A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xiv Part 116

PLEA. And what will all these do?

WILD. Why, the two friends will swear they gave you, the parson will swear he married you, and the wench will swear she put us to bed.

WID. Have you men to swear we are married?

PLEA. And a parson to swear he did it?

BOTH. Yes.

WID. And a wench that will swear she put us to bed?

BOTH. Yes, by this good light, and witness of reputation.

PLEA. Dare they or you look us in the face, and swear this?

CARE. Yes, faith; and all but those four know no other but really it is so; and you may deny it, but I'll make master constable put you to bed, with this proof, at night.

WID. Pray, let's see these witnesses.

WILD. Call in the four only.

[_Exit_ CARELESS.

PLEA. Well, this shall be a warning to me. I say nothing, but if ever I lie from home again----

WILD. I'll lie with you.

PLEA. 'Tis well. I daresay we are the first women, if this take, that ever were stolen against their wills.

WILD. I'll go call the gentlemen.

[_Exit_ WILD.

WID. I that have refused a fellow that loved me these seven years, and would have put off his hat, and thanked me to come to bed, to be beaten with watchmen's staves into another's!--for, by this good light, for aught that I perceive, there's no keeping these out at night.

PLEA. And unless we consent to be their wives to-day, master justice will make us their wh.o.r.es at night. O, O, what would not I give to come off? not that I mislike them, but I hate they should get us thus.

_Enter_ WILD, JOLLY, CAPTAIN, CARELESS, PARSON, WANTON, _with rosemary in their hands, and points in their hats_.

CARE. Follow. Will not you two swear we were married last night?

JOLLY _and_ CAPT. Yes, by this light, will we.

WILD. Will you not swear you married us?

PAR. Yea, verily.

CARE. And come hither, pretty one: will not you swear you left us all abed last night, and pleased?

WAN. Yes, forsooth; I'll swear anything your wors.h.i.+p shall appoint me.

WID. But, gentleman, have you no shame, no conscience? Will you swear false for sport?

JOLLY. By this light, I'll swear, if it be but to vex you: remember you refused me. That [_Aside_] is contrary to covenants, though, with my brace of lovers: what will they do with their coachman's plot? But 'tis no matter, I have my ends; and, so they are cosened, I care not who does it.

CAPT. And faith, madam, I have sworn many times false to no purpose; and I should take it ill, if it were mine own case, to have a friend refuse me an oath upon such an occasion.

PLEA. And are you all of one mind?

PAR. Verily, we will all swear.

PLEA. Will you verily? What shall we do, aunt?

[PLEASANT _laughs_.

WID. Do you laugh? by this light, I am heartily angry.

PLEA. Why, as I live, let's marry them, aunt, and be revenged.

WID. Marry! Where's the parson?

CAPT. Here, here, master parson, come and do your office.

PLEA. That fellow! no, by my troth, let's be honestly joined, for luck's sake: we know not how soon we may part.

WILD. What shall we do for a parson? Captain, you must run and fetch one.

CAPT. Yes, yes: but, methinks, this might serve turn: by this hand, he's a Marshall and a Case,[275] by sire and dam; pray, try him: by this light, he comes of the best preaching-kind in Ess.e.x.

WID. Not I, as I live; that were a blessing in the devil's name.

PAR. A pox on your wedding! give me my wife, and let me be gone.

CAPT. Nay, nay, no choler, parson. The ladies do not like the colour of your beard![276]

PAR. No, no, fetch another, and let them escape with that trick, then they'll jeer your beards blue, i' faith.

CARE. By this hand, he's in the right; either this parson, or take one another's words: to bed now, and marry when we rise.

PLEA. As I live, you come not here till you are married; I have been n.o.body's wh.o.r.e yet, and I will not begin with my husband.

WILD. Will you kiss upon the bargain, and promise before these witnesses not to spoil our jest, but rise and go to church?

PLEA. And what will Master Constant and Master Sad say?

CAPT. Why, I'll run and invite them to the wedding, and you shall see them expire in their own garters.

JOLLY. No, no, ne'er fear't, their jest is only spoiled.