The Jest Book Part 65

A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive a lady's consent under similar circ.u.mstances, get it, if possible, _in writing_."

MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.

AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, "None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very glad, for now you will have only _one boot_ to clean instead of _two_."

MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.

A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you _go to bed_, since all your ancestors died in it?"

MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.

A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing all that _pleases_ him, and by enduring patiently all that _displeases_ me."

MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.

A n.o.bLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here t.i.tled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke responded, "No; but I am NOW."

MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.

A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you _shook them_?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the word.

MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.

AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, "that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn _any longer_."

MCLIX.--A REBUKE.

A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, a.s.serted that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't _look back_."

MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.

"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a _philanthropist_, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and _builds houses_ out of the proceeds."

MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.

A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, _twelve_ yards. Astonished at the quant.i.ty, he went to another, who said _seven_ would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he has but _three_ children to clothe, I have _six_."

MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.

A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, _Latin_. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied the other, "a _poor one_ indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of _Latin_."

MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.

A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours _successfully_."--"So then you _did_ kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."

MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.

DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a _fool_, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so,"

added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you."

MCLXV.--PLEASANT.

A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his operations satisfactory.

MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.

MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you, madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are."

MCLXVII.--ORATORY.

AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have _heard_ quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't much _admire your subject_."

MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.

THE late d.u.c.h.ess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation.

"But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is _a soldier's wife_, and these people are generally _loose characters_!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just entered the room, "_a soldier's wife_! Pray, madam, _what is your mistress_? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."

MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespa.s.sed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE, BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.

MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.

A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was _so like you_."

MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.

GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his old a.s.sociate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pa.s.s unnoticed, but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the _cuttee_. "I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most happy to become acquainted _with you again_."