The Etiquette of Engagement and Marriage Part 12

The mental relations between husband and wife must necessarily differ from those between lovers, and the more honest and sincere they have been during their courts.h.i.+p, the less painful will be the awakening after marriage. Where there is both love and trust, coupled with common sense, a little humour, and a broad view of life, the disillusion should only be a pa.s.sing cloud that makes the suns.h.i.+ne all the brighter for its temporary shade. Where there has been conscious, or even involuntary, deception, an unreal position or exaggerated idealisation on either side, the pain of disillusion will be poignant, and its effect permanent. Things can be sorrowfully and bravely patched up for mere outward use, but there will be a smart under the smile, and a blank in the life that should have been so full.

Whatever mental crisis may follow marriage, the two who suffer, for one seldom suffers alone, will do well to keep their own counsel. If the silence is too great a strain, it is wiser, though perhaps not so natural, to seek help from some trusted friend unconnected by kins.h.i.+p with either family. Relations cannot take an unprejudiced view of the case; they are bound to be bia.s.sed in favour of their own, and even if family jars are not openly discussed the leaven works, and its effect is soon perceptible.

{97}

CHAPTER XVII

_The Return Home--A Plunge into the Practical--Housekeeping--Wedding Calls--The Newly-married Couple at Home and in Society._

The Return Home.

It is the unanimous and unqualified opinion of those who know, that the first year of married life practically answers the question "Is Marriage a Failure?" The bride who can emerge triumphantly from this searching ordeal will hold her own for the rest of her career as a wife. The newly-married girl or woman has everything to try her mettle. The end of the honeymoon sees the beginning of her real work.

She has won her husband; she has charmed and satisfied him in the hours of love in idleness; she has now to keep him true to his allegiance through the dull prosaic days of ordinary, humdrum life.

For the husband the change is not nearly so great. He has his usual daily avocations to follow; his business or professional duties have undergone no alteration.

We will hope the wedded pair have a nice cosy home awaiting their return. If the honeymoon has been short, the bulk of the preparations will have been made before the wedding, and a mother or sister will have put the finis.h.i.+ng touches during the bride's absence, but no one should be awaiting them in their new home except the servants they have engaged. It may be that there is a visit to be paid to relations before settling into the new home, and this will be a little trying.

Those who love them and who watch them start on their wedding journey will eagerly scan their features for some sign to indicate how things have gone with them in this important interval. A happy heart need shun {98} no such scrutiny, but where the slightest wound is hidden under smiles the loving solicitude will give pain.

A Plunge into the Practical.

Whatever the nature of the new home may be, whether mansion or cottage, town flat or suburban villa, even if it be but the temporary resting-place of furnished rooms, the wife will do well to begin by studying her husband's comfort, and finding out any special likes and dislikes that may not as yet have come under her notice. He, for his part, must not expect too much, and should try not to make her painfully conscious of her shortcomings. He might also reflect with advantage, when things are not to his taste, that he has himself to thank for a good deal. He chose his wife for her youth, her beauty, her charm, or her money it may be, and he then asked for no other qualification. He took up all her thoughts and her spare time during their engagement, and all he asked was that she should look nice and let him make love to her. She was purely ornamental in those days, and he was content to have her so. Once marriage is over he expects her to develop exactly those domestic gifts that shall best minister to his comfort and well-being. This cannot be done in a day.

Housekeeping.

Apart from the strangeness of her position, her probable isolation from all familiar faces, her mingled sense of freedom and responsibility, the young wife has much to contend with. Housekeeping comes more easily to some women than to others, and the one who has a domestic gift scores a big point in starting married life. The girl who has had no previous training or practical experience will spend many a bitter moment face to face with her own utter incompetence. The servant question alone is enough for most people. The young maid knows her new mistress is but a novice; the experienced cook regards her either from a motherly point of view or in the light of lawful prey.

She has, however, to maintain her dignity in the face of all this. She knows her ignorance will be detected and possibly laughed at, behind her back, but she {99} must not compromise the position in which her husband has placed her by undue familiarity, or undignified relations with those over whom she is to preside. By this it is not meant that a mistress should be afraid of being civil and even friendly with her maids; but she must discern nicely between that which breeds contempt and that which adds affection to respect.

Money Matters.

Many girls have had no money to manage beyond the spending of a dress allowance, with an indulgent parent always ready to make up the deficit. It would be well for every mother to give the housekeeping accounts into the hands of her engaged daughter for at least a month before she marries. She will not master the subject, but she will acquire some idea of the just prices of household commodities, and the quant.i.ties that should be ordered. The bride who suggested the leg of beef "for a change" is happily fictional, but it is to be feared that many do not much exceed her in knowledge. Some men give their wives a regular weekly allowance for domestic expenses, and this seems a fair way to do things. Others believe in paying everything by cheque, and thus keep all the money in their own hands. Provided the husband is pleasant when the cheques are drawn out the wife is saved a great deal of trouble; but the man who swears over the monthly bill, and wants an account of every pound of meat consumed in that time, creates a perpetual burden for his luckless partner. The early mismanagement of household expenses is fraught with sorrow to the well-meaning wife and heart-searchings to the husband, who begins to ask anxiously: "Could I really afford to marry?" Whatever the precise nature of the arrangement may be, there should be a clear understanding as to how the expenses are to be divided. Supposing the wife has her own income, or an allowance from her husband, she ought to know exactly what that sum is expected to cover. She is also ent.i.tled to a definite knowledge as to the extent of his income. Many a tragedy might have been averted if the wife had been taken earlier into the husband's confidence.

{100}

Wedding Calls.

There is much diversity of opinion as to how the bride is to make her home-coming known to her friends. The fas.h.i.+on of sending wedding-cards is p.r.o.nounced out of date, and they are only now tolerated when enclosed with wedding-cake to old friends. It is no longer necessary for the bride to sit at home in expectant and solitary grandeur, waiting for the callers to make their appearance. She is free to go out and about as she pleases, unless, of course, she has fixed any date upon which to receive friends. She must be careful to return all the calls made upon her in due time, and should note the At Home days and addresses of her new acquaintances. The simplest way is to let the date of return filter out through friends, and if any one is really anxious to call she will find out when to do so. In the suburbs and in country towns the bride may quite well give an At Home to the friends who gave her presents, and to those who were at her wedding, without waiting for them to call upon her. The invitations would be sent out in the wife's name only, but her husband would put in an appearance if possible. The bride would receive her friends in one of her dainty new frocks, and though there would be no formal display of presents, those who had given her pretty things would be pleased to see them put to their appointed uses. It is not a bride's place to start an acquaintance with older married people, nor is she expected to entertain upon a large scale during the early part of her married life. In certain cases, notably those of professional men, the social success of the young wife may materially affect the financial position of her husband. I knew of a doctor's bride who gave great offence to his patients by omitting to return her wedding calls until after her first child was born.

The Newly-married Couple at Home.

Loneliness is one of the bride's trials. She is alone the greater part of the day. Her things are all new, and do not require much attention in the way of mending or altering. Her household is but small, and once she has had her morning interview with the cook there is not much for her to do. The novelty of her position makes her restless, and averse to {101} going on with the pursuits that have been interrupted by her marriage. The old familiar home life is exchanged for solitary sway, and she does not always know how to fill up the long hours. She gets nervous, over-wrought, and is sometimes driven out of her new home in search of excitement.

The woman who marries on a small income and has plenty of work to do is not so liable to this unfortunate development.

The husband should be prepared for the effect of this uprooting on his young wife. He must not grudge her the little diversions that will help to pa.s.s the time while he is away. A woman with tact will choose the right moment for unburdening her mind of domestic woes. It is generally considered a wise plan to give a man a good dinner before you tell him anything unpleasant. The less she tells him of her petty worries the better a wife will get on, and the more her husband will admire her. Real troubles and grave anxieties should always be shared, and both authority and responsibility should be divided in a household if things are to run smoothly. It will be well for the young wife if she can feel the matrimonial ground firmly beneath her feet before she is called upon to bear the additional anxieties and physical trials of approaching motherhood.

In Society.

The bride is the honoured guest at any party given on her account. She would naturally appear in white, and if it were a grand affair she might don a modified edition of the wedding gown. I know a youthful bride who, having been married in a travelling dress, ordered a white satin frock at her husband's expense in which to make her social _debut_. The average newly-married couple are not the most entertaining companions. Their own little world is too absorbing for them to take much interest in the trifles outside it, but it is beautiful to see their happiness. Sometimes they are tiresome. The bride is the chief offender. She quotes her Adolphus as the world-oracle, and dilates on her own recent domestic discoveries as if they were what civilised humanity had been waiting for through dark ages of perplexity. Her superior att.i.tude towards unmarried friends not unfrequently leads to friction.

We must have patience with her, for she is learning a great deal, and has not yet had time to sort it out into proper proportions.

{102}

CHAPTER XVIII

_Mixed Marriages--Differences of Colour--Nationality and Religion--Scotch Marriages--Marriage of Minors and Wards in Chancery._

Mixed Marriages.

Love overleaps all barriers, and it is of but little use to try and bind it. Marriage, however, is another thing, and can be prevented even where love exists. How far it is right or advisable to do so must be a matter of individual judgment decided by the facts of each separate case. To take an instance. There is a very strong feeling, especially among medical men, against the marriage of cousins. Now love deep and true may exist between two cousins; but, seeing the physical deterioration that comes from the intermarrying of members of one family, it may be a plain duty to unborn generations for these two to abstain from marriage with each other. Where there is any hereditary disease of mind or body it is little short of criminal to contract such a union. In the matter of _Mixed Marriages_--namely, those between men and women differing from each other in colour, nationality, or religion, it is generally thought that they are fraught with grave risks.

The Question of Colour.

This does not affect us here in England as much as it does in India and those parts of the empire where there is a coloured native population. To those who have lived among {103} it the question is one of burning importance. We cannot go into it here, but, seeing that these marriages do take place even in England, a word of warning may not be amiss. Women who are fascinated by coloured men would do well to note that there is not a white man, good, bad, or indifferent, who does not abhor the idea of a white woman's marrying a coloured man. This is not the outcome of jealousy, nor yet of ignorance, for the more the European has travelled the more rooted is his aversion to such unions.

He knows, as man with man, what the real mental att.i.tude of those dusky gentlemen is towards women. He knows what lies behind the courtly manner, the nameless grace, and sensuous charm of these impa.s.sioned lovers. No woman can know this till after marriage, and then the knowledge does not do her much good. Let any woman who contemplates a marriage with a coloured man, no matter how high his caste may be, take counsel with some man who has lived among the dark races and who cannot possibly be suspected of jealousy, and she will learn that which may save her from an infinity of suffering.

Different Nationalities.

Among Europeans intermarriage is fairly frequent, and may turn out well. No doubt it is a success in many cases, but where it is, I think it will be found that either the man has become cosmopolitan in his ideas or the woman has lived long enough abroad to fit in with continental modes of life. The English girl who has been educated in a French convent will not have the same difficulty in pleasing a French husband or adapting herself to his ways as the home-reared girl who meets "Monsieur Blanc" on her first visit to the Continent.

Without a fairly wide knowledge of the home life to which marriage with a foreigner will lead, an English, Scotch, or Irish girl is running a great risk by taking such a final step as matrimony, for in no other country in Europe have women quite the same position as in the British Isles. The more restricted the mental horizon of the one may be, the less likelihood is there of perfect sympathy between husband and wife.

{104}

The Necessary Formalities.

Where such a marriage has been decided upon, there are many preliminary regulations to be observed. As my legal friend remarks: "A strict observance of the marriage laws of foreign countries, where one of the parties to a marriage is English and it takes place in England, is most necessary, or a person may find herself or himself married in England but legally repudiated abroad. In France the consent of parents is required up to the age of twenty-five, and if refused, what are called three respectful summonses are to be made. If consent be still withheld, the party can marry legally." There was a case recently in the English papers of a marriage between two French people being annulled because the ceremony had been performed in England without the proper formalities having been observed in France.

"In Germany the fact of the betrothal and intention to marry must be advertised in newspapers circulating in the district or districts in which the parties reside, and if one of them resides in England then in an English newspaper. In Germany notice has also to be given to the town-clerk or some like official."