A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ix Part 95

ILF. There's ne'er a wanton wench that hears thee, but thinks thee a c.o.xcomb for saying so: marry none of them; if thou wilt have their true characters, I'll give it thee. Women are the purgatory of men's purses, the paradise of their bodies, and the h.e.l.l of their minds; marry none of them. Women[340] are in churches saints, abroad angels, at home devils.

Here are married men enough know this: marry none of them.

SCAR. Men that traduce by custom, show sharp wit Only in speaking ill; and practice it Against the best creatures, divine women, Who are G.o.d's agents' here, and the heavenly eye, By which this...o...b..hath her maturity: Beauty in women gets the world with child, Without whom she were barren, faint and wild.

They are the stems on which do angels grow, From whence virtue is still'd, and arts do flow.

_Enter_ SIR JOHN HARCOP _and his daughter_ CLARE.

ILF. Let them be what flowers they will; and they were roses, I will pluck none of them for p.r.i.c.king my fingers. But soft, here comes a voider for us: and I see, do what I can, as long as the world lasts, there will be cuckolds in it. Do you hear, child, here's one come to blend you together: he has brought you a kneading-tub, if thou dost take her at his hands.

Though thou hadst Argus' eyes, be sure of this, Women have sworn with more than one to kiss.

HAR. Nay, no parting, gentlemen. Hem!

WEN. 'Sfoot, does he make punks of us, that he hems already?

HAR. Gallants, Know old John Harcop keeps a wine-cellar, Has travell'd, been at court, known fas.h.i.+ons, And unto all bear habit like yourselves-- The shapes of gentlemen and men of sort, I have a health to give them, ere they part.

WEN. Health, knight! not as drunkards give their healths, I hope: to go together by the ears when they have done?

HAR. My healths are Welcome: Welcome, gentlemen.

ILF. Are we welcome, knight, in faith?

HAR. Welcome, in faith, sir.

ILF. Prythee, tell me, hast not thou been a wh.o.r.emaster?

HAR. In youth I swill'd my fill at Venus' cup, Instead of full draughts now I am fain to sup.

ILF. Why then thou art a man fit for my company: Dost thou hear? (_to_ WEN. _and_ BAR.) he is a good fellow of our stamp.

Make much of this[341] father.

[_Exeunt_.

_Manent_ SCARBOROW _and_ CLARE.

SCAR. The father and the gallants have left me here with a gentlewoman, and if I know what to say to her, I am a villain. Heaven grant her life hath borrowed so much impudence of her s.e.x but to speak to me first: for, by this hand, I have not so much steel of immodesty in my face to parley to a wench without blus.h.i.+ng. I'll walk by her, in hope she can open her teeth. Not a word? Is it not strange a man should be in a woman's company all this while and not hear her tongue. I'll go further. G.o.d of his goodness! not a syllable. I think if I should take up her clothes too, she would say nothing to me. With what words, trow, does a man begin to woo. Gentlewoman, pray you, what is't a clock?

CLARE. Troth, sir, carrying no watch about me but mine eyes, I answer you: I cannot tell.

SCAR. And if you cannot tell, beauty, I take the adage for my reply: you are naught to keep sheep.

CLARE. Yet I am big enough to keep myself.

SCAR. Prythee tell me: are you not a woman?

CLARE. I know not that neither, till I am better acquainted with a man.

SCAR. And how would you be acquainted with a man?

CLARE. To distinguish betwixt himself and myself.

SCAR. Why, I am a man?

CLARE. That's more than I know, sir.

SCAR. To approve I am no less, thus I kiss thee.

CLARE. And by that proof I am a man too; for I have kissed you.

SCAR. Prythee, tell me, can you love?

CLARE. O Lord, sir, three or four things: I love my meat, choice of suitors, clothes in the fas.h.i.+on, and, like a right woman, I love to have my will.

SCAR. What think you of me for a husband?

CLARE. Let me first know what you think of me for a wife?

SCAR. Troth, I think you are a proper gentlewoman.

CLARE. Do you but think so?

SCAR. Nay, I see you are a very perfect proper gentlewoman.

CLARE. It is great pity then I should be alone without a proper man.

SCAR. Your father says I shall marry you.

CLARE. And I say, G.o.d forbid, sir! alas, I am a great deal too young.

SCAR. I love thee, by my troth.

CLARE. O, pray you do not so; for then you stray from the steps of gentility; the fas.h.i.+on among them is to marry first, and love after by leisure.

SCAR. That I do love thee, here by heaven I swear, And call it as a witness to this kiss.

CLARE. You will not enforce me, I hope, sir?

SCAR. Make me this woman's husband! thou art my Clare: Accept my heart, and prove as chaste as fair.

CLARE. O G.o.d! you are too hot in your gifts; should I accept them, we should have you plead nonage some half a year hence, sue for revers.e.m.e.nt, and say the deed was done under age.

SCAR. Prythee, do not jest.

CLARE. No (G.o.d is my record), I speak in earnest: and desire to know Whether ye mean to marry me, yea or no?

SCAR. This hand thus takes thee as my loving wife.

CLARE. For better, for worse.