The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 69

CATCHING A TARTAR.

AN Irish soldier called out to his companion:

"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner."

"Bring him along, then; bring him along!"

"He won't come."

"Then come yourself."

"_He won't let me._"

ANTIGALLICAN.

A DOWNRIGHT John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a gla.s.s of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursed _French stuff_." The waiter said respectfully, "_Genuine British_, Sir, I a.s.sure you."

IMPRACTICABILITY.

A GENTLEMAN in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once."

A DIALOGUE.

THE late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following hits took place:

_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this fiddling.

_S._ Sir, I endeavor to _keep time_.

_W._ You mean rather to _kill time_.

_S._ No, I only _beat time_.

AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT.

A FRENCH gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, "you are a complete proof of the contrary."

A COMMAND ANTIc.i.p.aTED.

IN the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, was ordered to form _two deep_. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm _too deep_ already; I am up to the middle."

A SMALL MISTAKE.

AN uninformed Irishman, hearing the _Sphinx_ alluded to in company, whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man."

"Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "_a Munster-man_! I thought he was from Connaught."

A HOME TRUTH.

WHEN the late d.u.c.h.ess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the worst part of her Grace's property."

s.h.i.+NING WIT.

A BUCK having his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to the Irish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all the _polish_ you have is on your boots, and that I gave you."

A FATAL STEP PREVENTED.

A BEGGAR importuned a lady for alms; she gave him a s.h.i.+lling. "G.o.d bless your ladys.h.i.+p!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing my resolution." The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked what he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this s.h.i.+lling I should have been obliged to go _to work_."