The Jest Book Part 45

SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law an "_ars bablativa_."

DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.

(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)

THE Whigs, because they rat and change To Toryism, all must spurn; Yet in the fact there's nothing strange, That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.

DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.

THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round _so_ often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without a.s.sistance?" answered, "No--not quite that--I had the _a.s.sistance_ of a bottle of Madeira."

DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.

THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the _spoils_ into the _sound-holes_ of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a quant.i.ty of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--_fit fragor_, and bang went the fiddle to pieces.

DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.

WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--

"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads together, and there is the wood pavement."

This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.

DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.

AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. "That,"

replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a _gentleman_, and you are a _blackguard_!"

DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.

WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?"--"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has _done its duty_ once, and is ready to do it again."

DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.

EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, "Did he not give you the coals, friend?"--"He did, sir, but--"--"But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment _slack_?"

DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.

STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some people do lords, learn their _t.i.tles_ and then _brag_ of their acquaintance."

DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.

WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Caesar had his Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."--"Treason!" cried the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier att.i.tude, and fixing on the speaker an eye flas.h.i.+ng with fire, continued, "_may profit by their example_. If this be treason, make the most of it."

DCCCIV.--ROGERS--POET AND SKIPPER.

ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does--_skip_.

DCCCV.--OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.

"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event."

DCCCVI.--EPIGRAM.

WHEN by a jury one is tried, Twelve of _his equals_ are implied; Then W---- might attempt in vain, This sacred privilege to obtain.

Since human nature ne'er on earth Gave to _twelve equal_ scoundrels birth.

DCCCVII.--REFORMATION.

JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he, "what are you ruminating on?"--"A greater work than your lords.h.i.+p's History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said the Bishop. "The _reformation of myself_, my lord," answered the son.

DCCCVIII.--THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.

LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is admirable.

Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father had been a footman: _Here lies the last who died before the first of his family!_ Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur, I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"

The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the clan must have come!

DCCCIX.--EQUAL TO NOTHING.

ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're _equal to it_!"

DCCCX.--FAMILIARITY.

A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said, "Sam, this may be very well between _you and me_, but it will not do with the Norfolks and Arundels."

DCCCXI.--EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.

AT Durham a.s.size a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. "His lords.h.i.+p wants to know what you will take?" asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear.

"I thank his lords.h.i.+p kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little _warm ale_!"