The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 71

"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?"

"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catch the horse."

"Catch him! Fires and furies--was he alive?"

"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know."

"Skin him alive! did you kill him?"

"To be sure I did, your honor--and sure you know I must obey orders without asking questions."

A REASON.

AS a n.o.bleman was receiving from Louis XIII. the invest.i.ture of an Ecclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion, _Domine, non sum dignus._--"Lord, I am not worthy." "I know that well enough," replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of my cousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you."

CANVa.s.sING.

AT an election, a candidate solicited a vote.

"I would rather vote for the devil than you," was the reply.

"But in case your friend is not a candidate," said the solicitor, "might I then count on your a.s.sistance?"

WIT OF AN IRISH JARVEY.

AN anecdote, ill.u.s.trative of the wit of Irish "jarveys," is going the rounds in Dublin. Mr. ---- is a man of aldermanic proportions. He chartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, and drove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence, which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for the distance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place of taking the money which Mr. ----held in his hands, he busied himself putting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at the back of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shook ostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head with it. After doing so he took the "fare" from the pa.s.senger, who, surprised at the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole of these proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" To which the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to the infinite amus.e.m.e.nt of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I cover the horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn't want to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so far for sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen, that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his ready joke.

A CONSEQUENCE.

A GENTLEMAN complained that his apothecary had so stuffed him with drugs, that he was _sick_ for a fortnight after he was _quite well_.

A SEA CHAPLAIN.

THE captain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, a Scotchman, announced his death to his lords.h.i.+p, adding he was sorry to inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much the better," said his lords.h.i.+p. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a _British clergyman_?" "_Why, because I believe I am the first captain that ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all._"

THE MODEST BARRISTER.

A COUNSEL, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of a.s.sault, asked her, if the person who was a.s.saulted did not give the defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learned counsel, had not _impudence_ enough to repeat? She replied in the affirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough," said he, "to tell the Court what these words were?" "Why, Sir," replied she, "if _you_ have not _impudence_ enough to speak them, how can you suppose that _I_ have?"

A DISTINCTION.

A LADY came up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth, which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house," said the lady. "It cannot be complied with," was the reply. "Do you know who I am, Sir?" "No, Madam." "I am the Captain's _lady_." "_If you were his wife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!_"

CONSEQUENCE.

A PRAGMATICAL fellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town, entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath his dignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he was taking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewhere discussing the point, as to what cla.s.s their customer belonged. At length the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous.

"Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for the house!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure, Sir, that you was no gentleman."

Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a gla.s.s of brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and after drinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir," said the waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition: call your master." The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating, when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence is the price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not ent.i.tled to that character trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to get rid of them."

PROOF OF CIVILIZATION.

A PERSON who had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of the possibility of it," said he, "I have known negroes who thought as little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European whatever."

MAN AND BEAST.

"I AND Disraeli put up at the same tavern last night," said a dandified sn.o.b, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation then for man and beast," replied a bystander.