The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 11

"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he pull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of the wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir."--Well, I hold myself with patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_ match--a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of _boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance, and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued."

Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish, great noise come into the pa.s.sage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but very civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel, and one has given another a _box_ on the ear."

Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pa.s.s, at all the women ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very pa.s.sable and agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come one another coach of the opposition to pa.s.s by, and the coachman say--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one narrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice, cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'll tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_." It was not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning.

Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my seat, and go at the bureau for pay my pa.s.sage, and gentleman very polite demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is real gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir, because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--very sorry--no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these come at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthy gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber; and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_ Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh?

But never mind--I am going at Leicesters.h.i.+re to see the foxes hunting, and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost "visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not hear me no more--he p.r.o.nounce me perfect.

After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at all--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic.

I have the honour of subscribe myself,

Your much obedient servant,

LOUIS LE CHEMINANT.

P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicesters.h.i.+re for the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he come and demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, to give what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas _Boxes_.--_Blackwood's Magazine._

ABSURDITIES.

TO attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty.--To lose money at play, and then fly into a pa.s.sion about it.--To ask the publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.--To ask a wine merchant how old his wine is.--To make yourself generally disagreeable, and wonder that n.o.body will visit you, unless they gain some palpable advantage by it.--To get drunk, and complain the next morning of a headache.--To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder that you are ragged.--To sit s.h.i.+vering in the cold because you won't have a fire till November.--To suppose that reviewers generally read more than the t.i.tle-page of the works they praise or condemn.--To judge of people's piety by their attendance at church.--To keep your clerks on miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.--Not to go to bed when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."--To make your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they tell lies for themselves.--To tell your own secrets, and believe other people will keep them.--To render a man a service voluntarily, and expect him to be grateful for it.--To expect to make people honest by hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the means of getting work.--To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is asked for it.--To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to an hospital.--To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of its being a thief.--To degrade human nature in the hope of improving it.--To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it did not once belong to somebody else.--To expect that your tradespeople will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby clothes.--To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice, folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of.

GOOD REASON.

AN Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out, replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em."

PUTTING DOWN A LADY.

AT a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "I think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say what was not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."

WOMAN'S RIGHTS.

MISS Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put the question, "Marriage--what is it?" an Irish echo in the _Boston Post_ inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

A COMPROMISE.

A BOY was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of a store, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer.

The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and after using all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent, proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll pay you for them, and _lick me besides_." This appeal was too much for the grocer to stand out against.

ELECTION MORALS.

AN elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recent contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh,"

said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for nothing." "If that is the case," rejoined the elector, "I promise you my vote at once."--_Galignani's Messenger._

A QUANDARY.

THE _New Orleans Picayune_ defines a quandary thus:--"A baker with both arms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers."

We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of the thing as the _Picayune's_ definition. An old gentleman, who had studied theological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains, determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but that matter and form would be given him, without any particular preparation on his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung and prayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on one leg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, and then on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came to his relief:--"If any of you down there think you can preach, just come up here and try it!"--_North Carolina Patriot._

ELEGANT EXTRACT.

A PERFUMER should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making "elegant extracts."

EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an a.s.sizes:--

_Counsel_: What was the height of the horse?--_Witness_: Sixteen feet.

_Counsel_: How old was he?--_Witness_: Six years.

_Counsel_: How high did you say he was?--_Witness_: Sixteen hands.