Worrying Won't Win Part 8

"Did I say it wasn't?" Abe said. "But at the same time some Russian revolutionists lives longer than others, because being a Russian revolutionist is more or less a matter of training. Take this here feller which is now conducting the Russian revolution under the name of Trotzky, and used to was conducting a New York trolley-car under the name of Braunstein, y'understand, and when the time comes--which it _will_ come--when his offices will be surrounded by a mob of a hundred thousand Russian working-men and soldiers, understand me, all that this here Trotzky _alias_ Braunstein will do is to shout '_Fares, please_,'

and he'll go through that crowd of working-men like a--well, like a New York trolley-car conductor going through a crowd of working-men."

"From what is happening in Mexico and Russia," Morris observed, "it seems that when a country gets a revolution on its hands it's like a feller with a boil on his neck. He's going to keep on having them until he gets 'em entirely out of his system."

"Well, Russia has had such an awful siege of them," Abe said, "that you would think she was immune by this time."

"It's the freedom breaking out on her," Morris said.

"It seems, however," said Abe, "that in Russia there are as many kinds of freedom as there are fellers that want a job running a revolution.

There was the Kerensky brand of freedom which was quite popular for a while; then Korniloff tried to market another brand of freedom and made a failure of it, and now Trotzky and Lenine are putting out the T. and L. Brand of Self-rising Freedom in red packages, and seem to be doing quite a good business, too."

"Sure I know," Morris agreed. "But you would think that freedom was freedom and that there could be no arguments about it, so why the devil do them poor Russian working-men go on fighting each other, Abe?"

"They want an immediate peace with Germany," Abe said, "and the way it looks now, they would still be fighting each other for an immediate peace with Germany ten years after the war is over, because if them Russian working-men was to get an immediate peace _immediately_, Mawruss, they would have to go to work again, and you know as well as I do, Mawruss, the very last thing that a Russian working-man thinks of, y'understand, is working."

"Well in a way, you couldn't blame the Russians for what is going on in Russland, Abe," Morris said. "For years already the Socialists has been telling them poor _Neb.i.+.c.hes_ what a rotten time the working-men had _before_ the social revolution, y'understand, and what a good time the working-man is going to have _after_ the social revolution, understand me, but what kind of a time the working-man would have _during_ the social revolution, THAT the Socialists left for them poor Russians to find out for themselves, and when those working-men who come through it alive begin to figure the profit and loss on the transaction, Abe, the whole past life of one of those Socialist leaders is going to flash before his eyes just before the drop falls, y'understand, and one of his pleasantest recollections--if you can call recollections pleasant on such an occasion--will be the happy days he spent knocking down fares on the Third and Amsterdam Avenue cars."

"Then I take it you 'ain't got a whole lot of sympathy for the Socialists, Mawruss," Abe said.

"Not since when I was a greenhorn I used to work at b.u.t.tonhole-making, and I heard a Socialist feller on East Houston Street hollering that under a socialistic system the laborer would get the whole fruits of his labor," Morris said. "Pretty near all that night I lay awake figuring to myself that if I could make twelve b.u.t.tonholes every ten minutes, which would be seventy-two b.u.t.tonholes an hour or seven hundred and twenty b.u.t.tonholes a day, Abe, how many b.u.t.tonholes would I have in a year under a socialistic system, and after I had them, what would I do with them? The consequence was, I overslept myself and came down late to the shop next morning, and it was more than two days before I found another job."

"Well, that ain't much of an argument against socialism," Abe remarked.

"Not to most people it wouldn't be, but it was an awful good argument to me, and I really think it saved me from becoming a Socialist," Morris said.

"You a Socialist!" Abe exclaimed. "How could a feller like you become a Socialist? I belong to the same lodge with you now for ten years, and in all that time you've never had nerve enough to get up and say even so much as '_I second the motion_.'"

"But there are two cla.s.ses of Socialists, Abe--talkers and the listeners, and while I admit the talkers are in the big majority, the work of the listeners is just so important. They are the fellers which try out the ideas of the talkers, the only difference being that while such talkers as Herr Liebknecht and Rosa Luxembourg gets a lot of publicity out of going to jail for handing out socialistic ideas, y'understand, the funerals which the listeners get for trying such ideas out are very, very private."

"At that, them talking Socialists which is taking s.h.i.+fts with each other in running the Russian government must be putting in a pretty busy time, Mawruss, because there's a whole lot of detail to such a job, and while past experience as a street-car conductor may give the necessary endurance, it don't help out much when it comes to systematizing the day's work of a Russian dictator. For instance, we would say that he goes into office at nine o'clock with the help of the One Hundred and First Kazan Regiment, six companies of Cossacks, and the Tenth Poltava Separate Company of Machine-Gunners. After making a socialistic address to the survivors he washes off the blood and puts on a clean collar, or, in the case of a Bolsheviki dictator, he only washes off the blood.

"The next thing on the program is to ring up a few flag and bunting concerns and ask for representatives to call about taking an order for a few national flags. They arrive half an hour later, and after making a socialistic address, y'understand, he picks out a design for immediate delivery, because even a few hours' delay will make a design for a Russian national flag as big a sticker as a nineteen-ten-model runabout.

"When he's got the flag off his mind he next interviews the Russian composers, Glazounow, Borodine, Arensky, and Scriabine, and after making a socialistic address he invites them they should submit a new national anthem, the only requirements being that it should contain a reference to the fact that under the old compet.i.tive system the working-man did not receive the whole fruits of his labor, and that delivery should be made not later than twelve-thirty P.M. He then goes over to the mint to decide upon models for a new gold coinage and to confiscate as much of the old one as they have on hand. After making a socialistic address to the director of the mint and his staff, y'understand, he agrees that the old, clean-shaven Kerensky designs shall be altered by adding whiskers, because you know as well as I do, Mawruss, when it comes to the portrait on a gold coin, n.o.body is going to take it so particular about the likeness not being so good as long as it ain't plugged.

"He then goes back to his office and prepares a socialistic address to be delivered to the duma, a socialistic address to be delivered to the army, and three or four more socialistic addresses with the names in blank for use in case of emergency," Abe continued, "and so one way or another he is kept busy right up to the time when word comes that his successor has just left Tsarskoe-Seloe with the Thirty-second Nijni-Novgorod Infantry and a regiment composed of contingents from the Ladies' Aid Society of the First Universalist Church of Minsk, Daughters of the Revolution of Nineteen five, the Y.W.H.A., and the Women's City Club of Odessa. Twenty minutes later he is on board a boat bound for Sweden, and after looking up the _Ganeves_ in his state-room he comes up on deck and spends the rest of the trip making socialistic addresses to the crew, the pa.s.sengers, and the cargo."

"Having to go and live in Sweden ain't such a pleasant fate, neither,"

Morris observed.

"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There's only one thing that a Russian revolutionary dictator really and truly worries about."

"What is that?" Morris said.

"Losing his voice," Abe said.

XI

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER DISCUSS THE SUGAR QUESTION

One lump, or two, please?

"Ain't it terrible the way you couldn't buy no sugar in New York, nowadays, Mawruss?" Abe Potash said, one morning in November.

"Let the people _not_ eat sugar," Morris Perlmutter declared. "These are war-times, Abe."

"Suppose they are war-times," Abe retorted, "must everybody act like they had diabetes? Sugar is just so much a food as b.u.t.ter and milk and _gefullte Rinderbrust_."

"I know it is," Morris agreed, "but most people eat it because it's sweet, and they like it."

"Then it's your idea that on account of the war people should eat only them foods which they don't like?" Abe inquired.

"That ain't _my_ idea, Abe," Morris protested; "I got it from reading letters to the editors written by Pro Bono Publicos and other fellers which is taking advantage of the only opportunity they will ever have to figure in the newspapers outside of the births, marriages, and deaths, y'understand. Them fellers all insist that until the war is over everything in the way of sweetening should be left out of American life, and some of 'em even go so far as to claim that we should ought to swear off pepper and salt also. Their idea is that until we lick the Germans the American people should leave off going to the theayter, riding in automobiles, playing golluf, baseball, and auction pinochle, and reading magazines and story-books, y'understand. In fact, they say that the American people should devote themselves to their business, but what business the fellers which is in the show business, the automobile business, and the magazine-publis.h.i.+ng business should devote themselves to don't seem to of occurred to these here Pro Bono Publicos at all."

"I guess them newspaper-letter writers which is trying to beat out their own funeral notices must of got their dope from this here Frank J.

Vanderlip," Abe commented, "which I read it somewheres that he comes out with a brogan that a dollar spent for unnecessary things is an unpatriotic dollar."

"Sure, I know," Morris said, "but he left it to the spender's judgment as to what was necessary and what was unnecessary, Abe, which even President Wilson himself finds it necessary once in a while to go to a theayter in order to forget the way them Pro Bono Publicos is nagging at him, morning, noon, and night."

"But the country must got to get very busy if we expect to win, Mawruss," Abe said, "and them Pro Bonos thinks it's up to them to make the people realize what a serious proposition we've got on our hands."

"That's all right, too," Morris agreed, "but it would be a whole lot more serious if the people become _Meshuggah_ from melancholia before we got half-way through with the war. Even when times is prosperous only a very few of the _Leute_ takes more amus.e.m.e.nt than is necessary for 'em, Abe, and that's why I say that this here Frank J. Vanderlip knew what he was talking about when he didn't say what things was unnecessary. For instance, Abe, if a Pro Bono Publico, on account of the war, cuts out taking a summer vacation for a couple of hundred dollars, and in consequence gets a breakdown from overwork and has to spend five hundred dollars for doctor bills, all you've got to do is to strike a balance and you can see for yourself that he has spent three hundred unnecessary unpatriotic dollars."

"Well, doctors has got to have money to buy Liberty Bonds with the same like anybody else, Mawruss," Abe commented.

"I know they have," Morris agreed, "and that's why I say the great mistake which these here Pro Bonos makes is that the war is going to be fought only with the money which is saved, whereas if them boys had any experience collecting for an orphan asylum or a hospital, Abe, they would know that it ain't the tight-wads which come across. Yes, Abe, you could take it from me, the very people which is cutting out theayters, automobile rides, and auction pinochle for the duration of the war would think twice before they invest the money they save that way in anything which don't bear interest at the rate of six per cent. per annum."

"You may be right, Mawruss," Abe said, "but arguments about how to finance the war is like double-faced twelve-inch phonograph records.

There's a good deal to be said on both sides, which it looks like a dead open-and-shut proposition to me that people couldn't buy no Liberty Bonds with the money they spend for theayter tickets."

"But the feller which runs the theayter could, and he must also got to pay the government a tax on the money which he gets that way," Morris retorted.

"But how about the money which the theayter-owner must got to pay in wages to actors, play-writers, ushers, and the _Rosher_ which sells tickets in the box-office?" Abe argued.

"Well, how are all them loafers going to buy Liberty Bonds if they wouldn't get their money that way?" Morris asked. "So you see how it is, Abe: the feller which saves all his money for the duration of the war ain't such a big _Tzaddik_ as you would think, because even if he invests the whole thing in Liberty Bonds, which he ain't likely to do, all he gets for his money is Liberty Bonds, and at the same time he is helping to ruin a lot of business men and throw their employees out of their jobs, and incidentally he is also doing the best he knows how to make the whole country sick and tired of the war. _Aber_ you take one of them fellers which goes once in a while to the theayter for the duration of the war, y'understand, and indirectly he is handing the government just so much money as the tight-wad, the only difference being that the government ain't paying him no interest on it, and he is also helping to keep the show business going and to pay the wages of the actors and all them other low-lives which makes a living out of the show business."

"Sure, I know," Abe said. "But how is the government going to get men for the ammunition-factories if they are busy making automobiles for joy-riding _oder_ fooling away their time as actors, Mawruss?"

"That is up to the government and not to the Pro Bono Publicos," Morris declared, "which if the theayters has got to be closed, Abe, I would a whole lot sooner have it done by the government as by a bunch of Pro Bono Publicos, which not only never goes to the theayter _anyway_, but also gets more pleasure from seeing their foolishness printed in the newspaper than you or I would from seeing the Follies of nineteen seventeen to nineteen fifty inclusive."

"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss," Abe said, "admitting that all which you say is true, y'understand, I seen a whole lot of fellers which is working as actors during the past few years, Mawruss, and with the exception of six, may be, it would _oser_ do the show business any harm _if_ them fellers was to become operators on pants, let alone ammunition. It's the same way with the automobile business also. If seventy-five per cent. of the people which runs automobiles was compelled to give them up to-morrow, Mawruss, the thing they would miss most of all would be the bills from the repair-shop robbers. So that's the way it goes, Mawruss. It don't make no difference what a Pro Bono Publico writes to the newspaper, y'understand, he couldn't do a hundredth part as much to make people cut out going to the theayter for the duration of the war as the feller in the show business does when he puts on a rotten show. Also Mr. Vanderlip has got a good line of talk about Americans acting economical, y'understand, but he's practically encouraging the people that they should throw away their money left and right on automobiles, compared to some of them automobile-manufacturers which depends upon their repair departments for their profits."

"I understand that right now, Abe, the automobile business is falling off something terrible," Morris continued, "and the show business also."