A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xiv Part 92

FAITH. He finds work enough to correct his dearly-beloved sinners.

PAR. And the right wors.h.i.+pful my lady and yourself, they mend at leisure.

LOVE. You are a saucy fellow, sirrah, to call me sinner in my own house. Get you gone with your _Madam, I hear_, and _Madam, I could advise, but I am loth to speak: take heed; the world talks_;--and thus with dark sentences put my innocence into a fright, with _You know what you know, good Mistress Faithful_: so do I, and the world shall know, too, thou hast married a wh.o.r.e.

PAR. Madam, a wh.o.r.e?

FAITH. No, sir, 'tis not so well as a madam-wh.o.r.e; 'tis a poor wh.o.r.e, a captain's cast wh.o.r.e.

LOVE. Now bless me, marry a wh.o.r.e! I wonder any man can endure those things. What kind of creatures are they?

PAR. They're like ladies, but that they are handsomer; and though you take a privilege to injure me, yet I would advise your woman to tie up her tongue, and not abuse my wife.

LOVE. Fie! art thou not ashamed to call a wh.o.r.e wife? Lord bless us, what will not these men do when G.o.d leaves them? but for a man of your coat to cast himself away upon a wh.o.r.e! Come, wench, let's go and leave him! I'll swear[217] 'tis strange the state doth not provide to have all wh.o.r.es hanged or drowned.

FAITH. Ay, and 'tis time they look into it; for they begin to spread so, that a man can scarce find an honest woman in a country. They say they're voted down now; 'twas moved by that charitable member that got an order to have it but five miles to Croydon, for ease of the market-women.

LOVE. Ay, ay, 'tis a blessed parliament.

[_Exeunt_ LOVEALL _and_ FAITHFUL.

PAR. That I have played the fool is visible. This comes of rashness. Something I must do to set this right, or else she'll hate, and he'll laugh at me. I must not lose him and my revenge too. Something that's mischief I am resolved to do.

[_Exit_ PARSON.

SCENE V.

_Enter_ WILD _and_ CARELESS.

WILD. Now is the parson's wife so contemptible?

CARE. No; but I'm so full of that resolution to dislike the s.e.x, that I will allow none honest, none handsome. I tell thee, we must beat down the price with ourselves; court none of them, but let their maidenheads and their faces lie upon their hands, till they're weary of the commodity: then they'll haunt us to find proper chapmen to deal for their ware.

WILD. I like this, but 'twill be long adoing, and it may be, ere they be forced to sell, our bank will be exhausted, and we shall not be able to purchase.

CARE. Ay, but we'll keep a credit, and at three six months thou and the captain shall be my factors.

WILD. You had best have a partner, else such an undertaking would break a better back than yours.

CARE. No partners in such commodities: your factor that takes up maidenheads, 'tis upon his own account still.

WILD. But what course will you take to purchase this trade with women?

CARE. I am resolved to put on their own silence and modesty, answer _forsooth_, swear nothing but _G.o.d's nigs_, and hold arguments of their own cold tenets, as if I believed there were no true love below the line, then sigh when 'tis proper, and with forced studies betray the enemy who, seeing my eye fixed on her, her vanity thinks I am lost in admiration, calls and shakes me, ere I wake out of my design, and being collected, answer out of purpose, _Love, divinest? yes, who is it that is mortal and does not? or which amongst all the senate of the G.o.ds can gaze upon those eyes, and carry thence the power he brought?_ This will start her.

WILD. Yes, and make her think thee mad.

CARE. Why, that's my design; for then I start too, and rub my eyes as if I waked: then sigh and strangle a yawn, till I have wrung it into tears, with which I rise as if o'ercome with grief; then kiss her hands, and let fall those witnesses of faith and love, bribed for my design. This takes; for who would suspect such a devil as craft and youth to live together?

WILD. But what kind of women do you think this will take?

CARE. All kind of women. Those that think themselves handsome, it being probable, conclude it real; and those that are handsome in their opinion, that small number will believe it, because it agrees with their wishes.

WILD. And when you are gone, it may be they sigh, and their love breaks out into paper, and what then?

CARE. What then? why then I'll laugh, and show thee their letters, and teach the world how easy 'tis to win any woman.

WILD. This is the way: and be sure to dislike all but her you design for: be scarce civil to any of the s.e.x besides.

CARE. That's my meaning; but to her that I mean my prey, all her slave: she shall be my deity, and her opinion my religion.

WILD. And while you sad it once to one, I'll talk freer than a privileged fool, and swear as unreasonably as losing gamesters, and abuse thee for thinking to reclaim a woman by thy love: call them all bowls thrown, that will run where they will run, and lovers like fools run after them, crying, _rub_ and _fly_ for me.

I believe none fair, nor handsome, nor honest, but the kind.

CARE. We must make the captain of our plot, lest he betray us.

This will gain us some revenge upon the lovers to whom I grudge the wenches, not that I believe they're worth half the cost they pay for them. And we may talk; but 'tis not our opinion can make them happier or more miserable.

_Enter_ JOLLY.

WILD. Jolly! Will, where hast thou been? We had such sport with the parson of our town: he's married this morning to Wanton.

JOLLY. Who? the captain's wench? he's in a good humour then. As you love mirth, let's find him: I have news to blow his rage with, and 'twill be mirth to us to see him divided betwixt the several causes of his anger, and lose himself in his rage, while he disputes which is the greater. Your opinion, gentlemen: is this or his wench the greater loss?

CARE. What hast thou there? pearl![218] they're false, I hope.

[_Here he pulls out the pearl._

JOLLY. Why do you hope so?

CARE. Because I am thy friend, and would be loth to have thee hanged for stealing.

JOLLY. I will not swear they are honestly come by: but I'll be sworn there's neither force nor theft in't.

WILD. Prythee, speak out of riddles: here's none but your friends.

JOLLY. Faith, take it. You have heard the captain brag of an old lady, which he thinks he keeps close in a box; but I know where hangs a key can let a friend in, or so. From her, my brace of worthies, whose wits are dulled with plenty this morning, with three good words and four good deeds I earned this toy.

CARE. The mirth yet we will all share. I am in pain till we find him, that we may vex his wit, that he presumes so much on.

WILD. Let's go, let's go. I will desire him to let me see his wench: I will not understand him if he says she's gone.

CARE. I'll beg of him, for old acquaintance' sake, to let me see his old lady.

JOLLY. Hark! I hear his voice.----

CAPT. [_Within._] Which way?

CARE. The game plays itself. Begin with him, Ned, while we talk as if we were busy: we'll take our cue.