The Jest Book Part 88

MDLx.x.xI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.

DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the hero questions the _Witches_, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to c.o.ke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching, however, the words in the play, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_!

why, 't is _void_."

MDLx.x.xII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.

THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--

Whoe'er would learn a fact from you, Must take you by contraries; What you deny, _perhaps_ is true; But nothing that you _swear_ is.

MDLx.x.xIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.

AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please your wors.h.i.+p," says Paddy, "I was just trying to _get a good one_."

MDLx.x.xIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.

THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by _pairing_."

MDLx.x.xV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.

AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: _you_, sir, might have been born a wit!"

MDLx.x.xVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.

SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--

Behold the sergeant full of fire, Long shall his hearers rue it; His purple garments _came from Tyre_, His arguments _go to it_.

MDLx.x.xVII.--A SMALL JOKE.

MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "_Nae great length_, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh,"

said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur _that_ is," said Matthew.

MDLx.x.xVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.

"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to _pay_ anything that you owe."

MDLx.x.xIX.--POOR LAW.

"PRAY, my lord," asked a fas.h.i.+onable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he has _not got a s.h.i.+lling_ in the world, let him attack the law." Such was the advice of an old Chief Justice.

MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the "_cause_ of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the _effects_.

MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.

WHEN the British s.h.i.+ps under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an att.i.tude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion _as the prize-money_,--the greatest part _among the officers_."

MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.

WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with a lemon in it.--G. A'B.

MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.

A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No,"

was his reply, "I make a point of never attending _rehearsals_!"

MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.

VANE'S speeches to an hour-gla.s.s, Do some resemblance show; Because the longer time they run, The shallower they grow!

MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.

ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _a.s.s_!"

MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.

A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "_very_ large, _very_ handsome, and _very_ cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very poor; in fact, having only ----."--"Say _thirty s.h.i.+llings_ more,"

replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"

MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.

A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, "I wish your honor's _heart was as tender as your toes_."

MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.

A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.

MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.