The Book of Humorous Verse - LightNovelsOnl.com
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As Spaniards gaze on Aragon, Upon that Female Paragon So gazed the Prophet's Cam-u-el, that primal Desert s.h.i.+p.
A connoisseur meticulous, He found her that ridiculous He grinned from ear to auricle _until he split his lip_!
Because of his temerity That Cam-u-el's posterity Must wear divided upper lips through all their solemn lives!
A prodigy astonis.h.i.+ng Reproachfully admonis.h.i.+ng Those, wicked, heartless married men who ridicule their wives.
_Arthur Guiterman._
UNSATISFIED YEARNING
Down in the silent hallway Scampers the dog about, And whines, and barks, and scratches, In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight, He straightway doth begin To set up a doleful howling In order to get in.
_R. K. Munkittrick._
KINDLY ADVICE
Be kind to the panther! for when thou wert young, In thy country far over the sea, 'Twas a panther ate up thy papa and mama, And had several mouthfuls of thee!
Be kind to the badger! for who shall decide The depth of his badgery soul?
And think of the tapir, when flashes the lamp O'er the fast and the free flowing bowl.
Be kind to the camel! nor let word of thine Ever put up his bactrian back; And cherish the she-kangaroo with her bag, Nor venture to give her the sack.
Be kind to the ostrich! for how canst thou hope To have such a stomach as it?
And when the proud day of your "bridal" shall come, Do give the poor birdie a "bit."
Be kind to the walrus! nor ever forget To have it on Tuesday to tea; But b.u.t.ter the crumpets on only one side, Save such as are eaten by thee.
Be kind to the bison! and let the jackal In the light of thy love have a share; And coax the ichneumon to grow a new tail, And have lots of larks in its lair!
Be kind to the bustard, that genial bird, And humour its wishes and ways; And when the poor elephant suffers from bile, Then tenderly lace up his stays!
_Unknown._
KINDNESS TO ANIMALS
Speak gently to the herring and kindly to the calf, Be blithesome with the bunny, at barnacles don't laugh!
Give nuts unto the monkey, and buns unto the bear, Ne'er hint at currant jelly if you chance to see a hare!
Oh, little girls, pray hide your combs when tortoises draw nigh, And never in the hearing of a pigeon whisper Pie!
But give the stranded jelly-fish a shove into the sea,-- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be!
Oh, make not game of sparrows, nor faces at the ram, And ne'er allude to mint sauce when calling on a lamb.
Don't beard the thoughtful oyster, don't dare the cod to crimp, Don't cheat the pike, or ever try to pot the playful shrimp.
Tread lightly on the turning worm, don't bruise the b.u.t.terfly, Don't ridicule the wry-neck, nor sneer at salmon-fry; Oh, ne'er delight to make dogs fight, nor bantams disagree,-- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be!
Be lenient with lobsters, and ever kind to crabs, And be not disrespectful to cuttle-fish or dabs; Chase not the Cochin-China, chaff not the ox obese, And babble not of feather-beds in company with geese.
Be tender with the tadpole, and let the limpet thrive, Be merciful to mussels, don't skin your eels alive; When talking to a turtle don't mention calipee-- Be always kind to animals wherever you may be.
_J. Ashby-Sterry._
TO BE OR NOT TO BE
I
I sometimes think I'd rather crow And be a rooster than to roost And be a crow. But I dunno.
II
A rooster he can roost also, Which don't seem fair when crows can't crow.
Which may help some. Still I dunno.
III
Crows should be glad of one thing, though; n.o.body thinks of eating crow, While roosters they are good enough For anyone unless they're tough.
IV
There are lots of tough old roosters, though, And anyway a crow can't crow, So mebby roosters stand more show.
It looks that way. But I dunno.
_Unknown._
THE HEN
Was once a hen of wit not small (In fact, 'twas not amazing), And apt at laying eggs withal, Who, when she'd done, would scream and bawl, As if the house were blazing.
A turkey-c.o.c.k, of age mature, Felt thereat indignation; 'Twas quite improper, he was sure-- He would no more the thing endure; So, after cogitation, He to the lady straight repaired, And thus his business he declared: "Madam, pray, what's the matter, That always, when you've laid an egg, You make so great a clatter?
I wish you'd do the thing in quiet.
Do be advised by me, and try it."
