The Jest Book Part 42

NO wonder the debate fell dead 'Neath such a constant fire of lead.

DCCXLII.--PAINTING.

A n.o.bLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you want nothing but _poverty_ to become a very excellent painter."

DCCXLIII.--OLD AGE.

A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then intervals of gayety: some person observed, "_he resembles an old castle which is sometimes visited by spirits_."

DCCXLIV.--AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.

"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."--"His _memory_ is evidently not so good as yours," replied B.

DCCXLV.--A READY RECKONER.

A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pus.h.i.+ng the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when demand of payment was made for the whiskey.

"Sure, and haven't I _given_ ye the loaf for the whiskey?"

"Well, but you did not _pay_ for the loaf, you know."

"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I _didn't take_ the loaf, man alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a brown study.

DCCXLVI.--A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word he p.r.o.nounced, according to its orthography, _Brough-am_.

"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the carriage a _Bro'am_, it will save the time of the court," said Lord Campbell, with a smile.

Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lords.h.i.+p's p.r.o.nunciation of the word during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the Bro'am, and in doing so p.r.o.nounced the word also, according to its orthography. "I beg your Lords.h.i.+p's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very respectfully; "but if your Lords.h.i.+p will use the common designation for such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss--" The loud laughter which ensued, and in which his Lords.h.i.+p joined, prevented the conclusion of the sentence.

DCCXLVII.--TRUE POLITENESS.

SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro who was pa.s.sing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to salute a slave?"--"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."

DCCXLVIII.--A RAKE'S ECONOMY.

WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet.

DCCXLIX.--EASILY SATISFIED.

A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in _earnest_.

"Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such _jests_."

DCCL.--PERT.

MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin.

"No, sir," said Foote, "pray, _do you_?"

DCCLI.--A ROYAL m.u.f.f.

THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.--'Nice pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.--'Pretty fair,' was my reply.--'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a _m.u.f.f_!'"

DCCLII.--A BROAD HINT.

AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question, "Would an action lie?"--"Yes, if the witnesses would _lie_ too, but not otherwise."

DCCLIII.--A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.

A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste, eh?"

"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"

DCCLIV.--"THE LAST WAR."

MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it "the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,--the last war but one."--"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising his sonorous voice,--"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish _to remember_." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.

DCCLV.--THE PHILANTHROPIST.

JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to get rid of the reputation."

DCCLVI.--TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.

ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said a native, "but if the quality of it be rather _infairior_, we give _good measure_ of it, anyhow."

DCCLVII--BAD COMPANY.

AT the time that the bubble schemes were _flouris.h.i.+ng_, in 1825, Mr.

Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he, "you will have nothing but _bubble and squeak_ in a short time."

DCCLVIII.--EPIGRAM.