16 Things I Thought were True Part 37

I'm sorry. A crying face icon.

256.

sixteenthings.indd 256 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

1 6 T H I N G S I T H O U G H T W E R E T R U E.

Th e happy bubbles in my brain begin popping.

"What's up?" Adam asks as he sips at his c.o.ke. He's learning to accept my phone habit, which bodes well for our future.

I hold up the phone and show him the message. He lifts his eye- brows, takes another bite of his sandwich, but doesn't comment.

He chews, watching me type.

I forgive you, I type. But that's not the whole message. I type more.

I forgive you, but I can't hang out with you anymore.

Friends don't do that to each other.

She has to deal with what she did, as much as I do. I glance at Adam, dying to add something about my fabulous new boyfriend.

And my new best friend. But I think of Amy. And how brave she is. And I want to be a little more like her. I press send and let her go. And then I tuck my phone in my pocket.

"It's not fair," I tell Adam.

"What Lexi did?"

"No. Amy. She's done nothing to deserve being sick. Nothing."

He nods and I lean closer to him, wis.h.i.+ng we could make her better.

My phone beeps again to let me know I got another text. I glance at it, frowning when I see it's from Jake.

Come right home. Right now.

257.

sixteenthings.indd 257 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

sixteenthings.indd 258 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

chapter twenty- four.

17. In the end, people get what they deserve.

#thingsIthoughtweretrue A dam holds my hand. "It's going to be okay," he says for the millionth time. I can hardly breathe. Jake's not picking up his cell phone or answering my frantic texts back. I've tried the home line, but no one's answering that either. I want to scream at Jake for not picking up.

It's my mom. I know it. My mom and I haven't talked since the fight. Not really. She's been falling all over Adam, practically greeting him at the door with a shoe in her mouth when he comes to get me. Now I'm horrified how badly I've been treating her.

When we finally get home, I run through the front door. Jake meets us in the doorway, staring at us with wide eyes.

"Morgan." He looks like he's trying hard not to cry.

"What?" My mom is dead. I know it. Her heart has gone and done what she predicted- failed. "Is it Mom?"

It's my fault. I did this. By refusing to forgive her. She died thinking I hated her, that I would never forgive her. Adam steps closer to me and his body heat warms my side. I squeeze my eyes shut. I sixteenthings.indd 259 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

J a n e t G u r t l e r don't hate her. Not really. I thought I had time to work things out in my head. I needed time. I planned on talking to her when I was twenty- one or something. A sob escapes from my chest. I figured I had lots of time.

Jake grabs me by the shoulder. "No. Listen to me. Mom is fine. She's with Josh." His face is so pale he looks like he's going to be sick.

"Where'd they go? Jake, what the h.e.l.l is going on?"

"Amy's parents called. They had Mom's cell number because of your trip." Jake presses his lips tighter. "I saw her this morning. I was planning to ask her out. When she got better, you know. She's supposed to get better. She's so cute. Real. We had a, like, a...con- nection." He shakes his head.

"Oh my G.o.d- Amy?" I say.

The walls of the hallway tighten and the air becomes harder to breathe. I step away from Adam, trying to get s.p.a.ce, to breathe.

"She's gone, Chaps." Jake's voice fades out, as if I'm listening to him from inside a tunnel. "Her surgery was moved up. She went into cardiac arrest on the table. She died almost instantly."

I'm the one shaking my head now. "No, she didn't."

I wrap my arms around myself. I'm freezing.

"s.h.i.+t," I hear Adam say, but he's in a tunnel too. I can't feel his warmth even when he wraps both arms around me and pulls me into his chest.

"No, she didn't." I stare at Adam's s.h.i.+rt and see it's getting wet. But I'm not crying. I'm not making noise. My body makes no sense to me.

The doorbell rings. We all stare at it.

260.

sixteenthings.indd 260 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

1 6 t h i n g s i t h o u g h t w e r e t r u e "She can't die. She's only eighteen," I say to both boys. It's not possible. Not fair. It's not fair. Jake walks to the front door and opens it.

Lexi is standing outside. I stare at her. Jakes stares at her. Adam has no idea who she is.

"You can't forgive me?" she says. She glances at Adam with his arms wrapped around me. Her eyes flash with something. Hatred?

Envy? "You knew. You pretend you had no idea, that you're the innocent one. But you knew I posted that video."

"What the h.e.l.l?" Jake says.

I'm shaking. I know what she's talking about, but it's so incred- ibly stupid I can't even believe I thought it mattered. None of that matters. But here she is. Because it makes no sense at all.

"Lexi," I say, and my voice sounds calmer than it should. "This is not a good time."

"Why? You don't want your boyfriend to find out the truth. Adam Ranard? Really? I thought we had standards, Morgan."

"Morgan," Adam says, "who is this?"

"Lexi," Jake says, and she takes that as some sort of invitation and steps inside the house.

"We go to the same school, Adam," she tells him. I know her well enough to know it p.i.s.ses her off that he doesn't know who she is. I stare at her like she's a stranger.

"I need to go," I say. "I need to go right this minute and see Amy."

"You can't go there now," Jake says. "It's too late."

"Who the h.e.l.l is Amy?" Lexi demands.

"Lexi, you need to leave," Adam says kindly, despite her earlier insult.

261.

sixteenthings.indd 261 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

J a n e t G u r t l e r Jake puts a hand on my back, trying to move me to the living room. I grip my toes to the uneven tiles in the hallway, a project that we never get around to fixing. "We need to go see Amy." I try to shove past Lexi, but Adam and Jake each grab me. Adam puts his arm around my shoulder again and Jake lets me go.

"Morgan. We can't." Jake runs his hands over his short hair.

Lexi frowns, clearly not happy she's not getting the attention she thinks she deserves. "She knew," she repeats to us all. "She pretends she didn't know, but she knew I posted that video. She could have stopped me before anyone saw it. This is just as much her fault as it is mine."

My cheeks burn but my hand clenches into a fist.

Jake's mouth drops open and he finally looks at Lexi, stares at her really. "Are you kidding me?" he shouts. "Get the h.e.l.l out of this house. Someone we care about just died and you're here to try and blame your stupid decisions on my sister? Go." Jake grabs Lexi by the arm, opens the front door, and pushes her outside.

My ears are burning; my head is a mess. None of this makes sense.

My phone rings. I glance around and automatically grab it from my pocket and click it on. "h.e.l.lo?"

Adam is frowning like there's something wrong with me. He's right. There is.

"Morgan. It's, um, Bob. Bob White."

I stare at the phone. Shocked. Now?

"What?" I ask bluntly.

"Um. I want to talk to you. I've tried calling a few times and you haven't called back."

He has no idea how colossally bad his timing is. But it's like I 262.

sixteenthings.indd 262 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

1 6 t h i n g s i t h o u g h t w e r e t r u e can't stop making things worse for myself. "That's because I don't want to talk to you." In some far- off part of my brain, I realize he doesn't deserve such fierce anger. Am I punis.h.i.+ng him, or am I punis.h.i.+ng myself?

He's shocked into silence so I make it easy for him and hang up.

I hear the door to my dad slam shut. I close my eyes and see Amy's face. Her disappointment. I struggle to keep in the tears. I'm ruin- ing things. But it's what I deserve. I deserve this. I deserve to have him hate me. I'm a horrible person and I do horrible things.

"Who was that?" Adam asks softly.

"Wrong number."

The three of us stand in the hallway, trying not to cry, not able to talk, trying to figure out what to say or do when we hear a car pull into the driveway. I follow Jake outside. Adam is beside me, his arm still around me. Lexi is gone.

Mom's in the pa.s.senger seat of Josh's car. She jumps out with the car still running and hurries toward us. She rushes at Jake- and then she runs past him and comes for me.

Adam lets me go and my hands fall to my side. "Mommy," I whisper. She wraps her arms around me and holds me in tight.

I inhale the familiar scent. She smells better; the smoke scent is gone.

"It's okay, Morgan," she says in my ear. "Everything is going to be okay." I cling to her like a little girl. I'd forgotten these- her soothing hugs. The hug when I didn't get the badge I wanted in Girl Guides. The hug when the other girls made fun of me for bringing my mom for the father- daughter picnic. The hug when 263.

sixteenthings.indd 263 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

J a n e t G u r t l e r Greg Pierce, the boy I liked in sixth grade, asked Lexi to slow dance instead of me. The mom who had my back.

Some things have changed. Her body is bonier. Her long hair gets caught up in my teeth. But the hug is the same. And with a rush, I wish I could take back what I said to Bob. But he'll probably never forgive me.

"I had a dream about Amy last night," she says. And I listen to her tell me her dream the way I've listened to hundreds of dreams before. And she doesn't let me go but leads me back inside the house, explaining that Amy is going to be fine now. That's she's at peace.

As short as the time was that I knew Amy, I know nothing will be the same without her. And I know I let her down. I wonder if she knows. And if she'll ever forgive me from wherever she's gone to now. I hope it's a better place. She deserves a better place.

264.

sixteenthings.indd 264 9/9/13 2:21 PM.

chapter twenty- five.