A Select Collection of Old English Plays Part 91

CAPT. Yes, but we laugh'd at it.

LOVE. So you might; and as I live, if the necklace were come from stringing, I'd send them both to Master Wild, to wear as a favour, to a.s.sure him I am his, and to put the vain slave out of countenance.

CAPT. Ay, marry, such a timely favour were worth a dozen letters, to a.s.sure him of your love, and remove all the doubts the other's discourse may put into his head: and, faith, I'd send him the chain now, and in my letter promise him the necklace: he'll deserve such a favour.

LOVE. I'll go in and fetch it immediately: will you favour me to deliver it?

CAPT. I'll wait upon your ladys.h.i.+p.

LOVE. I'll swear you shall not go in: you know I foreswore being alone with you.

[_She goes, and he follows her; she turns, and bids him stay._

CAPT. Hang me, I'll go in. Does my message deserve to wait an answer at the door.

LOVE. Ay, but you'll be naught.

CAPT. O, ne'er trust me if I break.

LOVE. If you break, some such forfeit you'll lose. Well, come in for once.

CAPT. You are so suspicious.

LOVE. I'll swear I have reason for't: you are such another man.

[_Exeunt._

SCENE III.

_Enter_ WANTON _and_ BAWD.

WAN. Is he gone?

BAWD. Yes, he's gone to the old lady's, high with mischief.

WAN. Fare him well, easy fool: how the trout strove to be tickled! And how does this ring become me, ha! They are fine kind of things, these wedding-rings.

[_She plays with the wedding-ring upon her finger._

BAWD. Besides the good custom of putting so much gold in 'em,[215] they bring such conveniences along.

WAN. Why, ay; now I have but one to please, and if I please him, who dares offend me? and that wife's a fool that cannot make her husband one.

BAWD. Nay, I am absolutely of opinion it was fit for you to marry. But whether he be a good husband or no----

WAN. A pox of a good husband! give me a wise one; they only make the secure cuckolds, the cuckold in grain: for dye a husband that has wit but with an opinion thou art honest, and see who dares wash the colour out. Now your fool changes with every drop, doats with confidence in the morning, and at night jealous even to murder, and his love (Lord help us!) fades like my gredaline petticoat.[216]

BAWD. This is a new doctrine.

WAN. 'Tis a truth, wench, I have gained from my own observations, and the paradox will be maintained. Take wise men for cuckolds, and fools to make them: for your wise man draws eyes and suspicion with his visit, and begets jealous thoughts in the husband, that his wife may be overcome with his parts; when the fool is welcome to both, pleaseth both; laughs with the one, and lies with the other, and all without suspicion. I tell thee, a fool that has money is the man. The wits and the we's, which is a distinct parreal of wit bound by itself, and to be sold at Wit-hall, or at the sign of the King's-head in the butchery: these wise things will make twenty jealous, ere one man a cuckold, when the family of fools will head a parish, ere they are suspected.

BAWD. Well, I see one may live and learn: and if he be but as good at it now you are his own, as he was when he was your friend's friend (as they call it), you have got one of the best hiders of such a business in the town. Lord, how he would sister you at a play!

WAN. Faith, 'tis as he is used at first; if he gets the bridle in's teeth, he'll ride to the devil; but if thou be'st true, we'll make him amble ere we have done. The plot is here, and if it thrive I'll alter the proverb, _The parson gets the children_, to, _The parson fathers them_.

BAWD. Anything that may get rule: I love to wear the breeches.

WAN. So do we all, wench. Empire 'tis all our aim; and I'll put my ranting Roger in a cage but I'll tame him. He loves already, which is an excellent ring in a fool's nose, and thou shalt hear him sing--

_Happy only is that family that shows A c.o.c.k that's silent, and a hen that crows._

BAWD. Do this, I'll serve you for nothing: the impetuous slave had wont to taunt me for beating of my husband, and would sing that song in mockery of me.

WAN. In revenge of which, thou (if thou wilt be faithful) shalt make him sing,

_Happy is that family that shows A c.o.c.k that's silent, and a hen that crows._

[_Exeunt._

SCENE IV.

_Enter_ PARSON, LOVEALL, _and_ FAITHFUL.

LOVE. Go, you are a naughty man. Do you come hither to rail against an honest gentleman? I have heard how you fell out: you may be ashamed on't, a man of your coat.

PAR. What! to speak truth, and perform my duty? The world cries out you are a scabbed sheep, and I am come to tar you; that is, give you notice how your fame suffers i' th' opinion of the world.

LOVE. My fame, sirrah! 'Tis purer than thy doctrine. Get thee out of my house.

FAITH. You uncivil fellow, you come hither to tell my lady of her faults, as if her own Levite could not discern 'em?

LOVE. My own Levite! I hope he's better bred than to tell me of my faults.

FAITH. He finds work enough to correct his dearly-beloved sinners.

PAR. And the right wors.h.i.+pful my lady and yourself, they mend at leisure.

LOVE. You are a saucy fellow, sirrah, to call me sinner in my own house. Get you gone with your _Madam, I hear_, and _Madam, I could advise, but I am loth to speak: take heed; the world talks_;--and thus with dark sentences put my innocence into a fright, with _You know what you know, good Mistress Faithful_: so do I, and the world shall know, too, thou hast married a wh.o.r.e.

PAR. Madam, a wh.o.r.e?

FAITH. No, sir, 'tis not so well as a madam-wh.o.r.e; 'tis a poor wh.o.r.e, a captain's cast wh.o.r.e.

LOVE. Now bless me, marry a wh.o.r.e! I wonder any man can endure those things. What kind of creatures are they?

PAR. They're like ladies, but that they are handsomer; and though you take a privilege to injure me, yet I would advise your woman to tie up her tongue, and not abuse my wife.