The Jest Book Part 59

"DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.

"Yes, your honor," was the reply.

"On what _ground_ did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned counsel.

"_In the back-yard_," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.

AXLE.--EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.

POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail, Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale; For twenty years he did the duties well, Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.

But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.

The church clock struck _one_--alas! 'twas Peter's knell, Who sighed, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"

MXLVI.--QUIN AND THE PARSON.

A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner, entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin, being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,--"So, so, doctor, I think you do keep your _glebe_ in your own hands with a witness!"

MXLVII.--NATURAL ANTIPATHY.

FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked, "Why he hated that nation so much."--"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have everything keep to its _native element_."

MXLVIII.--NOT NECESSARY.

"YOU flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake, ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that _monkey any flatter_ than he is!"

MXLIX.--a.s.sURANCE AND INSURANCE.

STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The husband," said he, with amazing a.s.surance, "who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."--"If you think so," replied Garrick, "I hope _your_ house is insured."

ML.--CROMWELL.

ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:--

"The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring, Is the name of the man that murdered the king."

MLI.--BILL PAID IN FULL.

AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker, in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a _scroll_ painted in his hand, bearing the t.i.tle of that bill. Soon after George the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the _Tower_, and this circ.u.mstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "THIS BILL PAID IN FULL."

MLII.--WOMEN.

AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in all ages our friends."

A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to _point_ out the hours, and a woman to make us _forget_ them."

MLIII.--THE DEVIL'S OWN.

AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through.

This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, "that the lawyers always went through _thick_ and _thin_."

MLIV.--WHIST-PLAYING.

CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if _dirt_ were trumps, what _hands_ you would hold!"

MLV.--A CRUEL CASE.

POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and eat he did, till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years'

standing, and to be _served in this manner_!"

MLVI.--ON Sh.e.l.lEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."

Sh.e.l.lEY styles his new poem, "_Prometheus Unbound_,"

And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round; For surely an age would be spent in the finding A reader so weak as to _pay for the binding_.

MLVII.--WRITING TREASON.

HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged, replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was _trying_."

MLVIII.--A GRACEFUL ILl.u.s.tRATION.

THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous emotions.--S.S.

MLIX.--IMPROMPTU.

_On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac Sycophant._

SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw, Because the character was drawn too true; It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"

That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.

MLX.--IN THE BACKGROUND.

AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent him _standing behind a tree_.