Sinner Takes All_ A Memoir of Love and Porn Part 3

As Sadie Jordan in Paradise Hotel Paradise Hotel One of my dirty little secrets is that I really do enjoy rough s.e.x, but only to an extent. And it's hard to articulate what that line is until someone crosses it. Well, a p.o.r.n actor who I'd rather not name in this story stepped over that line on the set of a film I refuse to name as well. He was a Puerto Rican performer who is known for being a little rough with girls and he treated me no different. I told him I liked it rough, and I didn't mind his hands on my throat or him pulling my hair. But he did it a little too hard. He touched me a little too rough. He grabbed my hair a little too tightly. He just did everything a little too much.

But the worst part was the look in his eyes. I can normally look a man in the eyes and feel a connection. I can normally turn a guy on with that connection while we're having s.e.x. But when I looked into his eyes, he wasn't there. He was blank. He had this look like he actually hated women and was f.u.c.king me out of hate, not out of l.u.s.t or pa.s.sion. He was a monster to me. I used my "switch" and just turned it off, did my job, and got through it. My fans tell me that scene is a hard one to watch. I don't know because I haven't watched it, but I'll never forget how I felt when I left that set.

That experience didn't dissuade me from doing more movies, though. I just learned to be more specific about what kind of rough s.e.x I liked the next time I shot. And I learned that I could choose whom I want to, and don't want to, work with. I was the one in charge, and I never let anyone forget that.

On a lighter note, the funniest scene in my entire career happened on the set of Angel Dust Angel Dust with a Spanish performer named Nacho Vidal, who had the biggest c.o.c.k I'd ever seen. He was the sweetest guy ever, but his English wasn't so great. During our scene, he had me from behind doggy-style, and I looked over at him and said, "f.u.c.k me like a wh.o.r.e." with a Spanish performer named Nacho Vidal, who had the biggest c.o.c.k I'd ever seen. He was the sweetest guy ever, but his English wasn't so great. During our scene, he had me from behind doggy-style, and I looked over at him and said, "f.u.c.k me like a wh.o.r.e."

He obviously didn't hear me correctly or maybe he got the words confused because he started saying in his s.e.xy p.o.r.n voice, "OK, horse. You like that, horse? How's that feel, horse?"

I started to crack up. The crew started to crack up. The director lost it. And poor Nacho got very embarra.s.sed and confused and asked, "What? What are you laughing at?"

"Oh, honey," I said to him. "I said wh.o.r.e wh.o.r.e, not horse."

We all just lost it. The poor guy was really sensitive about his English and he thought we were making fun of him. But it was too funny to not laugh.

My third most memorable moment of 1999 was a photo shoot I did with Jenna Jameson with the French magazine Hot Video Hot Video for a s.e.xy spread t.i.tled "The Blonde Is Not Enough." Jenna showed up with her then-boyfriend for a s.e.xy spread t.i.tled "The Blonde Is Not Enough." Jenna showed up with her then-boyfriend four four hours late, but I didn't care. That just left more time for me in the makeup chair with Lee Garland, who was one of my favorite makeup artists. He painted the faces of every major star in the p.o.r.n industry since the late '80s and he was known for making any girl look flawless. hours late, but I didn't care. That just left more time for me in the makeup chair with Lee Garland, who was one of my favorite makeup artists. He painted the faces of every major star in the p.o.r.n industry since the late '80s and he was known for making any girl look flawless.

Jenna and I got along great. We both joked around a lot and liked to have fun. So, for two hours, we goofed off for the cameras and had a blast. We had to act out all of these different s.e.x positions together, including going down on each other and getting it on with a very large black d.i.l.d.o. We loved the d.i.l.d.o so much that in between photo set-ups, we'd take turns just sitting on it. Neither one of us wanted to take it out! We were cracking up the entire time, and comparing notes on how sore our necks each were from having to look up at the camera while eating each other's p.u.s.s.y. Yes, neck pain is just one of the hazards of our job.

She must have liked working with me, because before leaving the set that day she gave me some advice: "You should do this series called Virtual s.e.x Virtual s.e.x. I just did it. It's with this woman Samantha Lewis of Digital Playground. She'll pay you really well for it."

"OK, Jenna. Thanks!" I replied.

An outtake from the Hot Video sessions It was the second time that month that Samantha Lewis's name came up. Ron Atkinson, a director and production manager in the adult industry, called me one day out of the blue on my cell (which, I kid you not, had the last four digits 6969) and said he had a friend named Samantha who was interested in doing a movie with me and that she pays top dollar.

I was always interested in working and was excited that both Jenna and Ron had vouched for this woman. A lot of money sounded good to me. The Van Nuys-based Digital Playground was a relatively new p.o.r.n production company--it started just six years earlier in 1993. But if it was good enough for Jenna, it was good enough for me. I looked at it as just another movie, another f.u.c.k, and another day on a glamorous set. I was in.

So I met with Samantha and her partner at Digital Playground, Ali Joone, in December 1999 and shot Virtual s.e.x with Tera Patrick Virtual s.e.x with Tera Patrick for them a week later. The Virtual s.e.x series is an interactive movie where you only see the girl performer and a guy's p.e.n.i.s and the viewer takes the role of the male star and can dictate which s.e.x acts he does with the female performer. Here's how it works: I welcome the viewer and invite him to control my actions by using b.u.t.tons on his remote control. He can choose to have me tell him stories, perform fore-play, give him a b.l.o.w.j.o.b, or have s.e.x with him in a variety of positions. You can even choose the camera angles and decide whether you want me to be naughty or nice. p.o.r.n has always been at the forefront of technology, and this was an exciting, ground-breaking new format to be a part of. for them a week later. The Virtual s.e.x series is an interactive movie where you only see the girl performer and a guy's p.e.n.i.s and the viewer takes the role of the male star and can dictate which s.e.x acts he does with the female performer. Here's how it works: I welcome the viewer and invite him to control my actions by using b.u.t.tons on his remote control. He can choose to have me tell him stories, perform fore-play, give him a b.l.o.w.j.o.b, or have s.e.x with him in a variety of positions. You can even choose the camera angles and decide whether you want me to be naughty or nice. p.o.r.n has always been at the forefront of technology, and this was an exciting, ground-breaking new format to be a part of.

With Jenna in 2006 Samantha asked me how much I wanted to get paid for the movie and still not having a clue about the business, I said, "Oh, $5,000 would be good." Knowing what I know now, I probably could've said $50,000 since the video ended up being a top-selling DVD for the company. I even won an AVN Award for it for Best Interactive DVD. (The AVNs, put on by the industry trade magazine Adult Video News Adult Video News, are the Oscars of the p.o.r.n industry and are held every January in Las Vegas.) The movie turned out great, but it was not a fun shoot for me. I was not about making great movies at the time. I was about having great s.e.x on camera, and this was not that. It was very technical and clinical and a tedious fifteen-hour workday. It was one of the hardest shoots I've ever done. I couldn't really get off in that film. There was too much stop/start, this angle/that angle, do this/do that. I couldn't just f.u.c.k, and that was frustrating for me.

The day after the shoot, Samantha asked me if I was under contract to anyone. I told her that I wasn't and Digital offered me a contract. I wasn't sure what to do so I talked my agent, Jim South, who was a good man with good advice. He was such a Southern gentleman. Jim was an older man with a lot of character in his face, slicked back hair, a big mustache, and talked with a soothing Southern drawl. "Well, you know, Tera," he said to me. "You've been working freelance and making good money. But you might do better if you were under contract."

He knew it was time for me to advance to the next level. I didn't call Digital Playground back right away. Instead, I decided to shop around and see what else was out there.

The first company I went to was Wicked Pictures in Canoga Park. They are known for their big, elaborate, cinematic feature films. They were the most "Hollywood" of all the p.o.r.n companies and they had big-name contract girls like Jenna Jameson, Chasey Lain, and Alexa Rae in their stable. I met with the owner, Steve Orenstein, and he wanted to sign me right away. Jenna had just left the company and they were looking for the next big thing, and that was me. But Wicked wasn't right for me. I didn't want to be stuck only doing big, elaborate movies. I was not into feature films. I was into so-called gonzo films. I never wanted to be an actress. People want to see Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp act and they want to see p.o.r.n people f.u.c.k. I was into f.u.c.king. If I wanted to be an actress, then Wicked would've been the place to be. Everyone said I was too good for gonzo, but it's what I liked.

GONZO FILMS: These p.o.r.nos are short on plot and long on close-ups of action. Gonzo films tend to run shorter than features. They are typically shot with a single camera and a smaller crew, and the performer often acknowledges the camera. I love gonzo! These p.o.r.nos are short on plot and long on close-ups of action. Gonzo films tend to run shorter than features. They are typically shot with a single camera and a smaller crew, and the performer often acknowledges the camera. I love gonzo!

FEATURE FILMS: These have plots, dialogue, and often elaborate sets and storytelling. Features tend to run longer, have a larger crew, and be more complicated to shoot. I don't love features! These have plots, dialogue, and often elaborate sets and storytelling. Features tend to run longer, have a larger crew, and be more complicated to shoot. I don't love features!

The next studio I checked out was Vivid Video. I liked Vivid because the two performers in the industry who I actually followed and admired were Kobe Tai and Janine Lindemulder and they were Vivid Girls. Kobe was a Taiwanese actress who I looked up to because she, like me, was Asian, and I thought if she could make it big as an Asian p.o.r.n star, then maybe I could too. And Janine, well, Janine was so beautiful I could look at her for hours. I thought she was the most stunning p.o.r.n actress in the industry. She has a really amazing face, and seemed like a true rebel with all her tattoos.

So, I met with Steve Hirsch, the owner of Vivid, who, by the way, is super cute. I had such a crush on him. He sat me down in front of his big desk. Twirling a phone cord nervously around his finger, he asked me, "So, what do you want to do? Do you want to be a contract girl? How many movies do you want to do? What are you willing to do?"

"Well, I don't know. You tell me what you want me to do," I said.

He said he'd want me to do twelve films a year, at $10,000 a film, which was a whopping $120,000, but he wanted me to do a.n.a.l and DP (which means double penetration). I wasn't willing to do either one. I left Vivid's offices defeated. Vivid wasn't the place for me either. I was running out of studios.

"What am I going to do?" I wondered. I didn't fit in at Wicked. I didn't fit in at Vivid. I didn't want to talk to other companies. Wicked and Vivid were the big two. And Digital Playground was the underdog, so I wasn't sure I wanted to be there, either.

I drank myself through New Year's Eve alone and made a resolution for the year 2000: Take it to the next level!

*CHAPTER 9*

The Secret's Out After spending the better part of 1999 appearing spread-eagle for dozens of magazines and f.u.c.king on camera in dozens of p.o.r.n films, I felt I had to let my family know what I was up to. But I wasn't quite ready to tell them the whole truth. It's one thing to not not be ashamed of the dirty deeds I was doing; it's another thing to tell your father all about it. I didn't even want my dad to know I have s.e.x, let alone that I was making a living by f.u.c.king. The thought mortified me. I wanted to be a virgin in my dad's eyes, and I wanted him to be proud of me. I'd always sought out his approval, and I knew I wouldn't be getting it for this. So, I decided to tell a little white lie. be ashamed of the dirty deeds I was doing; it's another thing to tell your father all about it. I didn't even want my dad to know I have s.e.x, let alone that I was making a living by f.u.c.king. The thought mortified me. I wanted to be a virgin in my dad's eyes, and I wanted him to be proud of me. I'd always sought out his approval, and I knew I wouldn't be getting it for this. So, I decided to tell a little white lie.

It was around Christmas of 1999 and I was sitting on a cold park bench with my dad in Lakeport, California, where he was living at the time. (Dad moved around a lot.) I went home to visit him and my stepmom, Kara, for the holidays. He was clutching his dog's leash. Mick was a chocolate brown Irish terrier with wiry hair and this crazy Confucius beard. My dad was cool as usual. He was very relaxed. His legs were crossed and he was looking very proper. I was shaking partly because it was so cold outside and partly because of the bombsh.e.l.l I was about to unload.

"Dad, I've posed nude for magazines," I told him. "And I just want you to know it's my choice and I'm excited and it's going well."

His response shocked me: "Well, honey, you know there might be some people in that industry that might persuade you to do p.o.r.n."

p.o.r.n! He brought up the p.o.r.n! I thought, "Oh, this is going to be easier than I thought. Maybe I can tell him the whole truth."

Then he said, "I just want you to be careful. And don't let anyone do anything you don't want to do. Make all your decisions with a clear head."

"Oh my G.o.d. He knows! He knows everything," I immediately thought. My paranoid little mind was reeling. Dad's a hippie from the '60s. He knew I was a wild child and free spirited. I thought for sure he already knew. But he didn't say anything. I almost told him right then and there but something came over me and I chickened out. I didn't tell him I did p.o.r.n until 2002 when my Playboy Playboy issue came out. issue came out.

Meanwhile, my sister Debby found out on her own. Debby and her boyfriend walked into a video store one day and she saw a poster on the wall of me. My hair and makeup were really done up so it might have been hard to recognize me by face. But there was one telltale sign that proved it was me.

Debby told me she looked up at the poster and said to her boyfriend, "Oh my G.o.d. That's my f.u.c.king sister!"

"Your sister's name is Linda, not Tera," he said.

"No, that tattoo! She has a fuchsia rose tattoo on her right ankle. That is her! I would know that tattoo anywhere."

Debby called me that day and said, "I know exactly what you're up to and exactly what you're doing. You can't hide it from me."

I actually didn't want to hide it from her. My sister and I had been really close and I knew she was open-minded like me. I had planned on telling her first out of everyone in my family anyway. I just didn't get around to it. As I expected, Debby was totally cool with me being in p.o.r.n. She always thought I should do something else in entertainment or modeling anyway. She told me, "As your sister I support you and I don't judge you. And if you can be happy with yourself and look in the mirror every day proud of what you see, then I can too." She became one of my biggest fans and still is today. When people ask her about it, Debby says, "My sister empowered a lot of women to explore their bodies, their s.e.xuality, and gain confidence in the bedroom. I look at all of the positive contributions that she's made." I like that.

As for my mother finding out, well, I didn't find out how she came to know my secret until 2009 when we reconnected and talked about it for the first time. Mom told me, "Debby told me right away. She was a tattletale too like you were as a young girl. I was shocked but also happy that you were doing well. It was mixed. I always wanted my daughters to be very strong, on top of the world, and taking good care of themselves, and both of my daughters are. I'm proud."

*CHAPTER 10*

A Star Is p.o.r.n With my New Year's resolution of taking it to the next level still fresh in mind, I marched into Digital Playground's offices on January 2, 2000, to talk business. I thought I was just there to talk, but Samantha Lewis, the co-owner of the company and my soon-to-be manager, had already prepared a contract for me and in my excitement, I did the unthinkable. I signed the contract without reading it, without having an attorney read it, and without knowing what the h.e.l.l to say yes to and what to say no to. I blindly signed on the dotted line.

WHEN SIGNING A p.o.r.n CONTRACT . . .Don't sign it without an attorney reading it firstDon't be drunk when you sign itDon't forget to trademark your name before you enter into any business agreementsDon't let someone else own your websiteDon't agree to "air tight" (air tight means a d.i.c.k in your mouth, p.u.s.s.y, and a.s.s at the same time)Don't make less money than your managerDon't let your management and production company be one and the same Don't shoot more than one movie a monthDon't agree to arbitration if it comes to thatDon't sign anything that contains the phrases "in perpetuity" or "throughout the universe"

The negotiations weren't really negotiations at all. It went a little something like this: Samantha asked, "How much do you need to live?"

"About five thousand a month," I stupidly replied. It seemed to be my magic number. I got $5,000 for Penthouse Penthouse and $5,000 for and $5,000 for Virtual s.e.x Virtual s.e.x. "OK, that's what we'll pay you," Samantha was quick to agree. She was a bit too quick to agree and I found out later what a raw deal I signed.

"Great!" I was elated. I was now a contract girl. Sam, Ali, and I went out to Delmonico's Steak and Lobster House in Encino to celebrate. I dined on lobster and champagne and was on top of the world.

From that moment on, things started happening really fast, and I was becoming very close with Sam. She became like a big sister, or almost a mother figure for me. We'd talk every day, sometimes three, four, five times a day. We'd shop, go out to lunch, gossip, share beauty tips, hit the gym, and do all the things that close girlfriends do. She handled everything for me, such as my schedule, hiring the right makeup and hair people for my jobs, leasing me a car to drive, everything. Because she was older than me, I looked up to her and learned a lot about life from her. And I trusted her like you'd trust a close family member. And even Ali acted like a father figure to me.

"Guess what?" Samantha asked me. "You're going to AVN. You'll be signing at a booth. It'll be great." Signing at AVN really meant you made it. Adult Video News Adult Video News is the Bible of the p.o.r.n industry. Every year in January, they have an awards show and convention in, appropriately enough, Sin City--Las Vegas. And all of the big stars would go and plug their new movies, meet their fans, sign autographs, and party. is the Bible of the p.o.r.n industry. Every year in January, they have an awards show and convention in, appropriately enough, Sin City--Las Vegas. And all of the big stars would go and plug their new movies, meet their fans, sign autographs, and party.

I flew to Vegas about a week later and immediately hit the convention floor. I arrived at the booth in Vegas, and there was a stack of 8 x 10 glossy photos of me that said Virtual s.e.x with Tera Patrick Virtual s.e.x with Tera Patrick. Two Sharpies sat next to the stack. And next to the Sharpies were Nikki Tyler and Julia Ann, who used to partner with Janine in Blond-age Blond-age , a dancing act they performed at strip clubs. And then there was this really loud, outgoing, beautiful woman named Teri Weigel. , a dancing act they performed at strip clubs. And then there was this really loud, outgoing, beautiful woman named Teri Weigel.

"Hey!" Teri, dressed in nothing but a G-string and pasties, yelled to me. "You're the new girl! Awesome! Hi! I'm Teri! So nice to meet you!"

I was a little nervous going in, but my nerves immediately went away. The other girls didn't introduce themselves to me at first, so I latched onto the much friendlier Teri. She was a Playboy Playboy Playmate in 1987 and is the only Playmate to have gone into p.o.r.n. I looked at her with awe. Here was this beautiful, powerful woman with a microphone in her hand, commanding a crowd of people to come on by. She stood on a chair, loud, confident, and gorgeous as h.e.l.l. Playmate in 1987 and is the only Playmate to have gone into p.o.r.n. I looked at her with awe. Here was this beautiful, powerful woman with a microphone in her hand, commanding a crowd of people to come on by. She stood on a chair, loud, confident, and gorgeous as h.e.l.l.

I had no idea what the f.u.c.k I was doing, or if I'd even have any fans to sign those glossy photos for. But lo and behold, fans knew who I was and were coming to see me. It was the first time I met any of my fans, and I loved them immediately. I jumped right in and started signing "Tera Patrick" in my chicken scratch. I didn't know what or how to sign an autograph. I was thinking about how Marilyn Monroe signed her name.

I said to my new friend, "Hey, Teri, how do you sign an autograph?"

Teri Weigel "Awww, sweetie. Here . . ." and she took a blank piece of paper out and proceeded to write my name in all different ways with different lines like "Love, Tera Patrick," "Love & l.u.s.t, Tera Patrick," "f.u.c.king f.u.c.k Me, Tera Patrick." She wrote out all of these little signatures and I started signing them one after another. When there wasn't a line of fans, I'd practice my signature on paper. My name was still new to me, so I wasn't used to signing it yet.

Teri took me under her wing. She taught me how to do my makeup for the bright lights at a signing like this. She taught me how to handle my fans. She basically taught me how to "do AVN" and how to be a p.o.r.n celebrity.

"Girl, you are going to have this down and you are going to be a huge star," she told me after our long day of signing. I'll never forget her kindness, and I tried to be like Teri to the new girls that came into the business after I got more famous. There were times when I'd be b.i.t.c.hy to the new girls, but I'd catch myself and think, "Teri would be so disappointed in me if she knew I was being a b.i.t.c.h."

Things were happening fast with Digital Playground. They got me the Playboy TV gig on Night Calls 411 Live Night Calls 411 Live show next. It was a live, call-in television show where h.o.r.n.y guys and gals phoned in their s.e.x and relations.h.i.+p questions, talked about their fantasies, and interacted with the show's hosts, who would m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e on air or demonstrate s.e.x toys and other things like that. I went through a whole round of auditions and finally landed the role of the Net Nympho. Crystal Knight and Flower Edwards were the show's hosts, and they couldn't have a third host, so I became the Internet girl and I'd read e-mails from viewers, banter with them, and give a little striptease as I did my thing. I was the Net Nympho for the first year and then I became the cohost with Crystal Knight after Flower got pregnant and left in June 2001. show next. It was a live, call-in television show where h.o.r.n.y guys and gals phoned in their s.e.x and relations.h.i.+p questions, talked about their fantasies, and interacted with the show's hosts, who would m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e on air or demonstrate s.e.x toys and other things like that. I went through a whole round of auditions and finally landed the role of the Net Nympho. Crystal Knight and Flower Edwards were the show's hosts, and they couldn't have a third host, so I became the Internet girl and I'd read e-mails from viewers, banter with them, and give a little striptease as I did my thing. I was the Net Nympho for the first year and then I became the cohost with Crystal Knight after Flower got pregnant and left in June 2001.

I loved being on TV, but I loved it a little too much. Every day was a party for me, and I was drinking more heavily than I ever had. I didn't do a single episode of Night Calls Night Calls sober. Every night on the set, the production manager would come up to me and say, "All right, Stick"--they called me Stick because I was so thin at the time--"what's it going to be tonight?" And I'd name my drink of choice. I'd often get a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a two-liter bottle of c.o.ke and it would either be half gone or entirely gone before the night's end. sober. Every night on the set, the production manager would come up to me and say, "All right, Stick"--they called me Stick because I was so thin at the time--"what's it going to be tonight?" And I'd name my drink of choice. I'd often get a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a two-liter bottle of c.o.ke and it would either be half gone or entirely gone before the night's end.

I'm shocked I didn't get fired. I was smashed on every episode of that show. The director, Jeff, and my producer, Jamie, would have to give me direction in my earpiece to keep me alert. "Tera, your eyes are closed. Tera, open your eyes. Tera, sit up straight. Tera, put your shoulders back. Tera, Tera, Tera!" It was always something with me. But I was happy. I was becoming the biggest p.o.r.n star out there. I was on TV; my webcam show, The Tera Patrick Show, The Tera Patrick Show, in front of a live audience on in front of a live audience on TeraPatrick.com, was up and running and going strong; and I was just drinking out of celebration. Or so I thought at the time. I was a party girl and I wanted to party like a rock star.

Crystal Knight, my Night Calls Night Calls costar costar *

Looking back on it now, it was a pretty depressing existence, but I wasn't aware of it in the moment. As far as I was concerned, I had accomplished my New Year's resolution and took it to the next level. I was going to be Penthouse Penthouse's February 2000 Pet of the Month. I became a Hustler Hustler Honey. Digital Playground was keeping me busy with photo shoots and lots of press--they even hired me a full-time publicist! I knew I had made the right decision. Something really good was happening here. I was getting my $5,000 a month from Digital, plus I was getting about $3,000 an episode for Honey. Digital Playground was keeping me busy with photo shoots and lots of press--they even hired me a full-time publicist! I knew I had made the right decision. Something really good was happening here. I was getting my $5,000 a month from Digital, plus I was getting about $3,000 an episode for Night Calls Night Calls, and I was shooting for all the magazines. I was bringing in about $20,000 a month.

And on top of that, I had my first experience of truly feeling like a star. Sam and I flew to France for the 2000 Hot d'Or adult film awards, which, at the time, were part of the Cannes Film Festival. I was there to win Best American New Starlet. When we got off the plane, I couldn't believe how many fans gathered at the airport to greet me with signs that read WELCOME TERA! and h.e.l.lO TERA! and TERA'S NO. 1 FAN! and WE LOVE YOU TERA! As if that wasn't overwhelming enough, when I got in the car to head to an interview, there were two police cars with sirens escorting us to the TV studio. I couldn't believe it. Only a year in the business, and I had a police escort!

My publicist looked to me and said, "Oh my goodness. It's like you are Demi Moore!"

I was loving it, but I was also turning into a spoiled brat. When Samantha showed me my Penthouse Penthouse issue, she was bursting with excitement. issue, she was bursting with excitement.

"I have a surprise for you!" she said excitedly, pulling the magazine out from her bag with pride.

I looked at the magazine and my first thought was, "I'm not on the cover."

Samantha was like, "Ta-da!"

"I'm not on the cover," was all I could say.

"But you're Penthouse Penthouse Pet of the Month!" she said. Pet of the Month!" she said.

"I'm not on the cover." I was p.i.s.sed.

Samantha explained to me the reason I wasn't on the cover was because the Penthouse Penthouse Pet of the Year is always on the January cover and the runner up was always on the February cover. So, if you get Pet of the Month in January or February (I was the February Pet), you don't get the cover. But I got over it. I was so happy with the spread. It turned out really beautiful, so I called up Suze Randall and said, "Thank you for making me look so beautiful, Suze!" Suze said, "Oh, Popkins"--that's what she called me because it rhymed with my real last name, Hopkins--"you're the one that looks smas.h.i.+ng. I didn't have to do anything, my little piggy. My little s.l.u.t." Pet of the Year is always on the January cover and the runner up was always on the February cover. So, if you get Pet of the Month in January or February (I was the February Pet), you don't get the cover. But I got over it. I was so happy with the spread. It turned out really beautiful, so I called up Suze Randall and said, "Thank you for making me look so beautiful, Suze!" Suze said, "Oh, Popkins"--that's what she called me because it rhymed with my real last name, Hopkins--"you're the one that looks smas.h.i.+ng. I didn't have to do anything, my little piggy. My little s.l.u.t."

Sure enough, two years later in 2002, I landed Penthouse Penthouse Pet of the Year Runner-Up and finally got on the cover of the magazine. And around the same time, as fate would have it, I found myself with a new shot at Pet of the Year Runner-Up and finally got on the cover of the magazine. And around the same time, as fate would have it, I found myself with a new shot at Playboy Playboy, the magazine I really really wanted to be in. This is what I wanted my entire life and it was finally happening. wanted to be in. This is what I wanted my entire life and it was finally happening. Playboy Playboy was doing a big p.o.r.n-star special. I was officially a big p.o.r.n star by then, and they wanted me to be part of it. We shot it in November 2001 for the March 2002 issue dubbed "The Women of p.o.r.n," featuring me, Kira Kener, and Dasha on the cover. And not on the cover, but inside, were Jenna Jameson, Taylor Hayes, Julia Ann, Chasey Lain, Lacey, Janine Lindemulder, Brittany Andrews, Juli Ashton, and Asia Carrera. was doing a big p.o.r.n-star special. I was officially a big p.o.r.n star by then, and they wanted me to be part of it. We shot it in November 2001 for the March 2002 issue dubbed "The Women of p.o.r.n," featuring me, Kira Kener, and Dasha on the cover. And not on the cover, but inside, were Jenna Jameson, Taylor Hayes, Julia Ann, Chasey Lain, Lacey, Janine Lindemulder, Brittany Andrews, Juli Ashton, and Asia Carrera.

From my 2000 Penthouse Penthouse pictorial pictorial Jenna Jameson was clearly the biggest p.o.r.n star in the room, but Janine and I were hot on her tail. I think most people at the shoot a.s.sumed it would be Jenna, Janine, and me landing the cover together, but that's not exactly how it turned out. The photographer was shooting us in all different configurations, and as I was being shot with Kira and Dasha, I had b.u.t.terflies in my stomach hoping it would be the the shot. Then I heard the editor, Marilyn Grabowski, say to an a.s.sistant, "Oh, that's my shot." My manager, Samantha, kept telling me I would be on the cover, so I already had my hopes up for it. She was right. shot. Then I heard the editor, Marilyn Grabowski, say to an a.s.sistant, "Oh, that's my shot." My manager, Samantha, kept telling me I would be on the cover, so I already had my hopes up for it. She was right.

Compet.i.tion for the cover aside, the vibe on the set was very festive and exciting. Everyone got along great, and no one caused drama. The final shot of the day was the big group orgy shot where all twelve of us were stark-naked, lying on a big bed together with all of our arms and legs intertwined. They placed Jenna next to me and as we were figuring out how to pose together, Jenna said to me, "Wow, someone's got long legs. Life is so rough." I smirked, knowing I would be on the cover and she wouldn't and thought, "Yeah, now life really is is rough. Ha!" There was always a friendly fake compet.i.tion between Jenna and me. I always gathered that she was not happy knowing that I was on the rise. rough. Ha!" There was always a friendly fake compet.i.tion between Jenna and me. I always gathered that she was not happy knowing that I was on the rise.

The excitement of the day got the best of me, and I missed out *

A Polaroid outlake from the shoot for Playboy' Playboy's "Women of p.o.r.n" issue The orgy shot *

on my chance to tell Janine how much I loved her. I was such a huge fan of Janine's, but I was just too intimidated to talk to her. She had such a rock-star att.i.tude and I knew she had dated Vince Neil and was famous for f.u.c.king famous musicians. I wanted to get some tips from her, but I was too afraid. She was such a G.o.ddess to me.

Even though my Penthouse Penthouse cover was the February issue and my cover was the February issue and my Playboy Playboy cover was the March issue, the two magazines overlapped a bit on the newsstands when they came out and it was the first time any woman was on the cover of both cover was the March issue, the two magazines overlapped a bit on the newsstands when they came out and it was the first time any woman was on the cover of both Penthouse Penthouse and and Playboy Playboy at the same time. It was quite an accomplishment for me. When at the same time. It was quite an accomplishment for me. When Playboy Playboy came out, I ran down to my neighborhood newsstand on the corner of Ventura Boulevard and Van Nuys Boulevard in Sherman Oaks, and I lined up all the came out, I ran down to my neighborhood newsstand on the corner of Ventura Boulevard and Van Nuys Boulevard in Sherman Oaks, and I lined up all the Playboy Playboy magazines and all the magazines and all the Penthouse Penthouse magazines that I was on the cover of and just stared at them. Finally someone said, "That's you!" magazines that I was on the cover of and just stared at them. Finally someone said, "That's you!"

"Yes, it is!" I was so proud to say.

I was so proud, but my father was even prouder. Before the magazines. .h.i.t the newsstands, I decided it was time to tell my father what I was really up to. He was about to figure it out soon enough when he saw his daughter on the cover of Playboy Playboy with a headline that read SIZZLING p.o.r.n STAR PICTORIAL. with a headline that read SIZZLING p.o.r.n STAR PICTORIAL.

With Janine in 2001 I had started to talk to my father again. Due to busy work schedules and living in different cities or states over the years, we would sometimes not talk as much as we should. But he came to visit me at my new place on d.i.c.kens Street in Sherman Oaks, one of the nicer cities in the San Fernando Valley, which was another upgrade in my living situation.

Like ripping off a Band-Aid, I told dad very quickly. I said, "Dad, I've done some movies."

"Of course you have," he said very matter-of-fact.

There was a long pause. I was dumb and naive to think that no one watches p.o.r.n or knew what I was up to. I told him that I was very happy and that I was making a lot of money and that I was doing it on my own terms. Then he said, "Will you sign a couple of these Playboy Playboys for my friends?" I felt relieved. He was proud to see me on the cover of Playboy Playboy. It was the approval I had been looking for my whole life.

"It's an honor to be in Playboy Playboy, honey. I'm happy for you," he said. "Just be careful. Take care of yourself, and be happy."