into the dormitory to see all the boys. They were then all out of beds and dressing, there was n.o.body late. The bell was rang at 8 o'clock and we had finished our repast at half past. The school bell was rang at quarter to nine and Mr. B. took us in. The head master then came down. I learned copying, mathematics, algebra, composition. Our ball was fix by the Tiffin time, so we blew it up and had a fine game. The school began again at two. Shorthand, book-keeping, grammar, were the subjects of that afternoon. At four all the scholars came out. The football was then in the playground, attended by several boys. I joined in with Mr. A. who sided with me. A French-school lad appeared at the gate and was discussing with Brown. I did not know what were they disputing until Brown called me and told that he came as a messenger from the above school to say that they like to challenge us to play football. I thought it would be very pleasant to have a game with them so I said we will be able to accept the challenge. We thought it well to take Mr. A. and Mr.

B., and told them about it. The messenger went away to make enquiry about it. I went with him and ask if they agree willingly, they told me they should have Mr. C. if we take the above two. I came home and diffused among the fellows that I have heard. Brown said that it would be much better to withhold Mr. A. and B., but I gave no answer to it.

The evening came. A friend called upon me, and said that he was going to bestow upon me his photo. I accompanied him, and was delighted at the receipt of his image. I came home with it, and delighted to hear the dinner-bell. At half past seven our dinner was over, and I rang the night school-bell. All came into the studio (school) and did their work.

At nine o'clock I went up and jumped into bed to become oblivious."

AN ESSAY ON AN ELECTION.--During a recent District Council election a great deal of enthusiasm was shown in this place. Two days after a teacher gave her cla.s.s (Standard VII.) an essay to write on "An Election." The essay which follows is a complete and word-for-word copy of the effort of one of the girls in the cla.s.s: "An election means two things. First, the voice of the people spoken by choosing the most eligible person or persons to represent their creed, requirements, or grievances. Secondly, an election means lies, treachery, hypocrisy, drunkenness, anxiety, disappointment, and glorification. G.o.d save us from having another for twelve months."

A HAT'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--"Fancy yourself an old hat," said the teacher.

"Now write about yourself." Result: "I am an old hat telling you all about me. I am trimmed with velvet, and when any one take me out the people stand in the doorway laughing at me, and I am not pleased with them. I dont turn sulky like some boy's and girls do when any one call them. My hat is trimmed with green velvet, satan, flowers, cherries, and a large hostrige feather. When I go out the cherries in my hat tieses the birds. I was bought in a large hat shop in leeds. I was bought in a shop down briggate. It cost more than six s.h.i.+llings. I think I have told you all I know, and so I will say no more at present."

AT THE MENAGERIE.--"Describe," said the teacher, "in a letter to a friend, your visit yesterday to the menagerie." Here is one of the letters: "Dear Fred,--About a week ago I went to a manajery in our town.

The price to pay was tuppence and it was well worth the money. Their were a great number of animals. The animals what made the biggest row was the Kings of the beasts and a wild cat they had got. Their were a cage full of monkeys which was doing funny tricks, some was catching fleas and eating them. Their was a Elephant and a Kamel that give rides for a penny. Stodgy Mathers tumbled of and made his nose bleed, he did howl. There was various kinds of birds, such as the vulture, the Golden eagle and kangaroo, besides macaws and other ferocious animals. There was an horse. It had a main 13 feet long worth 10000. The man what entered the Lions den was the tamer. He was dressed in t.i.tes. When he went in he closed the door quick for fear they should spring out and devour the people. He soon made the lions do whatever they like. Lions are ferocious animals. The colour of the lion is yellow, also brown, though some are also red. Tigers are no use only to eat up men and called the maneater, likewise women and little babys, besides others. If a man was to meet a tiger in a lonely forest he would never forget it.

The elephant is remarkable for its prodijous strenth. Its trunk is useful to drink up and eating. Their was also a policeman at the door to keep disordered people and children out of mischief. Policemen are useful things when on duty. The colour of them is blue with a big helmet on. In a cage up a corner sat a grilla eating, and which its teeth is very sharp, and its claws. I saw some lepords and a zebra and a funny lobsided thing called a giraf. I saved my penny and bought some nuts which I gave the monkeys. One big faced fellow was so greedy he swallowed one of my nuts whole and it nearly choked him. He rubbed his stummick and choked and grasped for breath until the tears rolled down his cheeks. I thought I should die laughing. Greediness never prospers.

I also witnessed a fight between an hyeena and a wolf. Wolfs is ferocious animals. It was amusing to watch two monkeys fighting over a ginger bread. The biggest caught the other by the tail and dropped him on the floor with a crash on his head. I left then and went home and had a good tea.--your respectably, ----."

ON GOVERNMENT.--The exercise was an essay "On Government"--after, of course, a little disquisition by the teacher. The result:--"Our country has a King who can't do anything but what he ought to. There were Georges I., II., III., and IV., but there was eight Henrys. There is also houses called the Houses of Parliament. One of these is full of lords, called the House of Lords, but the other is only built for them gentlemen as perhaps you have seen some of them and it is called the House of Common. No gentlemen can get in there unless they know as he can make laws. But the King has to look them over and see as they are made right. These Commons are called Conservatives and Liberals, and they try and hinder one another as much as they can. They sometimes have sides, and then you see it on the plackards, and you can hear men and your fathers a talking quarrelling about it. Our country is governed a lot better than France, and Germany comes about next. Then there's a lot of others, and then comes Persia. Our country allways comes first, whoever you like to ask."

BABIES.--"Write me a piece of composition on Babies," said the teacher.

Here is a boy's effort on, to him, an obviously uncongenial topic:--"Babys are little red things without bones nor teeth. They have various sises, but just after they are borned, they are called bypeds; their bones are grisle. They are 2 sects, male and female; and are also very fat. When very young they do not have much hair; so you cannot tell wether they will turn into boys or girls until their hair grows. They are always asleep only when crying. They feed them on milk, or chue a injyrubber t.i.t, also their thum. When they are very little, they ware pettycoats same as girls; but boys soon wear jacket and trowsers. Girls are softer than boys, so they have to keep on wearing pettycoats, frocks, and &c., all their lives. Some babys have to be borned, and the doctor brings some, when the people have got plenty of money. Women and girls go silly over babys, and kiss them all over, and say silly things.