A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Vi Part 86

A crafty villain, perceiving how we meant to Usury, slipt away.

_Enter_ SIMPLICITY _in haste, and give the Lords a paper to read_.

SIMPLICITY.

All hail, all rain, all frost, and all snow Be to you three Lords of London on a row!

Read my supplantation, and my suit ye shall know, Even for G.o.d's sake above, and three ladies' sakes below.

FRAUD.

Master Diligence, do me a favour: you know I am a gentleman.

DILIGENCE.

Step aside, till my lords be gone; I'll do for you what I can.

[_Slip aside_.

POMP.

What's here, my boy, what's here? Pleasure, this suit is, sure, to you; for it's mad stuff, and I know not what it means.

PLEASURE.

Neither do I. Sirrah, your writing is so intricate, that you must speak your mind; otherwise we shall not know your meaning.

POLICY.

You sue for three things here, and what be they? tell them.

SIMPLICITY.

Cannot you three tell, and the suit to you three? I am glad a simple fellow yet can go beyond you three great Lords of London. Why, my suit, look ye, is such a suit, as you are bound in honour to hear, for it is for the puppet-like[281] wealth. I would have no new orders nor new sciences set up in the city, whereof I am a poor freeman, and please ye, as ye may read in my bill there--Simplicity freeman. But, my lords, I would have three old trades, which are not for the commonwealth, put down.

PLEASURE.

And after all this circ.u.mstance, sir, what be they?

SIMPLICITY.

They be not three what-lack-ye's, as what do ye lack? fine lockram,[282]

fine canvas, or fine Holland cloth, or what lack ye? fine ballads, fine sonnets, or what lack ye? a purse, or a gla.s.s, or a pair of fine knives?

but they be three have-ye-any's, which methinks are neither sciences nor occupations; and if they be trades, they are very malapert trades--and more than reason.

POLICY.

As how, sir? name them.

SIMPLICITY.

Will you banish them as readily as I can name them? The first is, have ye any old iron, old mail, or old harness?

POMP.

And what fault find ye with this?

SIMPLICITY.

What fault? I promise ye, a great fault: what have you, or any man else, to do to ask me if I have any old iron? What, if I have, or what, if I have not; why should you be so saucy to ask?

PLEASURE.

Why, fool, 'tis for thy good to give thee money for that that might lie and rust by thee.

SIMPLICITY.

No, my lord, no; I may not call you fool: it is to mark the houses where such stuff is that, against rebels rise, there is harness and weapon ready for them in such and such houses; and what then? The rusty weapon doth wound past surgery, and kills the queen's good subjects; and the rest of the old trash will make them guns too: so it is good luck to find old iron, but 'tis naught to keep it, and the trade is crafty. And now, my Lord Policy, I speak to you, 'twere well to put it down.

POLICY.

Wisely said. Which is your second? Is that as perilous?

SIMPLICITY.

Yea, and worse. It is, have ye any ends of gold and silver? This is a perilous trade, covetous, and a 'ticement to murder; for, mark ye, if they that ask this should be evil-given, as G.o.ds forbod, they see who hath this gold and silver: may they not come in the night, break in at their houses, and cut their throats for it? I tell ye, gold and silver hath caused as much mischief to be done as that: down with it.

POMP.

They that have it need not show it.

SIMPLICITY.

Tus.h.!.+ they need ask no such question: many a man hath delight to show what he hath. The trade is a 'ticing trade; down with it!

POLICY.

Now, your third, sir?

SIMPLICITY.

That is the craftiest of all, wherein I am disbus'd, for that goes under the colour of Simplicity: have ye any wood to cleave?

PLEASURE.

A perilous thing: what hurt is there in this, sir?

SIMPLICITY.

O, do you not perceive the subtlety? Why, sir, the woodmongers hire these poor men to go up and down, with their beetles and wedges on their backs, crying, Have ye any wood to cleave? and laugh to see them travel so loaden with wood and iron. Now, sir, if the poor men go two or three days, and are not set a-work (as sometimes they do), the woodmongers pay them, and gain by it, for then know they there's no wood in the city: then raise they the price of billets so high, that the poor can buy none.

Now, sir, if these fellows were barr'd from asking whether there were any wood to cleave or not, the woodmongers need not know but that there were wood, and so billets and f.a.ggots would be sold all at one rate. Down with this trade: we shall sit a-cold else, my lords.

PLEASURE.

I promise you, a wise suit, and done with great discretion.

SIMPLICITY.

Yea, is it not? might ye not do well to make me of your council?

I believe I could spy more faults in a week than you could mend in a month.

POLICY.

Well, for these three faults, the time serves not now to redress.

SIMPLICITY.

No, marry; for you three must be married suddenly, and your feast must be dress'd.

POMP.

Against which feast repair you to Diligence, and he shall appoint you furniture and money, and a place in the show: till when, farewell.

SIMPLICITY.

Farewell, my lords: farewell, my three lords; and remember that I have set each of ye a fault to mend. Well, I'll go seek Master Diligence, that he may give me forty pence against the feast, sir reverence.

[_Exit_.

DILIGENCE _and_ FRAUD _step out_[283].