The Jest Book Part 8

CXLIII.--AN HONEST HORSE.

A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with emphatic earnestness, that "he was an _honest_ horse." After the purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why, sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to _throw_ me, and he certainly never _deceived_ me."

CXLIV.--THE RETORT CUTTING.

BISHOPS SHERLOCK and HOADLY were both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The cla.s.sical subject in which they were first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing.

Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival, said, when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's _translation_ to-day."--"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is the only one in the college."

CXLV.--ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.

MR. HENRY ERSKINE, being one day in London, in company with the d.u.c.h.ess of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"--"O!" answered her grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place--I hate it."--"Madam," replied the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark morning,--I _won't rise_ to-day."

CXLVI.--A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.

A PUD IN is almi de si re, Mimis tres Ine ver require, Alo veri find it a gestis, His miseri ne ver at restis.

CXLVII.--BY THE SAME.

MOLLIS abuti, Has an acuti, No la.s.so finis, Molli divinis.

O mi de armis tres, Imi nadis tres, Cantu disco ver Meas alo ver?

CXLVIII.--A HAPPY SUGGESTION.

WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l.

15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The Nightingale's Wing."

CXLIX.--PLAYING ON A WORD.

LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration.

Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia.

Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said, "I think I saw a _lyre_ there." George Selwyn, who was of the party, whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is _one less_ since he left the country."

CL.--AN EYE TO PROFIT.

A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that this man will not take the _beam out of his own eye_ before he attempts the _mote_ in other people's?"--"Why, so I daresay he would," cried Sheridan, "if he was sure of _selling the timber_."

CLI.--"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."

A VERY small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if you were not my officer, I would _extinguish_ you."

CLII.--A.I.

A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They are in Martial."--"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on underwriting."--"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is not so much difference between an _under writer_ and a _minor_ poet."

CLIII.--QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.

A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth 3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to 2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l.

more to be worth 3,000."--"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well, brother Davy, I _think_ we may accept the bail."

CLIV.--BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.

SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be in a pa.s.sion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on the business."--"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you till you owe me _two_."

CLV.--EPIGRAM.

"IT is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."--_Court Journal_.

'Tis right that c.u.mberland should be In this resolve so steady, For all the world declare that he Is _too bare-faced_ already!

CLVI.--SENTENCE OF DEATH.

THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his pig's victuals.

"SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.

"RD. GOLD."

CLVII.--NATIVE WIT.

JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me what you do know, and what you don't know."--"Well," replied John, "I know millers' hogs are fat!"--"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't you know?"--"I don't know _whose corn_ fats 'em!"

CLVIII.--WORTH THE MONEY.

SIR ROBERT WALPOLE having misquoted a pa.s.sage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron.

The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first _public money_ he had touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped up in a piece of paper on which the circ.u.mstance was recorded.

CLIX.--SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.

THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major _Cart-wright_, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the _Common-Wheel_.